It all started when I was eleven years old, with cannabis and acid. I was kicked out of school and started drinking. I started working on building sites with my dad and when I was fifteen I started breaking into people’s homes and factories just for the beer. I got four years for robbery and I went to Lancaster Farms. I collapsed in reception when I got there and ended up in Lancaster Infirmary. They found stomach ulcers and told me I would never see my seventeenth birthday. If it hadn’t been for those four years I would have drunk myself to death. I got out when I was eighteen and went into a private clinic. I thought nothing would happen to me and I started drinking again. It’s always been part of my family’s life the drink. I went into prison again and came out when I was twenty one. When I was in there I got some building skills, plastering and brick-laying. I started work on a building site. But on there they were all into crack and drugs. I didn’t know much about them then and I started taking it at dinner time. I thought I would be alright. After two weeks I started sweating and feeling rough and I wondered what was wrong with me. Someone said that I had got a ‘habit’. I was that mad at the people I worked with I just walked away from them. This was a mistake because it stopped my wages coming. Before I knew it I was straight back into crime and I was taking crack and heroin. I lost my daughter and I lost my partner, none of my family respected me. Coming here I am slowly getting that back.My parents have cancer All they have ever said to me is that they want me back as a person. It was always me being there for them but when I started on crack and heroin they were disgusted with me. Now I realize that I am a new person, I thought I was always going to be a criminal and I’m enjoying it and getting on with life I’ve been here for ten days and now I look forward to getting up in the morning. I’ve spent the last fifteen years in and out of prison and I’ve never felt like that before.We weren’t allowed to talk about things, to share about problems. As soon as I came here, someone put their arms around me and hugged me. That’s something that’s never happened to me before. I got talking to the lads; they were talking to me as if they knew me. I was in shock to be honest. After ten days it was like a family. They just wanted to know about me and my past and about building for the future. It’s like a dream, I want to make a better life for myself. Just sitting at the table and eating meals. I’ve never been part of that before, everyone is just friendly, showing me the way to take, smiling and welcoming. Until the day I came here I was a very stressful person, it was a nightmare. I’m different, I have a smile on my face, I am a human being. It’s wonderful, I have a future, there is hope. I used to have nightmares but they are fading now. I had a bad experience before I came here, one of my cellmates had a stomach ulcer that burst, he was spewing up blood and the staff thought he was doing a rattle. He died in front of me and that’s why I have the nightmares. Coming here I feel safe, it takes a lot of pressure from me and helps me to cope, with issues around my daughter and loved ones. I couldn’t go into a shop to buy a packet of cigarettes without being smashed out of my mind because I was institutionalised. This may sound silly but yesterday we went shopping and I was a bag of nerves. The lads talked me through it, but I’d never done that before. Going home at night and using the cooker and the washing, sitting talking to people I’ve never met before in my life, knowing they care. Before I’ve just wanted to die, now I want to live. I want to say a big thank you to the lady judge who should have gone on holiday but was determined to give me a chance. She had faith in me. I am so happy she gave me the chance. |
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