Onion Bag - "in the net....on the net" - Edition 3

Welcome to the third edition of Onion Bag...a newish feature on Mellor FC's website... containing news, humour, gossip and banter. If you have any items for the next edition of Onion Bag e-mail them to dearsley@globalnet.co.uk.

You might have thought you couldn't appear in a more embarrassing photograph than being snapped on a footy team pic with you manhood showing....but Si Boydell (who suffered that fate last season) manages to go one better in the cheesey studio-based portrait you will see if you click on his head (right). PIC 1. He's either hoping to be the next face of Val Doonican sweaters or it's a fundraiser for the Save Baby Seals From Being Battered charity. Either way it's not for the squeamish...... At last an e-mail from Nigeria that doesn't ask to deposit 20m dollars into my private bank account if I simply send off my account details and PIN number. This one is from a chap called Saint Innocent Azubuike PIC 2 who says he plays professionally in Lagos, is 29 and wants to join Mellor FC. Clearly the thought of the rugby club's gruel is preferable to the fare in his homeland. I'm sure he's the apple of his parents' eyes and kind to animals too. But I'm just not so sure about that rather manic stare and being a cynic I'm immediately suspicious of anyone calling themselves Innocent before a conversation has started. I'll leave that one in the in-tray for the time being......Some amateur footballers are accused of behaving like animals. But Danny Godfrey is clearly much more interested in animal behaviour PIC 3.Last year you may recall he was photographed poking a hedgehog (with his finger I should add!). Recently, wandering near his home in Marple Bridge, he caught on camera two mice in what can only be described as a rather perverted sexual act. I say two mice but one of them appears to be dead. How rare such activity is in the animal kingdom I know not. I shall certainly be sending the snap to David Attenborough for his opinion. Meanwhile continue to keep a look out for all creatures great and small Danny.....talking of sick creatures, Paul Marsden failed to make it onto the pitch against Whalley Range for the Thirds recently and failed to make it home in someone's car without puking up. The two statements are linked. A quiet Friday night in next time, young Paul......Amsterdam is proving a popular getaway destination for Mellor FC players no doubt keen to chart the canal system, visit the art galleries and inspect the historical tulip growing industries. Craig Fairfield, Matty Wyatt and Danny Hayes recently went on just such a mini break. PIC 5 & 6. By all accounts the lads fell foul of some obviously ill-kept mushrooms and clearly also suffered some sort of allergic reaction to foreign beer. Stick to Skegness, is my advice, lads. Paul "Podge" Goodwin, the man with legs like former Brazilian star Garrincha, is 24 today (24.4.06). Happy Birthday. By tonight he'll have legs like Bruce Grobelaar in a penalty shoot out!

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