Selena/Drew's Notes on Nephilim

25/1/96 4.00am Thursday.

Although this may be the first entry in this series of logs I guess I should really begin at the beginning. If its really called that. I'd been studying at Hatfield University for a while. After I was turned, I left Manchester and the memories behind and vowed to fix the beings who had made this happen. I came here, well to Welwyn, earned a Princedom. There was no other like me there. I used cash that I inherited from my mother to give my something to do. Study. To pass the time and find others, not unlike myself.

After the warning from the race I'd never yet met I decided upon finding out more about the occult. The Nephilim had tried to warn me. I thought perhaps they might be able to help me find sanctuary of some sort. But thats not how its happening. Now I'm like this they can't help. I guess I'll just have to ..live.. with it. I researched for maybe 9 years. Yes, about that. Finding out what I could about these Nephilim. Searching for cures. Anti-curses. That sort of thing. Studying the occult took a back seat as hopes were dashed and hours became wasted. So I began getting on with what life I could have. Astrophysics. Its kinda up in the clouds. I thought It would do for a while.

I met my first real Nephilim only just before Christmas. He was scared of me. I don't remember his name but he was at least 6 foot tall. And scared. Of me. He backed away. I told him it wasn't my fault I was like this and followed him into the Uni bar. There were more. So many shades of aura that I'd never seen before. So many Nephilim there. Awakened mortals too. There was even another like me! Another Selenim. Not much really happened after that until about two weeks ago.

I met the Morrigan and the one called Stray. They seemed very nice. But definately people to be careful of. I didn't much care for Morrigan's ideas on wallpapering the Elehouse so that it was flowery. It was a bit headachy for me. I ramble too much. Getting to the point and writing down something real would be a better idea seeing as I'm using this computer to sort my head out. Or trying to.

I met something today. With a confusing aura. He seemed nice enough. I couldn't really work him out. We had rather a long conversation about lots of things. Mostly about Hatfield and the area around. He seemed interested in people and places. Most people are. I don't know why. He offered me protection. I was scared of being killed for my aura. For what I was. Damn Selenim it wasn't my fault. I took up his offer. The bone in a finger was replaced with metal. That could store energy and maybe cause a small shock to someone should I need it as a last resort.

I should backtrack a bit. There was a Ka explosion at Wall Hall a couple of nights ago and I didn't feel too great. It was making me feel rather ill. To say the least. Still.

Lito - that was 'his' name. He offered me a chip so that I could call on him should I need help. He said that it would also make it possible for him to call for my help. I thought anything like that must be good. For me.

Tonight I met someone called Eric. Another Nephilim. I thought. I am told he really does exist. But it was not him there tonight. Most of us were there tonight. In the Elehouse. I was ill, but went anyway. I needed the company. We all spoke for a while. Then something happened. I didn't remember it until afterwards. Till all my memories were reimplanted in my head.

I know not what happened. All I do know was that according to my memories I had tried to shoot Eric and Stray had got in the way. I killed them. Both. Dex removed Stray and then brought him back. Stray.. he regenerates. Has more than one life. I was protected from the explosion. Stray.. sparks came from everywhere. Glass exploded but I was safe. Couldn't move. Covered all over in metal. Protected. Then the explosion was gone. And so was my protection. What had I done? I didn't know at the time. All I was seeing was not there. I didn't remember how everyone moved. I had a gun still in my hand. I dropped it. Stray was gone. Eric was on the floor. I ran over. Someone had shot him. Me?! But why would I do that. He seemed a real nice guy. Things blurred. Focused. Blurred. Was I going insane? What was happening. As if the shock wasn't bad enough, the memories came after. Just as if someone had put them there for my benefit. I was mind probed left right and centre. Asked questions. I didn't care. Answered them all. Let them get on with it. I couldn't have done it even though my memories and everyone around me says I did. Most of them said I was mind controlled into it. Well I didn't do it out of choice. I'm not that stupid. Dex really believes it to be Zaragon. He believes it was a possession. It'd be fun to blame Zaragon. He scares me now. The first Nephilim I met. And since he had become Agarthan it was I who was frightened. I don't know if I can go along with this though. Stray hates me. Even though he saw I was controlled into it. I'm beginning to worry. What if they believe that I *did* do it on purpose. They found the chip and blamed that firstly. Although I'm not so sure they believe its that now. It is, it is. I didn't do it. Not by choice. I want to say its Zaragon but I will not. I shall let them all believe what they want. I just want this damned chip out. Alan has asked for my help tonight. He wants one of each 'race' to aid in the continuation of the Universe. I was chosen. I said yes. I want to forget tonight and show everyone that I was possessed and didn't know what was happening. It will hurt for a long time to come. I have to get this damned chip out. I can't have secrets with it in. Lito will know too much. He can watch through my eyes. I can either have fear, or I can have fear for my life, protection and worry all at the same time. I don't want to jepardise Alan's goals. And I don't want Lito to know if I can help it.

I cannot sleep. This is driving me crazy. If I don't get help then I'll get it out myself. As soon as I know how. I feel sick.. and there's a dull thudding in my head.. and someone is inside it. And Lito and Zaragon worry me .. they're beginning to do things together. Like talk. That can be dangerous. And if I go against either then I'm dead. Probably. But then there's no change there really. I want to be me. I don't want this chip, I don't want sympathy, I just want freedom. I want to sleep free of worry. For just once. I have to go now. I can't stay on this computer. I don't want to break it. And waste the work I've done so far. Bye.

25/1/96 11.30pm Thursday

I guess I went to Wall Hall. I don't remember how I got there. But I was there. I was dressed all wrong. My clothes were torn. Hands dripping and sore from scraping walls. Best kept hidden.

Sometimes the pain subsides. They offered to take the chip. Lito wouldn't like it I could tell. I had to say no. It sometimes hurts. But I can talk to Donald, the Morrighan and obviously Lito. I just returned from Wall Hall. Lito has gone for a while and I feel better.

More happened tonight. We expelled Lewis from Set. Until the Templars came along. Vince died, N'Varr died, Michael died. Set died. Jazz was close. Jono has a new aura, as does Jazz. Agarthans. Jono seems to care what happens. More than anyone. As does Alan. They seem to be the two I get on with best. James is another. Jono is a mage. The others are both Nephilim. I don't know how it happened but N'Varr returned. He stopped an argument between the Tower arcanum and some of the rest I don't remember. I get my protection from Morry, I don't know why. Shielded from all but black solar ka. I get protected by people but I'm feeling in with the wrong crowd. Morry, Lito and Stray I'm really not sure of. I think Stray is not so scarey any more. We talk again now and I'm not so frightened. The Wanderer has gone through the gate. To hell. To save Osiris. I hope he returns safely. Nephys says that Jimmy Wanderer is the chosen one. For what I'm not sure yet. Hopefully for better. Jono has been estranged by the Astrofellians (Morry & Stray) because he is now Agarthan. It's a natural thing from what I see. They can't help it. He just can't get close to them without suffering ill effects.

I'm so tired. The chip isn't hurting right now. I could sleep. I feel better. I can get used to the voices and the pains will go. I may be important to the way things go. I will tolerate this strange state for as long as I can. Alan and Nephys, and the rest too. They all need my help. It's about being strong. I'm taking a break for a week. It's about time I taught myself some magic. I have use of an old Tremere library. Shame they don't need it anymore. *heh*. I'll be leaving for there tomorrow after checking the University mail. (The reading weeks seem to come at the most convenient time). I shall check the situation via mail daily. Unless Lito calls for me I'll be there every day until I return for Semester B. Until then. Goodnight.

27/1/96 10.44pm Saturday

I would have written sooner had I not been so busy. I decided that I should be the one to inform Psilok about Set's death. I also brought Jono along to make myself feel safer. He took it rather better than I expected. Maybe even hoped. Somethings making me feel warped. I guess its just because I'm not too fond of Selenim. Although to be honest I have to say I pity Psilok. It seems he and Set were 'close'. Psilok doesn't actually seem that bad a guy at all. Still, I'll be wary of him. I've learned a few things since I've met all these new ones and one of these things is never judge a person by their 'spirit'. (For want of a better word). He can't help the way he is. Much as I can't. Nor can many of us. The templars are to be feared immensely. I learn that their leader is named Orion. He is also a Bacci.

If I could describe the horror I suddenly felt about 7 mins after writing the last segment of this script I would. It was about 12.02am. I think. Something happened to the Morrigan. She...died. Regenerated. I felt the telepathic outburst. So intense. And then just... gone.

Jono thinks its all his fault. I wish I could find words to make him feel better. I'm not sure I can. I'm not so good at this sort of thing. I wonder how she'll be with me. Jono is scared of her. I can tell. I am intrigued, and scared to meet her again. I got a message from him yesterday evening. We didn't get to talk about it much as we were waiting to talk to Psilok.

Its strange. I can almost feel how upset Jono is. He didn't want Agartha. The only one I know not to want understanding and knowledge. But then if it loses a good friend and he is upset because of this then it shows that his values lie in the right places. I know he'd rather be ignorant and happy than knowledgable, transendant and hated for what he is. He needs at least someone to stick by him and I'd like to help. I want to talk to Alan some more.

I worry about this chip again. And the Morrigan. Frightened than she might just rip it out because she wants too. I need to see how she's changed. Jono says it's not for the better. It's a pretty main worry at the moment. I have a lot to try and do right now. I must arrange a meeting with Alan before Lito returns which is impossible right now. Either that or I cannot let Lito now I'm meeting with him which is more impossible. I need to list what I aim to do right now.
1] Return Jono's email. This is first and foremost important.
2] See how the Morrigan has changed.
3] Speak with Alan again.
4] Continue my studies of black moon magic around these worries.

I feel that I may begin to run out of time. Especially if Lito calls upon me again. If this happens the chip may have to come out. Although I would rather it didn't right now because I like to send the odd message to Donald. I guess that 1] and 3] come first. I'll just have to see the Morrigan when the opportunity arises. I am making myself unavailable to all but the Agarthans who may read my mind anyway, (although only Jono knows this) for the next few days. I have to cram as much as I can into the next few days. Lito may not like me studying but its not really his business. I just know that when he comes back he'll use me to find out what has been happening. This I do not like. I'm very frightened of this actually. But Donald seems to manage ok. And since he talks to me telepathically then he must have one too. At a guess. He seems to be a lot free'er than I feel though.

2/2/96 6.45am Friday

I have returned from my studies. I learn quicker than I thought. People keep giving me presents and I don't know why.

I met someone called Marko Delamitri a couple of nights ago. A necromancer by trade. I don't much care for him to be honest. He offers power and asks for nothing in return. He asked me about the grail. I said I knew nothing of it but he increased my power significantly anyway. There is another new Vampire. A real Kindred. Spawn of Marko no doubt. Vlad I think he's called. I have my reasons for disliking Marko. Most of them being that he plays with the dead. And guess what yours truely is. Hmph.

Jono has spoken to the Morrighan. She's changed again. He says we should call her Libra now. As long as she's okay that's fine with me. Its rather quiet without her around and Stray.

Lito has finished his one week surveillance on my chip and has decided to leave me alone now hopefully for good. I don't really need the power and protection that it gives but its useful for talking to Donald.

I have become learned in an awful lot this week. Jono inscribed a spell for me and I learned Thaumaturgy. I think I'll aid Psilok with these new findings. He doesn't seem to have made much use of his talents.

I currently have protection should I need it from at least 3 people. That's if Libra hasn't changed her mind.

I'm rather getting used to this Black Solar Ka explosion. I could almost find it useful. Its powerful and I could make use of it but I would rather not to be honest. Its evil and I'd rather stay away from it but then those new spells aren't all nice either. I'm not trying to be evil or good, just staying alive right now so I'll use whatever I have to so that I can stay that way. Hopefully without upsetting other people. Unless they deserve it.

5/2/96 9.52am Monday

I finally have some time to remember some of the other goings on recently. Zaragon died last week sometime, so did Eric. Jono has inscribed another spell - Crystal Net. Kinda like teleport really. I spoke to Alan last night. We - that is Alan, Jono and I - went to Stanbrough Park for a long walk and a bit of a chat. It seems that N'Varr has a 4th piece of the grail but he (Alan) didn't know what happened to the other three. Luckily Jono, Psilok and I do. I spoke to Psilok about this a few days ago. Unfortunately I can't get to my email in which he has explained a few things about the grail from what he tells me. A few more days and I shall. I really hope that Psilok doesn't decide upon Marko's help. I really do. Otherwise I'll be the last of my kind. I'm just about getting used to being Selenim. It's different but I have become accepted by the few I have known who are also different. Nephilim, mages and otherwise.

8/2/06 12.35pm Thursday

Alan is a Vampire. I don't know how to take this. I don't mean a Selenim. I mean true Kindred. Which means he's died. I can't believe he'd want to do this. No matter how much power it would give him. I couldn't die for more power. Although it sounds interesting I couldn't do it. Maybe it's because I don't lead a normal life. (Who does that I know?). He gave up a life. Has he also given up his soul? I dearly hope not. Its a strange thought that all these kindred are popping up all over the place. Marko. He's bringing them back. I never realised how well Alan and James got on. Or used to. James is intensely distressed by Alan's change. More so than myself. I have offered my help to them both. Alan, because if they find out he's kindred he may be in trouble. If he goes against my nature and needs help then I shall not give it however. James, because he needs a friend and I owe it for trying to control him into liking me. These powers are a curse sometimes. He was stronger than I realised and discovered what I was trying to do. I fear that I made him wary of me. I think people should be more careful of me. I don't know what I can do sometimes. Lito sees through my eyes. He could find out anything and use it against others. No-one but me knows this. I'd be in serious trouble if they found out. Although I can't keep it quiet forever. What do I do? If I tell someone then Lito knows and gets rid of them. If I tell them nothing then he learns all and I have to suffer then knowledge that he's watching. He's probably reading this right now.

I want to be liked but if I am, then people will trust me and they shouldn't because it could ruin everything. Maybe I should just go away. For good. If I make people hate me then they won't tell me anything. I'm trying to stay neutral. Lito says its best. I have to agree.

11/2/96 Approx 1.30am Friday

Tonight was the night that N'Varr had planned to destroy the Bacci Templar Orion. N'Varr showed me his plan and how it would work. I have to say I was at the very least sceptical. Hmm, I'll backtrack a bit. I was invited to dinner by Marko. He's very rich. He gave me protection against the kindred he created. All he wants is my trust. Or some of it. Getting back to earlier tonight I decided that appearing in the amphitheatre would be a bad idea so I hid in the only place I knew I'd be safe. The gate. As I wasn't there I didn't see all that happened first hand but had to rely on Donald to relay the information. Apparently, Marko had cast a spell over the amphitheatre that caused a massive black solar ka explosion from the gate. That must have been what hit me. It was amazing. Such a lot of power in one blast. Just like an adrenaline rush but 10 times over. All at once. It felt so good. Donald says that Marko was consumed by his spell. This I cannot believe. He is black, just as I am. I gained from it. Why should he have become ash just like that? Orion and his templars showed up just after this. Anyone visible was killed. Vince... Jono . . . I still can't believe Jono is gone. But if he was still alive he'd be here right now. He asked for my help. I refused. Someone is going to be very sorry. Probably me. Donald and James managed to stay hidden thankfully. They watched Jono go. And Jazz became Kindred. Someone called Casper did it. Casper also brought N'Varr back. The templars and Orion just all walked away. Freely. Its quiet and dark now. I'll rest awhile. My head is too muddled. Full of power but not enough to bring them back. Poor Jono...

10/2/96 2am Saturday

The day was spent in training with Alan to learn new disciplines. We decided to go at about 7pm for a drink in the Elehouse. I had a lovely time. I don't quite understand it. Something isn't right. I don't really remember it all. I am no longer Drew. As I become the last of my kind I must bear the name of us all. In memory. Selena Nightstar. That is what events this week have done. I must survive to maintain the balance. That is all I know. Others must join me. Alan already has. Pestilence.... held his hand to my head. Will probably die soon.

Saturday 2.30am 10/2/96

N'Varr is a fool.
But he has offered me almost anything I want. I think I may ask him about the route to Agartha. Converting him should be easy with Alan's help. Psilok should be even easier. All we have to do is get him to talk to us. I'll learn what I can from them first. I have been training with Alan again. I'm almost there with Majesty. Should be useful. He has taught me this and Summon. I have returned the favour with Thaumaturgy. We - that is, Alan and I - are looking out for each other. I now have protection from near enough all sides. Lito, Alan, N'Varr, and Marko have all offered/gave help so far. I can probably earn from James too. Easy when you know how.

Tuesday 6.10pm 13/2/96

N'Varr has offered to teach me a few disciplines. I am wondering what he'll ask for in return. There is a new guy around who seems to be Selenim. Well he has a black moon aura. He's called Syd. He seems fairly nice.

Psilok has gone all strange. I was talking to him last night and he said that he used to trust me once. I guess that means he doesn't now.

Sunday 8.30pm 18/2/96

So much has happened. And in so little time. Syd lied about his aura. He's another kindred. So I'm still the last one. I think I'll start with recalling what I can about Thursday night. N'Varr and Marko killed Casper. Lewis won't be coming back. I felt that I had to go outside with Casper, N'Varr, Dex and Marko. It was the night Marko asked me to marry him and the night he died. I couldn't have said yes. Not after all the Kindred that were being created. There are a lot of 3rd gen's appearing. Syd and Grey being two of them. I finally understood that night what had been happening to me. I wasn't evil. Lewis was. He had possessed Alan and I on the night we met Casper. Also the night I met Paladin/Pestilence. Now he is someone I'm staying away from. Alan is dead. He never came back after drinking from Pestilence's blood. So much for looking out for each other. James says that Alan chose his own way as do we all. Its sometimes hard to understand though. Donald's aura is changing. It is now deep purple. I'm just guessing here but I'm worried that he may be another one of the horsemen.

James - I never realised how deep his anger ran. I tried to introduce him and Syd and nearly died in the process. Bad mistake. James and I seem to have been brought together by Alan's death and whats happened to a few others we knew. He's so angry he's all twisted up inside. I understand what he feels. Alan and James were real close once. I'll never fully know how well they got on but I can see it in James' rage. Syd amd James. They argued for so long. And even tried to hurt each other. I couldn't watch. It hurt still. Just to hear the words they were saying. I could have died and they were so busy fighting they wouldn't have noticed. Dex was there when I opened my eyes again. And Grey - he's nutty. James and I spoke for a while - he didn't seem to understand that I had lost my way. I wanted to be here to help Alan and Psilok. But that was far too late now. I'm looking for James now. If anything was ever to happen to him I'd be so angry I'd die. After Jono, Alan and the others I can't watch it happen again. Too many people have gone.

Saturday March 2nd 96 8.30am

I have not written for only 2 weeks. And things are so changed it could have been a year since last writing. The time is drawing close. Set, Horus and Casper Daekum (the real) killed Pestilence. He just happened to be a Morpheus agent. The Morpheus hit squad is on its way. 5 of them. N'Vaar has been captured, Casper rules the Vampires (of which I am classed as one), and I am the closest to N'Varr in abilities. I have chosen myself a clan. Arkady. It feels strange to be able to manipulate Sun & Sky. I have attained the one thing I thought was impossible. Agartha. I feel so much where I only felt bad things before. I owe much to N'Varr, Dexter and James. The pain is gone. Jono, Alan, Vince and Marko are gone, but not forgotten. Now is the time for a new life. A new beginning. However short it may be, I am going to make it worth it. James and I have become close. Closer than I ever thought it possible to get to anyone. Once this is all over we are settling down together. I am like him. He is Agarthan too. But Nephilim agarthan. We can do much together. I have chosen to live as air. James' dominant ka. I may not be a real air being but I'd like to be as close to it as possible. While I'm with the Vampires I'll be black moon most likely.

A new thought has just worried me. Stray and Elysius are astrofelians. So are the Morpheus. It may be that, like Stray, the Morpheus can regenerate too. This could make for difficult times.

24/3/96 1.00am