The Match Reports 1997

MATCH ONE VS ACTON SAINTS
HT: 0-1 FT:0-3
0-1: Carl gets twisted on the right flank, and his opponant cuts inside him. Dave commits to ground and then frantically scrabbles around on the floor trying to block the striker's view of goal. The striker hits a shot which cannons off the horizontal Dave's ankle and bounces in. "Oh Dear" says Alan.
0-2: The dodgy ref decides I entered the penalty area (even though the ball was out of play at the time) and awards a penalty. It is hit low to Dave's right, and our keeper went the wrong way.
0-3: A ball down the left wing catches Carl the wrong side of his man. The striker blasts it rightfooted in at the near-post. I cunningly tell the ref it went wide and he almost falls for it until his assistant says it was a goal. Git.

MATCH TWO VS DODGY TEAM
HT: 2-0 FT: 3-0
1-0: Carl pressured a defender who was trying to be flash near his own corner flag. The guy eventually tries to hoof it clear but Joseph volleys the clearance superbly past the dazed goalkeeper who was stranded at his nearpost. An emphatic finish and some very over-the-top celebrations!
2-0: Almost straight from the kickoff after Joseph's goal, Carl makes a stunning tackle and the ball spins into Joseph's path. He is faced with a defender, but hears me calling for it and lays it off to his left. I charge onto the pass and volley the ball at shin-height with the outside of my left foot. The spin and power of the shot are too good for the goalkeeper who is left nutmegged and red-faced. His teammate sums it up with a well-phrased "Keep your legs closed yeah Joe". Honestly, there's a time and a place for everything! This goal also saw my unique goal celebration in practice for the first time - the Sandeep Spin.
3-0: In the dying minutes Raj takes a throw-in which goes to Joseph. Joseph lays it back to Raj and moves into space, he then collects the return pass from Raj. As a defender closes on Joseph in the centre circle, he performs a classy 180° turn and heads towards the left wing. I start to run towards Joseph but see he has it under control so I race down the line. Joseph's pass is overhit and everyone except me relaxes since it seems destined for a goal kick. With a superhuman effort I reach the ball right on the line and stroke it in through the keeper's legs from an impossible angle. The celebrations were wild, and it was the last kick of the game.

MATCH THREE VS THE THUGS
HT: 0-2 FT: 0-4
0-1: At the start of the match I receive a bowl out from Dave. Before I can control it, I am hustled off the ball by a thug who proceeds to thump the ball into the roof of the net. Not the best way to start a game.
0-2: After Carl practically has his legs amputated by a thug, the referee inexplicably plays a drop-ball. We lose our shape due to our fury, and Carl loses the drop-ball to a very one-footed thug. He then raced downfield, with Carl trailing in his wake, and toepunted it into the net.
0-3: A thug trips Raj, who falls into the area. The dope of a referee gives a penalty, and the one-footed thug sends Dave the wrong way by shooting to our keeper's right.
0-4: Joseph is fouled by the one-footed thug, and another thug takes quick advantage by thumping the ball into the net with Dave getting his studs caught in the ground.

MATCH FOUR VS BLACK BLOKES
HT: 0-1 FT: 1-2
0-1: Their keeper bowls the ball right through to their striker who scuffs his shot into the ground. He is lucky to see it bounce awkwardly over Dave's diving body.
0-2: In the dying minutes we throw everyone forward, but get caught with a carbon-copy of the first goal. A route one bowl-out beat the last man Joseph and gave the striker an easy finish.
1-2: My throw-in reached Carl. He turned and got a fortunate deflection off a defender before cooly nutmegging the goalkeeper. Just as we were on the ascendency the ref blew up (I wish I meant that literally!) for time.