By BlurNM.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM EVERYONE'S FAVOURITE INTERNET TABLOID
That's right! We hid a cassette player in Noel's house when Liam came round. This is what they had to say to each other:
Liam: Ok our kid. We're gonna write a new song, aren't we?
Noel: Not as such. We'll just change the words. They'll never notice.
L: Great idea. One of your best ideas, our kid, though, was nicking that sound off Blur's 'Badgeman Brown', putting it on the start of 'D'You Know What I Mean' and passing it off as morse code!
N: Yeah. Such a shame to rip off such a great band though. That Damon Albarn really has got a great voice. Miles better than yours. When I said I wished Damon died of AIDS I meant Damon HILL! And when I said we were bigger than god it was cause Guigsy is back on the pies. Damon Albarn is GREAT! How words get twisted these days by the bastard papers.
L: Yeah. And that Graham Coxon knocks seven layers of shit off you playing guitar! And off that other bloke who's in our band. The Rhythm guitar bloke, whatever he's called.
N: Yeah, he does, like. Their bassist is better than our's. That Alex James. What's our's called again? I've forgotten. I'm too in love with myself
L: Yeah and that Dave Rowntree on drums is far superior to us. Al is so shit on drums. I can't believe them daft gits in the press haven't noticed we use a drum MACHINE! Thick gimps.
N: Indeed. In fact, they are geniuses. All of them. I only wish we were as good as they are... Shit! What's that!!!! FOOK! ITS A FOOKIN TAPE RECORDER DO YOU KNOW WORRA MEEEN?? TURNID OFF ARR KID!
L: YOO TURNID OFF YER LAZY FOOKIN' CU...
The tape went dead. See? They really DO like Blur! And they've ADMITTED they're SHITE! And also they don't know the names of other members of other members in the band. So there you are. And remember... YOU READ IT HERE FIRST!
Oh, and for the curious, we tried exactly the same trick on them two brothers out of Embrace, and they said exactly the same things! But they genuinely believed their songs were too big for Danny's bedroom.
BLUR ARE THE BEST!!!
(That's the only serious thing you're ever likely to read in The Bottom Line).