Sizzling Saints 9   KaisAYRslautern 3

18 December 1999

Match Report
(by Marko Van Haddock)

The boys were cold, the boys were hungover but more importantly the boys were up for it following the Sizzlers previous debacle against Kilmarnock.

This much was evident when Sizzling Saints took the lead after some 30 seconds on the clock, Ayr knocking the ball back to the defence straight from kick off. The pacy (in a slow way) Marko van Haddock intercepted in Sean Hocknell style and rounded the last defender but good vision from the keeper resulted in a tremendous block. The ball however rebounded to the other member of the Dream Team forward line and a Karl Fletcheresque drive from outside the box by Mark Logue screamed into the top corner of the net. Strangely on this freezing icy day no-one joined him as he dived in the corner in celebration.....Chances abounded in that first ten minutes, the normally deadly Marko van Haddock especially guilty of a few missed chances with the Ayr keeper making an inspired start, in particular with a reflex save tipping a Haddock drive an inch round the post after a good through ball by Tony the Grumpy Tiger.

Saints paid the price for the missed chances when Ayr equalised with their first attack of the game. Although Gloves had pulled off an outstanding save from the Ayr striker, he was helpless as the rebounded effort found the back of the net. Saints then contrived to miss a few more chances, Delbert stealing the Haddock thunder with a couple of wasted efforts. Again Saints were to pay the price and received a KaisAYRslautern loyalty card for their bother.

Ayr midfield playmaker Aj looked up from 40 yards out, saw Gloves marginally off his line and launched a lobby piledriver into to the top corner of the net with Gloves having no chance. Aye yer arse! Aj's hit and hope effort took about fifteen minutes to even get near the goals. Gloves flapped more than a Greenock resident at a charity auction and somehow the pishiest of efforts sneaked in to give Ayr an undeserved lead.

Saints went to pieces after this and Ayr started to dominate the midfield and despite some ropy defending at this stage Saints managed to keep the deficit to one. The match was to turn 5 minutes before half time when Mark L lobbed the ball over the Ayr skipper Grammy, and the ball was met with a sublime crashing 18 yard outside of the foot volley by Marko van Haddock which flew past the helpless Ayr keeper and into the back of the net. An absolute beauty, a romper, a teaker, a stoater. Saints took heart in the presence of such a piece of footballing skill and the passing started to come together again, only the half time whistle preventing Saints taking a lead.

The second half was only minutes under way when Mark L having seemingly shook off his hangover started to find his gears. With the ever impressive Delbert and a strangely in form Tony Tiger now dominating the midfield ably assisted by a uniquely sober Anto McIver on the flanks, Saints passing was ripping Ayr to shreds and a fine through ball from Tiger clinically executed by Mark L put Saints into the lead again.


Ayr never recovered and Saints then started scoring for fun. I can’t really remember the order of goals as I was stunned by the beauty of the play I was seeing and my memory is fading as quickly as my hair but the general gist was as follows. Saints force yet another corner, the ball is swung over, cleared by the Ayr defence to well outside the box. Ben Fica puts down his pipe and slippers, casts aside the zimmer, switches off his wireless and from a good 25 or 30 yards screams it into the top corner. Feck n heck, a peach, a veritable humdinger!! Like Tommy Turner against Raith the old man showed he still has a bit of pace and he’d reached Barrhead by the time we managed to catch him for a congratulatory "How the feck did you manage that?" show of appreciation.

Mark L then completed his hat trick in controversial fashion heading home a corner after an alleged fracas with the goalkeeper but the referee didn’t see anything wrong, probably cos there wasn’t a referee, and Mark L celebrated yet another Sizzling Saints hattrick. Tiger then sent Delbert through and when lesser players would have panicked and attempted a first time shot, the Kenny McDowell of Feegie Park took 1,2,3 cheeky yet sublime touches before burying the ball in the corner. Tony McG was next on the scoresheet. Lets try and be kind about this goal. Erm....after a good move his well hit shot deceived the keeper with it’s accuracy. He was unlucky not to score a belter though, after a cracking move down the flanks a powerful header by Tony unluckily striking the bar.

Player/manager Harpo then decided to impose himself on the play, coming on for the last 10 minutes. Van Haddock, who had played deeper in the second half, picked the ball up on the half way line and beat two men before passing the ball with the outside of the foot to an advancing Ben Fica. Ben was thwarted by a good tackle but showed the vision to throw a quick one to Harpo who in an inimitable fashion shimmied his marker and with a moment of unfeasible silkiness rocketed a back heel from an almost impossible touchline angle screeching into the net. He was easier to catch than Ben but not by much. Tony McG and van Haddock were starting to link well up front but after a good move unfortunately broke down, Ayr hit Saints on the break and from a good cross their third was scored off the thigh of their predatory striker. Saints ninth and final goal came when the ball broke just outside the box and Marko van Haddock took one touch to guide the ball past Ayr skipper Grammy, a gentleman obviously still rocked by his treatment at the hands of his own supporters who cruelly alleged that a watching dog was better as it was the proud owner of not only four legs but indeed a tail. Anyway, on the edge of the box and Marko van Haddock hit a sweet one into the top corner.

And 9-3 it finished. OK a lot of players haven’t been mentioned but there were no failures on this park. Special mention must be made to Jimbo and Ross who I think had their best games in Saints jerseys. Thanks to the Ayr lads for the game, decent lads one and all, and to their fans for some cracking songs and banter.

Haddocks man of the match: the dog with the four legs AND a tail, allegedly better than Grammy.

  [Sizzling Saints]