Oh well, Mother, I've fought Trollocs, Myrddraal, Dragkhar and ravens that were probably shadowspawn, and all well away from the Blight where they should be.  I've fought Asmodean, and made an enemy of Lanfear.  I'm travelling with a gleewoman who was sleeping with Asmodean but now he and Lanfear are out to get her – and just what is going on there?  I and my Warder can dreamwalk.  Oh, and best of all, not only have I failed to turn in one male channeller, but Darren can channel as well.  Creator, what I wouldn't give for a drink!

And why haven't I turned in Idrian or Darren?  I've thought a lot about it, and when every grain of sense I possess says I should, still I know I won't.  With Idrian, I tried to put it down to the fact that in all his dealings with us, he was honourable and he fought in defence of my life several times.  But that's not enough.  He wasn't that honourable – he travels with us because it suits his own ends.  He never fought directly in defence of my life, only when his own was threatened, although somehow, having seen his reaction to the way Tarn hit Cruinn, I suspect that he would, which surprises me.  And as for Darren...  Dear sweet Darren.  He'd die for me, and more than that, we've become friends.  I can't help wondering about Arani – who looks so like me.  No, don't think about that.  That's all I need.  A Warder who I am emotionally linked to who can channel, who I should turn in to be gentled, and who in all likelihood fancies me.  Sometimes Darren reminds me of a puppy – the way he follows me around, the way he slept outside my door every night on the ship, no matter that everyone laughed at him.  And yet, there's so much more to him than that.  He wouldn't just die for me – he'd die for what he believes in, and there are precious few around now who'd do that.  I remember the way he leaped in front of Lanfear's weave to save Birgitte, without even knowing what it was.  He was so courageous.  He could have been killed, or worse.  Even though I've only known him a few short weeks, if he had, I would have been devastated.  I really care about him, and more than that, I trusted him - more than I've ever trusted anyone.  And that surprises me.

All my life I've had trouble forming deep attachments.  I make acquaintances so easily, and yet I have so few real friends.  I've spent a lot of time wondering why over the years.  I think it's because I remember the flames; I remember how the only people I knew and trusted turned their backs on me and consigned me to die.  And now it's so hard to open up to people.  I'm afraid to care about them, because if I do, then they'll have a hold over me.  So to find I could care for Darren, and so quickly, still amazes me.

At the end of the day though, when all's said and done, I finally realised that the reason I won't turn either of them is that I know how it feels to be persecuted for something that is not wrong, is not your fault, and that you cannot control.  I am not a witch, and they should not be punished for being born the way they are.  I am not a witch!  And yet, I won't go mad.  I will not destroy those around me, without even realising or caring.  And what will I feel when that happens to Darren?  Will I feel the madness as if it is my own – or will I simply know about it, and be unable to do anything?  Not even to be able to reach out to him.  Not to look at him, and see in his eyes that he is glad I am there.  No, I will not think like that.  If he goes mad.  If, not when.  If.

And yet, even so, it's so hard to trust him anymore, especially since Callandor, and that makes me so frustrated.  He was raised in the White Tower, with all our beliefs, hiding his abilities.  We are taught that to be a male channeller is wrong; havoc will always follow.  He cannot help what he is – but he can choose not to channel.  And if he does not respect that belief, how many more will he disregard?  And yet, I know how hard it is to let go of Saidar, why should I expect it to be any different for him?  Oh Creator, I feel so confused!  And I'm as sad as I'm angry, which just confuses me more.  I wish there was someone I could talk to, but all my friends are Aes Sedai, and I can't exactly talk to them.  I think Noam would be there for me if I needed him, but I hardly know him.  It's just not that easy for me to open up to him, but I appreciate him being there all the same.

Noam, now there's another puzzle.  By all rights I should be terrified of him and his wolves.  I mean, he’s surrounded by them, and treats them like his family!  I’d heard rumours about a Warder who was friends like that with wolves – but I never put any credit to them – I mean, it sounds so bizarre.  And yet, I can hardly doubt the evidence of my own eyes, can I?  Still, I can see why the Red Ajah took Noam to the Tower.  I guess after all the strange things I've seen on this trip, a man who talks to wolves is no stranger than anything else, in fact a good deal less so.  And he is nice – he fought to save Tarn before he even met him (though sometimes I wish he hadn't bothered).  No - that's not fair.  Tarn's not that bad.  Those wolves though – it's amazing the way Noam communicates with them – he knew exactly where Tarn was.  I have to admit, I hope he travels further with us.  He's the kind of person who is reassuring to have around – you know, the kind who, just by being there, make you feel like it's possible to make everything work.  And I don't know where I'd be if hadn't taught me the way around Tel'aran'rhiod.  Probably still lost there.  I owe him a lot.

Tel'aran'rhiod – now that is a scary place.  Just to think of a place, and to find you're back there.  Trayme.  I never wanted to see that place again – and yet I can never put it out my thoughts.  And then to be back there like that.  Just by thinking about it – looking as if I'd never left.  And not be able to leave.  I was so scared; it was horrible.  If it hadn't been for Noam…  I wonder if that was how it was the first time Darren entered.  I must ask him.  A man dreamwalking – if I tell that to the Amyrlin she'll take it as a sign of channelling without me even saying anything and have him gentled.  I can't believe I woke up there with no clothes on – that gave me a shock.  I'm glad I'm happy enough about my body not to be embarrassed that Darren saw me naked – it's not like no man ever has or anything.  Although if he really does like me…  No don't think about it.  I'm perfectly comfortable with how I live my sex life, although I suspect there are others who disapprove.  Ah, the Red Ajah are all lesbians anyway.  And Tarn and Idrian can't smirk either.  At least I nearly had fun at the Tinker's camp.  They just sat by the fire since they knew they'd be turned down.  My man only left when he found out who I was.  There's nothing wrong with pleasure; life's too short to waste it – and don't I know it.  Enjoy each day – you're lucky to have it.  Darren seems to be learning that – I wonder if it's because of me.  He was so naive when we were bonded – he blushed just looking at Cruinn.  I wonder if he's picking up something of my attitude to life.  Or maybe he just hates being that naïve.  He was certainly useless enough on board the ship.  I should have known that would happen when he saw all those topless women. I'm glad he got it sorted.  Sometimes I wanted to laugh so hard, but that certainly wouldn't have helped.  And it's not like he's ugly, not with all those muscles.  I guess he was just a bit dedicated in the tower.  At least now he's out in the real world.

Tarn should learn to make the best of life – he might not want to be Arilyn's warder, but for better or worse, he is, and that's not going to change.  That man infuriates me, he really does.  Him and his 'look at me – aren't I hard off' attitude.  There's plenty who would envy him – if he would only realise it.  I can't believe he slapped Aralyn! How dare he show such disrespect!  He's always stopped just short of insulting me – so I've never been able to react, but oh! He came so close with his insolence.  Still, she slapped him right back – and with the One Power.  Very clever that – he gets a slap for his disobedience, and a subtle reminder that there is a reason she is in charge.  If it weren't for the Aes Sedai the world would be far worse off.  The Children of the Light want to wipe us out as witches – I am not a witch! – and then who would stand against the forces of the Dark One?  You can rule the world – but without us, you wouldn't be able to keep it.  We stop the whole world from becoming like the Blight, and as a result we are called meddlers, and treated with distrust.  Peasants!  We should be given the respect we deserve.  But this is reality.  And that's not going to happen any time soon.  I can't forget the fire.

Darren wants to bring back the Age of Legends.  I saw it in his face – that was the thing that made him take Callandor.  I thought he was more down to earth than that.  The Age of Legends is gone.  You can't bring it back.  It's a nice dream but…  But then, maybe you can.  A few weeks ago, I would have said gateways were impossible – and now I can create them.  I've linked with a male channeller – also impossible.  And I can't believe he has to control the link.  I've trained for years, and Darren, who can barely even control his channelling, has to lead.  I don't know why, but I'm not comfortable with that.  Actually, I do know why.  The Aes Sedai who trained me have me too firmly convinced that a male channeller is a madman.  I'm afraid that if Darren channels, he'll go mad.  And if he has control, I'm afraid he'll go on a power trip and go mad even more quickly.  I know that a tiny part of me believes that if he does any channelling at all he'll go mad – immediately.  It might not be a rational attitude, but there we go, it's one I have to face up to and learn to deal with if I'm not going to turn him in.  Linking with him was strange – not like linking with Arilyn at all.  And the taint – I don't know how men can stand it.  It's so horrible – if you could feel corruption it would feel like that.    I wouldn't have linked with him, but to save Cruinn.  I care about her too.  She's not had much luck lately, and I suspect it's not the first time, or why would a woman with her abilities be travelling the roads.  Ah well, it's not my place to ask.

I wonder what would happen if Darren ever got hold of the real Callandor.  I don't think that's something I want to find out about.  Lanfear called him 'The Lord of the Morning' – can he really be the Dragon Reborn?  That's too scary even to contemplate.  But the way he couldn't even put Callandor down – he's not safe with that much power.  But I don't think I have the willpower to do anything about it.  Does compelling even work on a madman?  I don’t want to have to find out.  But now I know that Darren values his idealistic dream of the Age of Legends even above me, and he seems to value the Aes Sedai, and me in particular, pretty highly. But the way he looked when he held Callandor – he didn't even seem to know me.  It was worse than when I confronted Idrian and he went all blank and distant on me.  He just didn't care.  No one should have that much power.

Lanfear – now there's another problem.  I've made an enemy of one of the most powerful channellers in existence.  She's never going to forgive me for shielding her – and now I know what that feels like – for the first time in years, I was completely helpless – I could've been back in Trayme.  I almost wish I'd killed her when I got the chance, but then Darren might've died, and I couldn't deal with that.  No, I made the right choice.  I think.  Lanfear uses her power so completely for evil.  Would her death have been worth Darren's life?  No, I can't think like that, or I'll become as bad as her.  The end doesn't justify the means.  I don't regret saving Darren.  No matter what the consequences – I'd do it a thousand times over.  I hope I'm still thinking that the next time Lanfear tries to kill me – I don't think she's just going to forget about me.  I get the feeling she's the type to hold a grudge.  No, put it out my mind.  I can't do anything about it, so I won't worry.  But what if she sends a Grey Man after me?  I was lucky to see the last one – next time my luck might run out.  I might be dead.  I hate the eternal feeling of looking over your shoulder.  No – I won't think about it.

I've fought Shadowspawn now  - I know that I can do it.  They're horrible – abominations.  Now I know I was right in my calling.  Before there was always that tiny bit of doubt.  I'd heard how bad they were, and even though I knew the stories and the teachings were all true, I hadn't seen for myself.  But now I know.  This is the true use of the One Power.  The Dark One must be stopped.  And I was worried before – worried that I would fail, and that people would die because of me.  But now I know that I can fight.  Even so, my weaves fail far too often, and when Lanfear shielded me, I was completely helpless.  It's made me wonder.  Are the Aes Sedai perhaps a little too dependant on the One Power?  Without it, we're nothing.  But then, that's why we have Warders, and it's not like we all have to face Lanfear every day.

Something I do have to face up to though, is how I felt when she came on to him as Selene.  I can't believe I was jealous.  I mean, I've been jealous over a man before, but never like this.  I mean before, I always had, if not some sort of attachment to them, then at least an interest.  But I don't feel that way about Darren.  Or do I?  Oh, I don't know what I feel.   Right now, that's just one more thing to work out when I have time to think about it.  I mean, he's tall, strong, cute, has nice muscles, and normally that’s enough for a bit of fun.  But with Darren, I don’t know why, but it would have to be more than that.  With him, I don't think it could be just a one-night stand, or a passing fling.  Creator knows, he's also brave, and honest, he stands up for what he believes in – there's so much to admire about him, and I really respect him.  And yet he's young (I sound like a grandma!) naïve, idealistic, and sometimes he seems to depend on me too much.  I want someone who needs me, but who can make their own way in the world, who won't look to me to make every decision, who can voice their own opinions.  Oh, I wish I could make up my mind!  Right now though, he definitely needs to mature a little.  And yet, even in just the last few weeks he's grown up. He's not so naïve anymore, he's just that little bit more worldwise.  He's still eager, but he's learning to focus that eagerness and put it to good use.  So I guess we'll just have to see.  Creator, why did you have to make men so difficult?!
Idrian's causing enough problems too.  I know I won't betray him to the Tower – my oath holds true.  But what of his oath?  How can you possibly define his 'values'?  I think we could have trouble over it, and I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with it.  I was never meant to have to face this alone.  Idrian doesn't seem responsible enough to use the One Power safely.  The Aes Sedai swear oaths that cannot be broken – but Idrian…  Well, there's nothing I can do about that, either.  Just one more thing to try not to think about and to deal with if it happens.

So where does that leave me?  A little clearer in my mind – but certainly no closer to finishing this cursed report.