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EDGES MAGAZINE Issue 14 |
Aug/Sept 1998 |
TIM'S STRUGGLE
CONTINUES.........
Life at
the moment isn't really too good for me; certain things that are
happening and things that are going on. I am using Heroin again at
the moment, something I really don't want to do. I am not doing this
for publicity or anything, I just want to give my opinions and views
to someone that will listen, basically. |
It's
an everyday thing, you've heard it all before thousands of times but
it is down to you at the end of the day. If you want to get off
Heroin there is only you that can do it, that's apparent I know that
much. I got off it before, I had a habit that was £240 per day.
I was on 100ml of Methadone a day and I got off it all on my own, I
did it for my Mum and me. I managed to do it and then I ended up in
custody for a firearm offence, but I think it was through the mental
strain and the psychological strain of coming off all the drugs that
I had been using that caused me to do that. It was out of character
for me, I don't think that it was me that did that, it was just a
rash decision on the spur of the moment, I don't really know why I
did it to this day. I have lived in other places. I used
to live in America before I came here and I have seen drugs and I
have seen what they can do to people. I always thought I was the
last one out of the group of people that I hung around with who
would end up like this. I've hung around with different groups of
people all over town and I always thought to myself that I was the
strong one, that I'd never ever take Heroin, but unfortunately, I
did and its all been like a bad dream really. I can't quite put my
finger on why I ever took it, I am doing my best to get off it now
but talk's cheap, especially with that stuff and the things that
surround it, it's very cheap, you either do it or you don't do it. I
suppose for fitting in with people I have always been one to jump
too fast to please people. I have always been kind, I've got a kind
heart but I've realised now that people take advantage of that
kindness, they mistake it for weakness when really you are just
trying to be good, but there are that many dodgy people about
nowadays, you can't be too good to someone because they will take
advantage, that is my view. I have been in custody quite
a few times in my life, I don't find it good, and I don't find it
hard. I couldn't really care less if I got locked away because to me
it is like a health club, a jail, because I get off the Heroin, I
feel healthy again. I haven't found any strong points or reasons for
getting off it, it's like a self-fulfilling prophesy, even when
you're off it people say there is always that doubt in the back of
their minds that you're a "smack-head", so in a way, that
causes me to use because I think, oh what the ****, so what, I might
as well just do it. You know everyone's thinking that, so I might as
well just do it; but that's a lame excuse really, I know that much.
I am trying not to use, but because my name has been
dragged through the mud, mud sticks and I reckon I would like a
fresh start from this town, basically. I feel very bitter towards
certain people. There are a wide variety of things I would like to
do, I know I am intelligent but it's just how I use it. I don't put
my intelligence into the right categories. I've had a mis-spent
youth. I am 21 now, and I know I have wasted a lot of my teenage
life. I have had chances that I haven't taken with certain things.
I've had something I wanted, but never taken it, because I had a
lack of confidence in myself. I still have. Heroin gives me that
confidence sometimes, that's why I use it. I don't want to use it
any more. I do fear for the younger people who are seeing how many
addicts there are. In a deep sadistic way, people might think it's
cool to be an addict, but I can tell you something, that its not
cool and I would never be responsible for giving someone their first
hit, I've never done that and I never will. The other day I was
arguing with someone and if he reads this magazine he will know who
he is, and he threatened to hit me because he wanted an injection
but I told him no, because I know what it did to me, it dragged me
down into the gutter and I would never ever be responsible for
dragging someone down in the gutter, I just couldn't do it.
The end result, going back to prison, doesn't help anyone
because it hasn't helped me. I went to a rehab, but unfortunately
when I was there, one of my mates hung himself in prison and that
caused me to use, if there is an excuse that's the one I'd have to
use. He died, and then I went to another rehab, and I'd been there a
day and my uncle had an epileptic fit and he died, and I'd had an
argument with him and that was the last time I had seen him and that
really upset me and caused me to use again. I would like
to add, about drug workers and key workers, if they've never lived
it I can't see how they could give you any advice. They have had
training, and that's fair enough, but if they haven't lived it, it's
hard for them to understand. |
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