The Morton Bullsh*t - translated by Sizzling Saints

Many fans have pondered over the recent statements eminating from the top brass at Greenock
Morton Football Club. The clubs owner, Shuggy Scott, has announced some incredible plans
for the clubs future ground re-development.

Most supporters, including our unwashed friends from the arse of the bank, are slightly bewildered
by it all so Sizzling Saints, being the community minded gaurdians of the peace have thoughtfully
translated the clubs official press release on the re-development. If you want to find out what it
REALLY means then read on...........

Text in white is from the OFFICIAL club release- red comments are Sizzling Saints translation !
ps: Check out the English and punctuation in this official release - it is appalling !

Following Wednesdays Planning meeting where after talks between Club officials and Inverclyde Council Morton’s application was continued. Morton will now submit a new application based solely on the building of a new stadium on the existing car park. Assuming the Council has no objections to this application work will commence as soon as possible.

The bas**rds in the Council are going to knock back our planning permission again because the rough sketches we did on the back of a packet of 20 Club King Size don't meet up with their poxy standards. We realise that everyone will be really annoyed about this so we'll try to put all the blame on the council and then hopefully everyone will blame them when it all goes Pete Tong and the club folds.

Another application will be submitted for the redevelopment of Cappielow. The building of the new stadium relies on planning permission being granted for Cappielow Park now for the next best revenue source following the food retail request being turned down.

They won't let us turn Cappeilow into a supermarket - so we're gonna turn it into a football stadium instead.  

The Clubs Chairman Hugh Scott has also given the green light for the upgrading of Cappielow which will see Cappielow have a 10,000 seated capacity by 31^st March 2000 which will see Morton eligible for the SPL.

We're going to find a magic lamp and rub it hard until a genie appears - we're then going to wish for 10,000 shiny plastic seats to be magically installed in our ground over the next eight months. If this tactic fails we'll buy a tenners worth of lucky dips and cross all our fingers and toes.

Fans might ask why the Club does not just stay at Cappielow-Cappielow is an old outdated stadium which does not have the infrastructure required for an ambitious modern football club. The following examples highlight this:

We don't care what the fans think - so they can all go and f**k themselves.

1.Poor toilet facilities.

No toilet facilities 

2.Inadequate office space.

No office space

3.Limited kitchen facilities and hospitality areas.

No kitchen facilities and hospitality areas.

4.An OLD stadium.

Shit we need a fourth point.........ehm.........oh f**k it just put down that it's old again

The Club accepts that there is a sentimental link with Cappielow but for the Club to move forward a NEW stadium is a priority which will see modern supporters facilities - restaurants, family areas and bars. Modern playing facilities-spacious dressing rooms, physic areas and an appealing stadium to play football in.

We know the fans want to stay where they are just now - but we don't really give a f**k.  We'll spout a bit about restaraunts and bars and stuff like that to shut them up - when it comes down to it we'll just shelve all that and say we couldn't afford it. 

The new stadium will provide a source of income for the Club, which will hopefully allow Morton to take their place amongst the "big boys" of Scottish football.

We know we've blown it by leaving the ground this long - sorry bout that.

Hugh Scott and Greenock Morton Football Cub are willing to take Morton onto a new level and the support of fans is of great importance. Now is the time for ALL fans to get behind Greenock Morton Football Club by doing what ever is possible to assist-buy a season ticket, purchase a programme and 50/50 tickets, support the Club Shop and join the Morton Super 10.

Right - enough of the bull - we need you lot to pay for it - give us loads of cash now or we'll close the club down. Once you've given us your money we'll sell up and bugger off and you can go and f**k yourselves.

The Morton "Super 10" is being brought back by popular demand by the FANS and it is up to the fans to become agents, canvassers and members to make .

 Are you still here ? Didn't you hear us ? Get out there and steal some money and give it to us pronto

Ther you go - it's official - the shugmaster was on the total wind-up - as expected these "plans" will come to nothing more than a couple of benches installed in the cowshed and a possible "merger" with penniless Clydebank. The extra revenue the bankies dozen or so fans will bring to Greenock each week won't even cover the cost of turning on the floodlights each week !

If it all happens like the Shug man says it will then I will publish a full apology and recognition of his work on this site and donate £50 to the charity of his choice.