While the rest of the country are still going to Europe for their hols, West Ham go out of it. "At least we can concentrate on the league," Harry Redknapp says. Unfortunately, Uefa decrees that all July losers must enter a plate competition, the eventual qualifiers from a mini-league going into a pre-qualifying tournament for a place in next season's InterToto Cup qualifying round, with the prize of a place in the Uefa Cup proper still dangling like a mouldy carrot, 47 matches distant. West Ham draw Very Very Young Boys of Berne and lose again.
Stan Collymore scores twice on his first appearance for Fulham in a pre-season friendly. "I have always had a soft spot for Fulham and wanted to play for them," he says. Substituted in his next game, he packs his bags and returns to Aston Villa with the hump. On hearing the news, the rest of Aston Villa pack their bags and check into the nearest stress counsellors.
AUGUST
After returning from their pre-season tour of Australia, New Zealand, China, Hong Kong, Malaysia, Singapore and a rather nice Ferrari dealership in Italy, Manchester United call a press conference on the eve of the Charity Shield to complain about fixture congestion. To help, the youth team will play in the FA Cup, an Old Trafford All Stars
Veterans' XI in the Premiership and the Neville family (Gary, Phil, Tracey Neville et al) in the Worthington Cup. The FA and Tony Banks give the thumbs up.
Bradford's Premiership debut, the first six-pointer of the season, ends in defeat at Middlesbrough. "We won't give up hope of avoiding relegation until it's mathematically impossible" says Paul Jewell, planning scouting missions at Swindon, Barnsley and Charlton in preparation for next season.
SEPTEMBER
Arsenal's mediocre early-season form is not helped when Emmanuel Petit is sent off - the 100th dismissal under Arsene Wenger. The club strike a special memento to mark the achievement: a golden balaclava with the eye
holes filled in. "I am afraid that from the dugout I have been unable to see any of the 100 clearly," Wenger says, "but it does appear that they were all a little harsh." Chelsea have better luck with officialdom, the FA agreeing that Mike Reed be allowed to referee all their games. By the end of the month they are top of the table by 12 points. Leading scorer: Sutton 16 (14 pens).
OCTOBER
The Man Utd Nevilles are eliminated from the Worthington Cup, not helped when Neville Neville is sent off for allegedly giving the referee a clearly fictitious name. Everton score a goal and are granted a civic reception and open-top bus ride. They eat the food but miss the bus.
David Beckham and Posh announce the arrival of Novotel, a brother for Brooklyn. If there are twins, the second one will be called Room 631.
NOVEMBER
The Premiership is taking shape, Chelsea setting the pace from the Man United Vets, although they drop points unexpectedly when Sutton misses the game against West Ham refusing to play when a team-mate comes in and
tells him: "It's chilly out there."
DECEMBER
Gianluca Vialli goes the whole hog and makes a world record 150mGBP bid to the French Football Federation for the three remaining members of the World Cup-winning side. But the only deal to go through this month sees
Collymore is sold by Villa to Cheltenham Town for 18s 6d, and three luncheon vouchers. and a Beanie Baby. "I've always had the feeling that one day I would fulfil my dream of playing for them," Collymore says.
JANUARY
The Nicolas Anelka hunger strike reaches day 150, the forward surviving on a liquid-only diet of pureed pound coins while his transfer drags on.
Pierre Van Hooijdonk sends a good-luck card (without a stamp).
FEBRUARY
With Wimbledon in relegation trouble, Egil Olsen is sacked after the Dons go out of the FA Cup. (Jim Smith, of Derby, David Jones, of Southampton, and Walter Smith, of Everton, also go during the season.)
Bradford are mathematically relegated. "We won't give in until it's mathematically impossible for us to stay up," says Paul Jewell. "Middlesbrough have still to visit Valley Parade. What's the betting they don't turn up and we get the three points." They turn up. "We give up," says Jewell.
MARCH
Surly Alex Ferguson concedes Premiership to Chelsea, who are 20 points clear, after a mistake by Stepney sees them beaten at Stamford Bridge in a 9am kick-off live on Sky. Mike Reed disallows four United goals, sends
off Charlton (violent conduct) Stiles (ungentlemanly breathing) and Law (shooting at goal in a threatening manner) - and heads one off the line himself. Man Utd later announce plans for a new all-seat stadium in Basildon to be closer to their fan base.
APRIL/MAY
Collymore's on the move again, to Bedlington Terriers. "I've always..."
Six journalists collapse after Gordon Strachan blames a Coventry defeat on his players. Matthew Le Tissier announces he is retiring in order to spend more time with other people's families. Chelsea decide to stage
title celebrations on the Champs-Elysees to cut down on players' travel time.
Gerard Houllier admits he is only a goalkeeper, four defenders and a midfield quartet away from a title-winning side at Anfield. Wenger, trophy-less for two years, quits Arsenal. Anelka takes charge and transfers himself to Real Madrid.
![[Sweet FA]](premier.gif)