Edges Magazine Issue 31 - Is Marriage a Dying Institution

EDGES MAGAZINE Issue 31

November 2002

Is marriage a dying institution?

Joan Entwistle shares her views

What is Marriage? And why is it necessary for a stable society? The dictionary definition of Marriage is: The legal union by a civil or religious ceremony by which two people of opposite sex become husband and wife.

The romantic novel or film would represent Marriage as the blissful union of man and woman. She in clouds of satin and lace and he, in his morning suit going off into the sunset to live happily ever after.

The reality is somewhere between the cold definition and the romantic bliss, as I can vouch from my own experience. All sociologists state the family, husband, wife, child/children as the backbone of society. The stability of Marriage, the keeping of the vows forms a solid base for any child born of that union. The public commitment as shown in the wedding ceremony, the union of two families gives support to the husband and wife when the first months of living together can be difficult and not the bed of roses the romantics would have you believe.

Recently I witnessed the renewal of their Marriage vows by a couple after 25 years.The ceremony was attended by their children and members of the extended family. It was a moving occasion, for this Marriage has seen both great times and also the lows of redundancy, illness and the stresses of near poverty. It has survived all these ups and downs and become stronger because of that first commitment. The belief in one another, the knowledge that both had kept their Marriage vows has formed a stronger union that like good wine has matured with keeping. It has become a foundation for their own children to build on and an example to their contemporaries that Marriage can survive all the traumas of modern living. In fact Marriage seems to be the antidote to many of society ills. It gives stability, trust and honesty in relationships that non-marital partnerships often lack. Ask any couple who celebrate long Marriages the reasons why and the answers are invariabily, give and take, talking together, sharing and not letting the sun go down on any argument Despite modern trends of "living together", "single parents" and "quickie divorces", Marriage still comes first in the plans of most young couples. Obviously not all Marriages will last as not all "partnerships", even so the number of re-marriages has risen over the past years. My vote is for Marriage with all it’s stresses and strains, as I said earlier a good Marriage like good wine matures and improves with keeping.

Ann Slater shares her views

Over hundreds of years much has been written and said on the subject of marriage. At the Marriage Feast of Cana Jesus gave His Blessing to the union of marriage which He said must not be broken by man. Shakespeare talks about the ‘marriage of true minds’ where he compares love as the guiding star of marriage to the compass which guides sailors through their journeys.’….it is an ever-fixed mark/that looks on tempests and is never shaken…..Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks/But bears it out even to the edge of doom’.

Again Kahlil Gibran in ‘The Prophet’ says ‘You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God’.

So is marriage a dying institution? Judging by the media coverage of weddings in magazines, films etc. it would seem that The Big Day is as popular as ever with the bigger, the better seen as highly commendable.

But what is the truth behind all the hype? Research shows that the number of divorces granted in 2000 fell slightly compared to the numbers in 1999.Whether or not this fall is due to the fact that fewer marriages took place is not quite clear. The marriage rate is now at its lowest for 80 years and the age at which people marry is rising. What is clear is that more and more couples have chosen to cohabit rather than marry, for any number of reasons.

Is there a difference between a wedding and a marriage? I think there is a world of difference between the two. A wedding, at least in our culture lasts for a day, whilst a marriage is the day to day living through sickness, health, pain, sadness, happiness and compromise which should last a lifetime. Many of those who decide to forego the ceremony consider themselves to be as much married as those who have gone through the formalities; therefore it would be unwise to say that the relationship of a cohabiting couple is less stable. Marriages can remain intact for years for varied reasons – socio/economic, religious or other whilst the relationship is nothing but a sham. What makes the marriage/relationship work is what Shakespeare called ‘the marriage of true minds’, and no legal niceties, religious ceremonies or any other outside influences can change that.

If statistics show that marriage as an institution is dying we have to realise that statistics do not always reflect the true picture. If, for instance, the failure rate is set at 1 in 3 then the other side of the picture is that 2 in 3 marriages work. We then have to add the number of cohabiting, unrecorded relationships that are happy and enduring and which are a marriage in every sense of the word. Whilst for me the ideal way to start a marriage would be a religious ceremony for those who have a belief in God, or a civil ceremony for others I acknowledge the fact that the enduring quality of the relationship is the essence of a true marriage.

I endorse the words of Khalil Gibran – ‘Love one another, but make not a bond of your love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your soul…..Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music’.