This Home Page was created on 08 April 1998
THESE JOKES ARE ADAPTED FROM ONES WHICH HAVE BEEN POSTED TO THE SPURS LIST AND FROM OTHER SOURCES AS WELL. IF THE ORIGINAL WRITERS WOULD PREFER ME NOT TO USE THEM THEN I WILL GLADLY REMOVE THEM.
Right then, on with the show!
New Jokes (Thanks to Anthony Jeffery for these!)
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their Manchester United Treble commererative stamps?
People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do you have when 100 Manchester United Fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Manchester United Fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What do Manchester United Fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan.You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the United Fan. Twice.
A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend replies, "I ran over David Beckham".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, he tried to escape through the park."
Four surgeons are taking a coffee break:
1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded."
4th surgeon says "I prefer Man U fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."
Old Jokes
Money saving tip for Man Utd fans - rather than waste more money on yet another replica kit, simply strap a large rubber dildo to your head, it'll be perfectly obvious to everyone who you support.
Q.What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and a jet engine??
A: A jet engine eventually stops whining!!!!
Q.What's the difference between Schmeichel and Pamela Anderson?
A: Pammy's only got two tits in front of her
Q.What have a three pin plug and Man U got in common?
A.They're both useless in Europe.
Q: How many Man Utd fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out!
Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
Manchester United Directors - why spend 25 million on a new 3 tier stand at Old Trafford? Why not relocate and build a brand new stadium somewhere near London to reward your loyal lifelong supporters with a shorter journey home after matches?
Andy Cole is ill, so Alex Ferguson offers to go shopping for him.
While in the local supermarket, he bumps into Roy Evans.
"Hello, Alex, what are you doing here?"
"I'm getting a bag of potatoes for Andy Cole."
"Sounds like a fair swap to me!!"
Have you heard about the new Roy Keane alarm clock..... It goes off after 20 minutes
An antique collector walks into a store in a place called Hamlyn. He sees a small brass rat on the shelf. After looking for any other bargains in the store, he decides he wants to buy the rat.
He asks the storekeeper "How much for the brass rat?" The storekeeper says "Ten marks for the rat. One hundred and twenty marks for the story." The guy says "What's the story?" The storekeeper says "I wont tell you unless you give me a hundred and twenty marks." The collector says "Skip the story", pays for the rat, and walks out of the store.
He puts the rat in his backpack and starts riding his bike across the nearest bridge. A short time later, the guy looks behind him and sees a rat following him. This strikes him as odd, but not unheard of, so he pedals on. A moment later he hears cars honking behind him and turns around to see a pack of about a dozen rats following him. He turns and pedals faster. Finally, as he nears the other side of the bridge he looks behind him and sees hundreds of rats chasing him. He concludes that the rats must be chasing the brass rat and decides this is too much. He stops his bike, pulls the rat from his pack and throws it off the bridge into the river.
He watches as the huge pack of rats jump off the bridge and drown. Relieved but curious, the guy pedals back to the antique store. The storekeeper sees him come in, shakes his head, and says "You should have bought the story. You can still have it for one hundred and twenty marks."
The guy shakes his head and says "Forget the story. How much for the brass Manchester United Supporter?"
Q. Why does Cantona wear his collar up?
A. Because his neck is dirty.
Q. Why is his neck dirty?
A. Because he's been carrying Cole for the last year!
Fergie and Arsene Wenger have breakfast in a cafe. The bill arrives and Arsene Wenger says:
"£4 is a lot for bacon and eggs!"
"That's nothing", Fergie replies. "I spent £7 million on a black pudding!"
Copyright © 1998 S. C. Productions
This Home Page was created on 08 April 1998