Edges Magazine Issue 29: Just out of prison

EDGES MAGAZINE Issue 29

May 2002

JUST OUT OF PRISON

I started using drugs when I was nineteen years old. It was only cannabis at first then it slowly progressed to amphetamines and LSD. They say you can’t get addicted to speed but I did. That’s when I got into crime – thieving from cars and doing burglaries. When I got caught I was sent to a young offenders institute for six months. It didn’t really bother me, it was just like being back in the army. I got kicked out of the army when I was eighteen.

I got out of prison and did the exact same thing. By this time I had a son called Carl. This didn’t deter me. Things just went from bad to worse. I was out all the time grafting and taking loads of speed and E’s.

I went back to prison in 1994. Then my second son Nathan was born. I was remanded in September and the day after my father died. That’s when I was introduced to heroin. It just took all the pain away but when I got out I stayed away from it. That was until 28 February 95 when I was back on remand charged with murder. I spent thirteen months in Preston prison with a really bad attitude towards everyone. I hated the system and anyone in authority.

While on remand Macaulay was born. I had no feelings for anyone, not even my own children. I thought I was never getting out so I didn’t care.

Then in February 1996 I was found not guilty on the murder charge. I was let out with nothing and nobody. It was only a matter of time before I was at it again. I was only out for five and a half months, getting out of my face on gear all the time. I did a robbery and I got grassed up off my own brother and got four years. I was shipped about the country and ended up in no less than 10 different prisons because of my behaviour. At last got out after three years inside but I would not admit to myself I had a drug problem.

I’d only been out a couple of days and I met a girl called Mandie who I love more than life itself but yet again I messed everything up. I got a habit on heroin that I couldn’t handle. I stole off Mandie and her family. I didn’t give a toss at the time because I was that smacked up but Mandie stood by me.

We moved to Ireland and I got a job and did my rattle, but I still had a problem. On a weekend over to Blackburn we called into T.H.O.M.A.S.. We had a chat with Pam Fawcett who was great. She told us all about the programme and I decided to go for it. We went back to Ireland. I came back leaving Mandie five months pregnant behind. I never went into T. H.O.M.A.S. I got a raging crack habit. I was smoking more and more each day but I wasn’t doing burglaries or anything. I was taxing the dealers who were selling it and, as per usual, it all went wrong. I ended up back in prison doing fifteen months for handling stolen goods. That’s when I decided to admit I had a serious problem in my head. Pam works in Preston Prison so again she came to see me every week and really helped me. She kept in touch with Mandie. In September my son Kaylib was born and I swore to myself I’d really sort my life out. In prison and out, probation do nothing for you but Pam Fawcett did everything.

Now out of prison and in T.H.O.M.A.S. I feel great. I have only been in for a week and I am growing in confidence each day. I hope to be able to put all the wrongs I have done in my life right because I feel really bad about the things I have done in the past, especially to Mandie and her family. I just want to be able to live my life without drugs and crime, to be a really good dad to my son Kaylib and put things right with Mandie because she means everything to me. My other sons have their own lives now. I don’t want to spoil that. I just want Kaylib and Mandie forever.

Also, I want everyone to know that I’m really sorry for the things I have done in the past and I mean every one, especially Mandie’s family. I know I wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for drugs, but I can’t turn the clock back. I really wish I could. It’s all in the past now and so is my so-called reputation. People can call me a wimp but at the end of the day I have grown up and I am sorting my life out once and for all. I’m sick of being a junkie and living a lie.

At last I ’m going to be a normal person again thanks to the help of Pam and the T.H.O.M.A.S.project,and most of all Mandie and our little son Kaylib.