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It's raining today
And I feel I'm about to forget......
What? Oh, never mind. I've forgotten.
The skies are grey and heavy, possibly due to my impending unemployment.
It may also be due to an Low Pressure area moving in from the Atlantic
causing unsettled weather. This causes Rainclouds to form and dump their
load on South Wales. Therefore, I get wet.
It's Whimsy time. I trust you are fit and well. You may think that I
have forgotten about the Sci-fi Whimsy, but fear not. It shall be here
soon. Please send in contributions to the usual address:
www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~codmate/whimsy/index.htm <http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~codmate/whimsy/index.htm>
Special guests today are Michelle & Nick. Michelle has been an
occasional recipient of Whimsy in the past. Nick was once one of our
regular readers. I am delighted to say that they are both back on track
and now shall be, if they wish, regular subscribers.
Michelle, I should point out, was once a Wing Commander in the Welsh Air
Force. She successfully led over 30 sorties into enemy territory but was
shot down and imprisoned by gnomes. She escaped from their evil clutches
and now runs an accountancy sactuary in Cardiff. Bless 'er.
Nick is a housewife. He likes collecting shells, cooking, wearing
clothes and eating Dirt.
Welcome back to Nick and Hello to Michelle. And as always, welcome to
you all. Please feel free to drop me a line.
BAAAAAAARRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMFGHSHHHH Welcome
Things Not To Say of the Day - Many things should not be said. "I'm a
paedophile" when going for a job interview in an Infant's school is one.
"I've got Ebola" when getting onto a plane is another.
But the worst thing to say that I can think of is when you go to the
video shop with your beloved and say "What do you fancy watching
tonight?" The response must NEVER, EVER be:
"I don't mind".
It's bad enough having the awfulness of choice when on your own, but to
be generous enough to allow somebody to make a bold decision, and then
they blow you out by being non-committal is a fucking crime. How many
times has this happened to you? Don't you just hate it? I always think
when somebody gives me the "I don't mind" response, it usually means you
will not find anything worth watching. It's a real pisser. Of course, if
you're in a decent video shop (like World Video in Totnes) you will
always, without fail, get something worth watching. but if you visit a
Stigger Video Shop like Blockbuster, you will always end up with shite.
Also there is an addendum. I remember more than one occasion where I've
gone to a video shop, asked my companion what they fancy watching and
they say "I don't mind". You then cannot choose what to watch and you
end up bringing home a copy of the latest flick which is probably
fucking rubbish. On the way home your partner turns to you and says
"Well actually, I fancied watching ........" Well fuck me, why didn't
you say so?!!! I bloody saw it back there and I wouldn't have minded if
you gave me some proper guidance as to what you wanted to watch!!!!!!
AAAAARGH!!!!
Apology of the Day - A few Whimsies back, I railed against the
phenomenon surrounding the Harry Potter books. Well I have to say that
I've recently read the first three books and I am currently wading
through the fourth. They rule in a kind of
childish-but-brilliant-Roald-Dahl-kind-of-way. I heartily recommend
them. I'm sorry if I misled you as to their excellence.
Lardy Sweet of the Day - Fudge. Now my dear friend Claire (Whose
birthday it is today. So Happy Whimsy Birthday to Claire!) used to work
in a fudge shop in Totnes. Claire's job was not only to sell fudge but
also to make it in front of the window so people could watch her at
work. In a way it was like watching a stripper. But Clairey never took
her clothes off. And all she did was boil up some sugar and then cut it
up into little bits. As some of you remember, Claire hated it so much
she actually did her utmost to get fired. Eventually she did but not
before she developed a lifelong hatred of Fudge. I apologise to Claire
that this may bring up painful memories but anyway.....
Fudge is just boiled sugar. Nothing more. It is so sweet it will suck
your cheeks together and it will give you instant cavities. Fudge is
strangely popular in Devon which puzzles me. For most of us in the rest
of the country, our memories of Fudge is created by the famous chocolate
bar. It was a long cylinder of chocolate encasing a strip of quite
ordinary fudge. I rememberonce cramming about eight bars into my mouth
at once. The result was a strange brown substance began oozing out of my
nose. Remember the advert? Remember the song? Here it is - Sing Along!:
(I have added my own analytical comments)
A finger of Fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat
(Now this seems pervy. I will not elaborate other than it isn't quite as
pervy as the Werther's Originals adverts)
A finger of Fudge is just enough until it's time to eat (Unless I stuff
8 bars in my mouth at once)
It's full of Cadbury's goodness and...something, something, something
(I can't remember the words. Sorry. But I doubt that it has got any
goodness other than it tastes lush. It will rot your teeth so that's not
good. But it makes you happy, which is good. Hmmm. I'm confused....)
A finger of Fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat
(recapitulation. See above)
So you see, unless you have Fudge Trauma, Fudge rules (but not as much
as Toffee).
Incidentally, if you would like me to mention any songs from adverts I
shall happily do so. Requests to the usual address.
Swear Word of the Day - Shit. Fabulous word that unfortunately the
Americans have appropriated for themselves. Say it - it's a fabulous
word and really useful at times. Incidentally, according to Black Boxes recovered from the crash sites of air disasters, the last words uttered by most airline pilots before they slam into the ground in an apocolyptic fireball is: "Oh shit!"
Household Appliance of the Day - A device used to make your clothes have
more creases. Especially good at causing huge head wounds during
domestic disputes.
Lyric of the Day - 'Turn Around' by They Might Be Giants off 'Apollo 18'
"I was working one night in my office
When a man I had recently killed
Called me up from a phone near my building
So I looked out the window at him
He had the same obsequious manner
Which was the reason I had him called
And so to calm my nerves, I sang this song to him over the phone
CHORUS:
Turn around, turn around
There's some things there that can't be found
Turn around, turn around
There's a human skull on the ground
Human skull, on the ground
Turn around
I was out by myself in the graveyard
I was doing an interpretive dance
When I felt something heavy and pointed
Strike me in the back of my neck
And the ghost of my dance instructor
Pushed me down into an open grave
And as dirt rained down, she played a xylophone
And sang me this song
CHORUS
We were waving our arms out the window
Of a fast-moving passenger train
Acting in an irresponsible fashion
And then the Engineer whose back had been turned
And who we thought would find us highly amusing
Quickly swivelled his head around
And his face which was a paper-white mask of evil
Sang us this song"
CHORUS & Fade out
Fast Food Chain of the Day - Burger King AKA Bugger King. Bugger King
makes bloody great burgers that are made out of ratmeat, bulldicks and
Catgut. We buy it and stuff our faces with it, but why? It tastes cruddy
and it costs us a small fortune. Still, I'd rather go to Bugger King
than MacDonalds. MacDonalds' food is made out of the tragic flesh of
starving children in Nepal.
Bodily Function of the Day - Burping. I love it. Better out than in and
all that. It's so bloody funny to burp and is guaranteed to break the
ice at Royal Garden Parties. Remember, the Japanese consider it a great
compliment to the chef to have his restaurant filled with happily
burping customers. You can also say things when you burp. I urge you at
the next family get-together to burp and say "Cock-whacker" at the same
time. Make sure it's loud and reverberating. If you do it at a wedding,
make sure you're within easy reach of the bride's mother so you can waft
it in her face.
Top TV Totty of the Day - Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I really
need a girlfriend, don't I?
Festival of the Day - Brecon Jazz Festival. Hurrah! Last weekend was the
Brecon Jazz Festival. I always make sure I go up there 'cos it is
usually well worth a gander. What's that Sooty? Do I like Jazz? Sure I
do, but I go up there to carry out social observance. Many things are
worth observing at Brecon and I shall list them below:
* Men with beards. There is a particular breed of bespectacled
male Jazz fan who has a huge hairy growth on their faces. These men
spend years cultivating this beard which inevitably as bushy, unkempt
and greying. Henceforth, these men are known collectively as "Bill
Oddies". The Bill Oddies are a fucking disgrace. Always wearing khaki shorts and beige shirts whatever the weather, always dragging a long-suffering family around
with them and are always sullen and complaining at gigs when they don't
get their way. When Wynton Marsalis played a few years back and was
twenty minutes late on stage, one of the Bill Oddies shouted "Miles
Davis was never late!" Ooooooh! The Bill Oddies are always braying about
how great it all is without once cracking a smile. Fucking wankers.
* The Police. The Police are there to stop any trouble. In
rememberence of the Leonard Cohen song of the same name, we call them
the "Jazz Police" and are there to stop smoking, drinking, having fun,
brawling and arguments between the Bill Oddies as to whether Coleman
Hawkins was a better sax player than Ben Webster
* Valleys Boys who have never heard jazz before in their lives but
have come to the festival to get pissed in public.Why the Brecon Jazz
festival attracts these people is a mystery because they think Jazz is
for poofs and not for real people. But these arseholes show up in their
thousands and take their T-shirts off so we can see their tanned,
tattooed chests while they hold a can of lager shouting "WAAAAYUUUULSSS"
at the top of their voices. This contrasts with the music which is
spiralling into the Welsh sky. Incidentally, the Welsh beered-up twat
can somehow turn the word "Wales" which, you will notice, has only one
syllable into a word that has two syllables and a diphthong. What gives?
* The Press Statement. this is usuallly trotted out to every local
and national paper in the British Isles and always begins thus:
"Nestled beneath the towering peaks of the Brecon Beacons lies
the sleepy town of Brecon which, for one weekend every August,
comes alive to the sound of Jazz".
P'shah! I could do better than that! What it should say is:
"Jazz is a criminally neglected art form and you should all be
fucking grateful that a couple of people without any support from the
Arts Council manages to have some of the biggest names in contemporary
Jazz coming to visit. Thank God we exist otherwise people wouldn't be
able to see acts like Michel Petrucciani, Django Bates, Bheki Mseleku
as well as mainstream stuff like Dr. John, Branford Marsalis and Randy
Brecker. It is irrespective whether we are in Brecon or not. Come and
see us 'cos it rules. However, watch out for the Valleys Boys and the
Bill Oddies, they are a bloody nuisance"
* The Bars. The bars at Brecon are always serving horrible beer at
ridiculous prices. In order to stop broken glasses causing merry hell
when the Valleys Boys go on the rampage, every bar in Brecon must sell
plastic pint pots in order to serve beer. This means that your first
pint costs an extra quid. Naturally the Bill Oddies are well on the game
and have their own pewter tankards tied to a piece of string around their necks (would you credit it?!). There are no manners at the bars. This year I went to see
Dr. John, which was very good, and I tried to get a beer. Bear in mind I
had come straight from work and I was knackered after an hour's drive up
through rain and no food and I was waiting for a beer to bring me
salvation and A BUNCH OF BILL ODDIES BARGED IN FRONT OF ME!!! Wankers! I
said the usual "Excuse me, there is a queue, you know..." when one of
them with half moon spectacles turned to me and snapped "We've been
waiting ages" and then continued to have a debate about whether Charlie
Parker was nowhere near as essential to Be-bop as Dizzy Gillespie!
* Young Jazz Fans. Almost as bad as the Bill Oddies. Young Jazz
fans are over-indulged rich boys who buy all the jazz albums and become
incredibly defensive about their tastes. They are usually called
something like Malcolm and they usually go to all the gigs and sit at
the front and nod furiously along with the music. Their parents are not
generally jazz fans - thank God, imagine what it would be like if the
Bill Oddies actually bred children who shared their passion - and so
their parents subsidise little Malcolm's foibles while he swans about
trying to get Ian Ballamy's autograph. Malcolms are male, spotty,
annoying and patronizing "Oh yeah rock music is all right but it's not
Real music, is it?" Fuck off and buy Pet Sounds you sad twat.
Other than that, Brecon rocks and I had a thoroughly good time this
year. Best thing I've ever seen up there was probably Michel Petrucciani
with Steve Gadd on drums in 1998, although Julian Joseph in 1992, Randy
Brecker in 1998 and Django Bates doing a solo set in 1997 are well in my
top 5. Mind you, all the Bill Oddies go on about how Sonny Rollins in
'89 was the best (For once, I will agree with the beards on that one -
I've heard the recording and it was astonishing). The Malcolms don't
have a favourite because they haven't got a clue. Do go along if you get
the chance. Next year it runs from the 10th to the 12th of August
Thought for the Day - Diminished or Augmented?
Dan Greensmith
Whimsy Archive
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