THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STUDENT BLOOPERS
ST PAUL'S SCHOOL
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History
teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student
blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following
"history" of the world from certifiably genuine student
bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
States, from eighth grade through college level. Read
carefully, and you will learn alot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in
the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of
the sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated
by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the
shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range
of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created
from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am
I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac
on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his
brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up
his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to
it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the
Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without
straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to
get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled
at playing the liar. He faught with the Philatelists, a
race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of
David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The greeks
invented 3 kinds of columns---corinthian, Doric and ironic.
They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says
that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx
until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The
Illiad", by Homer. Hoomer also wrote the "Oddity", in which
Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his
journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by
another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek
teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed
him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was
a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic
because the people took the law into their own hands. There
were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that
they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbours were
doing. When they faught the Parisians, the greeks were
outnumbered because the Parisians had more men.
Eventually the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History called
people Romans because they never stayed in one place very
long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their
hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because
they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel
tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames,
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod
mustarded his troops before the battle of hastings, Joan of
Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims
of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally the
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged
twice for the same offense.
In Midevil times most of the people wee alliterate. The
greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many
poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale
tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt
the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to
the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal
indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the
female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It
was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis
circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII
found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his
knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen
she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before
her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went
out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous
only because of his plays. he lived in Windsor with his
merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one
of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In
another, lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the
king by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an
example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as
Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey hote."
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
"Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise
regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus
was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing
about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the
Pinta and the Santa Fe. Later the pilgrims crossed the
ocean, and that was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When
they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by indians,
who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them.
The indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of
the indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses,
which proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a
hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies
were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the revolutionary Wars was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send
their parcels through the post without stamps. During the
war, Red Coates and Paul Revere was throwing balls over
stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks
crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer
had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration Of
Independence. Franklin had gone to Bostin carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.
He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and
declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time
became the Father of our country. Then the Constitution of
the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log
cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was
president, he wore only a tall silk hat. he said "In onion
there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysberg
Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysberg on
the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation
Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-
Negroes citizenship. But the clue clux clan would torcher
and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the
night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and
got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth,
a sopposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable
time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book
called "Candy." Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is
chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are
falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was
Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half
English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the
present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He
was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the
forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution
was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was
the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted
into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned
heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the
Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at
Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder
problems and was very tense and unrestrained. he wanted an
heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a
baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the british
Empire is in the east and the sun sets in the West. Queen
Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63
years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life
were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the
final event which ended her reign.
The ninteenth century was a time of many great inventions
and thoughts. The invention of the steam boat caused a
network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented
the McCormic raper, which did the work of 100 men. Samuel
Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer
discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
naturailist who wrote the "Organ of the Species." Madman
Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the
Marx Brothers.
The First World war, caused by the assignation of Arch-Duck
by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human
history.
In the beginning there was nothing. God said,`Let there be light'.
And there was still nothing, but everybody could see it.