It was at the age of fourteen that I began my education into addiction. In the years since my first drink, my emotions, spirit and body have been twisted, shaped, and reformed. Somehow through it all I know pain and suffering, joy and victory, and a power far beyond my full understanding. My experiences have provoked me to write articles, short stories and daily journals. My main reason for writing is simply that others might identify with love for life and with God's great compassion for His creation. My desire is that the writings will inspire and educate the reader.

I am a disabled American veteran; I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of the violent nature of my work as a Military Police Officer. I have spent many years within the system of recovery, including veterans hospitals and rehabilitation programs, searching for a way out of addiction, only to fail over and over again. Because of my experiences, I have spent time working with others going through the recovery process. I have learned what works and what doesn't.

I see the chains upon my wrists. I have hacked at them with my good intentions. I have smashed at them with all man made formulas. I have taken many forms of advice on the removal of this heavy burden. These chains rub me rough upon my skin, I am bleeding, I am walking in the valley of death. There is no light here, or is there? I really wonder if there is freedom from addiction. Addiction is the dark place I walk.

I am sleeping in this Dumpster and drinking mouthwash. It seemed strange when an employee of the 7-11 tossed a box of rolls into my green steel home. I ate a stale roll that day. I am a man of dignity, so when I crawl out of this Dumpster I will wait until no one is looking!

I know that there is a line I will cross today. The line from my normal bizarre behaviour to insanity, depending on how much I drink.

I seem to be in search of some sort of comfort level. I can't find it but once in a while I feel "right." I know I will black out. When I sporadically awake from my black out, I am running down the street screaming at the sky. In my drunkenness I have lost the guitar that I wrote Christian songs on. The loss of my guitar is the primary grief for the day. I am a singer songwriter. I love the Lord. I am born again. I am so drunk that I am going crazy.

If any one would see me they would walk the other way. I have been so sick with this addiction I figure I will die in it. I have been taken into the hospitals on several occasions. In my condition I have never experienced any understanding or love from any one. This is something I learn early, no one feels sorry for some one who is destroying themselves. People think I can just stop. I think of myself as an outcast. I don't expect anything from anyone. I don't feel sorry for myself; I hate myself for being in this condition.

I suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder. I was a military police officer in the army. I have spent years in the veteran's hospital. I have been on most psychiatric medications. I am an alcoholic and a drug addict. I got drunk to escape my thoughts.

I remember those days and break out in a cold sweat. I have had days of misery more often than I like to recollect. I have survived and I am alive. I am alive because, despite the fact that I was a raving lunatic with too much alcohol in me, God had me in His sights. There is no way out of God's vision. He was moulding me as a potter would mould clay.

If I were to believe some of the things said to me about who God is, I would have never run back to Him. I am ashamed of my condition. I couldn't seem to turn away from that shadowy place of addiction, I thought of all the times I could have died in my addiction. I asked God "Please, Just let me die sober! That's all amen."

His love has no boundaries. He is not afraid of my sins. He knows me through and through. This darkness is an occasion for the Lord to shine His unquenchable Light. I am aware of who I am without Him. I know where I would be if He were to leave me alone. I am not a righteous man. God is moulding me into the image of His Son.

God's heart was breaking when He saw me in my sickness. I felt I had nothing to live for. I wanted to die so many times in my life. I would call out to Him and I couldn't hear Him and I couldn't see Him. I would get so angry I would yell at God and tell Him a thing or two. I realised God was in control and I was out of control. I would blame Him for all my troubles.

God sees into my mind. He is not surprised at my expressions of anger. I was in so much trouble and so messed up. My Father was reaching out to help me. My physical and mental condition would be God's tool for repair.

I am glad that the things in God's heart aren't the things in man's imagination. I have come to realise that God is not the God of law but of grace and mercy. I am grateful of His new and better way. My righteousness could never come by the law. My Father is aware of my human limitations and my rebellious heart. His plan is to allow me to be taught by the trials of life. I will learn the joy I search for and run from is rooted in His Son Jesus. My relationship comes from a changed heart that sincerely desires God. I can't hide from Him I can't run from Him. I was conceived into His family by way of adoption through Jesus. He is the one who is committed to me.

The fullness of God is not limited to the Bible, but in the relationship He desires to have with me. I see Him as His Word comes alive in me and I experience Him in our relationship. He deals with me on a level of my human understanding.

I suppose there will always be men who study God. There will always be disagreements, fights and self-righteousness. The pride of man keeps God at distance. Men can't reach up and touch God no matter how high his ladder may extend. The Father has reached down and embraced man through His glorious Son Jesus Christ. This is how God speaks.

I have listened to the words of certain people and found them empty. Their words were non-productive as they spoke with self-righteousness, caring only about their man-made "spiritual position of pride". They block the way to the kingdom and place themselves in positions of esteem. I am aware of these types. They are the Pharisees of this day.

I have listened to the words of people and found them fully of the Holy Spirit. These people are the lights shining in this dark world. I leap in the spirit and their words are from God's own heart. These words bring a joyful change within my soul. I grow towards God because of their words. Thy have been so helpful to me. I will never forget these people.

I am forever condemned to imperfection. I even have trouble being good. I look at myself and I see someone who isn't fit to serve Him. My heart and mind speak to me, they tell me I am so useless. I am a sinner. I still sin. This self-contemplation will send me back to the chains that bound me for so many years. I will die in my self-evaluation. I will not move in the direction God has intended. It is God who has called me. I need to remember it is He who has justified me.

God has set me free. He was the only one who could break the chains. He set me free to be His slave. I am a witness for the cause of Christ. I will remember the chains upon my wrist. They are thoughts that will forever keep me dependent upon my Father. Beneath my circumstances I continue to see a great light of love!