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University & Drugs
Kerry is a bright young woman she is now part of the T.H.O.M.A.S. Drama Work Shop. She Speaks to Edges. |
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| My name is
Kerry and I am 27 years old. 12 months ago I went into my third treatment
centre to try to stop using heroin, an addiction I’ve been battling with
for 10 years. I started using heroin at the age of 17 a natural progression
from all the other drugs I had been using. I was homeless, working as a
prostitute on the streets of the red light area of Leeds. At the times that I
wasn’t sleeping in hostels I was sleeping in the toilets of the Accident
& Emergency unit at the hospital or the subways. My physical condition was
terrible, I was in and out of hospital with abscesses and at one time I was
frightened of losing my leg. But not too frightened because that night in the
hospital I was back injecting straight into my groin. I had to make the choice
whether I wanted to live or die. Every time I injected I prayed to a God that I
would not wake up, but after a time, no matter what sort of cocktail of drugs I
had taken I always woke up. I realised that obviously I was not destined to
die. I have tried many, many times to stop using, but I always found myself back into the same state of despair really. It needed something to change. So when I came out of hospital I was put into a hostel and my drug worker knew that I was going to die if I carried on working the street abusing myself the way I was. So he fought to get me into a treatment centre, which was a problem because I had already been funded for treatment, which hadn’t worked or I hadn’t worked them. So I owe him a lot don’t I? Anyway I went into this treatment centre, I had had enough and I literally walked into that treatment centre on my hands and knees. I had crack-induced psychosis which was really, really terrifying hallucinating that millions of insects were crawling under my skin. I remember going on the train to the centre and I was trying to gouge out these insects from my body with a needle. It was a terrifying experience; I threw my crack pipe away accepting that this was the last use I was going to have. It was a 12 steps programme that I went into, for me it’s not just stopping using heroin or having a detox, I need to stay away from any chemical because I am such a destructive person, and when I hit that self-destruct button, I will lose all control completely. I just do not want to go back to where my using took me. It took me to some extremely dark places. I did things for those drugs that went completely against all my values and morals. I left treatment about nine months ago and moved to a new area. I moved to this area specifically because I knew people that were clean, who I had met through N.A. So I came here and I am still fighting my addiction. It’s not something that I’ll ever be cured of, I don’t use on a daily basis and I just found an immense spirit within me. I really feel that I am not the person that I used to be. When I was using I accepted that I was going to die a junkie. I’d stand on the corner of some street and accepted that was going to be the path I would take. I did a lot of work on myself in re-hab. At one point I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror, I didn’t want to see what was behind my eyes. I was terrified that I might see some sort of monster, but to-day I can actually look at myself in the mirror and smile – yea you’re all right kid, I actually quite like you. One great thing that has come out of my using is – I see it as a journey, a journey that I had to go through. I feel that I can use my experience to help others. I see it as a power of example. But at the moment there are things that stand in my way-my criminal record, the fact that I’ve been to prison. The work that I really wanted to do was to go into prison and mentor the people who are due for release that really want a new way of life, but unfortunately I can’t get clearance to go into the prisons. I was really upset when I found out because I thought they’re not looking at me on face value they’re not looking at my aspirations for the future, the passion I have for helping people. They’re looking at this girl who has x amounts of convictions for this, that and the other; she’s an ex-drug addict, she’s only a year clean, but there’s more to me than that label. I’m not just Kerry the ex-heroin crack user who was a thief and a prostitute. So I am upset that there is that stigma that although I have let go of my past, my past just won’t seem to let go of me. But I am going to keep fighting that. I really do have belief, I have belief in myself. This may sound big-headed but I want other people to see that there is potential in me. I’m not destined to go back to using. I believe that I can overcome anything, I don’t have to pick up, that’s not an option for me to-day, I don’t drink and I don’t use drugs. I try to have a positive outlook on life. I first went into re-hab. when I was 21 years old and I managed to stay clean for a while. During that time I went to university and enrolled on a social work degree. Unfortunately I started a relationship with a lad who had just come out of prison who was using again and, me in all my wisdom trying to keep him clean and showing him that there’s a life without drugs and that I loved him and that sort of stuff. I ended up having a break-down at university and I was put on all sorts –temazapan, diazepam and that and I ended up relapsing. That was me for the next three years. I had absolutely psychotic emotions, I was drinking heavily I couldn’t go a day without having a couple of bottles of wine in my flat. I was in a hysterical mess and I was on this mission to save this person who didn’t want to be saved. I had immense paranoia and was incredibly frightened but never believed that I’d use heroin again. I could just feel myself slipping, slipping again and I was losing control, wondering what I was going to do next. I got incredibly violent and depressed went to see the university doctor, I tried committing suicide, but that didn’t work. It was horrible because I felt that the only answer was to use, that was the only thing that would numb my emotions, let me escape out of my own head. My life to-day is nowhere near what it was twelve months ago. I look at it like a transition period, I feel and this sounds mad, but I feel like I’ve been reborn. It’s like I have to learn again, nurture myself, look after myself. I feel like I’ve awoken from a ten-year long coma. I am really, really excited about what the future holds. I have a hell of a lot of passion for life today - and passion for others who want to stay clean. I feel that, because of my experience working as a prostitute for my habit, that a lot of women for many, many reasons do so and it’s an horrendous label to have. I have sexual offences on my record, and people seeing that think- paedophile or something like that. But I feel I was doing a legitimate job, I was providing a service. I was treated horrendously, eggs being thrown in my face. I worked near the corner of a church and Christians used to call me a junkie whore, but I wasn’t harming anyone, but they said I belonged in the gutter not the street. I feel that all my experience was valid and instead of it being a stigma and hindrance I wish someone would see it as something that makes the person I am to-day as someone stronger with eyes that have seen degradation and squalor of the world that other people have to live in. |
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