Edges Magazine Issue 25: I Overdosed

EDGES MAGAZINE Issue 25

April 2001

I OVERDOSED- I HAD LOST EVERYTHING

As an organisation we don't give up on anyone - Asim is a fine example of walking that extra mile. He needed to get away from Blackburn. Our project could no longer help him, so we explored other possibilities. He shares the following story:

T.H.O.M.A.S. helped me get funding from probation to go into a treatment centre in Lancaster in 1999 for heroin addiction. At the time I thought that this was the best thing for me because I did need further help with my addiction. The programme run by the centre was a concept based programme. I lasted for six weeks. I found that the programme was not for me.

The day I left the programme I overdosed straight away. I thought that I might as well go back on it. I ended up in hospital. In there a psychiatrist came to see me and said he would give me a couple of weeks on a ward. He put me on medication as I was suffering from anxiety, depression and suicidal tendencies.

When I left the ward I got a place in the Salvation Army but realised that I was going to go down the same road. I started to drink alcohol to try and block out the fact that I was in a hole again. All the time I was thinking, 'Where am I going to go from here?' In a matter of a few days I was back on heroin and injecting.

I had to leave the Salvation Army because they found out that I was on drugs. I had nowhere left to go. I had blown out every place in Blackburn. John, one of the workers at T.H.O.M.A.S., got me a place in a hostel in Preston. In Preston hope was running out big time. There were addicts all around me. I began shoplifting to feed my habit.

I would have lost the will to live but I just held on to this little glimmer of hope inside of me. At this time existence was hell. I went back over to T.H.O.M.A.S. and spoke to John who found a place in Weston-Super-Mare called Hope House. He told me to put some money aside from my giro and that he would take me down for an assessment.. It was the last resort as I would get no further funding from Probation due to a conflict with my probation officer. Hope House would take me purely by using my state benefits. This was last chance saloon, there would be no more treatment centres for me. I gave fifty pounds to the manager of the hostel in Preston to look after.

I went down for an assessment and after that when I returned north. I just kept phoning up Hope House to show I was interested and willing. One day the manager of Hope House told me to come down, he had a place for me. I just said to him, "OK. Boss," that was the only thing that kept me going at the hostel. In a sense I didn't really believe that it would come through. Preston was the pits: 'jacking up'(injecting) in toilets, ambulances always coming, overdosing a couple of times.

When I went to Hope House I decided to surrender myself totally. No matter what the workers told me to do I would do it. No matter what happens I could not mess this up. I crawled in there on my knees. I did my withdrawal and began to get into the programme. In the groups they talked about addiction, understanding addiction and they looked at things more in-depth. There was a lot of love shown to me. There was a faith input there and looking at the work of a higher power. Faith was the one thing that kept me going during my addiction. Whilst in treatment I put everything I had into the programme. I put as much energy - mentally and physically, as I could muster into it.

The programme at Hope House is Twelve Step. There are twenty six residents, both male and female. The treatment time is between four and six months depending on your progress.

I left after three and a half months. The counsellor said that I was ready now to move onto the second stage, which is a dry house. I was at this time looking to the future, not projecting too much, but I wanted to go to college. The timing was perfect as I finished my treatment in August 2000 and started my college courses in Psychology and Counselling in September. My subjects are about understanding myself still, all self development work. I don't know if it will lead on to something in the future but at the moment they are keeping me busy, mentally stimulated and interested. It's positive and constructive stuff.

My journey is all about wanting to understand myself and the way I react to situations better.

The dry house was a secure environment for me. They conducted drug testing and we had to keep up our therapeutic duties. During this time I was also going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings two or three times a week. This provided me with a very good support network. I also have a sponsor. He is a person I met at the meetings who supports and guides me in my recovery. He himself is an addict who is seven years clean, so he can help me be aware of all the pitfalls you experience during recovery. I have a lot of respect for him. It's a scary thing navigating this jungle of life.

The first few months out of treatment were frightening. I found that I had a conscience for the first time in many years which wouldn't let me get away with stuff. I was fixing my feelings and my conscience wouldn't let me run away from myself, especially now that I had been given the tools to combat addiction.

After a few months I got my own place which was a big time mistake for me. I started to get very lonely. I began smoking cannabis, just a few spliffs here and there. The people who I was associating with used to drink at the weekends. I got it into my head that I could do that as well. I needed to switch off at times, it got too much - analysing and thinking all the time, so I started drinking as well. I wasn't happy because I knew that I shouldn't be doing what I was doing. The alcohol led me slowly but surely to having a few lines of heroin. I had relapsed.

The difference was that this time I knew exactly where I was going and where I was going to end up. I had no peace whatsoever because I had so many things going for me- college and my friends, I thought I was going to lose everything. This happened during the Christmas holidays which is a very dangerous period for addicts anyway. My friends gave me support. They took my money and looked after it for me.

I went back to my flat and started spending time there. There was no withdrawal because I had only been using for a week. I was a little depressed but I could handle that.

I managed to not use heroin again and I began to spend my money on things like my flat. Fortunately, this happening over the Christmas period meant that I had not missed any college. I need that little reminder. I did more for myself in three weeks after I had relapsed than I had done in any time before that. I knew that I had to change. I became myself again but without the drugs. Fortunately, I had not lost anything due to this relapse. No real damage was done.

At this time I got back to going to Narcotics Anonymous on a regular basis. I was going to a meeting a day at one point, just to remind myself. For the first time I started to listen in meetings rather than get wrapped up in my own self-conscious stuff. I learnt a hell of a lot in the space of a few weeks by keeping my mouth shut, opening my ears and listening. That helped a lot. My college teachers also helped. They were very understanding.

At the moment I seem to be getting my life back together, slowly but surely. I've got a routine and a structure to my day, which is very important. It is going to take a period of time before I can face what you could call normal life. There is still a lot of work that needs to be done. For me at this time it's still about laying the foundations so that the house that I hope to build will be strong.

This is my third visit back to Blackburn, and to my family after many years. It's great to come back just to see them. I have to build bridges with my parents. It feels good that people I care about can see that I have changed because at one point I thought the drugs would kill me.

I am still working at my spiritual side daily which has been a great help to me throughout all of this. I ask for God's guidance each day and lots of things have happened in my life. When you are walking the right path good things happen to you. I have good and evil inside of me. It's necessary for me to feel my spiritual side, God consciousness, so that my dark side can no longer take over me. I pray daily just to thank God just for the day. I haven't got much but the little I have got I am grateful for. I am grateful for what I have today - some good friends, little bit of food, tobacco. I am happy with that. If I carry on along this path things will happen for me and doors will open. That's about it.