ENGLAND checked into their Hotel du Golf base near La Baule on Tuesday 9 June. Football365 has intercepted a fax sent to the hotel manager just prior to the squad's rrival:
To: Manager, Hotel du Golf St Denac, Saint-Andre-des-Eaux, La Baule, France
From: Graham Kelly, Football Association
Dear Sir, I confirm our prior reservations for the English football party which will be arriving at your premises on Tuesday 9 June. To facilitate a happy stay with you, I wonder if you could circulate the following list of special instructions among your staff.
CHECKING IN
a) The one you will not recognise is monsieur Robert Lee
b) Since monsieur Gascoigne will not now be accompanying the party, please cancel the connecting rooms reserved for Mr Evans (plus camera crew) and Mr Baker.
c) It would be best if monsieur Batty and monsieur Le Saux did not room together.
d) Monsieur Sheringham should be encouraged to room with monsieur Adams. He might learn something.
e) During check-in, some players may offer your staff money "if you don't put me in with that boring t**t Shearer." This is our typical British sense of humour and should be ignored.
f) On second thoughts, put monsieur Sheringham in with monsieur Shearer.
AT DINNER
a) When monsieur Hoddle arrives, on no account offer to take his overcoat. He might become agitated.
b) Never ask monsieur Le Saux whether he "would like to taste Le Boeuf". This could lead to confusion.
c) If monsieur Sheringham asks the way to the toilet, please ensure he is unaccompanied.
d) While we trust your reputation for fine food and wines, we have the following requests:
i) No-one is to start until monsieur Hoddle has said grace (approx. 45 minutes) ii) No combinations of meat, onions and pitta bread will be acceptable as dinner. iii) Waiters will not ask "would you like chilli sauce with that?" iv) Please remember monsieur Anderton's nut allergy. v) And his lactose intolerance. vi) Also, strawberries bring him out in a rash. vii) While wine in moderation is acceptable, please ensure it is not of the Cotes de Gascoyne variety. Just in case it reminds us of anyone we're trying to forget.
PIPED MUSIC
a) The following songs are acceptable:
i) How Does It Feel To Be On Top Of The World (Extra copies will be available for you to purchase from the FA representatives).
ii) Diamond Lights.
b) The following songs are totally unacceptable:
i) Any unofficial World Cup song, including Vindaloo, Three Lions and that one by Chumbawamba. ii) Fog On The Tyne. iii) Lost In France by Bonnie Tyler.
c) The following songs must not be played within earshot of monsieur Gary Neville:
i) Two Little Boys. ii) Brothers In Arms. iii) We Are Family. iv) He Ain't Heavy (He's My Brother). v) Anything by The Gibson Brothers, the Brothers Johnson, Oasis, the Bee Gees and the Brotherhood Of Man. vi) Or Bros. vii) Especially 'Drop The Boy.' OTHER NOTES
a) The following topics of conversation are banned:
i) Swindon Town's season in the Premiership (within earshot of monsieur Gorman). ii) Chelsea's 1994 FA Cup final against Manchester United (within earshot of monsieur Hoddle). iii) The cancellation of Ms Dani Behr's Saturday tea-time extravaganza Ice Warriors (in front of monsieur Ferdinand Snr.)
b) No looking at David Batty 'like that'.
c) Monsieur Beckham would like it placed on the record that Geri left because of musical differences, no matter what it said in the News Of The World.
d) There is nothing funny about madame Drewery "laying her hands on".
e) At some stage of our stay, monsieur Ince will insist that all staff address him as 'Le Guvnor'. Please humour him. Do NOT say "I thought the Guvnor was madame Ince."
VERY IMPORTANT
a) Under no circumstances tell monsieur Hoddle that the rooms have only been reserved for three weeks.
b) To the same end, do not display your posters for the Grande Au Revoir Party' until the players return from the final group match on 26 June.