BONSAI#1 : DRAGOR AND THE CAUSALITY VIOLATION

Both this story and Bonsai #2 are based around real life events involving Dragor. Dippy is the alias of a girl he met over the internet and was going to meet the weekend the story was written, even though they had started going out beforehand. They never got engaged.

"Boom! A Noising Fart!"

There is a character on Uglymug called 'Bonsai Tree'. Dragor's bonsai tree is based upon this character, who has a tendency to say "Boom! A Noising Fart!" a lot.

"...everyone else in the house had disappeared on an impromptu shopping trip to Grimsby."

There was a time when every time I popped round to see Dragor at weekends he and his family had either just been shopping, or were just about to. Not to Grimsby though.

"Fizban didn't wake up until 1pm and the Open Day he's helping at started at 11"

I was helping at an open day the weekend I wrote this. And it did start at 11am.

"A(63 + 29i)", "M(62 + 21i)"

The A63 and M62 are the main roads used in getting from Hull to Leeds.

"Apparently he's found out a way to use LaTeX as a weapon of mass destruction."

LaTeX, for those who don't know, is a text formatter, mostly used on Unix systems.

"It's fifty quid extra if you throw up..."

This tends to be a standard surcharge in most British taxis.

BONSAI#2 : DRINK UP DRAGOR!

"Right, that's the station, MacDonald's, and Untidy Humphrey's."

Scruffy Murphy's is a chain of pubs, and it's Leeds pub is usually the venue for mud-meets that take place in Leeds.

"The Quorn Exchange!!"

There is a building called the Corn Exchange in Leeds (as with many other British towns and cities). Quorn, if you haven't heard of it, is a meat substitute.

"Siteview Hotel (Prop. H. Borg & Sons)"

The Hotel isn't based on any existing one that I know of, the Proprietor is named for Hugh, the lone Borg in the 'I Borg' episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

"A strange man I met in the station. He looked like he was made of dark concrete and wore a strange blue outfit."

The strange man in question is Darkseid, a dark god from the DC Comics Universe.

BONSAI#3 : MUTLEY, FIZBAN, AND A BLOKE FROM GREECE

"Dare I ask what the previous move was? The one that lead you on to 'salt'?"
"Chocolate!"

Bournville Chocolate ---> Bournville Salt Flats. My mind must have been particularly twisted when writing that bit.

"..so I said to him, 'Jeff, you went back once and couldn't warn them, no way you'll get me to help you try again.'"

The Jeff in question is Commander Jeffrey Sinclair of Babylon 5. Mutley is referring to events taking place in the episode "Babylon Squared". As is probably painfully obvious to any Babylon 5 fans reading this, this story was written before "War Without End" was aired.

"I am a timebomb,"
"A ticking ticking ticking timebomb,"

Lines from the song "Timebomb" by Chumbawamba.

"Yeah, little hiccups in history. Like having the place where you live inexplicably change overnight, without you moving house or anything."

One of the early IJ stories has Indy living in halls when in every other story he's living in a house. Here Mutley is giving a possible explanation for this anomaly. The explosion even happens in roughly the right "time period".

"It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all..."

Walt Disney World. Small World exhibit. I say no more.

"That odd bloke, the short one, and the Serpent Prophet."

In order: Indy, Dragor, and Jimmy.

"I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance."

This is in fact a Socrates quote, not a Plato one. This is deliberate.

"Fete? Fete of Atlantis?"

There is a computer game called "Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis." If I remember correctly Dark Horse did a Comic mini-series based on it too.

"BOOM! A FRENCHING TEST!"

I'm not explaining this one.

BONSAI#4 : MIRACLE ON GEORGE STREET

This story is a parody of "The Snowman" by Raymond Briggs. Most of what happens in here is based on events in that story.

"I saw a mouse!"
"Where?"
"Right there! A giant mouse with wellies on!"
"I must be declaring! Well!"

Based on lines from a children's song. I don't know how widespread in the world this song is, so the chorus is reproduced below. Dragor, in real life, has a fondness for this song, and has been known to suddenly break off and start singing it. The song goes as follows:
"I saw a mouse!"
"Where?"
"There on the stair!"
"Where on the stair?"
"Right there! A little mouse with clogs on"
"Well I declare! Going clip clipperty clop on the stair."

"The mouse, which incidentally was wearing red wellington boots, was soon joined by a similarly sized rabbit and hedgehog (who was wearing green wellies)."

The mouse, rabbit and hedgehog are taken from the "Country Companions" series of greeting cards.

"The Christmas edition of 'Pets win Prizes'"

'Pets win Prizes' is a genuine TV programme, which has people showing off what their pets can do in order to win a prize. I'll leave it to your imagination as to what it's like.

"I think I've got SNOWMAN.WAD somewhere."

SNOWMAN.WAD is an imaginary Wad file for the computer game DOOM. I checked to see if it existed at the time of writing, but it seems no one has written one yet. Someone should.

"...swinging round into Finland and narrowly avoiding violating Russian airspace."

This is a bit iffy. I checked the boundaries etc on a current map and it's pretty difficult to fly along the Scandinavian coast of the Baltic then swing round into Finland to avoid violating Russian airspace. IMHO it's the world's fault for not being laid out the way it *SHOULD*.

"Des O'Connor's rendition of 'A Mouse lived in a Windmill'"

The same children's song mentioned earlier. I've no idea if Des O'Connor has recorded a version of it or not.

BONSAI#5 : THE UNPLANTED TREE

Despite all evidence to the contrary, I did not set out to make this an X-files parody. Admittedly, I wrote down the ideas for it a day or so after seeing the "Colony"/"End Game" two part X-files story, and once I had all the ideas I DID start writing it as an X-files parody, but that was not the original intention. The title of the story is also a nod to the X-files, being a play on "The Unopened File", the title given to an X-files video released in the UK.

"Tell me about it. You got any Resolve tucked away in your pot?"

Resolve is a British supposed-remedy for hangovers. I don't know if it's available elsewhere in the world or not.

"You must needing a cure? Like a headache with upset stomach?"

'Headache with upset stomach' is a phrase that (used to, at least) pop up alot in Alka-Seltzer adverts.

"We're Melton and Welton, identical twin spider plants, at your service."

Complicated explanation this. Alison (my girlfriend) and I were driving home for Christmas ('95), and somewhere between Willerby and the A63 drove though a place called Melton. Just outside Melton was this rather large industrial site called 'Melton Plant'. Alison suggested that this would be a good name for a new character in the Bonsai Tales. A few minutes later we saw a signpost for a place called Welton. At that point, one new character suddenly split apart into identical twin spider plants.

"We're not sure,"
"We can't tell each other apart,"

This is a reference to Beltira and Belkira, the identical twins in David Eddings' Belgariad/Malloreon saga. Very few people could tell them apart. Mind you, they could.

"You expect me," he almost spat, "to believe that?"

Taken from an advert for Smirnoff Black Label Vodka that was doing the rounds at the time.

"I've been to Wolf 359"
"Oh, did you meet Rene Auberjonois?"

Wolf 359, as well as being a (relatively) nearby star, is also the name given to a annual British sci-fi convention. Rene Auberjonois (Odo in Deep Space Nine) seemed to appear there every year.

"I just saw a smoking man outside!"

There's a character who, at the time of writing, was known only as The Smoking Man in the X-files. He's now more commonly known as Cancer Man. To my knowledge he's only once been seen in the series without a cigarette in either his hand or his mouth. He's a evil bastard.

"WHAT" *WHACK* "THE" *WHACK* "FUCK" *WHACK* "IS" *WHACK* "WRONG" *WHACK* "WITH" *WHACK* "YOU?" *WHACK*

Well, the idea of having someone hit someone else in between words as they were shouting has doubtless been around a long time. When I put this in I was thinking in particular of an excerpt from a Young Ones record where Vyvyan 'persuades' Rick to listen to his new joke.

"Oi!" said a passerby, "I saw that! You didn't fold that, you had it up your sleeve."

For some reason, the thought occurs to me that the passerby was Eric Idle, or at least, was speaking with Eric Idle's voice.

"Everything is proceeding according to my design."

One of the Emperor's lines from Return of the Jedi.

BONSAI#6 : THE HOLY GRAIL ONE

"My name is Thomas, I am on a quest for the Holy Grail."

Thomas is a character from the Babylon 5 episode "Grail".

"Oh, Ni!"
"How many of them called you a Caniggit?"

Monty Python and the Holy Grail... need I say more?

The shop across the road, "McTavish's Reputable Bookmakers (Ltd.)" exploded.

Apparently a bookmaker's has just opened opposite Dragor's real life house. I only found this out after I wrote this bit. Freaky.

"The hall is currently booked by the Talbot Horizon Owners Club."

The day before I wrote this I was accosted in a petrol (gas) station by a man who had seen that I was driving a Talbot Horizon and wanted to talk to me about Talbot Horizons since he drove one too. The minute I got rid of him, I decided he would be a victim of something in the next story.

"Try going to Central Park and dancing naked."

A nod to the film "The Fisher King", which also makes references to the Holy Grail.

One of the mugs caught his eye. It had the words "Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft" printed on the side.
"This," Indy said, holding it up, "is the cup of a carpenter."

"Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft" is the name of a song by the Carpenters. Hence 'cup of a carpenter'. "This is the cup of a carpenter." is a line from "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade", said by Indy when he finds the Grail.

"Look! He's got the grail!" "HE HAS THE GRAIL!"

More of a take off of "Monty Python's Life of Brian" than "Monty Python and the Holy Grail."

BONSAI#7 : EVERYTHING I DO

Several real-life changes occured between the writing of the last story and this one, and affect the setting for the story. Most importantly, as becomes apparent in the first few lines, Dragor has now left University and started work.

"Every time my boss thinks I'm slacking he starts hitting me over the head with a dead turbot."

There was a British Telecom advert doing the rounds on the radio at the time, which features someone trying to guess the best ways of making his business more efficient. One of his guesses is that he should beat his staff over the head with a dead turbot.

...Going back to have a word with Terry about not using Gareth as sixth on the list.

Terry Venables and Gareth Southgate. It's a football thing.

"There's no chance that Jeremy Beadle or Noel Edmonds is hiding somewhere?"

Note for those unfamiliar with British TV personalities. Jeremy Beadle and Noel Edmonds are both TV bods who delight in playing tricks on other people - Jeremy Beadle on the general public, and Noel Edmonds on famous people.

"No Fizban! For the last time, I'm not taking you forward to see First Contact before everyone else!"

This story was written before "Star Trek: First Contact" was released in the UK. Fizban was obviously quite eager to see it.

"I'm in a building that looks like it was just down the road from the Whitehouse when the aliens came knocking."

Come on, you must've seen "Independence Day"?

...appeared to be a cat. Dragor wrinkled his nose as a foul odour reached him. "EEEUURRRGH! What have they been feeding you?"

Referring to the song "Smelly Cat", sung by Phoebe from "Friends".

"You're in the year 2014... 'Everything I do' is still at number one."

'Everything I do' by Bryan Adams was at Number One in the UK Singles Chart for 16 consecutive weeks in the Summer of 1991. At the time of writing it held the record for consecutive weeks at the top.

"Virginia. Virginia Evermore."

This is a kind of reverse annotation. The weekend after I finished this story and 'published' it, I got to see the computer game "Command & Conquer: Red Alert" for the first time. For those of you who have seen or played it, Virgin(ia) is exactly like Tanya Adams out of the game. When I first saw the game I recognised her at once :-)

"...you'll wish you were the Marathon Man."

I don't know much about the film "Marathon Man", I've only ever seen clips of it, but what I do know is it has a very unpleasant torture scene involving a dentist. I won't go any further.

"I've discarded litter into undetermined periods of history before."

In Bonsai#1.

"Why don't you stop playing Star Trek and answer me."

What percentage of Star Trek episodes (from any of the four versions) involve crew members wandering around in strange environments poking at their tricorders?

"Bite me bitch."
"Believe me, you don't want me to. They'd hear you scream in your own timeline."

To explain this would be more than my life is worth :-)

"Why me? Why here? And why now? It doesn't make no sense."
"No,"
"It's not convenient,"
"No,"
"It doesn't fit my plans."
"No."
"It's something I don't understand."

Lines from the song "F.E.E.L.I.N.G.C.A.L.L.E.D.L.O.V.E." by Pulp.

"...you're going straight back to that pokey little shop and its strange old owner and his funny little white creatures."
"Oh fuck! Creatures will eating me! Like an after midnight!"

The shop where Gizmo the Mogwai, from the film "Gremlins", comes from.

"They became divided by the age old debate over which is better, pie or sponge."

Some friends of mine in Manchester became embroiled in this very debate on one of the University's internal computer bulletin board systems. I forget what the outcome was, if there even was one.

"We've just done to history what Jeremy Paxman does to politicians."

Jeremy Paxman is one of the anchormen for BBC TV's "Newsnight". He is a *VERY* tough interviewer.

...to be continued.

One day, I will write the continuation of this story, I promise.