Misc Jokes 1
Kids used to ask you where they came from - now they tell you where to go.
Children should be heard, not obscene.
Don't ever stand up to be counted or someone will take your seat.
People in groups tend to agree on courses of action which, as
individuals,they know are stupid.
Those who can - do. Those who cannot - teach. Those who can't teach -
administrate. Those who can't administrate - try to get elected as MP's.
Smile - it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
The organization of any bureacracy is very much like a septic tank, - the
really big chunks always rise to the top.
If the first person who answers the phone cannot answer your question,
it's a bureaucracy.
Never step in anything soft.
Nobody ever puts out a sign that says NICE DOG.
The average woman talks 50 per cent more than her husband listens.
Give me a home where the buffalo roam... and you've got a room full of
buffalo droppings.
VD is nothing to clap about.
Things only turn out well in the end if you visit a proctologist.
"What's wrong with me Doctor?".."Wait, we'll see what the computer says".
Murphy's laws:-
1. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
2. Everything takes longer than you think.
3. In any field of scientific endeavour, anything that can go wrong will go
wrong.
4. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,the one that will
cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
5. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
6. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can
go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will
promptly develop.
7. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
8. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
9. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
10.Mother Nature is a bitch.
11.It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so
ingenious.
Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics
Things get worse under pressure.
The 90/90 Rule of Project Schedules:- The first 90 per cent of the tasks
takes 10 per cent of the time and the last 10 per cent takes the other 90
per cent.
Supersonic travel means that although you still can't be in two places at
once, at least you can be heard trying over a wide area.
Two's company, three's an orgy.
A road map always tells you everything except how to refold it.
When walking a dog, be sure the animal is smaller than you.
Success is like a fart - only your own smells good.
Before you meet any handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.
When all else fails...read the instructions.
What some people lack in intelligence, they more than make up for in
stupidity.
Procrastination, like all other long words, is the thief of time.
It's a known fact - cross-eyed teachers cannot control their pupils.
A bird in the hand is too small for dinner (or the bush may taste better
anyway).
Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull over to the side
of the road.
Sex is a misdemeanor - the more you miss, da'meaner you get.
Birth control is avoiding the issue.
Man who slings mud, loses ground.
There's a new manual out on how to be spontaneous.
The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Van Roy's Postulates:
1. He who hesitates is bossed
2. A meeting is no substitute for progress
3. It isn't who you know, it's who you "yes".
4. The wheels of progress are not turned by cranks
5. A desk is a wastebasket with drawers
The strong take from the weak, the rich take from the poor, and the
government takes from everyone.
An "acceptable level of unemployment" means that the government economist
to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
We should go metric, every inch of the way.
He who laughs last has no sense of humour.
A watched pot never boils - unless you light the gas under it.
If at first you don't succeed - so much for skydiving.
The only person who got everything done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
Sheetz's Ruminations:
1. It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
2. A friend in need is a friend to avoid.
3. You don't have to be a cannibal to get fed up with people.
4. To err is human; to forgive is against company policy.
5. When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
6. The way some people find fault, you'd think there was a reward.
7. Those who think they know it all are very annoying to those of us who do.
I'd be a pessimist, but it wouldn't work anyway.
If at first you don't succeed - find someone who knows what he's doing.
Be sure that the brain is engaged before putting the mouth in gear.
Letters beginning 'Dear Sir' will always be opened by a woman, usually an
officer in the Women's Lib movement.
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
It's true that money talks, but the only thing that it says to some people
is 'Good-bye'.
How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Ideally, every morning a man should be older, heavier, uglier, and have a
deeper voice than his wife.
Important things that are supposed to happen do not happen, especially
when people are looking.
The advantage of being a pessimist, is that all of your surprises are pleasant.
Lots of people suffer from public bar arthritis - every night they get
stiff in another joint.
Man cannot live by broad alone.
Apathy is becoming a major problem - but who cares ?
'In closing' is always followed by the other half of the speech.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
The best thing to hold onto in this world is each other.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you don't
understand the problem.
Promises are like babies: fun to make but hell to deliver.
Infants speak many languages before they find one that grown-ups understand.
Some people are like blisters - they never appear until the work is done.
The Spare -Parts principle (or don't drop the screws/jumpers when building
a server):
Accessibility during recovery of small parts which fall from the work
bench varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its
importance to the completion of work underway.
Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the
least accessible corner. On it's way to the corner, any dropped tool will
always first strike your toes.
If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
Frequent naps will keep you from getting old - especially when taken while driving.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights will make a left.
On the highway, beware of rolling stoned.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
An unbreakable toy is good for breaking other toys.
Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may diet.
New Year resolutions to cope with change ?:
The human mind is like a parachute - it functions best when it is open.
The only angle from which to approach a problem is the try-angle.