Helen's Son is a former addict |
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| Because Chris lied continually, I never knew what was true or
false. Things would go missing and I thought I was going insane because he
would always deny any knowledge of knowing anything about it. If it was my
partner’s property he would give me a bad time so I would try and recover
whatever went missing or make excuses. As Chris’s life went down the black road of drugs, so did mine. Two years ago, I was working inWigan, when I received phone call from Chris. He told me that two thugs who lived nearby had slashed his face. On the way home, I tried to prepare myself for what I would see. Chris’s face had been slashed twice. His cheek was hanging off! I dressed his face and took him to Whiston hospital. We sat there in silence for four hours. A junior doctor attempted to restructure his face. Chris was in agony and she evidently wasn’t doing a good job so I asked for someone senior to look at him. With each attempt to stitch him, I felt the pain and felt guilty and helpless but I knew I had to stay in control for Chris’ sake and my own. He needed to have surgery the following morning but Chris couldn’t stay in overnight because he needed a fix. I had to take him home to get a fix and then take him back to the hospital. I was so angry with him and the people who had done this to him. Chris came back home and continued to take his drugs. Those responsible made it clear they hadn’t finished with him and when they saw my other son, they beat him up too. We were helpless to do anything for repercussions from these thugs on our families. I rang the person who slashed him and he demanded money and told me that he hadn’t finished with him. He was calling my son a ‘low life’. I went to the police fearing for Chris’ life and our own. The police told me to get Chris out of our town but Chris didn’t want to go. The police advised me to leave here as these people would carry out their threats and until someone was brave enough to make a statement that was my only option. I couldn’t leave my home, I stayed - Chris continued to take his drugs and me and my partner were almost at the point of breaking up. was so distressed and frightened that these people would kill my son. My partner and I continually argued, he wanted Chris to leave because he was frightened these thugs would come to our door. Chris’ drug life had really affected our lives. I didn’t know people like this existed and I didn’t realize how powerless I was. The police couldn’t help although they knew exactly what was going on. I came to an all time low several weeks later when a neighbour said Chris had been accused of robbing a house and people were coming to my house with baseball bats to get him. I was terrified. Everybody hated Chris for what he was doing to our lives and I was terrified they were going to kill him. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t challenge these people, and I didn’t want them to hurt my lad. I couldn’t take anymore and the only way to get rid of the pain was to end my life. In desperation I took and overdose of tablets but a friend informed my partner of how low I was and I was taken to hospital. The following day I was still desperate, I had to go and see a psychiatrist and he said I wasn’t insane I was just in an awful situation but there was nothing they could do to help me. I was ashamed because I work for the local hospital and if people knew what I had done, I would not be respected in my job. From the age of fifteen Chris was a very challenging teenager and being our first child we made lots of mistakes. If Chris stole anything, I would deprive him of something he had. For example he was involved with stealing a car stereo and it was Christmas time. We bought him a stereo for Christmas and I took it back to the shop to teach him a lesson. He was continually getting into mischief and we were losing control and my marriage was in difficulty. I threw Chris out at fifteen hoping he would go away for a few days and come back and behave himself. He didn’t and when he did want to come back his father wouldn’t let him.. I put Chris into care to try and help us get his and our families lives back, but it made things worse. The point I am trying to make is, I was always the person who had to tell Chris to go whether it be Chris’s fault or ours. Which brings me to a time when I had met a new partner and we had saved to go on holiday. Chris was living with us but up to his tricks - lying, things going missing and living in his room taking drugs oblivious to my relationship breaking down. My partner was worried that when we went away, Chris’s ‘druggie’ friends would be in the house and lots of things would go missing. I told Chris he couldn’t stay in the house whilst we were away and I told him to stay with his ‘druggie’ friends but he said he couldn’t. In desperation Chris and I went to the local hospital and asked them to admit him because he needed help. They couldn’t. They didn’t have the facilities to care for drug users. We drove home in silence. I didn’t know what to do! I was heart broken. I wanted Chris to stay in the house but my partner was adamant that our home would be wrecked. As I was getting out of the car, Chris grabbed my handbag and took some of my holiday money. We were struggling in the street and then he ran off. My daughter saw what had happened and ran after him. She retrieved some of the money. I went away on holiday feeling awful. My partner was even angrier with Chris and I was angry and worried about him. I rang home every night to find out if my daughter had seen him. She told me he had got into the house and she and her brother had found him behind the toilet door with a strap around his arm and unconscious. She called the ambulance but Chris refused to go. My holiday was ruined! I didn’t know whether I wanted to go home because I didn’t know what I was going to do for Chris. He would be homeless again but he had upset my partner. It was terrible continually being torn and not knowing what to do! Chris wasn’t living with me and I went to my daughters’ house. There was a knock on the door and I didn’t recognise the person who was standing in front of me. His face was all distorted, unrecognisable and he was thin and scruffy. It was my son. He had an infection in his mouth, his eyes were swollen and he looked so ill. I took him to hospital and we explained he was a drug user. The staff were very unsympathetic and I complained. My son who needed help but I felt I was to blame. The doctors couldn’t find a vein anywhere to take blood and were unable to give him antibiotics. I brought him home whether my partner liked it or not. On the way home he was in a terrible state. He was ‘cold turkeying’. He was trembling, sweating and in pain. He asked if I would give him money to get a fix because he couldn’t stand the pain. He made a phone call and I took him to meet a bloke. I paid for his fix. I wanted to kill the person in the car who supplied it. I felt terrible! Paying for the drug that was killing him and then allowing him to take it into my home. It was an awful dilemma! When a person is taking drugs, the atmosphere in the house changes. You become a drug family. Chris couldn’t be trusted. My wedding ring, engagement ring and stereo all went missing. My partner’s tools were going missing and we were continually arguing because he would find used syringes and show them to me asking what I was going to do about it! My neighbours’ stereo went out of their car. What would I do? He is my son. Chris was living in his own flat with his drug friends. I got a phone call from him saying the local thugs had beaten up him and his friends, and that I needed to pick him up straight away. He had been beaten up with a baseball bat with nails in it! They had put huge holes in his hands and legs. Chris came home. I could dress the wounds but I would have to let him go back to the flat to live. I didn’t know what to do! If I let him stay he would continue to take the drugs and we would have a life of hell again. Whereas if I let him go, I would still have a life of hell worrying about him! There is no peace of mind. I just couldn’t find the answer. Last Christmas I went into hospital because I had suspected cancer of the uterus. I had three operations done at the one time. I coped with the stress of thinking I had cancer and I coped with the pain after surgery but I couldn’t cope with the pain when Chris came to visit me. I knew he would be rough and I told the staff because I didn’t want them to judge him. He bought me a lovely plant and we talked. He was low. Once again I didn’t know what to do but he promised he would come and stay at Christmas. When he left I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t help him. I didn’t know what to do. I was mentally tortured. Chris didn’t make Christmas dinner. I got a phone call on Christmas Eve telling me he had been arrested and was in prison. Another Christmas was ruined. At least I could try and get better, knowing that he was safe and no one would hurt him. We wrote to each other and Chris made promises. No one believed any of his promises but I did. I went to his flat on my own and cleaned and bought things to make it look homely. It was physically draining because I was recovering from major surgery but it was psychologically and emotionally hellish. Was I preparing this flat for him to be beaten up again and if something happened to him, I would be to blame? How could I live with myself? Chris came home and within an hour drug friends were calling. He went out for hours. We were supposed to be having a family get together but he was very late. Evidently obtaining drugs. I was suspicious before he came out but this confirmed he had made plans for his release and it didn’t include not taking drugs. I felt used and abused. Over the months he deteriorated and people were after him. I told the police where he would be and he was arrested. At least l knew he would be safe but l was very angry! I had tried my best. I did a lot of thinking and decided that if I had him living here he would continue to take drugs and might die but if I left him in his flat he would still take drugs and would possibly end up dead. Whatever route he was going to die. I couldn’t do anything to prevent it and what was I going to do if he did die? I decided that if he died I would never be able to forgive myself therefore if he went then I would follow, because I could not stand the guilt or the pain of losing him. I would have failed as a Mother. I can do everything for everybody else but nothing for My son! Feeling like this, the prison chaplain rang and informed me Chris was suicidal. I told the chaplain that I didn’t want to speak to him and whatever he decided to do his future was in his own hands. Chris and I are very alike in nature and we soon started writing and building bridges. I’d been in touch with the P A D A organization who were offering me help and support. They gave me people to contact and I made inquiries of how to get Chris help. This ‘merry go round’ of drug taking could not continue! Going into prison and coming out to start it all again. Thankfully Chris initiated things in prison and obtained a place at the T.H.O.M.A.S organization. And now you can all see that my Chris is a lovely, thoughtful, caring and loving person. I am so grateful and happy that my lovely son can show how lovely he is and shine. Finally I hope you can see how drugs affect all those who love you. It is awful to watch someone you love destroy them selves and be physically and emotionally hurt by people who don’t understand the life of crime that the demon drug makes you take. I would like to say that going through all this with Chris has affected me. It has affected my performance in work. I’ve been off twice with stress and depression. Like all of you, my feelings and head are mixed up. Also like you I am trying to find a way to move on and be strong for Chris and myself. I feel that whatever happens in Chris’ life will affect the quality of my life. I have three ducklings and all of them have struggled to swim, Chris is still learning and I want to help my duckling to swim that would make me very happy and give me peace of mind. |
