BY IAN MARSHALL
In The Woods. Hortense is pacing up and down
HORTENSE: Drat, drat and treble drat! For 18 years now I have been obsessed with revenge on the King and Queen. Yes, I vowed I would get even with them .. and I will. Hortense shall keep her promises. But, how to achieve it? I have watched and waited, but the palace is guarded day and night against me. What shall I do?
Commotion off stage. Enter Damien, Wanda & Stella, with Sir Edmund and Balderdash bound and half covered in sacks.
HORTENSE: What on earth …
DAMIEN: We found these spies, boss.
WANDA: Yes, wandering around the forest they were, pretending they were lost.
EDMUND: (muffled, inside the sack) We were lost.
STELLA: Shall we kill then boss?
WANDA: Pull out their tongues?
STELLA: Gouge out their eyes?
WANDA: Tear out their entrails?
DAMIEN: (who has not been listening, innocently) Anyone for tea? (Wanda & Stella try to be sick)
HORTENSE: Silence. fool. Hmm, we could do with some entrails for use in spells. But let's see who we have caught first. ( The sacks are removed). Ha, I know you. Sir Edmund Blackviper, brother of the king, my worst enemy. Yes, I think its about time we replenished our supplies, don't you.
EDMUND: Please, don't kill us…
BALDERDASH: We were only wandering in the forest …
EDMUND: And we got lost …
BALDERDASH: We were doing no harm…
EDMUND: And besides, the bits you want of me would be no good for your magic. I'm dyslexic..
HORTENSE: What does that mean?
EDMUND: It means I can't spell! Why not try Balderdash instead? He's much better at magic than I am. After all, he can work miracles.
BALDERDASH: Yeah, that's right. I can. ....... Can I?
EDMUND: Well, you've managed to exist without a brain for all these years. I call that a miracle.
HORTENSE: Silence. Take them away. A long slow death is called for, I think.
EDMUND: No, spare us. Name anything and it shall be yours. My brother will pay any ransom. I swear on my life. No, better still, on his life. (Pointing at Balderdash)
HORTENSE: Silence, you snivelling, knock-kneed, cowardly toad. Hmm. Perhaps you may be of some use to me after all.
EDMUND: Anything. Just name it. He'll pay. (Pointing at Balderdash)
HORTENSE: No, better than a ransom. I want the king and his daughter … dead.
EDMUND: Now, that's not such a bad idea. Perhaps I can be of some help there.
BALDERDASH: But sire, the princess is your niece. You wouldn't want to harm her would you?
EDMUND: & HORTENSE: (Together) Shut up, you pathetic little weasel!
EDMUND: Yes, perhaps our plans are not so far removed after all.
HORTENSE: Get me into the palace, find me somewhere to hide, and bring the princess to me. Then I can wreak my revenge at last.
EDMUND: And what's in it for me?
HORTENSE: Need you ask, Sir Edmund, or should I say ..... King Edmund
EDMUND: King Edmund? Yes, King Edmund. Edmund the First. Edmund the Great. I can see it now, all the citizens of the kingdom bowing down before me, and paying homage to their true and rightful king. Right Hortense. Meet me tomorrow at midnight outside the palace. I shall smuggle you in and bring the princess to you. Come Balderdash. let's go and try on the Crown for size. If you grovel nicely .... I might let you polish it. (They exit)
HORTENSE: Ha ha. My plan is laid.
DAMIEN: That must have been quite a chicken!
HORTENSE: (Ignoring him) For years I have kept an old spinning wheel, and now I shall take it into one of the rooms in the darkest corner of the castle and wait until the princess is brought to me.
WANDA: Are you sure she'll come?
HORTENSE: She will. Don't worry.
STELLA: How can you be sure?
HORTENSE: I've already read the script! Now, I must go and disguise my face.
DAMIEN: You mean, you're not wearing a mask?
HORTENSE: Watch it. You might find your pay stopped.
DAMIEN: That'll be a pleasant surprise. I've never had any.
HORTENSE: What? I gave you a pound only last year.
DAMIEN: And I loaned it to you. Anyway, what about the Witch of the West's spell?
HORTENSE: Oh, you needn't worry about her. Her magic is no match for mine. No prince is brave enough to venture here.
WANDA: But what about Prince Charming?
STELLA: Yes. He's in love with the princess.
HORTENSE: You'd think he'd have something better to do with his time. But you're right. We must devise a cunning spell to keep him at bay. Meanwhile, let's put this particular spell into action. You two keep a watch out for anyone coming.
WANDA & STELLA: Right. ( They exit)
HORTENSE: (To Damien) As for you, you dolt, you'd better come with me. I need your help. (She exits)
DAMIEN: Yes, Hortense. (Aside) You may need my help now. But one day I'll pay you back for the way you've treated me all these years.
CURTAIN
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