JDC's Internet Jargon.
JDC's Internet Jargon.
Successor to ASC(I). Stands for "Ask Someone's Computer"
The part of the anatomy most effected by hours of net surfing. Special "S" shaped seating might help.
1) The rate at which people grow tired of waiting for your page to load and go off to look for all this internet porn they have 'heard so much about'.
2) Remember, speed kills. Kill your speed. Currently the best modem you can buy is a 2400, they are not too easy to find, but will be well worth the investment. - A slow internet connection leaves plenty of room for the rest of us to play Quake.
The virtual equivalent of playboy magazine. Think legalised version of 'Peeping Tom'.
The number of nibbles in an octet multiplied by the binary base shifted once to the left is equal to the number of bits in one byte. If you multiply this by the total number of bytes in a file divided by the word length you will find just how slow your computer really is.
The process whereby simple, well meaning folk pass on virus alerts and all sorts of other crap to all their friends, thus loosing them. Chain letters often claim to have travelled around the world 7 times before reaching you... So what? All my email seems to.
The virtual equivalent of an ash tray.
A slightly sordid sounding name for a computer program which works on your behalf to ask other computers for their 'services', which also sounds a little sordid.
A barren expressionless place where copywriters exist when they cannot be bothered to come up with a new description of, err, cyberspace. When you start giving names to things which don't exist, then you are heading for trouble.
A Domain Name Server first checks the credit rating of the applicant, and if passed, allows access to the required website. This has cut down on the irrelevant traffic to major websites, allowing only people could actually afford to buy an item view the web page. Clients which fail the credit test are automatically rerouted to a SERVER (see below).
The assigning of monetary value to ordinary English words. Since the success of the sell off of sentences and phrases, words were the natural next step, and, in the same way as the phrases all had to have ™ added to them, all words being sold off must have ".com" added to them. (Otherwise the company will look very cheap indeed and all their email will go to the wrong people).
The idea of building robots which will go out and shop for people until they have spent all their money for them, (sometimes more). The technology is still in its infancy, and so you have as much chance of a diaper being delivered as your new computer.
An electronic version of real mail which increases your chances of getting a reply by 5%! Unfortunately it is only 95% reliable. The good thing about email is that you can set up automated responses. This means that for years after we have all been wiped out by a particularly virulent disease, the computers will still be sending automated "Your request is currently being worked on by our technical support crew" messages to each other. Which is cool.
A method which allows nervous internet users to feel safe when they pass their credit details over the internet. (The same over-reliance on this pseudoscience lost Germany the second world war). But still, if it makes us feel safe, what's the harm? Encryption relies on the fact that any potential hacker will get bored and go to sleep long before the code has been broken. This naive assumption shows a distinct misunderstanding of the definition of "nerd", and is unsafe in almost every way.
A list of interchangeable insults. As in "Faq-off", or "Mother-Faq-er". For more information please see the FAQ FAQ FAQ, at www.FAQ.com
A method of keeping unwanted insurance reps out of your offices.
File Transfer protocol. The unwritten agreement whereby you have to pass all your easy jobs on for your boss to do instead.
A nice little system which was replaced because it was unable to supply quality porn fast enough. Also a funny pun type joke.
When two computers meet and decide just how slow they can communicate without being smashed up by their owners.
A place where various pets can display photos of themselves and their owners and exchange single word views and opinions about the world eg: "Meeoow".
A 'programming language' only slightly more powerful than ASCII, err, code.
The bit you can now leave off your internet addresses because it became unnecessary when everyone decided to call their web server "www" because it looked cool.
1) Generally accepted as being the kind of overstatement of the powers/dangers of the internet which is to be found written in the media.
2) A form of textual representation based on the flawed logic that given infinite dimensions of freedom to explore, you must be able to find some kind of intelligence out there somewhere.
A cute way of telling all your online friends that you'd rather speak to them all day than get any real work done. Often back-fires leaving people with the task of replying to a 1000 "Hi there Bob, how yah doin'?" type messages. Work? Is there any way to avoid it effectively?
A network of networks, an interconnection of interconnections. A metaphor of metaphors. A world wide crash just waiting to happen.
The large and critically important centre of the supposedly fundamentally spread out and indestructible internet.
A cool sounding 'must have' for businesses which don't need it.
Real time chat where people meet to bitch, flame, masturbate, and talk crap. Very much a little piece of real life brought successfully into cyberspace.
A method of getting businesses to fork out for another two telephone lines, when the amount of email they actually need to send and receive could in fact be sent by men on roof tops holding up big cards with letters on.
An ISP basically does the same job as the trashman, except that he delivers other people's rubbish to your house instead of taking yours away. ISPs spend most of their time denying any responsibly for the taste of their feed and then go and spoil the game, by banning someone on their servers. It's kind of like a fireman hosing a house with crap, and then complaining when the occupants try to throw some back.
Another cool sounding 'must have' for businesses which don't need it.
A language chosen for the web because it was new and didn't have the word "Beginners" at the front.
The veins and arteries of the internet. Now varacosed and sclerosed, piles of links do not lead anywhere and those which do not lead to porn tend to point to either Microsoft™ IE4, or Cool site of the day, which generally points to porn, Microsoft™ IE4 or cool site of the day, which points to...
A listserver which has lost the last 2 letters of its name due to the inadequacies of the operating system upon which it is being run.
Listservers are designed to reroute spam email to those who feel they are not getting quite enough already. (There is nothing worse than finding that you have to actually do some work of a morning). They have the added function of duplicating particularly poor postings. (esp. Long quoted messages with "me too", written at the end). To subscribe to a listserver mail it the word "subscribe". To unsubscribe from a listserver mail it with the word "SUbScriBE#2221" in the subject line, "UnSubscribe UnSubscribe UnSubscribe" in the main body of the email, and "unsubscribe really" in a binary attachment labelled "unsubscribe me" with the email. If this is not successful, repeatedly mail every member of the list with increasingly desperate pleas to be removed, until you are kicked off for causing a nuisance of yourself.
Attached to the end of a home page, this is a pathetic attempt to encourage people to talk to , by making it .001% easier to do so. This of course based on a false assumption, since in reality you have no mail because people don't like you.
An encoding system whereby email files are transferred silently by teams of trained monkeys. This can take time.
An arena on Usenet, which contains lists of POSTINGs. Some are illegal, some are bizarre, but most are tedious: eg. "Stop posting illegal bizarre porn to this newsgroup!", "RE: Stop posting illegal bizarre porn to this newsgroup! - No!!!", "Yes!!!", "Me too.", "Is this alt.binaries.gilliananderson?" etc.
The secret organisation which monitors and controls the internet. All IP data packets are routed through their headquarters.
Father.
Stepfather.
Your mother's in danger of becoming a whore.
Akin to the action of tossing a grenade into a crowded room, and then watching as people run around in a mad frenzy swearing at you.
Powered by tiny mice, search engines tirelessly work to expand vast lists of new webpages and links, (or so they claim). Funny then, how the same search now produces only about two more relevant options than it did this time last year.
A computer which has been programmed to send out "Error file not found", "Forbidden" to everyone who accesses it. Modern servers running the very latest in software technology are able to say: "Ooops! The file you requested was not found.", which you will agree is both a major improvement and "neat".
Search for Extra-Terrestrial Internets. Many believe that a link to a off-world network was found on Moggy the Cat's home page last year. Apparently the pages 'beyond the gateway' were filled terrabytes of pornography and java games the quality of which the world had never seen. (I know that is not saying very much). So far communication has proved unsuccessful, though we did once receive an automated response from a tech support firm on alpha centauri.
The process of attempting to send an advert with a fake return email address to everyone on the internet, in the hope that some of them will manage to write back to you and buy your product... ...rather than put all that energy into finding your home address and posting tins and tins of pork spam through the letterbox until you go promise to stop irritating everyone. Think the opposite of: "how to win friends and influence people".
The hypnotic process of selecting a link, and then another and another until all brain wave activity has ceased and you are everything and everywhere, nothing and nowhere. You have reached an altered state of consciousness. Be careful that you are not mistaken for dead. (Doctors, please check index fingers of all cadavers for signs of twitching before signing the certificate).
A set of networking protocols designed to slow down your computer and the internet. In the 60s it was realised that if it worked any faster the 'net would become a living brain and soon take over the world. It would control all the pornography in existence and men would be slaves to its awesome power. Cool.
A popular system which allows the user to turn their powerful modern computer into a slow one from the 70s. Telnet also provides the battle ground where people who think that newline is CR and people who think it is CRLF fight religious wars over it and make their systems incompatible out of spite.
Now officially accepted as the 27th letter of the alphabet, (™) signifies an expression of acute paranoia and implied threats. Interestingly with the addition of this extra letter, the six letter word PEPSI™ would be a trade mark, but the five letter word PEPSI would not.
Trolling is the process whereby people with nothing better to do, make other people with nothing better to do angry by telling them the opposite of what it is that they like to hear. Since most people don't want to hear 99% of the things it is possible to tell them, trolling is a very easy way to get people angry, and since angry people are great at making other people angry too, the troll can sit back and watch the fun, safe in the knowledge that he has not only wasted everyone's time, but he has made everyone mad too.
Unidentified routing lighthouse. Bewildered lighthousemen have been flooded with requests for internet routing for years. While they have made the best job that they can of it, it surely time to upgrade the system.
A long long list of secret clubs and cliques who lie in wait to toast newbies alive. Wear your fire proof underwear if you attempt a POSTING here. Note: It always helps to remember to end all your posts with: "email me your answers, since I never bother to read usenet..." since this guarantees a reply.
Programs designed to trash your computer which lack one ingredient: someone dumb enough to actually run them.
A window onto someone's life, and more often than not a window through their clothes as well. WebCams allow naked men the freedom to express themselves - often graphically, (do I need to draw you a diagram?). You can build yourself a cheaper, albeit more mundane form of WebCam by simply sticking a small mirror to your angle lamp: Now, whenever you're bored you too can sit and watch someone working at their computer!
A place to keep all your porn so that your mates can see it. Also provides space for home pages and internet glossaries. Very good for wasting time during office hours.
A collection of pages which just contain lists of 1000s of links to other pages, which in turn link back to the former pages. Reports of there being any worthwhile content on the web have been wildly exaggerated. Often hilariously mislabeled the World Wide Wait (!!), it is stuffed full of documents purporting to be humorous, but which on closer inspection prove to be otherwise.
Popular search engine mis-spelling of the warrior princess Xena.
(In case you're wondering, here's a link to a proper glossary on the 'net: Information Technology Glossary
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A page from James David Chapman's website.
Located at: http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~jchap/ Site mirrored here at: http://www.j.chap.btinternet.co.uk |
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