I’m not sure who I am.

That may sound strange, and it certainly looks it. But it doesn’t feel so strange.

Hmm… it might be better if I explained a bit more. It’s hard to describe what I’m feeling, but Ill try… because I want to remember what it’s like.

Last night, I discovered that I have lived before. And it explains so much. The way that I sometimes look into the mirror and feel like someone else should be looking back at me. The way sometimes that when I think about things, I get visions of places long ago in the past.

And it seems the past will come back to haunt me. Well, one part of it has.

Lanfear. Or Selene. Whatever she wants to be called. It seems that we were… well, close. Well, I say we… but I’m not sure how much of me there was then. It looks like she wants me back. Maybe. I’m not so sure. The way she looks at me is like…like… well, it’s sort of predatory. I think she wants to use me. Creator knows, she tempted me enough last night…

Urgh. That brings me to the thing I’m trying not to remember, and that’s how distant Seonaid is of me. I thought she was dealing well with me being a Channeler (and who could blame her if she didn’t?) but… well, I think I let her down.

I…I… picked up Callandor. Okay, not the real one, but a dream reflection of it. I… just couldn’t help myself. Just think of all the good it could do, and I’m sure I could use it well…

No. I won’t think of it. I promised Seonaid. She had to force me to drop it twice. I wanted to, but I was in the void. It was awful. I could see her staring at me, pleading at me to drop the thing and, and… I FELT NOTHING!

I don’t want to let Seonaid down, but I honestly couldn’t help myself. Look, Seonaid, if you ever read this (Although I hope not!) I…I’m sorry. That’s all I want to say.

However, despite all of this, we did get Cruinn back. And that’s the important thing. We even managed to free her… oh, I nearly forgot! I linked with Seonaid!!

I’ve always wanted to do that. I… I’ve dreamt of linking with a woman ever since I found out I could channel. It’s so much of a symbol of the age of legends, when everything was right. I don’t think Seonaid was impressed, though. I think she could sense the taint on Saidin, and she didn’t like it at all.

Not that I do. It’s drinking from a muddy pond to get at the water. But I can endure it. I have to, if I ever want to bring back the Age of Legends.

Which reminds me. Lanfear tried to tempt me with that. And I guess if I worked with her, then I could… but I won’t. Ever. I won’t ally with any of the Dark One’s minions, whatever they say. I won’t. And who does she think I am? I’m not trying to replace the Creator!

All in all, I’m glad I made the choice to become a Warder. It saved me. If Seonaid hadn’t been there, I might have… I don’t want to think about it. But I swore an oath to myself, that I’d try never to hurt Seonaid. I know I haven’t done very well so far, but from now on I’ll tell her everything. But I love her too much to see her hurt anymore. I’ll not swear the oath out load, or to anyone or thing, except myself.

And as far as I’m concerned, that’s the most important thing you can made a oath with.

Yourself.