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| A
Grateful Mother |
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| My son has found his
life I want to start at the present time. Daniel, my son, has been with the THOMAS project for 5 weeks now and I feel so proud of him already. In a few short weeks I can already see my son coming back and it’s been a long, painful and very stressful road to get here. I know nothing is for sure, but I can’t think or imagine going back to the ‘other’ Daniel and I don’t think I could go through all that again. I really feel my Mum’s prayers and mine have been answered. Daniel’s path to THOMAS is similar to many I have heard before. His Dad and I separated when he was just 11 years old. Cannabis at 13 years old, run-ins with the police, not going to school and finally getting excluded. It all seems such a long time ago and I did try to discipline him and had help from my family also, but he always did as he wanted anyway. His Dad went back to Italy so over such a long distance they weren’t very close. When he was 16 he met a lovely girl and they were together for 6 years, although a lot of this time Daniel was working overseas or away - mostly Holland! But, they seemed to get on well together and she was a very mature, thoughtful girl. Of course, it all ended because Daniel owed money for drugs, left the country and his ‘friends’ went to her house to find him - her mum is a policewoman. So that really finished it and Daniel was devastated. He went to spend some time with his Dad in Italy and I think they became quite close. Back working in Holland and earning good money, Daniel seemed okay, he met another girl, but she wasn’t like the first one, I think she used him and eventually he told me she was on heroin but wanted to get clean. I was frightened for Daniel at this point but he said he would never use hard drugs - he’s seen too much of the damage they could cause. I know he tried to help this girl, but in the end he just spent his money and my money too, I think. Then Daniel started using heroin - he said he thought he could handle it - just wanted to try it. Before he knew it he was addicted. He couldn’t keep a job, had no money and started asking me to send money to Holland, at the time I didn’t know why, just lots of lies and excuses why he needed the money. He also used to phone my mum for money too. Over the years Daniel had been home for periods of time, a few weeks and a few months - not working. My partner had moved into my house and they didn’t see eye to eye - never will I don’t think, although I live in hope. The last time Daniel came home was around 28th December 2001. We picked him up at Liverpool Airport. As he walked towards me he was banging into people and seemed in a world of his own but very chatty, but I still didn’t give drugs a thought. He went straight to a friend’s house and came back home really late. Over the next couple of weeks he was up nearly all night and in bed most of the day. We were back at work so needed to sleep at night. On the final night I went downstairs to confront him about the noise and the cooking and he was really bad tempered, my partner intervened and I ended up having to come between them - I can’t even remember now how bad it was, I just knew I’d had enough. I told him he had to leave and threw him out, something I said I would never do. The next day he moved into my Mum’s. She didn’t live very far away and had asked Daniel to go there initially but he said no. I was off work at this time because I was too upset to go in. I tried to talk to Daniel at Mum’s and asked if something was wrong to tell me and I would do all I could to help him, but he said nothing and wouldn’t even speak to me. At this point I thought he was having a nervous breakdown but of course it was the drugs. My family wasn’t too happy about Daniel moving in to Mum’s because her health wasn’t too good and she was in her 70’s. Daniel and Mum seemed to get on really well, they always had done, he spent a lot of time with her in his early years. She was the only one he would talk to. By chance in about June of 2002, my brother discovered Daniel was on methadone. Of course he went mad because he was living with Mum and told the rest of the family - I still didn’t know. A little while later mum told me one evening - I always called for a cuppa after work - that Daniel was ill. She told me all about him asking her for help with his drug addiction, her taking him to the Doctor and getting a methadone prescription and applying to the CDT. He made her promise she wouldn’t tell me - why I don’t know - and she didn’t until she had to. So everyone knew, I said I would help him, my sister talked to him and said she would support him, I didn’t tell my partner or Daniel’s dad. He had been working but still never had any money and the jobs didn’t last because the more money he had, the more heroin he would take. Daniel got a job in Holland -I paid his airfare - I think I just wanted him to go away, although I knew he shouldn’t be going back there and mum really didn’t want him to go - he didn’t even turn up to the job and after a few weeks and lots of money. Later I told him to get on a plane and come home - he did and went back to mum’s. Daniel had been with the CDT in Bolton before he went away, but because he had left and not told them they had closed his file. This was in November 2002. We went to my GP but he wouldn’t or couldn’t help - not practice policy. I went down to the CDT with Daniel but they said he would have to wait about 3 months before he saw a Doctor at CDT. I asked what he was supposed to do until then and the answer was either keep him in heroin and let him go out and rob and get arrested, well we had come this far and I just wanted him to get better and have a life so I agreed to pay for the heroin - only £20 a day for a few weeks until he got a methadone prescription. But as we know the £20 went up to 30, 40 and more a day plus what he was having from mum. Things went from bad to worse - Daniel kept coming round to the house in a terrible state, asking for money. He was violent and I was terrified of him, this happened quite a lot until one evening he came begging for money. I was eating and had a knife and fork in my hand when I answered to door. I was so angry I stabbed out at him, not hurting him but I had lost control and it could have been worse, he could have been pressing charges against me! Eventually I called the police, they went round to arrest him but he wasn’t to be found. The police came back and asked me if I wanted to press charges and said he may get help with his drug problem if I did. They said he would be better going to the police station voluntary, which he did –I took him. By this time he had calmed down a little and the police said they really didn’t want to press charges just so he could get help with his drugs, so I ended up dropping the charges. Eventually he got a job about 25 miles away and needed a car - mum gave him the money, helping in her way but this really caused problems with the family - they went mad because he was driving and taking drugs and no insurance. Mum was upset because it caused rows - my family never falls out - and I was angry at the way it was done, but it really caused lots of problems. Again, this didn’t last; the car broke down and was just left. This was around March 2003. Mum had started being ill suddenly and we had a few trips to the Doctors before he eventually sent her to a Consultant at the hospital. That was on Monday 10th February, they kept her in and she never came home again and went to God on 4th April. We had tried to bring mum home for her last days. The family wanted Daniel out of the house and even told the hospital he was a drug addict. In the end it didn’t matter because mum was too poorly to come home. I remember Daniel had to leave the funeral early - had to go home for a ‘dig’. By this time Daniel had just got his appointment with CDT and his methadone prescription back - I thought this would mean no more heroin and the way to recovery - how wrong was I. I had told my partner about Daniel’s addiction by this time and he wasn’t surprised and quite supportive - at least I felt better it was out it the open. Daniel didn’t seem to be getting anywhere, not working, not going out or mixing with people, living at mums for free, getting fed for free. All his friends had gone; the only people he spoke to were his suppliers. Every time I saw him - which was every day, he wanted money and more money for his habit. He’s sometimes said ‘give me £100 and I’ll finish it’ - I can tell you I was tempted! Daniel had lost his prescription again because he had missed appointments at CDT -said he didn’t like his drug worker. Yet more money for heroin - where was it coming from all this money - I wasn’t sleeping, I was anxious all the time. I went to see my GP, he offered me a sick note and some mild sleeping pills but I didn’t take either. I made phone calls to help lines but they just passed me on to local places. We had already been to the ADS in Bolton, but Daniel walked out - he wasn’t for listening. I realised I now needed to look after myself - I needed support, I wanted my life back. Daniel didn’t want my help - only funding. After speaking to help groups round the country, I finally got in touch with Harbour in Bolton, a family support group for families of drug users - much like Families Anon. but smaller. I went along to my first meeting in about August and they have been a brilliant support and help for me. Everyone knows exactly how you feel and what you are going through; it has helped me no end. Thank goodness there are people out there who give their time for people like me and I hope I’ve given support and comfort to others through Harbour. By this time I really felt drained, depressed and a bit numb at times. I missed mum, but didn’t have the time to grieve her death because I was too worried about Daniel, I had lost my best friend and had no one to talk to. In desperation I thought about going to see my parish priest who was due to leave my parish and had been wonderful when both mum and dad died and also with my own faith. He told me about THOMAS. He gave me the brochure and I passed it on to Daniel hoping he would use it. Before I knew it he had spoken to Paul at St Anne’s House and had an appointment to go and see them. I could not believe the change in his attitude, he said he knew this was the right way for him people there understood him. We had a good meeting with Paul and then a few weeks later with Pam - who told Daniel to cut his habit down. When the phone call came for his day to go to St. Anne’s I still didn’t believe it would happen - I think I was as anxious as Daniel. But from that day 29th September (2 days after mum’s birthday) he has made good progress. I really do appreciate the work of all the people on the THOMAS project and hope I can give something back in return, for now it’s my prayers. I know there will be things I haven’t said or forgotten to say like the night Daniel cried in my arms and my heart was breaking for him, like how much my mum wanted him to be well again, like the arguments with my family and the strain it has put on them, like seeing Daniel handing money over to low lives for drugs and how I’ve felt that only Daniel mattered at times and put other people aside. It has been really difficult to do this. I keep having to stop and start again because every paragraph is so upsetting. Back to the present - Daniel has now told his Dad and his Dad’s wife who I think will be there for him and I am so pleased. Initially I could not get used to speaking to Daniel on the phone and him not actually asking me for something only asking how I am. I hope and pray every day he will keep well and have a contented, fulfilling life, that this experience has made him a stronger person. I hope he has a child to love as much as I love him one day. And most of all I hope we don’t go back to hell again. |
