EDGES MAGAZINE Issue 14

Aug/Sept 1998



TIM'S STRUGGLE CONTINUES.........
Life at the moment isn't really too good for me; certain things that are happening and things that are going on. I am using Heroin again at the moment, something I really don't want to do. I am not doing this for publicity or anything, I just want to give my opinions and views to someone that will listen, basically.
TimIt's an everyday thing, you've heard it all before thousands of times but it is down to you at the end of the day. If you want to get off Heroin there is only you that can do it, that's apparent I know that much. I got off it before, I had a habit that was £240 per day. I was on 100ml of Methadone a day and I got off it all on my own, I did it for my Mum and me. I managed to do it and then I ended up in custody for a firearm offence, but I think it was through the mental strain and the psychological strain of coming off all the drugs that I had been using that caused me to do that. It was out of character for me, I don't think that it was me that did that, it was just a rash decision on the spur of the moment, I don't really know why I did it to this day.

I have lived in other places. I used to live in America before I came here and I have seen drugs and I have seen what they can do to people. I always thought I was the last one out of the group of people that I hung around with who would end up like this. I've hung around with different groups of people all over town and I always thought to myself that I was the strong one, that I'd never ever take Heroin, but unfortunately, I did and its all been like a bad dream really. I can't quite put my finger on why I ever took it, I am doing my best to get off it now but talk's cheap, especially with that stuff and the things that surround it, it's very cheap, you either do it or you don't do it. I suppose for fitting in with people I have always been one to jump too fast to please people. I have always been kind, I've got a kind heart but I've realised now that people take advantage of that kindness, they mistake it for weakness when really you are just trying to be good, but there are that many dodgy people about nowadays, you can't be too good to someone because they will take advantage, that is my view.

I have been in custody quite a few times in my life, I don't find it good, and I don't find it hard. I couldn't really care less if I got locked away because to me it is like a health club, a jail, because I get off the Heroin, I feel healthy again. I haven't found any strong points or reasons for getting off it, it's like a self-fulfilling prophesy, even when you're off it people say there is always that doubt in the back of their minds that you're a "smack-head", so in a way, that causes me to use because I think, oh what the ****, so what, I might as well just do it. You know everyone's thinking that, so I might as well just do it; but that's a lame excuse really, I know that much.

I am trying not to use, but because my name has been dragged through the mud, mud sticks and I reckon I would like a fresh start from this town, basically. I feel very bitter towards certain people. There are a wide variety of things I would like to do, I know I am intelligent but it's just how I use it. I don't put my intelligence into the right categories. I've had a mis-spent youth. I am 21 now, and I know I have wasted a lot of my teenage life. I have had chances that I haven't taken with certain things. I've had something I wanted, but never taken it, because I had a lack of confidence in myself. I still have. Heroin gives me that confidence sometimes, that's why I use it. I don't want to use it any more. I do fear for the younger people who are seeing how many addicts there are. In a deep sadistic way, people might think it's cool to be an addict, but I can tell you something, that its not cool and I would never be responsible for giving someone their first hit, I've never done that and I never will. The other day I was arguing with someone and if he reads this magazine he will know who he is, and he threatened to hit me because he wanted an injection but I told him no, because I know what it did to me, it dragged me down into the gutter and I would never ever be responsible for dragging someone down in the gutter, I just couldn't do it.

The end result, going back to prison, doesn't help anyone because it hasn't helped me. I went to a rehab, but unfortunately when I was there, one of my mates hung himself in prison and that caused me to use, if there is an excuse that's the one I'd have to use. He died, and then I went to another rehab, and I'd been there a day and my uncle had an epileptic fit and he died, and I'd had an argument with him and that was the last time I had seen him and that really upset me and caused me to use again.

I would like to add, about drug workers and key workers, if they've never lived it I can't see how they could give you any advice. They have had training, and that's fair enough, but if they haven't lived it, it's hard for them to understand.

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