My name is Lee and I'm with the T.H.O.M.A.S. Organisation. I come from London and that's where I heard about T.H.O.M.A.S.. My mother picked up an Edges magazine. I read it and spoke to my mother about it because there was a lot of stuff I identified with at that time. There was a lot of stuff about people taking drugs and I myself at the time was taking heroin and crack cocaine. I was basically homeless and squatting in a flat in South East London. I contacted the T.H.O.M.A.S. Organisation to see if they could help me. I was invited up to Blackburn and I had an assessment. They accepted me into the project. I had to do something about my life at the time because I was out stealing to feed my habit. I was lonely and depressed. Basically, I was fed up with life. The excitement of using drugs had long gone. I knew it wouldn't be too long before I would be arrested and back in prison, facing the withdrawals. I would have to face the pain and the misery of prison again. I wasn't prepared to do that so I came here to Blackburn. It was about three weeks ago that I came here. I have been in prison about fourteen times. The first time I went to prison was in 1987. I was smoking cannabis then and I had taken speed a few times. I was also taking tranquillisers and doing petty crime. I went to prison for two months. My sentences started to get longer, twelve months, two and a half years etc. I was doing more crime to feed my addiction which had progressed to heroin and crack cocaine. In the past my addiction has been anything from forty pounds a day to three hundred pounds a day. Whatever amount of money I had I would spend on drugs. When your smoking crack cocaine one hundred pounds can last you an hour. I first started taking drugs when I was at school. I felt inadequate at school, I wore glasses, I was little and I thought that everyone else was better than me. I was really insecure. I started taking solvents at school so that I would get noticed. I don't know why I felt the need to do this because I did have a good childhood. Personally, I believe it was the way I was born. I believe this because nothing happened in my life to turn me onto drugs. There was no great bereavements, no abuse issues. I have a very loving family with no history of addiction or alcoholism. I had a normal schooling and I'm quite an intelligent person. Even before taking drugs there were other addictions. I remember at the age of eight I was obsessed with music and football. It wasn't normal. I wanted to play football and listen to music everyday for hours on end. I saw a child psychiatrist when I was about two or three years old. They said I was hyper active. The lowest time I had while I was taking drugs was about two years ago. My parents evicted me from their home because I had been stealing from them and using drugs in their house. I ended up homeless living on the streets of London. I was dirty and I couldn't really wash that much. I was struggling to earn money to feed my habit by shoplifting everyday. It was quite frightening because I was having blackouts from using drugs. I would wake up covered in bruises and cuts. When I would walk past people's houses and hear all the family noises I would feel so lonely. It was a nightmare. When I got four and a half years imprisonment I was devastated. I remember standing in the court room and shouting at the judge. My offences were serious. I was committing burglaries on people's houses to feed my addiction. It was horrible being in prison this long knowing that I would be there the next year and the next year. I saw some terrible things in prison, people cutting their wrists, hanging themselves, I saw someone get boiling water thrown in their face because of their drug debts in prison. There was one guy who told me he was going on a visit and getting some heroin. He said he would give me some after tea. I was waiting for him to come up to my cell. I went to his cell and opened his door, he was dead in there. He had swallowed the heroin and it had come open in his stomach. I have been in ten rehabilitation centres in the past. There is a lot of control in these places, you have to be the way they said you have to be. There was no freedom to be yourself because you would get into trouble for it. There were consequences like washing the dishes for a week or cleaning the floor. I just conformed in these places and acted like they wanted me to. This is very easy for an addict to do because I can be whoever you want me to be. These centres never really worked for me, although they did benefit me greatly Since coming to T.H.O.M.A.S. I have found that it is not like that at all. I didn't like it to start with, I thought it was too easy and too soft, I thought there wasn't enough counselling. I was very judgemental and critical of the place. Now I have been here for a few weeks and I'm getting into the programme I really appreciate the chance of being me and the freedom I have. It's not really structured and ridged, that is something I struggle with at times but its very beneficial because I am being me and not someone else who other people want me to be. Here, it's all about being you and what you need. I appreciate the counselling that I get here, I appreciate the one-to-one's with my counsellor. He's been in rehabilitation centres himself so he understands were I am coming from. I also appreciate the spirituality recovery group because it's all about me and changing. This group brings up a lot of stuff for me. Looking ahead to the future, even though it is only early days for me, I have had a lot of writing published and I would like to continue my writing. I have just written a book about addiction which I need to typecast. Also I would like to get involved with the T.H.O.M.A.S. Organisation, working with people because I believe I have decent skills in that area. I don't believe I was born to work in a warehouse for six pounds an hour. I want to do something spiritual. |
