Attorney's have been called Sharks, but Reptiles?
A Southern California attorney (full name intentionally withheld to avoid further embarassment) filed a lawsuit against GTE California (now Verizon) for being listed in its GTE Yellow Pages directory under the heading of "Reptiles." The lawsuit seeks damages in excess of $100,000.00 and alleges that the attorney became the target of jokes, rude telephone calls, people making hissing sounds in jest, and suffered other forms of ridicule and embarassment. It appears as though GTE inadvertantly listed the attorney under the heading of "Reptiles" in its December 1999 Yellow Pages due to the fact that the the attorney's telephone number was previously issued to a recently defunct business named the "Reptile Show." Somehow GTE forgot to update its records. Ooops! On a positive note, the attorney was listed below "Prehistoric Pets" and "Radical Reptiles."
Hold the Toes Please. "We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it seems to us that somebody has been very careless."
(D. N.J. 1978) 460 F.Supp. 1026
Rock the Vote!
Plaintiff, while a guest in the Worcester County Jail in Massachusetts, filed a complaint in pro per alleging
(1) that he was a certified candidate for the office of President of the United States;
(2) that on December 2, 1978 [sic] Plaintiff was unlawfully arrested while campaigning in the New Hampshire Presidential Primary, and unlawfully jailed without bail until March 15, 1976. As a consequence, the 1976 presidential election was fraudulent;
(3) that had there been a free legal 1976 Presidential election, Plaintiff would have become the President of the United States;
(4) that Jimmy Carter illegally holds the Office of the President of the United States; and
(5) that Plaintiff should be released from jail so that a new and legal Presidential election can be performed.
Case dismissed as frivolous.
1990 U.S. Dist. LEXIS 8792
Beast of Burden.
The Plaintiff filed his complaint, in pro per, alleging over sixty (60) civil rights violations that he endured in a series of incidents arising out of a peaceful demonstration and seeks damages in the amount of $1,998,000,000. Plaintiff alleges that he began a peaceful demonstration on the steps of the State of Michigan's capitol; and that he was approached several times by the Michigan Capitol Post Police who inquired about Plaintiff's purpose for being on the capitol steps and his identity. Plaintiff explained that he had renounced his given name of Edmond Frank MacGillivray Jr. in exchange for "I AM THE BEAST SIX SIX SIX OF THE LORD OF HOSTS IN EDMOND FRANK MacGILLIVRAY, JR. NOW. I AM THE BEAST SIX SIX SIX OF THE LORD OF HOSTS IEFMJN. I AM THE BEAST SIX SIX SIX OF THE LORD OF HOSTS. I AM THE BEAST SIX SIX SIX OTLOHIEFMJN. I AM THE BEAST SSSOTLOHIEFMJN. I AM THE BEAST SIX SIX SIX. BEAST SIX SIX SIX LORD." Plaintiff was taken into custody that evening for trespassing by capitol police and turned over to the Lansing Police Department. From there Plaintiff was brought before a District Court judge. The judge told plaintiff that he was charged with trespassing, and asked for his plea of innocent or guilty. A discussion about Plaintiff's name and mental status ensued and Plaintiff was eventually taken from the courtroom at the judge's direction. He was placed in an observation cell where he began to chant and pounded his head on the door and walls. Plaintiff attempted suicide by slitting his wrists and was transported to a medical facility where he was diagnosed as having a brief reactive psychosis. The Plaintiff recovered. This lawsuit followed from his cell in the Ingham County Jail in Michigan.
Defendants' motion to dismiss the action was granted by the court.
So Sue Me.
"This case presents the perhaps unprecedented situation of a court, as litigant, petitioning itself, as court, for relief."
(D. Md. 1993) 823 F.Supp. 1273, 1279 fn.2
Aerospace?
"Plaintiffs also contend that parachute jumping falls within the right to travel protected by the Fourteenth Amendment."
Playboy Mystery Writer Unveiled?
In a recent dissenting opinion, Justice Ruth Ginsberg wrote, "The Court's woodenly literal construction gives rise to practical abnomalies and effectively shrinks the jury's choices while enlarging the prosecutor's options."
Right to a Speedy Trial?
Plaintiff, while a guest in the federal penitentiary in Atlanta, filed suit, in pro per, against the U.S. Congress. Among his allegations were the constitutionality of a number of statutes dealing with the salaries, retirement pay, survivors' benefits, etc., of Judges, U.S. Attorneys, Clerks, Marshals, and others; and that he was unjustly tried and convicted in both Federal and State courts because the charges against him were processed and tried by the court and staff in an extremely rapid manner, failing to consider all issues, due to the fact that the court "was overworked and under paid."
Case dismissed as frivolous.
Unpublished Opinion - See Table of Decisions Without Reported Opinion
Yeah, But they Didn't Inhale.
The Plaintiff, a Vietnam veteran, filed a complaint, in pro per, seeking $49 million in damages against Larry Silverstein, the alleged owner of "Runway 69," a Queens dance club, WNBC-TV Channel 4 television station, the City of New York, Presidents Bill Clinton and Richard Nixon, H. Ross Perot, John W. Vessey and Gen. Colin Powell.
"The gravamen of Miller's complaint is that the named defendants committed or aided others in committing illegal acts, including assassinations, over a twenty-five year period, beginning amidst the Vietnam War, in furtherance of a conspiracy to distribute Laotian heroin. He asserted that the defendants are still engaged in heroin trafficking today and that 'Goldfingers International,' a business that supplies nude dancers to nude dance clubs, is laundering the proceeds of the conspiracy through 'Runway 69.' Miller alleged that the proceeds are used for such purposes as covering up the 'Watergate scandal' and buying the 'cooperation' of the NYC Police Department."
Case dismissed as frivolous.
(W.D. Penn. 1971) 54 F.R.D. 282
A Real Devil of a Litigant
Plaintiff filed suit against Satan and his staff for violation of his civil rights. Among the allegations were: (1) that Satan had on numerous occasions caused him misery and unwarranted threats, all against his will; (2) that Satan had placed deliberate obstacles in his path that caused Plaintiff's downfall; and (3) that by reason of the foregoing acts, Satan had deprived him of his constitutional rights.
The court noted that, "Even if plaintiff's complaint reveals a prima facie recital of the infringement of the civil rights of a citizen of the United States, the Court has serious doubts that the complaint reveals a cause of action upon which relief can be granted by the court."
The court went on about its concerns and further noted, "We question whether plaintiff may obtain personal jurisdiction over the defendant in this judicial district .... the plaintiff has failed to include with his complaint the required form of instructions for the United States Marshal for directions as to service of process."
Case dismissed as frivolous.
White Knight, Black Knight.
"A lawyer, like any other person, may in his private life be a cad or a king, an inconstant lover or a rock of stability, gracious or a grouch, but in his professional life he may not overstep the bounds and abuse his position of trust as counsel, confidante, champion and fiduciary."
Syllabus
A wayward Chevy struck a tree
Whose owner sued defendants three.
He sued car's owner, driver two,
And insurer for what was due
For his oak tree that now may bear
A lasting need for tender care.
The Oakland County Circuit Court,
John N. O'Brien, J., set forth
The judgment that defendants sought
And quickly an appeal was brought.
Court of Appeals, J.H. Gillis, J.,
Gave thought and then had this to say:
1) There is no liability
Since No-Fault grants immunity;
2) No jurisdiction can be found
Where process service is unsound;
And thus the judgment, as it's termed,
Is due to be, and is, Affirmed.
Opinion
Before BRONSON, P.J., and V.J. BRENNAN and J.H. GILLIS, JJ.
J.H. GILLIS, Judge.
We thought that we would never see
A suit to compensate a tree.
A suit whose claim in tort is prest
Upon a mangled tree's behest;
A tree whose battered trunk was prest
Against a Chevy's crumpled crest;
A tree that faces each new day
With bark and limb in disarray;
A tree that may forever bear
A lasting need for tender care.
Flora lovers though we three,
We must uphold the court's decree.
Affirmed.
Who ya gonna call?
Plaintiff, to his horror, discovered that the house he had recently purchase was widely reputed to be possessed by poltergeists, and promptly commenced an action seeking rescission of the sale.
"From the perspective of a person in the position of plaintiff herein, a very practical problem arises with respect to the discovery of a paranormal phenomenon: 'Who you gonna call?' as the title song to the movie 'Ghostbusters' asks. Applying the strict rule of caveat emptor to a contract involving a house possessed by poltergeists conjures up visions of a psychic or medium routinely accompanying the structural engineer and Terminix man on an inspection of every home subject to a contract of sale. It portends that the prudent attorney will establish an escrow account lest the subject of the transaction come back to haunt him and his client -- or pray that his malpractice insurance coverage extends to supernatural disasters. In the interest of avoiding such untenable consequences, the notion that a haunting is a condition which can and should be ascertained upon reasonable inspection of the premises is a hobgoblin which should be exorcised from the body of legal precedent and laid quietly to rest."
Who Left this Sand Bag Here? "The owner of a six-story apartment building hired an independent contractor, the plaintiff's employer, to wash the windows of the building. No safety devices from which windows washers could be suspended had been installed on the building. Consequently, the owner and the contractor agreed that the windows would be washed by means of a ladder extended over the edge of the roof from which the workers would be suspended in a boatswain's chair secured to the roof by a weighted sand bag. While the plaintiff was suspended in the chair some 35-40 feet above the ground, a fellow worker mistakenly removed the sand bag anchoring the plaintiff's chair, causing him to fall and suffer injury."
It's all BS. After a majority shareholder used involuntary dissolution procedures to transfer certain corporate assets to another corporation in which he was the sole shareholder, the minority shareholder filed suit. During the course of the lawsuit, Plaintiff commenced discovery. Defendant actively resisted both document production and deposition. After repeated failures to appear and numerous postponements, he appeared at a deposition on February 12, 1981, rescheduled at his request, only to refuse to answer questions because it was Lincoln's birthday -- assertedly a "legal holiday."
At a June 1981 deposition, on a court order to appear with records at the office of plaintiff's counsel, "Rodman [the defendant] produced an assortment of papers in a box filled with straw and and horse excrement, which he laughingly dumped on the table. After [Plaintiff's] counsel and the court reporter had inspected the documents for an hour, Rodman announced they must be sure to wash their hands thoroughly because the straw had been treated with a toxic chemical readily absorbed through the skin."
Consequently, on Plaintiff's Motion, the court struck the Defendant's Answer from the record and a default was entered against him.
(1996) Eleventh Judicial Circuit, Dade County, Florida
He Who Dies With the Most Toys Wins!
In 1996, Pepsi launched a marketing campaign aptly named "Pepsi Stuff." The campaign included Pepsi products offering a certain number of random points, as revealed under the twist off cap. By collecting points (or buying them from Pepsi at $0.10 each) comsumers could then redeem them in exchange for Pepsi promotional "stuff," i.e. t-shirts, hats, etc. Pepsi then ran several television commercials promoting the campaign. At the end of one such commercial a student was portrayed showing up to school in his new Harrier jet and "7,000,000 points" then flashing across the TV screen.
Mr. Leonard, age 24, collected 15 Pepsi Points and together with a check in the amount of $699,998.50 (for 6,999,985 additional points) plus $10.00 for shipping and handling, forwarded his Pepsi Stuff order form with a request to redeem the Harrier jet, as shown in the television commercial.
Surprise! Pepsi refused to honor the request saying it was a joke and Mr. Leonard filed suit. U.S. District Judge Kimba M. Wood agreed with Pepsi saying, "no objective person could reasonably have concluded that the commercial actually offered consumers a Harrier jet."
"Wrong must not win by technicalities" - Aeschylus (c 460 BC)
"If you do not have the basis for an argument, abuse the plaintiff" - Cicero
"In law, what plea so tainted and corrupt, But, being seasoned with a gracious voice, Obscures the show of evil?" - Merchant of Venice
"The law of England is the greatest grievance of the nation, very expensive and dilatory" - Bishop Gilbert Burnet (1723)
"Let the laws be clear, uniform, and precise; to interpret laws is almost always to corrupt them" - Voltaire
"God works wonders now and then:/ Behold! a lawyer, an honest man!" - Benjamin Franklin
"If there were no bad people there would be no good lawyers" - Charles Dickens
"The law is the witness and external deposit of our moral life. Its history is the history of the moral development of the race" - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"The law courts of England are open to all men, like the doors of the Ritz Hotel" - Lord Justice Darling (1920)
"Her husband is a lawyer; and an honest man" - "Bigamist!" - Punch (1920s)
"An unjust law is itself a species of violence. Arrest for its breach is more so" - Gandhi
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
"How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Who gets the money?
No-one, the first three don't exist, and the old drunk is too stupid to pick it up!
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?!"
Many barristers of the city sub-scribed to a fund for his funeral.
The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a nickel.
"Only a nickel?" said the Justice, "Only a nickel to bury an attorney? Here's a dollar; go and bury 20 more of them."
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."
The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "When my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Taller!
There are skid marks in front of the skunk
Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat.
The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm.
As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.
He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill.
He panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up,
squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions,
so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamppost, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the lamppost, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist thoughtfully. "No, I was just wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
His partners.
His lips are moving.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing heart shaped stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
They both look good hanging from a tree.
Shoot him before he hits the water.
"Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse.
When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals.
The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds.
Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door.
The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there.
It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs.
However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying
"There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
Two minutes later, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
Because deep down they're good.
One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.
The lawyer charges more.
Not enough sand.
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where you knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
...And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case.
He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."
St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (That's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed.
They had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately ran for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local sheriff. The Sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the Sheriff, "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a steak. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
The next day the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 for legal consultation.
A hooker will stop screwing you when you're dead.
In the cemetery.
A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain.
The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"
"What type?" the woman asked.
"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.
"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."
"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.
"Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs."
"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?" the doctor replied.
***********************************************
1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
They get so much practice screwing people.
gushed a woman to the lawyer, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," the lawyer replied, "ever since the they invented money there has been only one answer to that question.
A doberman.
Their personalities.
After a small amount of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station.
After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings.
Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity.
"Great!!", the Pope says to Himself, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my place!"
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses.
St. Peter indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first lawyer to make it up here!!"
"Doctor," she asks nervously, "Can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
It might be your bicycle.
After a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day the bloke came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the
balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?".
The man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer".
Harry says "How can you tell?".
George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
(1994) Los Angeles County Municipal Court, Case No. SB94C02433
I'm OK, and So Am I.
An attorney representing himself in a case for recovery of his fees had his case dismissed because he failed to appear for a scheduled court hearing. He subsequently filed a motion requesting relief from the judgment of dismissal based upon the theory that it wouldn't be fair to penalize the client for the mistakes of his attorney. Defendants filed their opposition to the motion, which included the following excerpt:
"Uniquely, Plaintiff herein, an attorney litigating in propria persona, is alleging that he has caused his client (himself) irreparable harm for which he should not be made to bear the mistakes of his attorney (also himself). Defendants, jokingly, have dubbed this the 'Sybil' defense."
Lawers don't think that they're funny; and nobody else thinks that they're jokes.
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
(Quoted from Disorder in the Court)
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
(Quoted from Disorder in the Court)
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
(Quoted from Disorder in the Court)
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
(Quoted from Disorder in the Court)
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
(Quoted from Disorder in the Court)
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
(Quoted from Disorder in the Court)
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.
2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should re-learn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for ****.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sardars had to leave Italy. There was a big uproar from the Sardar community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sardar community. If the Sardar won, the Sardars could stay. If the Pope won, the Sardars would leave. So they picked a middle aged man named Santa Singh to represent them.
Santa Singh asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
Santa Singh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Santa Singh looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Santa Singh pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.
Santa Singh pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, -I give up. This man is too good. The Sardars can stay.
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, First I held up three fingers to represent the trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to showthat God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?
Meanwhile, the Sardar community had crowded around Santa Singh. What happened? they asked. Well, said Santa Singh, First he said to me that the Sardars had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sardars. I let him know that we were staying right here.
Yes, yes,.. and then??? asked the crowd.
I don't know, said Santa Singh,
He took out his lunch, and I took out mine.