Peter speaks to Edges. At present Peter is in our Rehabilitation Unit. I am 23 years old and I have been in prison 3 times. From a young age I’ve experimented with narcotics and in 2000 a received a prison sentence of 3 years for street robbery. The reason for the street robbery was – I needed money to get drugs. After the robbery I actually cleaned up for a while because I felt very bad about it, quite remorseful. It was out of character for me. Before the drugs I would have put myself down as a bit of a trouble-causer at school, but nothing more than that. Then it was the heroin – you will go to any lengths to get it. I committed the street robbery because as I justified it to myself – I’d been into Poulton just outside of Blackpool and I’d seen a guy who owed me some money from a couple of years ago when I’d been selling drugs. He said he had no money and I was rattling and I had nothing; I followed him to his house and I attacked him. I took everything of value from him and left him in the street. I was charged with that but I didn’t take it to trial. In a way I was actually quite appreciative of the fact that I was going to prison and I was getting out of that circle. So when I was in court I just stood and pleaded guilty. I became addicted to drugs, well my active addiction started when I was around 13, I’d drink on the back of the school field and it progressed from there, like it does, it’s a progressive illness. I did cannabis and amphetamines, by the age of 16 I was injecting amphetamines. At 17 I was introduced to heroin I didn’t really understand when I first took heroin what I was actually taking. At the stage that I was at, I was living in a flat with my girlfriend, away from my parents, and drugs were my life. That’s all I was interested in, going out at weekends, taking ecstasy and it just progressed. It didn’t take long after I started on the heroin before I hit rock-bottom. My rock-bottom was – stealing from my family in Fleetwood, from friends and burning every bridge that I had. I was reduced to shop-lifting; I was known in all the towns on the Fylde coast for shop-lifting. I had stuck so many needles in my arms, that when I woke up in the mornings I couldn’t feel them. I went without a haircut for months at a time. My girlfriend stuck by me, she was quite amazing. My girlfriend liked a drink and she did use recreational drugs, but she seemed to be able to use them quite normally. But me, being a typical addict I always had to take it the furthest it could be taken. When I was at school I had quite a lot of difficulties getting on with work. From being young I was ‘Special Needs’ and I had quite a few problems with behaviour, which I put down to frustration. I remember my mum taking me into school every time my report card came along and saying there was something wrong with me, but they did the tests and said there was nothing wrong I was normal. I got to high school, I truanted a lot, I was expelled a few times, I was let back into school. Teachers said basically that I would get a mark if I turned up for registration, but they didn’t care what I did after that. So I used to go in to register, then go to a friend’s, smoke cannabis and play games. I actually took 3 of my G.C.S.E. and I had to put a deposit down for that because they thought that with my record I wouldn’t turn up. I did and I got a couple of C’s and an E. I had always worked during summer holidays and at 13 I started working in kitchens. My older brother was a chef so he trained me and when I was 16 I got into college in Blackpool. I got NVQ level 2 and it was actually when I was half way through level 3 that I got heavily into drugs and all that went out the window. Looking back, my real friends who I grew up with are still there today. I would use drugs with them but they stopped. They just seemed to be able to stop and carry on with a life and a career. Personally I didn’t, I just seemed to be chasing the rave scene, the clubs - there are a lot of clubs around Blackpool – and I couldn’t stop. They got sensible and got a life, I just seemed to carry on and there’s a great difference. They kept me at arm’s length, they had to because of my reckless behaviour. I didn’t to be honest really class anyone as a special friend during my active addiction; I had associates who I didn’t really care about for a simple reason and to be honest, because they didn’t care about me either. Looking back, active addiction friends and associates, are just addicts the same as I am, they’ve lost their way, the same as I have. When you lose your way in life, the way I did, when you’re in it, you don’t realise that you’re doing it. There’s a lot of denial, people can tell you what you’re like and what they see, but in your own mind you are doing the right thing; the people who were going to college and living life (what I now know is life) were to me getting it wrong, in my eyes I was doing it right. It’s a lonely place and denial can turn your perspectives around. I used to think the world owed me something and I used to resent what they had because, deep down I knew they had something that I wanted. At the time I felt so far away from it. Since coming into T.H.O.M.A.S. I’ve discovered that taking drugs doesn’t have to be an option. With being an addict I know that I cannot take drugs successfully. Today I accept that I am powerless over using any narcotics or drink. Coming here has taken me out of that circle that I was in and given me a chance and a new way to go. I can go to NA and see people who have had experiences and difficulties just the same as mine and felt the way I have, but they’ve picked themselves up and they’re living life, they’re doing the things that matter. Since coming to T.H.O.M.A.S. I’ve been able to step back and have a real look, because when you’re on drugs you see things all mixed up. It’s given me a future of my own and made me realise it’s a big world out there and I’ve only one life, and it’s my right to live that life and to be happy, not to go on hurting people and everyone around me. I have great hopes for the future. I plan to go to college; I didn’t do well at school, but while in prison I caught up with my education - English and Maths and the basic skills needed to go to college – to make something of myself, to be part of the solution rather than the problem. Hopefully, because of being at T.H.O.M.A.S. and looking back I think I have the strength to go back and ask forgiveness from my loved ones, my family and friends who have pledged support. I hope this is the last time I have to ask forgiveness, because each time I’ve asked it gets harder and harde |
