SHAFTER!
by Fin Fahey
from Big K #11, February 1985

Doubtless, you have been frequently awe-stricken by the sparkling wit and
stiletto-sharp accuracy of our reviewers down here at BIG K. By special
permission of our noble and gracious editor, I am empowered to inform you
that our output is now almost entirely automated.

After all, reviewers have lots of better things to do, rather than go through
vast heaps of luridly illustrated cassettes trying to sift a few jewels from
the dross. Just imagine a combination of lumberjack, astronaut and
psychoanalyst. That's the sort of person who would be ideally suited to the
task. We so far haven't found anyone to fill the bill, so rather than waste
vital gum-chewing time, we rely on SHAFTER! (Simulated Hacking Allowing Fast
Throughput of Electronic Reviews).

This masterpiece of software engineering runs on the Spectrum 48K
super-computer. It is a fully flexible system, and output can be
"mood-tailored" according to the user's wishes. We recently installed version
2 (listed here), which contains the ultimate in user-friendly, labour-saving
features. We don't even have to look up all those tiresome game titles and
software house names any more, since the system constructs them for itself.

We're sure that you lot out there have never noticed the difference. But just
in case you do go and ask for Toad Cruncher by Psychoyawn at your local
retailer, they're more than likely to tell you that it's out of stock, rather
than admit ignorance. A case of the emperor's new clothes. The object of the
exercise is to knock out entertaining and plausible- sounding prose, and
this is what SHAFTER! does really well. Type it in and you'll see that being
a reviewer is simplicity itself. You may even want to start your own magazine
as a result. Should you do this, please take great care not to muscle in on
our pitch, as we do a very nice line in cement overshoes, and our office is
very conveniently situated for the river ...
