Edges Magazine Issue 21: I Watched My son Become An Addict

EDGES MAGAZINE Issue 21

April 2000

I WATCHED MY SON
BECOME AN ADDICT

Marie, from London, recently made contact with Edges Magazine. She knows what it's like to watch a loved one change.

My son was a happy go lucky boy, he enjoyed his school work,and he excelled at sport,he won trophies for all sports ranging from football to darts.His most prized trophy was for being 'Club Boy of the Year',which he was thrilled about, and I was very proud. Its ironic really, because not long after he won this trophy, he started to change , he was 15 at the time. A new group of boys joined his club , and after a few weeks the Club Leader came to see me, he told me that this new group had been caught smoking 'Pot',and they had been banned from the club, and that my son had left with them. His dad and I spoke about the dangers of drugs with him,and we told him that we knew that these boys were smoking 'Pot',he said "O.K so some of them smoke Pot,that doesn't mean that I do." I was very worried and frightened,and I wouldn't allow any of these boys into my home. I tried to discourage my son from seeing these boys,but all of my pleas fell on deaf ears.

As time went by my son became very secretive, and an accomplished liar. I used to search his room,not really knowing what I was looking for. I was ignorant about drugs,but then I started to find burnt matches,cigarette papers and small pieces of rolled cardboard and,later on,pieces of foil.

My son left school at 16,without taking all his exams,the results of those that he did take were very disappointing. His teachers were surprised,they expected him to do better, and they had noticed a vast change in him. He found himself a job and he seemed to enjoy it.

His behaviour was becoming very erratic, one minute being the son we knew and loved,the next like a frightened,angry stranger, demanding money, screaming and shouting,threatening and saying we didn't care about him. He had also lost his appetite by now.

The police started coming to our home, accusing him of stealing car radios. He had been given cautions at the Police Station,then he ended up in court for these crimes,and was put on probation. I was praying that he had learnt his lesson but he hadn't.

He walked out of his job, and things started to go missing from home. We confronted him but he always denied it. By this time I was a physical wreck,I couldn't go to work,I didn't even bother to eat properly, or even wash myself. I even contemplated suicide, I felt I couldn't stand the pain and fear any more.

He made more court appearances,and had curfews put on him by the court,and I would watch the clock,and every second that went past his curfew time was like a knife going through my heart. He ended up in a remand centre, I was devastated. I just cried and cried,and I hadn't smoked for twelve years but I started again. I just never realised the heartbreak drugs could cause.

The Probation Service told me about Families Anonymous,a self help group for relatives and friends of drug addicts. I went along to this group, and when I heard them talking about the same fear and pain that I was going through,I felt that I was among friends. From Families Anonymous I learned a different way to live, and how to cope with my fear and pain, I also learned that my son's addiction was his problem,not mine. This did not mean that I should wash my hands of my son. It taught me to say 'No' to him when he asked me for money, because by giving him money I was enabling him to buy his drugs,and could be contributing to his death,and I also told him that if he used drugs in my home he would be asked to leave. All this may sound easy, but it was very painful and difficult.

I was getting stronger now, feeling more confident,and having more control over my life, with the help of my group.

When he returned home for the second time, and things started to go missing again,I had to ask him to leave. I found him a place in a hostel through the Probation Service. I packed his bags,I was really heartbroken,but I stuck to my word.

His dad and I drove him to the hostel,and when he went inside, I completely broke down. I knew I was right in asking him to leave, because while he was at home, I was allowing him to use his drugs in comfort,and therefore condoning his actions.

He used to visit me quite often,and we used to sit and talk. I always told him how much I loved him,and that I would always be there for him,when he wanted help to come off drugs.

On one particular visit,he was helping me to clean the house. I let my guard down for five minutes,when I returned,he was gone, and also my video, this was the fourth video he had stolen from me. I don't know how I got the strength but I went to the police , and said I wanted him charged,he was arrested and went to court.

I spoke in court. I told my son that this was the hardest thing I had ever had to do in my lif e. I told him that I had done this because I loved him so much,and that I didn't want to see him kill himself with drugs.

The court sent him to a Rehabilitation Centre, where he stayed for a year, and he did very well there, but sadly when he left he started to use drugs again. He is in prison again now, but in September he is going back to the Rehabilitation Centre. My son doesn't hold it against me for having him arrested,he knows why I did it.

A lot of good has come out of it. He was drug free for a year, and he realised how good life can be without drugs. He wants to change his life, and I know that he really means to.

I am so grateful to Families Anonymous,they helped me to understand addiction,and to change my attitudes towards it. My son and I have become much closer now, through me going to my meetings,and Families Anonymous has shown me that there is life after addiction. Thank God for F. A.

My son has written a poem about me and Families Anonymous,and I would like to share it with you.

My Mum's Changed now,
She's very strong.
She does know about me,
She's proven me wrong.

She doesn't sit on the visit and cry all the time.
She wants to know why I take drugs
And commit crime.

She seems to understand how a junkie feels,
The loneliness, the pain and the thrills.
She doesn't just want to kick me out.
This FA thing I initially laughed about,
Really has helped my lovely Mum out.

She's no more a devastated lady,
She's got over all that.
Now I'm the mouse.
And she is the cat.

It's really good that my Mum is like this,
I'm not even embarrassed to give her a kiss.
I can talk to my Mum and she'll hear me out,
And she really understands me, without a doubt.

My Mum really has got a lot stronger,
And soon we will all be together,
It won't be much longer.
I often think, 'come on mate',
Now its your turn,
Mum's mastered it,
Now you've got to learn'.

I know my personality
Will always be the same,
But I don't want no drugs,
I've had enough of the game.

I want to be clean and live a good life
Instead of a cell mate,
I'd rather a wife.

I know that this time I will jump
Where last time I fell
Because my family is better
Than the road to hell.