Anthony speaks to Edges I’m an addict. I am currently part of the T.H.O.M.A.S. Project. I lead some sessions with the addicts on the programme. I am going to tell you my story. I sit here over six years totally clean from any mind-altering chemicals. That came about through a treatment centre quite a few years ago. To-day I work the 12 Steps programme in my life and I am still as passionate about staying clean as I was when I first started. I used all sorts of drugs and I used them to the extent that I would hurt people, my self, I would go to any lengths, I would trample on anybody to get my drugs. I could stop, I could do withdrawals but I couldn’t stay ‘stopped’. I was hopeless as a person, so sad inside, I had no focus to my life. I went into a treatment centre where the Twelve Steps programme was on offer. The First Step of the programme is to admit that I am powerless over my addiction and I believe that I am, because there was no way that I could stop and stay ‘stopped’. I was living on the streets, my family had disowned me, so I could say that yes I was powerless. The Second Step is coming to believe that a Greater Power could restore me to some sort of sanity. The insanity is that I thought I could use different drugs and control it, do this, do that, take one drug to compensate for another. I gained the power through my peer group of people who were clean, people who wanted what I want, which is still today to stay clean a day at a time. It is the most important thing in my life, because without that I don’t have a life. First Step to make a decision to turn my life over to the care of God as I understand it to be, God being an appropriate word. Some people find it quite fearful, myself at one time, I didn’t have an opinion on it. I heard people say God means ‘group of druggies, good orderly direction’. I used my peers, they were the power I needed, I put my care into their hands. I need guidance, I’ve never sought it before, because the things that I want to do are not always the right way. Before I was stubborn, I always thought that I was right. The Fourth Step is about moral searching of my life. I did that, I did a moral stock-taking of myself, I looked at the good things and the bad things and I made lists. I found out about the real me. I took responsibility for everything I did before when I was using and since. The Fifth Step is about sharing that. I spoke to another human being because I needed that insight from another person into what I was doing. Now I see reality – how I justified my using, how I justified hating people, I looked at all my behaviours, my fears and resentments. I looked at them all individually and I wrote them all down. I discovered that I was a very jealous, insecure, frightened person, I realised that I needed to change, I needed to get some love into my life, some faith into my life. I looked at the good things in my life which was difficult because I couldn’t see any good things. I was worthless at that time. But there are good things about me. I am a very caring person and that comes out in what I do. Today I am selfless, I care about others, but I was selfish during my using. Today it is not like that. Basically the Sixth Step is asking God’s help to remove my wrongs. Seventh Step is being ready to have them removed and humbly asking God to remove those wrongs. I am still making the decision to put myself into that care. Eighth and Ninth Steps are about making amends. I make a list of all those people I have hurt and become willing to make amends. I do this and it’s about me clearing the way, clearing the dirt up and the hurt. I become willing over a period of time and when the opportunity comes to make amends and I’ve done that and I’ve cleared a lot of baggage. I’ve made amends to my family; I bring them a lot of joy because I’m clean and I brought them sadness during my using. I’m making amends to all those that I hurt, family, friends, those that I worked with because I need to be free from obsession. The Twelve Steps programme is about freedom and recovery. The Tenth Step is to take personal mentoring, keeping on top of myself, not to pick up other things. Seeking through prayer and meditation this contact with God as I understand it. I pray, my mind is clearer now, the world is not out to get me. I’m here, I’m Antony, I’m doing what I need to do and I’m enjoying my life. I believe that with God’s guidance and I feel the warmth, I know that I am not on my own. Twelfth Step is about spiritual awakening and we carry this message to addicts. I do that today, I try my best to carry this message of recovery to addicts to help them to achieve something, to stay off drugs for one d ay. I didn’t believe that it was possible. It’s an unbelievable thing, like a miracle. Today I work, I have a relationship with my family, they welcomed me back, I’m there to help them and to support them as best I can. It’s not all about me, I always try my best, attending Twelve Steps meeting on a self-help basis. I’m still an addict, but I stay clean, I work at it. I travel the world, I’ve been to the USA to New Zealand and to Europe. I try my best with the message of the programme – believe what you see. I stay clean but I put the effort into it. I have an amazing life. |
