What do you call a guy who sticks his right arm in a shark's mouth?
Lefty!
How does a high school boy propose marriage?
You're having a what?
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to Santa!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What's the difference between broccoli and boogers?
Kids won't eat broccoli!
How can you tell if a groom is Polish?
He would be the one with the clean bowling shirt.
What bowl can you wash thousands of times, but it's still not clean enough to
eat out of?
A toilet bowl!
Everyday for quite a while a young boy brought raisins to his teacher, until one
day he suddenly stopped bringing them.
After a few days without raisins the teacher was curious and asked why he
had stopped, and he replied:
"I'm sorry. My rabbit died."
How can you tell when a blonde has been using your computer?
There's white-out on the monitor.
If you were driving down the road and you ran over a chicken, which way
would the hairs on a carrots back stand up?
But fish don't eat ice-cream!
Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their
experiments?
1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats.
2. There are some things a rat won't do.
3. The lab technicians don't form emotional attachments to the lawyers.
What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats for laboratory
experiments?
There's no proof that tests on lawyers would have the same results on human
beings.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
What educational programs should the United States support to alleviate the
burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance?
Japanese language lessons for lawyers.
How can you tell if your lawyer is crooked?
Ask him if he's a member of the bar.
What does a sperm have in common with a lawyer?
They both have a 1 in a million chance of becoming a human!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.
Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really good people.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in
the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
How do you save a drowning laywer?
Take your foot off his head.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?
The bucket.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetary.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why shouldn't you swerve and hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.
What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
When is Mother's Day?
Nine months after father's night!
The man who invented the "Hokey Pokey" recently died. You know how
they buried him?
They put his right leg in, they put his right leg out, they put his right leg in and
they shook it all about!
What did Guenevere say to King Richard?
Once a king, always a king, but once a knight is enough!
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
I wanna get a head!
What does it mean when they fly the flag at half mast over the post office?
They're hiring!
Two peanuts walked thorough central park. One was a-salted.
(Think about it...)
What is the difference between an evening gown and a nightgown?
About 15 minutes, if you are lucky!
What's brown and sitting on the piano bench?
Beethoven's last movement!
Why did the dolphin kill himself?
He had no porpoise in his life!
What are Mozart and beethoven doing for Halloween?
Decomposing!
What's the chinese word for constipated?
HungChow!
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"Cute, but can it pick up peanuts?"
Why shouldn't you tell a secret to a pig?
Because he's a squealer!
What do you call a cow who has had a abortion?
Decalfinated!
Where do you find a legless turtle?
Right where you left him!
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste!
What did the mushroom say when he was kicked out of the nightclub?
Don't kick me out, I'm a fun-guy !
A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. After taking the
parrot home, he tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead
the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird
finally the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the
freezer as punishment." The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird
in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open
the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I
promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick!
What do you call a naughty magician?
David Cop-a-feel!
What do you call a midget psychic who just committed a crime?
A small medium at large!
Did you hear about the cowboy who couldn't spell?
He spent the night in a warehouse!
Every marriage has at least three rings involved:
The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering!
What did the one eyeball say to the other eyeball?
There is something between us and it smells!
What do a tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?
They both make someone lose a trailor home!
On which side does a duck have the most feathers?
The outside!
Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out Tide.
What's a Wok?
Something you throw at a Wabbit.
What would happen if California had an earthquake an a fire at the same
time?
They would shake and bake.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Why did the golfer wear two pears of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one!
What's the difference between boogers and beets?
Kids wont eat beets.
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just designate Microsoft Darkness(tm) as the new industry
standard!
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderware!
What did the frog do when he did not want any more children?
He had a discectamy.
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron
fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
What happened to the butcher when he backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his orders.
What is the difference between the boy scouts and the Tennessee National
Guard?
The boy scouts have adult leadership.
Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in
stores now?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Why was Colonel Custer late for dinner?
He had Injun trouble.
What did one alligator say to another?
For a discount airline, they sure serve good food!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.
Have you heard about OJ Simpson's new Web Site?
It's 'http: slash, slash, backslash, escape'.
What do you do if there is a pick horse and a purple elephant chasing you?
Get off the carousel!
What woman's legs and Empire State Building have in common?
The higher you climb the more exciting it gets!
What did OJ say to Nicole before he killed her?
Your waiter will be with you in a minute.
Why was the new shortstop like Cinderella?
He ran away from the ball!
(At a resturaunt...)
Customer: Waiter, do you have chicken legs?
Waiter: Why no sir, I have rather muscular legs.
What would happen if Steve Young killed 3 people?
He would set a new NFL record!
What has four legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull.
Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was intense.
What happened when the cow jumped over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction!
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but nobody knows how they got in there!
Why did the baby cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It is two tired.
What is the difference between a skate boarder and a vaccum?
The position of the dirtbag!
How did Canadians spell Canada?
C-eh-N-eh-D-eh
What has six balls and screws rednecks?
The Kentucky Lottery!
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Where did they first make French Fries?
In grease.
How can you tell that President Clinton is sure he's going to be re-elected?
He started dating again!
Why is 6 scared of 7?
Because 7 8 9 and 10... (Think about it...)
What is green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys?
Because he was shellfish... Get it? It's a joke son!
Have you heard the joke about the bed?
It hasn't been made up yet.
What has five legs, three eyes and two tails?
A dog with spare parts.
What do you call a French leader who's been shot out of a cannon?
Napoleon Blownapart!
What do you call a bunch of millionaires who like to watch the Superbowl
on TV?
The 49'ers!
What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
Take me to your weeder!
Why can't Irishmen ever be attorneys?
They can never make it past the bar!
Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
He pasta way.
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything!
What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About five drinks!
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to
him and says "that'll be $25." A minute later the bartender is making
conversation and says, "Ya know, we don't get many gorillas round these
parts."
The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices."
Did you hear about the blond girl in the helicopter accident?
She was cold so she turned off the fan.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words!
Where does a general keep his army?
In his sleevy.
A horse enters a bar and walks over to the bartender, the bartender looks at
the horse and says, hey buddy, why the long face?
How do you catch a unique animal?
Unique up on him!
Why did the wagon train have to stop in the desert?
Because it was having "injun" trouble!
What did the girl melon say to the boy melon when he proposed to her?
We're too young... we cantaloupe!
What's brown and sticky?
A stick! - (You were thinking bad thoughts weren't ya! Shame on you! ;)
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who
shot my paw."
Did you hear about the president's daughter?
Nature gave her a beautiful face, but she picked her nose herself!
Did you hear about the Olympic Gold Medal winner from Canada?
He loved his medal so much he had it bronzed.