1. Fiendish plot by rest of Spice Girls to keep Geri off the front page. 2. Fiendish plot by Tony Blair to keep Shadow Cabinet reshuffle off front page. 3. Fiendish plot by Soho kebab shop owners to prevent most valuable customer leaving country. 4. Caring Glenn’s secret plan to get him back together with Sheryl. 5. Fiendish plot by manufacturers of Kleenex to boost summer sales. 6. Fiendish plot by Danny Baker to replace co-host on Talk Radio show. 7. Fiendish plot by Pakistani government to divert attention from multiple nuclear tests. 9. Chris Evans hasn’t been getting enough media attention lately. 10. Air France strike means only flights available to World Cup were on Cathay Pacific. 11. He was needed in the UK to help launch Weight Watchers ‘get-trim-for–the-beaches’ summer campaign. 12. Fiendish plot to prevent World Cup remix of ‘Fog On The Tyne’. 13. Fiendish plot by Umbro seamstresses to avoid having to make XXXXL England shirt. 14. Incurred Hoddle’s displeasure by asking Eileen Drewery to “lay her hands on”. 15. Was promising to play “just as well as I did in the Coca-Cola Cup final”. 16. Peter Mandelson needed a full-size model for that giant human figure in the Millenium Dome. 17. Hoddle feared Gazza really would be abducted by aliens. 18. Hoddle was determined to prove that the public doesn’t pick the England team. In fact, the Daily Mirror picks it. 19. Those ill-advised sponsorship deals with House O’ Lard and Mr Chunkee’s Chunky Fudge. 20. He’s no good any more.