Issue Eleven - Ticketgate

They board may have thought their troubles surrounding the West Ham replay had subsided but oh no it hasn't! Our elusive spy, Dai the Eye, hid himself away in the boardroom with a tape recorder, and listened to the hastily arranged meeting on the Monday morning after the Upton Park game to discuss the tickets for the replay. Actors will play the parts of Steve Hamer, Neil McClure, Peter Day and Mike Lewis.

Hamer: "What a great result on Saturday. Don't think anyone saw me leap up and cheer that equaliser and therefore a bumper pay day."

McClure: "Yeah, we can double our money now. Anyway, what ticketing ideas have we for the replay. Mike any suggestions."

Lewis: "Well, this is quite revolutionary but what about giving first choice to season ticket holders"

Hamer: "Err... that is quite revolutionary isn't it. Yeah, let's go with it. Let's reward the loyal North Banker. I was one of them you know, back in the 60s."

Day: "I hate Welsh people"

McClure: "That's not a constructive comment is it Pete"

Day: "I hate Welsh people"

Hamer: "I'm Welsh"

Day: "I know. I hate Welsh people"

McClure: "Shut up Peter. Right then, that's the mugs who gave us their dosh in the summer sorted out, what about the rest of them"

Hamer: "Don't know, it's difficult, we need some way of sorting them out, you know be a bit selective"

Lewis: "I know, after season ticket holders, let's sell them to people with.... two legs."

McClure: "Mmmm. Not a bad idea but still not selective enough, how about about people with two legs and.... brown hair. That's it, brown hair."

Hamer: "Yeah, I like it Neil, two legs and brown hair. But it's still not enough, "

Lewis: "How about they must have ears"

McClure: "How many ears?"

Lewis: "One or Two, it doesn't matter, as long they have at least one"

Day: "I hate ears"

Hamer: "Right then, supporters must have two legs, brown hair and at least one ear, and.... a paisley shirt with big collars."

McClure: "Who said they had to be supporters?"

Hamer: "True. People then"

Lewis: "What about a voucher scheme?"

McClure: "Nah"

Hamer: "Nope"

Day: "I hate vouchers"

McClure: "There must be something else"

Hamer: "Err..."

Day: "Umm..."

Lewis: "We could print some vouchers"

McClure: "Err..."

Hamer: "I know, I've got it, vouchers, we'll hand them out on the turnstile"

Lewis: "But we won't make any money then. Let's put them in the programmes, and make an extra 5 or 6 grand"

McClure: "It's a done deal then. People can get a ticket if they have a voucher from the Gillingham game, two legs, brown hair, at least one ear and paisley shirt with big collars."

Hamer: "Good work fellas. Tablet any one ?"