Acorn Computers - Crap to consumer An Intel Pentium Processor - Customer nipple not arisen Arnold Schwarzenegger - He's grown large 'n' crazed Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester - Boddington's stomach ache fermenter Chris Rea - rich arse Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case David Mellor - Dildo marvel Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad Eastenders - needs a rest Eldorado - Real dodo Francois Mitterand - Mad strain of cretin Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag Gloria Estefan - large fat noise Home and Away - Aha yawn mode Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below Kylie Minogue - I like 'em young Madonna, the material girl - Real dim man-eating harlot Marti Pellow - ill tapeworm Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man Mel Gibson - big melons Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien Motorway Service Station - I eat coronary vomit stews Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled Pentium Processor - Computerises porn Performance related pay - Mere end of year claptrap Peter Ustinov - Eruptive snot Rita Hayworth - Hot hairy wart Robert DeNiro - error on bidet Selina Scott - Elastic snot Sir Alec Guinness - Clearing sinuses Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive - Pint 'o' lager virtually erases sexiness Teddy Sheringham - Teddy Minge rash The Houses of Parliament - Loonies far up the Thames The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop The Open University - Intrusive Neophyte Tony Blair PM - I'm Tory plan B Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot