BONSAI 2K

A NEW ADVENTURES OF THE BONSAI TREE SPECIAL


This preamble was going to be about how this was a Millennium Special, even though technically the new Millennium doesn't start for another year, and how that what with the calendar having been mucked around with so much and all that what's another year between friends, and why be a party pooper for the sake of a mere technicality, but I changed my mind. Two friends of mine each lost someone close to them during December 1999, so, irreverent though these stories are, I'd like to dedicate this one to the memory of everyone, known and unknown, who didn't quite make it to the Third Millennium. Rest in Peace.
  Fizban pranced around the living room, singing along to Robbie Williams. "We're all daft, obsessing with dates. IT guys are on triple pay, 'cause there's worry about Y2K. Millennium."
  "Fizban," Sonson said sternly, "That's the third set of alternative lyrics you've come up with for that song in the past hour."
  "This is the seventeenth time we've heard the song today," Fizban countered. "Re-writing it is my way of coping with that without needing therapy."
  "You could just turn the TV off."
  "What?" Fizban asked, not quite believing his ears. "How can we celebrate a New Year without trashy overdone TV to guide us?"
  "Well, for starters we could just put some music on and build our own party atmosphere. Alternatively we could go into Leamington and join the throngs gathering there to celebrate. If we can't think of anything better there's always Friends videos with beer and chocolate. You can celebrate anything that way." Sonson smiled.
  Fizban looked down at his belly. "I think I reached my chocolate quotient for 1999 sometime around August."
  "But that hasn't stopped you eating it since then, has it?"
  "I know." Fizban frowned. "Still, better late than never. I'll give chocolate a miss tonight."
  "Let's go out then." Sonson suggested, not wanting to lose too much ground.
  "But I want to keep an eye on the computer during the rollover."
  Sonson sighed loudly. "What difference will it make if you're here. Whether you find out at midnight, or later on, you'll still have several grand's worth of scrap metal tomorrow morning."
  "Don't leaving me," the bonsai tree said suddenly. It sounded very quiet, definitely not its usual perky self.
  Sonson and Fizban both turned to look at it. "What's wrong?" Fizban asked. "You've hardly said a word all night."
  "I must be scared," it replied solemnly.
  "Why?"
  "I does wondering, am I Y2K compliant?"
  Fizban tried not to laugh. "Erm, I don't think the Y2K problem is anything for you to worry about. You're a tree, not a computer."
  "It doesn't being funny. I must be very concerned about 2000."
  Sonson knelt down beside the table the tree was sitting on, and started stroking its leaves gently. "Why are you worried? What could possibly happen to a bonsai tree just because of the year changing?"
  "I don't knowing. That's why I does scaring."
  "Let's see," Sonson said, looking at the clock. "We've got two hours to go. If we stay with you, will you calm down and try to enjoy the occasion?"
  "I can try about that."
  "Good." Sonson wriggled her bottom a little, getting comfortable. "Let's play Truth or Dare then."

  An hour later they had finished playing 'Truth or Dare', attempted to play 'Fuzzy Duck' but given up when they realised the bonsai tree was unaffected by alcohol, and they had moved on to 'The Yes and No' game.
  "How does I playing this?" the tree asked.
  "Fizban and I will ask you questions," Sonson explained. "You have to answer without hesitating, but must not use the words 'yes', 'no', or 'I'." She disappeared into the kitchen briefly and returned with an egg-timer. "If you last until the sand runs out, you win and someone else has to have a go. If you use one of the words, you have to do a forfeit."
  "That does being easy," the tree said, having regained some of its usual bravado in the past hour.
  "Okay," Sonson said, holding the egg timer up. "Ready... Go!" She slammed the eggtimer down on the table and the sand started flowing.
  "Are you a bonsai tree?" Fizban asked.
  "Yes, that's right," the tree replied.
  Sonson started jumping up and down excitedly. "Forfeit! Forfeit!"
  "Oh shite!" the bonsai tree exclaimed, realising what it had said. "I must be crap player of game."
  "I know," Sonson said. "You've got a branch that sticks out at the top, it's always bugging me cause it doesn't look tidy. I'm going to prune it back."
  "NO!" shrieked the tree. "Pruning has all shites!"
  "Oh don't be a baby," Sonson countered. "You've told us before it doesn't hurt."
  "No, but it does itching from growing back."
  "Hahaha that's bugger," Sonson sniggered.
  "Here," Fizban said, a pair of nail scissors in his hand. "One pair of bonsai pruners."
  The tree made a cringing noise. Somehow it managed to do it in Dolby Surround. Fizban took hold of the offending branch and clipped it.
  The tree rustled its leaves frantically. "No no no no!"
  "There," Sonson said, taking the clipping from Fizban. "We could pot this now. You could become a father, or mother, or whatever neuter parents are called."
  The tree regained its composure. "I does making an excellent parent. Raise a Bonsai Tree Junior to be my child."
  "Shall we carry on playing then?" Sonson asked.
  "Yup, we play again. I have thinking good forfeit for Fizban. Shave his legs like a pruning to make it itch."
  Fizban squealed and backed away.
  "Good idea," Sonson said, grinning evilly. "You'll just have to make sure you don't say any of the forbidden words, won't you Fiz?"

  "So Beren," Luthien said thoughtfully, tucked away in their mousehole. "Who would you say was the mouse who made the most impact on the past millennium."
  "You're having a laugh, aren't you?" Beren chuckled. "A mouse make an impact? It's rats who get all the publicity. Rats' fleas carried the Black Death around Europe, rats were in 'The Secret of NIMH', Manuel's pet in Faulty Towers was a rat."
  "Yes," Luthien agreed grudgingly. "When it comes to rodents us mice don't tend to get a look in."
  "Mind you," Beren said grinning. "There was that mouse in the sixties chewed through a power cable and blacked out the entire Eastern Seaboard."
  "Shocking behaviour."
  Beren rolled his eyes.

  "Fiz! Fiz! There's only a couple of minutes to go!" Sonson called up the stairs.
  "I'll only be a sec, I'm just getting dressed again." Fizban replied as he finished drying his now silky-smooth legs.
  "Boom! A Noising Ben!" the tree trumpetted. It was now much happier and was getting into the spirit of the occasion.
  "Yes, in a minute," Sonson agreed, watching the countdown on the television.
  There was a series of loud thumps as Fizban raced down the stairs. "I'm here," he said, entering the room.
  "10," said the television.
  "9,"
  "8,"
  "7,"
  "6,"
  "5,"
  "4,"
  "3,"
  "2,"
  "1,"
  "Happy New Year!" Fizban and Sonson both shouted as Big Ben started chiming on the television, and threw their arms around each other while the sky outside erupted with fireworks.
  "Happy New uuurgggghhhhh," the bonsai tree said, and as it groaned started shaking furiously. "I did telling you," it stuttered, "I have concern about Y2K problem." It stopped shaking, but before it had a chance to relax, all of its leaves fell off.
  "Fucking hell!" Fizban exclaimed.
  "Oh tree!" Sonson said, reaching out and stroking the bare branches.
  "You didn't believe me about Y2K problem! Shites!"
  "But it doesn't make sense for a tree to suffer from the Y2K problem," Fizban said, pacing up and down. "There must be something else going on here."
  "Magic? You thinking someone does magic me to be Y2K buggered?"
  "Maybe. It wouldn't hurt to check. I'll try and get hold of Taly. Sonson, can you stay with the tree?"
  "Sure," she replied, patting the tree comfortingly.

  Fizban started up the stairs, and was passed by a small light brown blur heading in the opposite direction.
  Whhheeeeee! said a voice in Sonson's head.
  Sonson shrieked and jumped backwards as Larkin hovered in the air in front of her. "What the fuck are you doing?" she demanded.
  Flying, he replied. Can't you tell?
  "But how?"
  I wished for telekinetic powers.
  "Come again?"
  On the stroke of the turn of a century a teddy bear can make a wish and have it granted. I wished for TK powers to supplement my telepathic ones. I can move! He swooped around the room, dove through the doorway, looped over and flew back in.
  "Larkin," Sonson said seriously.
  Yes?
  "For starters, this isn't really the time for frivolity, the bonsai tree's leaves have all fallen off. Looks like it might've been mysteriously hit by the Y2K problem."
  Bummer
  "Secondly, if you're going to move about, can you stick to making yourself walk. The flying is freaking me out."
  Larkin descended gracefully to the table top the bonsai tree was residing on. He then waddled around, examining the tree and the ring-shaped pile of leaves around it. Yup, I'm afraid you've definitely got a problem, tree.
  "Oh thanks you! Fucking helpful comment!" the tree grumbled.

  Fizban rushed into his room, praying his computer was still functional. Given that this method had already been widely documented as being ineffective against the Y2K problem, it was a good thing that it was unnecessary. He started up a program that would get Taly's attention by setting her computer's volume settings to maximum and then playing a sample of an air raid siren.

[Splange] She's indisposed.
[Fizban] You mean drunk?
[Splange] No, she's changing Orion's nappy.
[Fizban] Orion?
[Splange] The baby.
[Fizban] Oh, right. I didn't know they'd chosen a name for him. Why Orion?
[Splange] Well, strictly speaking, his name is 01001111 01110010 01101001 01101111 01101110, but I took the liberty of translating it into ASCII for you.
[Fizban] Very kind of you. Anyway, I guess if Taly's not available maybe you can help. On the dot of midnight the bonsai tree's leaves fell off. I can't see how it can be a Y2K problem myself, so I wondered if magic was involved. Can you come and have a look.
[Splange] Certainly. Good thing you didn't get to ask Taly about this, she'd just have told you that any self-respecting tree would be a Pagan and wouldn't subject themselves to any form of theocratic calendar constraints.
[Fizban] But you wouldn't?
[Splange] Oh no, I'd be even more sarcastic. Hang on, I'll be right over.
  Almost as soon as the connection was broken, Splange coalesced out of nowhere into the middle of the room. "Howdy," he said jovially.
  "Hiya," Fizban replied. "Happy New Year."
  "Oh, thanks. Same to you. Now, where's the patient?"
  "It's downstairs, Sonson is keeping an eye on it."
  "We'd better get down there then."

  "I does getting cold," the bonsai tree shivered. "Like a losing heat."
  "Hang in there, bonsai," Sonson said, trying to sound reassuring while being well aware of that fact that she was failing miserably. "We'll soon have you sorted."
  That's strange, Larkin said.
  "What is?" Sonson asked.
  You took a cutting from the bonsai tree, yes? Before its leaves fell off?
  "Yes. We were going to pot it and grow a Bonsai Tree Junior."
  Well, ignoring the fact that that in itself is a scary thought, had you noticed that the leaves had fallen off the cutting too?
  "No, I hadn't," Sonson admitted. "That does seem odd."
  "What does?" asked Splange, drifting into the room.
  "We took a cutting of the bonsai tree before midnight, and the leaves fell off that too."
  "Fascinating," Splange replied, almost meaning it.
  "Where's Taly?" Sonson asked.
  "Dealing with another problem," Fizban explained as he walked in. "Splange came to see what he can do."
  "Thanks Splange, Happy New Year," Sonson said, kissing the genie on one of his moose antlers.
  "Brrr! A Colding Tree!" the bonsai tree complained.
  Splange snapped his fingers, and the tree was surrounded by a warming red glow. "There, that should warm you up. Makes you look like you should be in a ReadyBrek advert," he snickered.
  "That does feeling better, thanking you Splange."
  "Now," the genie continued. "Let's get down to business." He squinted and waved a hand back and forth over the tree. "Nothing magical has happened to it, apart from me heating it up a bit. Let's delve a bit deeper." Splange shut his eyes, and his moose antlers tilted inward, like antennae focusing on the tree. "Now that's odd. There are two presences within the tree. There's the tree's mind, housed in its root system, which I guess is normal, but then there's another mind, which seems to be spread out through the whole of the tree. It's cold, with an air of malevolence about it. Ah, nasty."
  "What?" the bonsai tree, Sonson and Fizban all asked simultaneously.
  The genie frowned slightly. "There's lots of metal particles in the tree's branches and roots, a bit like nano-machines. They're in the cutting too. They seem to be housing the other mind."
  "That doesn't sound good."
  "It isn't, particularly," Splange grimaced. "Hang on, I'll try and extract them." His antlers started to glow, and gradually a silvery cloud formed around the tree. A smaller cloud formed above the cutting and then drifted across into the main cloud. "That's all of them," Splange said as the cloud started drifting upwards above the tree.
  "What is it?" Fizban asked, watching the cloud swirl. He gasped as the cloud began to take on a familiar shape. "The Croton!" he exclaimed.
  "Oh shite! Croton does falling off my leaves to revenge me for crushing defeat!"
  "Pathetic fools!" the cloud said. "Did you really think my plans would be so easily foiled?"
  "I did shooting you into space, like a vaccuum," the tree protested.
  "Yes," the cloud agreed, "But when you fiddled with the escape pod controls you came into contact with the nannites on the control panel, which quickly sank into your bark and spread through your wood. I knew what you had done straight away, and as soon as I entered the airlock I transferred my consciousness to the nannites. Then all I needed to do was to wait for the right time to strike."
  Splange's antlers swivelled so that they were centred on the Croton's cloud. "You seem far too dangerous, I'd best deal with you quickly," the genie said.
  "Not so fast," the Croton said. "What's this I see, a teddy bear with TK powers? Powers it hasn't quite got proper control of yet either, by the look of it." The cloud spun into a tight vortex then rushed down towards Larkin, seeming to disappear into him.
  Shit! the bear exclaimed inside everyone's minds. It's got control of my body. Help!
  "Uh-oh," Splange said. "I'd get a window open and chuck the bear outside if I were you."
  "Why would we want to do that?" Sonson asked.
  Splange gestured at the bear. "Because he's getting bigger."
  Sure enough, Larkin's body was expanding, and had already doubled in size.
  "Ha! ha! ha!" laughed a voice coming from the region of Larkin's stomach.
  Fizban jumped up and started fumbling with the lock on the french windows. Larkin was over three foot tall by the time he got them open, and it took both him and Sonson to throw the bear outside.
  I'm trying to fight it, but it's too powerful. Larkin shrieked in their minds as his body continued to grow.
  "Silence, cretin," the voice boomed.
  GET OUT OF MY MIND! Larkin screamed. GET OU- his voice cut off suddenly.
  "That's better," the Croton's voice said, satisfied. "Now to paint the town red." The bear had now grown to about a story tall and still showed no sign of stopping. "Nah, why bother painting it when I can just rip it all up." Croton/Larkin started to walk down the back garden, heading in the direction of the centre of Leamington, swaying from side to side as it dodged the frequent salvos of fireworks that were still going off.
  "I've got an idea," Sonson said. "I'll have to check it with Melton and Welton though. Do we happen to have a contact number for Muh-Lin?"
  Fizban blinked. "What's he going to be able to do?"
  "I'd rather not say. The Croton might be able to pull my plan out of your head. You and Splange just need to follow him into town and keep him distracted. I need to be able to contact Muh-Lin."
  "His number's in Outlook on my computer, you can get it from there. How are we supposed to distract a giant bear?"
  "You'll think of something dear," Sonson said, kissing Fizban on the cheek. "Now get a move on." She left the room and sprinted upstairs.
  "Well, I guess we'd better do as she says," Fizban said to the genie.
  "There is an alternative," Splange replied.
  "What?" Fizban asked excitedly.
  "We could just sit here and watch the fireworks while the Croton levels the town."
  "Very droll. Now, how are we going to distract it?"
  "Are you okay with heights?" the genie asked, curiously.
  "Erm, ish," Fizban replied.
  "That'll have to do." Splange snapped his fingers and a rug appeared out of nowhere, floating about a foot above the floor.
  "You're kidding!" Fizban exclaimed.
  "No Fizban," the genie said sternly. "If I was kidding I'd say something like 'my, what fashionable clothes you're wearing', or something like that."
  "Cheap shot." Fizban turned to the tree. "Anything you need while we're gone?"
  "I must needing whole bottle of Baby Bio, help to grow back leaves like magic."
  Splange clicked his fingers again and an upended open bottle of Baby Bio appeared just above the tree's pot, slowly dripping its contents onto the soil.
  "Thank you, nice genie man. I will be okay now. Recharging my batteries to be good like new."
  "Hop on then," the genie said to Fizban, grinning.
  "I'm going to regret this," Fizban said, climbing onto the magic carpet. The carpet lurched forward a few feet hesitantly, then shot at high speed through the open french windows and into the open air.

  Fizban screamed as the carpet swooped around the now huge figure of Croton/Larkin admist continuing multicoloured explosions from the persistent firework displays in the area. The bear had stopped growing and was now about twice as tall as a house, but despite its size very few of the people outside had noticed the sudden peril the town was in, as they were all transfixed by the fireworks. A huge arm swung though the air, swatting at Fizban and Splange.
  "I have a small idea," Splange said, drifting along calmly beside the magic carpet. "But it requires the answers to two questions."
  "Go ahead," Fizban hollered, hanging on for dear life.
  "Firstly, where's that lovely big new supermarket? Second, do you reckon that bear's big enough to be called titanic?"
  Fizban looked around, trying to get his bearings. "That way," he said, pointing to the North West of the town.
  "And titanic?" Splange insisted.
  "Who gives a shit? It's huge, isn't that good enough for you?"
  "Just trying to brighten things up. Pardon me for breathing." There was a large crash from below as Croton/Larkin knocked over the sign outside a petrol station. "Oh look," the genie said, "it's just lowered the price of petrol."
  Fizban rolled his eyes, then ducked to avoid being hit by a particularly large rocket. "Go do what you have to do, and get back here before I need a change of underwear. Actually, if you're off to the supermarket it might be an idea to get one just in case."
  Splange sighed then disappeared.
  "Begone, foul fiend!" boomed a green and white blur that suddenly rose up from ground level. "Nobody beats up on Mint-Man's town!"
  "Who?" Croton/Larkin spat.
  "Mint-Man!" Mint-Man shouted heroically, hovering in the air in front of the huge bear. "A Superhero for the New Millennium."
  Something caught Fizban's eye and he looked down to see a group of green and white clad cheerleaders, with matching pom-poms. "Mint-Man! Mint-Man! He's our man!" they sang. "If he can't save us, no-one can!"
  "For fuck's sake," Fizban muttered to himself. "I'm going to have to have a word with Taly about mis-use of polo mints next time I see her."
  Mint-Man threw a solid punch against the bear's nose, which was absorbed harmlessly by the foam it was stuffed with. Croton/Larkin swatted at the superhero with both of its huge arms. The right arm connected and sent Mint-Man flying upwards at a remarkable speed, giving Fizban little cause to expect him back in a hurry.
  "Just me now then," Fizban said, trembling. A small and rare dose of bravado seeped into his brain suddenly, and he stopped shaking. He reached forward and grabbed hold of the front two corners of the magic carpet, taking control of its erratic flight. "Okay then, Mr 'Evil Plant that I Created By Accident and that has Taken Control of a Psychic Teddy Bear', let's see you deal with this, you son of a bitch!" The carpet curved round sharply and started climbing steeply. "Ow," Fizban yelped as his ears started popping. As it reached a point he thought was high enough, Fizban swung the carpet round again and dived towards Croton/Larkin's head.
  "Pathetic worm," the giant boomed. "You cannot harm me."
  "Soft springy foam," Fizban repeated to himself as he gathered speed and got closer and closer to the bear's head. "Soft springy foam."
  As Fizban and the carpet struck the bear they sank into the soft foamy head, and half a second later were catapulted out again as the foam sprang back into place. Croton/Larkin stumbled, now slightly off-balance. "Ha!" Fizban shouted at it, "Couldn't quite handle that, could ya?" He ducked suddenly to avoid being swept off the carpet by a giant furry arm.
  "Whoosh! A Speeding Tree!" chirped the bonsai tree as it plunged into the fray from out of nowhere. It was once again in full foliage, and was riding on the anti-gravity saucer it had acquired during its last encounter with the Croton. It ducked and dived close to Croton/Larkin's face, keeping the giant distracted and off-balance.
  "We're getting there," Fizban cheered. "But we need more to win the day."
  Three supermarket lorries appeared in a puff of smoke on the road below. Splange popped into existence at the back of one, giggling with glee and opening the loading doors. Twenty or so soft toy snowmen, each about four foot high, tumbled out. The genie clicked his fingers and the snowmen jumped to their feet, doubling their size as they did so. They started unloading boxes from the lorry and stacking them by the road side. Fizban squinted, trying to make out what was in the boxes, but couldn't see from the height he was at. The genie opened the other two lorries, revealing more snowmen and more boxes to be unloaded. A minute later the army of snowmen had unloaded all three lorries, and had lined up in front of the faltering Croton/Larkin.
  Splange drifted up to Fizban, rubbing his hands together eagerly. "Just for the record," the genie said, "I decided the bear was big enough to be called titanic."
  "What's in the boxes? I can't quite make out from up here."
  "I would've thought that was obvious. Lots of iceberg lettuces."
  Fizban cringed, but then started to grin as the sixty or so eight foot tall snowmen started pelting Croton/Larkin with the lettuces. From the look of it, they were throwing them extremely hard, and while they did no damage, the multiple impacts added up enough to make the giant bear start to stumble and sway.
  Yes! Larkin's voice sounded in Fizban's head. The Croton is too distracted to keep me in check. Keep it up and I should be able to regain control.
  "More Icebergs!" Fizban yelled to the snowmen.
  "Noooo!" boomed the Croton as the bear slowly started to shrink. Its silvery cloud started to emerge from Larkin's body.
  Free again! the bear broadcast jubilantly. And I seem to have a better grip on these powers. He won't be able to try that again. He shrank quickly back to his normal size and dropped onto the ground.
  "We're not out of it yet," Splange said as he and Fizban drifted downwards. "The Croton will just take control of something else and start another rampage."
  "Perhaps you should pop back to the house and see if Sonson is ready with whatever she's scheming."
  "Sounds like a plan," the genie agreed. "I'll be right back." He disappeared with a distressingly damp squelching sound.
  Fizban looked up. The Croton's cloud was chasing the bonsai tree around the sky, and to its credit the tree seemed to be doing an excellent job of keeping the Croton occupied.
  With the sound of shattering glass Splange appeared again, this time with Sonson standing beside him. The young woman was shrouded in a dark cloak, and wore a look of grim determination. "Splange," she said in a very business-like tone, "I need you to fetch a suit of armour and a sword from Warwick Castle. Put them by that tree over there." She motioned to a large oak about thirty feet away.
  The genie snapped his fingers, and a rusty suit of armour clattered onto the ground by the tree. A second later a rather dull and heavy looking sword joined it. Sonson grinned. "That should do," she said. "There wasn't anything rustier, I take it?"
  Splange shook his head. "I can make it rustier, if you want."
  "No. Save your energy, you might need it if I fail."
  "What are you going to do?" Fizban asked, hoping it wasn't anything potentially Sonson-unfriendly.
  "I'm gonna challenge that fucker and beat it into the ground," she said with conviction. "Well, something like that, anyway."
  Fizban's eyes widened with horror. "Challenge it? To a fight one-on-one?"
  "Yes," Sonson said grimly.
  "Are you mad?"
  Sonson paused, then turned to face her partner. "No. I'm going to cheat."
  "Aha," Fizban said, grinning a little before worry took control again.
  "Croton!" Sonson yelled at the top of her voice, striding forward. The silver cloud paused in its pursuit of the bonsai tree. "There's a suit of armour here for you to possess, and a sword. I challenge you to a duel."
  "What?" laughed the booming voice. "You want to fight me?"
  "That's what I said. Nobody, but nobody, possesses a teddy bear of mine and escapes intact."
  "You're challenging me because I possessed your bear? Don't you have a better reason than that?"
  "Oh, several. You defoliated my favourite bonsai tree, and you're tearing up my town. On top of that, I'm also challenging you because I can. Now, are you going to continue trying to ridicule me or are you going to get down here and fight."
  Fizban winced. "Those are some lethal hormone levels she's got," he muttered to Splange.
  Splange thought it wiser not to reply.
  The silver cloud rushed downwards towards the suit of armour.
  Sonson spun round. "Splange, as soon as the Croton's in the suit, heat it up and weld those sodding nannites into it."
  Almost automatically, Splange was ready with a sarcastic reply, but seeing the look on Sonson's face, he once again decided to keep it to himself. He focused his antlers on the armour as it began to move, and launched a fireball out of each one at it.
  "I'm stuck!" The Croton said as its new body stood up. "Never mind, you'll still lose." It picked up the sword and held it in front of the helmet's visor, as if examining it with eyes it did not have. "Bit of a crap sword. Good job I can do this." There was a flash of light, and sword and armour were suddenly transformed. Both were now shiny as if brand new, and the sword was visibly sharp.
  "Thought you might do that," Sonson said, smiling unpleasantly. "Good job I came well prepared." She reached up with her left hand and pulled at the cloak's fastenings, letting the garment fall from her shoulders. Under it she was wearing leather armour, and in her right hand was Muh-Lin's sword, better known in ancient legend as Excalibur. "This sword," she continued, wielding it, "isn't usually allowed loose in the timestream. It tends to give the wielder an unfair advantage. I convinced its owner there were extenuating circumstances."
  "No matter. I will still win," the Croton said confidently. "En Garde!"
  The two opponents rushed forward, and there was a loud crash as their swords met for the first time. Further crashes followed as the duel got underway.
  Fizban watched with a mixture of horror and pride. "That's my girl," he said to Splange proudly, gesturing in Sonson's direction.
  "Makes me glad I'm not an evil botanical despot with a fixation on revenge," the genie replied.
  The duel continued, and it soon became clear that the duellers were more or less evenly matched. It looked as though the advantage Sonson gained from wielding Excalibur was countered by her inexperience, putting her on a level with the Croton.
  "She can't keep it up forever though," Splange commented. "They're deadlocked, and she'll tire before the Croton does."
  The bonsai tree finally drifted down beside them. "You must having faith, Sonson will be good victory!" it berated them.
  "She'd better win out soon then," Splange said drily. "Fizban doesn't have much fingernail left."
  It seemed now that Sonson was tiring, as she kept losing ground to the Croton. "At last I have you," it said triumphantly.
  As if that was a signal, Sonson sprang forward, all traces of fatigue disappearing. She ducked inside the next sweep of the Croton's sword and swung Excalibur round hard from one side, slicing all the way through the armour at the waist. "I beg to differ," she said politely, ducking back again.
  "Sneaky bitch!" the Croton snarled as it flailed backwards. Its figure still held together, but its torso wobbled slightly each time it moved. "You'll pay for that!"
  "Once again," Sonson countered, lunging forward again and this time slicing through its sword arm, "I think you'll find you're somewhat mistaken."
  The three pieces the Croton had been sliced into started to separate, and the sword dipped downwards as it struggled to support the weight. It groaned, as if in pain.
  Sonson raised Excalibur above her head in both hands and brought it down hard, slicing the Croton's armour down the middle. As she chopped again and again, smaller pieces of armour fell to the ground as the nannites welded to them were unable to keep them mobile. "Never," she hissed through gritted teeth, "Ever," she lunged again, "Take," slice, "A," chop, "Teddy," lunge, "Bear," chop, "From," slice, "Me!"
  The final pieces of armour clattered to the ground. Sonson looked down at them, satisfied, then let her shoulders sag with exhaustion. "Gotcha," she whispered under her breath. Her words were followed by a final enthusiastic burst of fireworks above the town.
  Knew you were bluffing, Larkin said in her head. Knew that bastard didn't have you beat. The bear waddled over to her and hugged her ankle.
  "That was magnificent," Fizban said proudly, running over and throwing his arms round her.
  Sonson smiled. "I'd like to see someone find a pen mightier than this sword. Shame I can't keep it."
  Splange floated over. "What were you going to do with those?" he asked, pointing at the pieces of armour on the ground.
  "Could you manage burying them on the moon or something? Preferably with each piece a mile or so from any other?" Sonson replied.
  "Dunno," the genie shrugged. "Never tried going as far as the moon before. I'll give it a try though." He disappeared, taking the shards of armour with him.
  "Well," Fizban said, "We did want to see the new Millennium in with style. I'd find it hard to top this."
  "I'm not so sure," Sonson said tiredly. "It takes a lot to beat Friends videos and chocolate."
  "What a dull place the moon is," Splange said, popping back into view. "It's got no atmosphere."
  Christ, Larkin said in their minds. Spare me from wannabe genie comedians.
  "Charming," Splange replied. "That's the last time I save your bacon."
  Last time it will need saving, the bear countered stubbornly.
  "Shut up you two, let's go home," Fizban interrupted.
  "Good idea," Sonson agreed.

  The television was still on when they arrived back at the house. Currently it was showing scenes of a Millennium Party in the United States, where the time wasn't yet midnight. Fizban turned the volume back up to hear "1999" by Prince being played.
  "Pah!" he said dismissively as he switched the television off, "That is just soooo 20th Century."
  "Come on," Sonson said, grabbing his arm. "Bedtime. Plenty of time to make crap jokes in the morning." She dragged him out of the room, switching the light off as they left.
  Several hours later, the sun rose, bringing the first dawn of the Third Millennium.


The New Adventures of the Bonsai Tree
©2000 Gareth D Layzell.
Please do not make copies of these stories.
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The bonsai picture used in the story banner, "David's Pine", is courtesy of the Online Bonsai Icon Collection.