 Simon Donnelly is now a member of our team. He Co-Ordinates our Drama Workshop for ex-drug users. It was only the other day that I was taking stock of my life over the past few years and thinking how fortunate I am to be in position to share this story with you - It was on the 7th February 2000 that I entered into the bosom of St. Anne's House once again. My first time being in June 1998, when I was a 24 year old 'child' waiting to go to court for a varying number of crimes committed whilst using the devil dust called heroin. I was admitted into the Reconcile Project, (the T.H.O.M.A.S rehabilitation project) where I stayed until the 13th August 1998. I was then forwarded to a 12 Step rehabilitation centre on the Flyde coast, being arrogant, cocky and egotistical, I thought to myself, "Who are these monkeys to tell me what I don't know already?" I thought I had it sussed. I'd got away from Darwen, I'd got off a prison sentence, I'd got off drugs, I was going to be clean - no matter what happened to me. Round One to the old denial, BOOM - didn't see it coming, used on a home leave, at the train station ready to go back to treatment, train pulls into the platform, my head tells me, "Go on, go and use. Nobody's gonna find out." So that's me kicked out of treatment the following day, staying up all night with my friend on the tin foil, it didn't give me the answers I wanted to hear. So in February 1999, I move back to Darwen, where my partner and baby were living. I hadn't used again, I get myself to NA (Narcotics Anonymous) where I attend meetings for a while, still sick but not recognising it, not talking honestly, not telling people what is going on inside my head, not telling people about my feelings, I know what's happening but I couldn't talk to anyone, sorry, didn't want to talk to anyone. Telling people you're alright is one thing but asking yourself and trying to convince yourself that you are is a totally different ball game, I even tried to lie to myself, it wasn't going to work. I was in a dangerous space - telling everyone I was all right, I'm not going to use ever again. Then in October 1999, I lost my uncle to cancer, this was the excuse I needed to go and use drugs. And so, I go and use, not like I thought I would, gradually, it's straight back at it. Like I had to make up for lost time or something. As I was informed whilst in treatment, it gets worse when you go back using - I was armed and dangerous - I now had a conscience, using drugs wasn't what I thought it was going to be like. I went from bad to worse, my partner decided it was best if I moved out of the family home. So I stayed in a B & B for a couple of nights and then went to T.H.O.M.A.S. for some help on where to live, - a hostel in Darwen was the last case scenario. My using went through the roof, I didn't care, I thought nobody loved me, I was back to what I knew best - escapism. And did I know how to escape, I was the Houdini of drug using, nothing would stand in my way and nothing came between my drugs and me, we were like Siamese twins joined at the hip. I didn't think of anyone else but ME, MYSELF and I that is what using drugs does to someone, I didn't keep regular contact with my partner, nor my son, nor my parents or sister, I wasn't even in regular contact with myself. I became a void within a human body, my mind ceased to work thinking only of the moment when the devil dust would enter my body and take control of me and then my escapism would be complete. It was sitting in a hostel 'cell' when the first pangs of reality hit me, there had to be more to life than this miserable existence, I was depressed and didn't even realise what was going on. Reality hit home at Christmas time when I didn't have anything from 'Santa Claus' to give to my son, a card was all I could offer, I didn't have anything to give to my partner, nor my parents, cards were all I could offer. I will never, for as long as I live forget, the 25th December 1999, I'd been invited to my parent's house for Christmas dinner. I turned up bearing a card, immediately apologising as I didn't have a gift for them, my dad put his arms round me and said, "It doesn't matter, you're here, that's the best present we could have." I burst into tears and soon all of us were crying, the meaning of reconciliation was brought home to me. I cried and cried like I hadn't done in years, pent up emotion came flowing out of me, I was crying for myself, my mum and dad, my partner and my son. It was the start of a change in me; I'd felt so depressed in the days before and the days that were to follow that I seriously contemplated suicide, an option that I'd never seriously explored before. Then from somewhere within myself, somewhere deep, a voice said to me - 'SORT YOURSELF OUT, THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS'. Two days later I contacted T.H.O.M.A.S. I went to see one of the counsellors and was told to keep in contact, which I did, and was admitted on the 7th February 2000 at 1pm. The process of sifting through my emotional baggage was a long and slow road. A road that seemed to go on forever, I was on the transcontinental highway of my life and this time I was and still am determined that nobody including myself is going to cause an accident that will jeopardise my life or the lives of others. It sometimes feels that it was a past life using hardcore drugs. Now as a member of the T.H.O.M.A.S. team, I am constantly reminded by the people who come knocking on the door for a cup of tea and a biscuit, the people who come into our Reconcile Project, the people who write letters from prison asking for help on release, the distraught parents that ring our office talking of their sons and daughters who are snared by the world of drug addiction. These people remind me of where I have been and I am not deluded enough to think that it is a place that I will never return to. The reality is, it is only a day away if I don't constantly keep a check of myself. I combat this by working with people who walk the fine line of addiction, - by going into schools and performing a drug awareness production, by being honest, by working hard for what I have gained, and most importantly by working hard at my relationships with the people I love most, my family. It's good to be back in the real world. |
