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What? So soon? Well yes. It’s Whimsy time again folks. Welcome to the usual fun and games. Blessings be on your health and may your fruit be ripe not rotten. I’m glad to say that I am in a boffo mood at the moment for reasons best known to myself and I would like to share this with you. I hope that after reading this you will wish to share your joy at being happy and free. If not, at least try and make an effort. For conviviality’s sake, OK? If you’re having a good day, let me know. If you’re not, let me know. I will go through your pain with you. I’m here for you. Our special guest today is Andy Sherlock. Andy Sherlock (aka Randy Airlock, Planey Mudlark and Trandy Furlick) once climbed the Empire State Building with his teeth. On retirement from doing such silly things, he became the administrator of a donkey sanctuary. On retirement from doing such silly things, he became the first man to turn snot into Whisky. On retirement of doing such beneficial things for mankind, he became a police inspector and the cycle continued. He is now undertaking a study of Land-hunting Squid and their nocturnal mating calls. Well, somebody has to do it.... Sci-fi Whimsy coming soon! Keep your contributions coming in!!! Quieeeeeeee-shem flavourflavourflaaaaaaavourrrrrr Welcome Household Thing of the Day - Candles. I shall forego any offensive suggestions that a candle is a single woman’s best friend because remarks like that do not make me popular. I will, however, point out that a candle is everyone’s best friend and coolest household item providing you do not set yourself on fire with one. It’s all very well saying that candles provide a beautiful light that no bulb can replicate when that mellow glow is caused by you setting fire to yourself whilst inspecting your nostrils with a naked flame. Kids, be safe and smart. Don’t end up like that kid you read about in the gory advert. He ended up looking like a burnt piece of cabbage - all black, flaky and wrinkled with added blood and weeping pus. Bird of the Day - Mute Swan. Did you know that the Mute Swan is the heaviest bird capable of flight? The Mute Swan is a huge porcelain-white bird with a long neck and an orange bill, unlike the Whooper and Bewick’s Swans of Scandanavia and Siberia, both of which are regular winter visitors to our shores. They have yellow bills. The Mute Swan is a recognisable feature of our parks and gardens and is known for eating far too much bread when you feed them. They are also the property of HRH The Queen, so you cannot kill them. Otherwise you will be arrested and crucified in Wembley Stadium as an example to the rest of us. The lethal power if Swans should not be underestimated. When I was at college, a story was told about one of the local taxi drivers who was alleged to have beaten his wife to death on the banks of the nearby river. The outcome of the case was that while it was possible that he had beaten his wife to a bloody pulp, the injuries on the body could also feasibly be caused by an irate swan. Right. OK. So when you see a swan in the park, be wary and show respect as you would with a tiger (RAAAAAHHHHH!). Stay the fuck away from them, right? Web Celebrity of the Day - Our special guest, Andy, sent a rebuke to me the other day following my mention of Turkey in the last Whimsy without mentioning our next item. The notion of web celebrity is a new phenomenon which has only sprung up thanks to the proliferation of personal websites. An early web celebrity was Jenny, a young American lady who allowed her entire life - yes, including her giving her boyfriend a blow-job and lots more besides - to be captured on a webcam. She achieved her fifteen minutes during which she bored us all rigid with her boring family photos, pictures of her in various stages of undress, pictures of her fast asleep, pictures of her on holiday with her dorky boyfriend and pictures of her doing remarkable things with her dorky boyfriend. Her dubious fame lasted until everyone realised she was a bit of a biffer. She was replaced by a man called Mahir. Mahir’s story is an incredible one. He got a friend to create an English website just to show the world who he was and to invite people to write to him and become his friend. Unfortunately, Mahir’s English is not great ("Come my friends, I invitate you!!!" or words to that effect) and the effect was baffling but charming. Mahir also chucked on some photos of him travelling around Europe, looking dapper in a suit, sunbathing (with a bulge in his trunks, no less!) and playing the accordian. Big deal. Until some little entrepreneur hijacked his site and put it on a public newsgroup or something with a few additions - "I Like Sex" and other amusing little bon mots. It should be pointed out that the Mahir website opens with a huge picture of him grinning like a village idiot while a banner appears with the words "I am Mahir!!! I kiss you!!!". Fabulous. Overnight, some people out there in cyberland thought this was hilarious and he received about 250,000 hits on his site. He awoke the following morning to find his phone ringing constantly from strange foreigners and his website missing. He found it, saw the additions, found out the guy who did it and, with remarkable grace, accepted it as one of those things. Since then - and I should point out this has only happened in the last year - he has been all over the world, including a coast-to-coast public speaking tour of the USA. He is also now appearing in an advert on British TV for something web-related - you know the one with the guy playing table tennis and looking all Turkish? That’s the one. The guy has had to change his entire life in order to accomodate this remarkable event. His own site has spawned hundreds of memorial and tribute sites. If you don’t believe in this phenomenon, type in "Mahir" into a search engine and see what crops up. You will find hundreds of sites. Mahir himself apparently remains humble. His website is polite and welcoming and will give you the full story. Despite the fuss, he reminds us as visitors to his site to love and respect each other and the world we live in, drawing attention to the suffering in the world and to be nice to each other. Is he the new messiah? Not really, he’s just like you and me. Mahir, we salute you. Album of the Day - Led Zeppelin 2. Buy it. Go on, dash out and buy it now. Got it? OK. Put it on your stereo and turn the volume up loud. Brace yourself. (45 rockin’ minutes later.....) YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! Fuck me that was fantastic!!!! What a bloody marvellous experience!!!! I’ve got to do it all over again!! (45 minutes of air guitar, air drumming, air bass and crotch grabbing vocals later.....) WOOO-HOOOO!!! It’s like a musical bungee jump!! Wow! Man, that is extremely satisfying!! Special mention to John Paul Jones’ awesome playing on ‘The Lemon Song’, Robert Plant’s shoddy lyrics about "The Evil One" and bits like: "WAAAAAYYYYY DOOOOWWWWN INSIDE!!! WOMAN...........YOOOOOOUUUUUU NEEED MEEEEEE!!" BLANG! BOOOOOOOM!!! "ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Drums, Guitar & etc. to fade-out But cream of the crop, tip of the top, it’s John Bonham’s fabulous drum showcase of ‘Moby Dick’. Ahhhh. Let me chill for a bit.... Uh, right. Bird of the Day 2 (erm...can’t think of too much right now. I’ve got Led Zep in my brain) - The chicken. God has got a sense of humour and he delights in the ridiculous. The chicken we see in our farms and bus stations is directly descended from the Indian Jungle Fowl which looks like an average farmyard chicken. These birds have kept mankind alive for eons and are so vital to our ecosystem that the fact that the stupid thing cannot in any way fly can only be a bonus to us. Their beady eyes and cruel beaks just.....Ohhhh. Fuck it, I have to listen to Led Zeppelin 2 all over again!!! (45 minutes of pure rocktastic joy later......) Fucking brilliant. Precious Stone of the Day - The Emerald. Green and sensuous. Can precious stones be sexy? This one is. Shame it costs a fucking fortune to own one. Film of the Day - Arachnophobia. As I write this, it is Wednesday night. I have just watched Arachnophobia for the umpteenth time on telly and I’ve forgotten how wicked it is. No real cinematic genius at work here but unashamed fun. I actually have vivid memories of this film: It was the first "date" movie I had experienced (hey there, Susie-baby! Remember going to see Arachnophobia and I got scared and tried to hide under my trenchcoat? Ah, the memories....). Basically the plot is similar to Outbreak. Scientist discover lethal nasty (in this case a giant tarantula) in isolated foreign tropical country. It accidentally gets back to a beautiful picture-postcard Californian town, breeds with a local house spider (a first for arachnid shagging scenes) and starts spreading its deadly ways around. Jeff Daniels plays the local sappy doctor, John Goodman does his genial big-bloke act as an exterminator and Julian Sands appears as eccentric English scientist. Julian Sands is an anomaly. He is a shit actor. However, my darling flatmate Jenny reckons he’s shaggable in, if not a Bowie league, certainly worth doing just for his supposedly sexy snog in a cornfield with Helena Bonham Carter in ‘A Room With A View’. Jenny’s actual definition was: "I wouldn’t kick him out of bed on a Saturday night". I respect an expert’s opinion. I do think he’s an ugly wanker with minimal talent and a big nose. And long, floppy blond hair. Religious Bit for the Day - On the eighth day, God then began to make all the groovy things in life like toasters, videos, fridges and electric guitars. God was fooling around with some chords on the guitar but all his tunes sounded like tree-hugging hippie crap. The devil, in the form of the serpent heard all this with interest, realising the potential for fun and mayhem. After God got frustrated and wandered off to fiddle about with boring stuff like humans, the devil grew some fingers and slithered over to the first guitar. He played some crucial notes now recognised as B, D - B, D - E. Hence, the devil wrote Whole Lotta Love which Led Zeppelin then plagiarised for their second album. And thus it goes to show that the devil has all the best tunes! Thought for the Day - What if yellow was really purple? Dan Greensmith |