Dragor awoke to hear the doorbell ringing. After around ten minutes he decided that there was no one else in the house to answer it and got up himself. "What the fuck is it about bloody Grimsby?" he muttered, intending it to be a meaningless comment to himself. He should've realised that the articulate plant life of the room would pick up on it.
"Grimsby must be very good shopping!" the bonsai tree piped up.
"I believe your family went to get wallpaper and such for when the building work is finished," Welton continued.
"Although I could be mistaken," Melton added.
"I should've left you in my bedroom when I moved in here," Dragor replied, "Maybe they'd end up 'accidentally' sealing you in the wall while rebuilding it."
The doorbell continued to ring persistently. "Whoever it is, this had better be good," Dragor stated as he left the room.

The man at the door wore an odd outfit, as if he'd travelled with Mutley for several years scrounging clothes from all eras. He was slightly short, a bit podgy, and carried a long, gnarled wooden staff. "Greetings friend," he said to Dragor, "I seek the grail."
"Oh," Dragor replied, "Ni!"
"Beg pardon, friend. My name is Thomas, I am on a quest for the Holy Grail."
Dragor stared at him intensely, hoping that this would go some way towards communicating to Thomas that he thought he was quite irrevocably insane and wanted to go back to bed.
"Patience friend," Thomas said calmly, staring right back. "I have traced the grail to somewhere in this village, and have been asking around."
"So you've been going house to house asking people if they've seen the Holy Grail?"
"Yes."
"How many of them called you a Caniggit?" Dragor grinned evilly.
Thomas smiled, a slightly pained smile that suggested he had heard a joke he didn't understand several times too many.
"Nevermind," the shorter man muttered, trying to be sympathetic. "Do you know what this grail looks like?"
"No, but I shall know it when I find it."
"Yeah, and I know good sex when I get it but that doesn't make it any easier to find!" Dragor snapped.
"You think I waste your time," Thomas stated.
"Yes!" Dragor replied. Then his face mellowed. "No, it's just I've only woke up when you started ringing the doorbell, and then I had a typically frustrating conversation with my plants."
Thomas looked at him incredulously, his peaceful face replaced by one of mirth. "And you think I'm strange?"
Dragor's face reddened. "If you want strange, try Indy's place. He's got beercans and a network cable that talk to him!"
"Perhaps I should," Thomas replied, giggling. He turned and walked away from the house. "Peace be with you, friend," he called out, wracked with laughter.
Dragor stuck his tongue out, then shut the door.

"Always me who gets the nutters." Dragor muttered as he walked back into the spare room.
"Hahaha, that's bugger!" the bonsai tree replied.
"Just for once," Melton piped up, "do you think you could say something different?"
"It's very annoying," Welton concurred.
"Nevermind," Dragor interrupted. "Listen guys..."
"Plants!" Welton exclaimed.
"OK OK, listen plants (he was right, I must be mad) there's this bloke wandering around Cottingham asking people if they've seen the Holy Grail. Strike you as odd?"
"Grail must be very odd!" the bonsai tree chuckled, "like a stranging cup."
"Quite." Melton said.
"Yesyesyes," Dragor squeaked impatiently, "but what do you think I should do about it."
"Erm," Welton said cautiously, "tell him where it is?"
"Just one problem with that plan." Dragor replied caustically.
"What's that?" Melton asked cheerfully."
"Guess!" the little man replied in a voice that could unblock drains.
"You must assisting to find!" the bonsai tree piped up. "A questing help!"
"And how am I supposed to do..."
Dragor was interrupted by a sudden clap of thunder. At the same time, the sky outside became an uncomfortable shade of green. There was a flash of lightning, and the shop across the road, "McTavish's Reputable Bookmakers (Ltd.)" exploded. From the window Dragor watched as three old-looking Chinese men in black robes wandered out of the rubble, dusting themselves off as if this was an everyday occurence.
"Sorcerers!" he exclaimed. "Now why do I get the feeling this is going to have something to do with grails?"
Another exploding building further down the street heralded the arrival of five more sorcerers. Judging by the noises and clouds of smoke rising from other parts of the village they weren't the only ones. Dragor opened the window and leant out.
"What do you want?" he called out.
< We seek the talisman that resides here > the lead sorcerer shouted in Chinese.
< The Grail? > Dragor replied.
< We believe that it what it is called. It is an artifact of great power >
Dragor contemplated sending them on after Thomas, then decided that this would not be the wisest of choices. < Erm, I may be willing to help you find it, on one condition. >
< Which is? >
< You stop destroying my village. >
< Do we have to? >
< Yes. >
< Aww, but we were enjoying that. >
< I don't care. If you want my help, you have to behave. >
< Spoilsport. >
< Yes > Dragor replied, grinning. < Now > he continued, pointing < if you head that way you'll come to the village square. On the left hand side is the local assembly hall. I'll meet you there in fifteen minutes. >
< Very well, but if you are not there, we will continue to destroy buildings. You should try it, it's fun. >
"What is it," Dragor began as he shut the window, "about Cottingham that attracts all the nutters?"

Quarter of an hour later, Dragor arrived at the assembly hall, finding in excess of a hundred chinese sorcerers milling around outside.
< I did mean for you to gather inside the hall > Dragor said.
< He won't let us in > the leader replied, pointing at a man with bad stubble standing in the doorway.
Dragor walked over to the man "Can we go in?"
"Only if you join."
"Huh?"
"The hall is currently booked by the Talbot Horizon Owners Club. That means members only."
"But there's only you here."
"Membership hasn't been too good lately."
"You're the only member?"
"There were two of us last month."
"Two?" Dragor asked, sarcastically impressed.
"Well, if you count the guest speaker, yes."
"How much does it cost to join?"
"Nothing if you own a Horizon."
Dragor whispered something to the lead sorcerer, who clicked his fingers. In a puff of pink smoke, the Talbot Horizon Owners Club became a Talbot Horizon.
"I think that qualifies us for membership," Dragor said, and wandered into the hall.

< Now > Dragor shouted to the occupants of the hall < would you care to explain just what lead you to believe that the Holy Grail is somewhere around here? >
< We do not believe, we KNOW > a sorcerer replied.
< The Grail IS here > said another < we need only to find it. >
"Forget I asked." Dragor murmured to himself in English. < OK then, lets just say the Grail is here. How were you expecting to find it when all you were doing was blowing up buildings? >
< The Grail is indestructable. >
< Blowing up buildings is fun! >
Dragor buried his head in his hands. "Why me?"
There was a sound of commotion out in the village square. "What is it now?" Dragor squeaked. Looking out of the hall windows he saw what looked like a large group of armoured knights on horseback. "Oh Bollocks."
< Pardon? > the lead sorcerer asked.
< I SAID BOLLOCKS! >
< No need to shout, not my fault I don't speak English. >
< Fuck off. > Dragor walked out of the hall and into the Square.
"Greetings from Camelot!" the foremost knight shouted.
"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHERE THE GRAIL IS, OK? NOW PISS OFF!"
"Grail? Did you say grail?"
"Oh Jesus. Please, go away."
"But you just said grail."
"Forget I spoke."
"Can't you just tell us what you know about the Grail?"
"I don't know anything about it."
"Then why did you just mention it?"
Dragor gritted his teeth. "Look around you. The last people that came looking for the Grail did all this damage. Can you see now why I'd prefer it if Grail-seekers, not to put to fine a point on it, fucked right off?"
"There, you see, you mentioned it again."
"I give up." Dragor said, then walked back into the hall.

< So now we've got the Knights of the Round Table looking for the Grail too > he said as he entered the room. < Who's going to turn up next? >
< Can we blow something up now? >
"Please tell us about the Grail," said the knight, walking in behind Dragor.
"Try going to Central Park and dancing naked." Dragor snapped.
"That will show us the Grail?"
"I doubt it, but it'll get you off my back."
"I'm not on your.."
< Do something about him, please? > Dragor said, looking at the Sorcerers imploringly. There was a puff of smoke, and the Knight disappeared.
< What did you do to him? > the little man asked.
< He is now atop the clock tower. >
< I see. A sort of Knight on the Town then. >
< You could say that. > the sorcerer replied, missing the joke.
< Any chance of some sorcery lessons later on? >
< Only if we get to blow buildings up. >
< No way. > Dragor sighed. This was all getting to be a bit much. There were still a hundred or so knights outside, and the sorcerers were starting to get on his nerves.
"Hello Dragor," Fizban said, wandering in. Indy and Thomas were following behind him.
"Would one of you like to sort this mess out?"
"Oh, we can do that easily," Indy said, grinning widely. "I found the Grail."
"Oh goo... YOU WHAT??"
"The Grail was in your house!" Indy replied, laughing.
"You went in my house?"
"Well, there is this fucking great hole in the front of it."
"Didn't the builders stop you from going in?"
"They got called away on a more urgent job. Something about rebuilding a village." Indy was still in fits of giggles.
"Drags," Fizban said, doing a better job of keeping a straight face, "You remember we had to replant the bonsai tree a few weeks ago, and we used a cup?"
"Erm, yeah."
"Did you ever replant it in a proper pot?"
"No, it seemed happy enough where it was."
"Then how do you explain this?" Fizban asked, producing the bonsai tree from out of his coat. The tree was planted in an ornate stone pot.
"It is the Grail." Thomas said solemnly.
"GRAIL! A STRANGING CUP!" the tree chirped.
"My bonsai tree is planted in the Holy Grail?"
"Great innit?" Indy said, once more collapsing into fits of laughter.
Dragor fainted.
"Thomas, take him in the kitchen and get him a drink when he comes round," Fizban said, pointing.
"Very well," Thomas said peacefully, picking up Dragor and carrying him out of the main hall.
"Now," Fizban said, "if you can stop giggling perhaps we can decide what to do about this."
"I found the Grail!" Indy muttered, grinning.
"Ah, so you're going to be a lot of help then. Why don't you go get a drink too?"
"I found the Grail!"
"Indy?" Fizban said, his voice full of seriousness.
"Yes?"
"Piss off, get a drink, and stop going on about the bloody Grail."
"Oh, ok, I'll just, um, go into the, um, kitchen then," Indy said, wandering off dejectedly. "I find the Holy Grail and he tells me to piss off and get a drink," he muttered. "Bastard."

When Indy entered the kitchen, Dragor was propped up on a small moulded chair in the corner and Thomas was struggling to figure out how to turn the hot water urn on. The kitchen was a pokey little room, with two cupboards full of mugs mounted on one wall. Neither shut properly. Indy pulled four mugs out of one of them and put them on the worktop. One of the mugs caught his eye. It had the words "Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft" printed on the side.
"This," Indy said, holding it up, "is the cup of a carpenter."
"What did you just say?" Thomas asked, turning around with a start.
"Oh, nothing," Indy replied, starting to giggle again.
"Peace be with you, friend."
"Whatever," Indy said, once again getting overcome with laughter. "I found the Grail!" he shouted out, tears in his eyes as he fell to the floor in hysterics. "I found the..."
Thomas chose that point to give up with the urn, and in a moment of uncharacteristic anger pushed it onto the floor, where it landed on Indy's head. "Peace be with you, friend," he said, completely straight-faced as Indy grunted and lapsed into unconciousness.

Fizban groaned.
< We'll start blowing things up again in a minute! > the lead sorcerer snapped.
"I told you!" Fizban shouted. "I don't speak Chinese!"
The sorcerer snapped his fingers. In a puff of almost no smoke at all, Fizban was replaced by a waffle iron.
< Put him back! > Dragor yelled, emerging from the kitchen still half dazed.
< You > the sorcerer said sternly
< Grow up! >
Fizban reverted to his normal form, blinking in disbelief. "Tell that wanker he'd better not try anything like that again."
< He thanks you for returning him to his natural form > Dragor translated.
< Tell him if he was more helpful I wouldn't have changed him in the first place. Useless piece of shit. >
"He apologises for inconveniencing you."
Fizban opened his mouth to deliver a suitable retort, then thought better of it. "Listen, you've got to decide what to do with the Grail."
"Why me?" Dragor squeaked.
"Well, it was in your possession. As far as I'm concerned, it's up to you what happens to it."
"And these sorcerers and knights?"
"If you've got the Grail, chances are they'll listen to you."
"Where is the Grail?"
"Here," Fizban said, bending down and picking it up. "Your plant seems quite overwhelmed."
"If your home suddenly turned out to be one of the holiest objects in the world, wouldn't it give you a bit of a turn?"
Fizban sighed, and handed the Grail and tree to Dragor. "Think before you do anything with it," he said, patting his friend on the arm.
Dragor wandered out of the hall slowly. A couple of sorcerers pottered after him.
"Look! He's got the grail!" a knight shouted, pointing.
"HE HAS THE GRAIL!" the other knights chorused.
< Is that the Grail? > a sorcerer asked Dragor.
"WILL ALL OF YOU JUST GO AWAY!" Dragor shouted. The Grail glowed in his hands. In an instant, the knights and sorcerers vanished. He dropped the Grail in surprise. "Bugger me."
"Good job you weren't holding that thing when you said that," Fizban said, grinning as he walked out.
"Oh bother to drop me." the tree called from the ground.
"Oops, sorry," Dragor said, picking the Grail up as he did so. "Now, lets have all the buildings in Cott back as they were this morning."
The rubble disappeared, and the buildings were miraculously repaired.
"Can I have a thousand pounds?" Fizban asked.
"Of money or TNT?"
"Oh, no preference, I'm easy to please."
"No you can't. I'm getting the Grail to do one more thing."
"Which is?"
"I want it to hide itself elsewhere. I don't want Grail-seekers coming here all the time. Oh, and I don't want the bonsai tree left without a pot when it vanishes."
Obediently, the Grail disappeared, leaving the bonsai tree standing in a pot decorated with painted flowers and bows.
"So," Indy said as he emerged, scratching his head, "what did you do with it in the end?"
"He sent it away," Fizban said sadly.
"SENT IT AWAY??" Indy screamed in disbelief. "YOU PILLOCK!!"