(In the woods on a dark night, a teenager runs through screaming)
RONNIE: Help me! Somebody help me! Help! That guy's gonna to kill me! Help! (A man's legs are running after the teen, his coat flying behind him looking like a cape. Help me! Somebody help me! Go away! (The man is getting closer to the teen, who's screaming frantically) Please help me!
(The teen stumbles and the man falls on top of him. The man turns the teen on his back and struggles to hold him down. He jams a wooden stake into the teen's chest. He grabs a rock and slams the top of the stake with it, pushing the stake further into the now quiet teen's chest)
(The man is a sweating Mulder! He turns to Scully's voice. She runs to them. She stops as she realizes the teen is dead. She kneels down. Mulder pulls the teen's lips apart to reveal fangs)
MULDER: Look at that. Huh... Huh?
(Scully taps her fingernail to his teeth. A denture falls down. She pulls out the fake fangs and shows them to Mulder.)
MULDER: Oh, shi...
(Mulder is sitting at his desk. Scully opens the door and peers inside. There's an awkward silence as she comes in, exchange a look at Mulder and sits.)
MULDER: Don't. (He cuts her off and points his finger at her) Don't even start with me. (He crinkles up a piece of paper and throws it across the room to the trash can. He misses, walks over and kicks the hell out of the can. Scully watches him. He stops jamming a foot down on the can and walks over to the deak.) I know what I saw.
SCULLY: Skinner wants our report in one hour. What are you going to tell him?
MULDER: What do you mean what am I going to tell him? I'm going to tell him exactly what I saw. What are you going to tell him?
SCULLY: I'll tell him exactly what I saw.
MULDER: Now, how is that different? (She gives him a look that's mildly exasperated) Look, Scully, I'm the one who may wind up going to prison here. I got to know if you're going to back me up or what.
SCULLY: First of all, if the family of Ronnie Strickland does indeed decide to sue the FBI for -- I think the figure is $446 million -- then you and I both will most certainly be co-defendants and second of all ... I don't even have a second of all, Mulder. $446 million. I'm in this as deep as you are and I'm not even the one that overreacted. I didn't do the ... (She makes a stabbing motion) with the thing.
MULDER: I did not overreact. Ronnie Strickland was a vampire.
SCULLY: Where is your proof?
MULDER: You're my proof. You were there. (She heavily exhales) OK, now you're scaring me. I wanna know exactly what you're gonna tell Skinner.
SCULLY: Oh, you want our stories straight.
MULDER: No, no, no, I didn't say that. I just want to hear it the way you saw it.
SCULLY: I don't feel comfortable with that.
MULDER: Prison, Scully. Your cell mate's nickname is going to be Large Marge. She's going to read a lot of Gertrude Stein.
(She puts her hand to her face and smiles)
SCULLY: All right.
MULDER: All right, start at the beginning.
SCULLY: The very beginning? (Mulder returns to his desk and takes a micro tape recorder from the drawer and turns it on.) Fine. (she slowly stands up and starts to pace as she talks) Yesterday morning ... when I arrived at work, you were, uh ... characteristically exuberant.
(Mulder slaps a plane ticket on the desk)
MULDER: Hope you brought your cowboy boots. (She picks it up and looks at it)
SCULLY: You want us to go to Dallas? (Mulder talks through this whole scene rapid fire while Scully is laid back, just give me the facts)
MULDER: Yee-haw! Actually, a town called Chaney, about 50 miles south of there, population 361 ... by all accounts, very rustic and charming, but as of late, ground zero the locus for a series of mysterious nocturnal exsanguinations.
SCULLY: Exsanguinations? Of whom?
(Mulder turns on a slide projector)
MULDER: How does that grab ya?
SCULLY: Is it a...?
(It's a slide of a dead cow on it's right side, left feet in the air. Rigor mortis has definitely set it)
MULDER: Dead cow! Exactly. Specifically, a dead 900-pound Holstein. Its body drained of blood as was this one, (He clicks through a series of slides of dead cows. Scully is wondering why this is important) ... this one, this one, this one, and so on. Six, all in all --approximately one a week over the past six weeks.
SCULLY: Is there any sign of --?
MULDER: Two small puncture wounds on the neck?
SCULLY: I wasn't asking that.
MULDER: Too bad. We got 'em. Check it out. (He clicks to the next slide. It's a close up picture of two puncture marks on the side of a cow's neck)
SCULLY: Well, these may be syringe marks. Their placement meant to emulate fangs. Such ritualistic blood-letting points towards cultists of some sort, in which case ... (She notices a look of bemusement on Mulder's face) What? (He laughs)
MULDER: Yeah, that's probably it, satanic cultists. Come on, Scully.
SCULLY: You're not gonna tell me you think it's that Mexican goat sucker thing.
MULDER: El Chupacabra? No, they got four fangs, not two, and they suck goats, hence the name.
SCULLY: So, instead, this would be...
MULDER: Classic vampirism.
SCULLY: Of a bunch of cows.
MULDER: And one dead human last night - a vacationer from New Jersey. (She looks at him as he leaves) Come on, we got to go.
SCULLY: Why the hell didn't you tell me that from the beginning?
MULDER: Lock the door on your way out.
(she signs with a groan)
(A view of coffins, a lot of them as we hear Scully's voice over)
SCULLY: The town of Chaney is too small to maintain a morgue facility. As such, we made our way to the Peaceful Slumbers funeral home in order to examine the body of one Mr. Dwight Funt, recently deceased.
(Mulder and Scully are standing next to a mortician in the middle of all the coffins. Scully looks around the room as she continues the voice over. We see cowboy boots, jeans, gun belt, shirt and jacket, badge, wonderful smile, and cowboy hatted fella walk in)
It was there that we were met by a representative of local law enforcement, Sheriff...
HARTWELL: Lucius Hartwell. You the FBI agents?
(Scully is now staring at the handsome officer, lost in a cloud)
MULDER: Yes. I'm ... Agents Mulder and ... (He snaps his fingers as if to remember) uh ... Scully. What do you say, we go take a look at your victim.
HARTWELL: Yeah, by all means. After you. (Mulder walks to the door, Scully and Lucien's eyes connect and she smiles)
MULDER: Come on, Scully, get those little legs moving. Come on. (Her pleasant smile turns to annoyance at Mulder and she walks to the door)
HARTWELL: Boy. (He likes her too)
(They all look at the body)
HARTWELL: Here we go.
MULDER: Nice threads. (The corpse is wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Scully snaps on latex gloves and comes up behind Mulder to look at the victim)
SCULLY: No exam has been done?
HARTWELL: No, ma'am. He's just like we found him in the motel room. Once I heard you folks were interested I figured we'd best leave it up to the experts.
(Scully smiles at him)
MULDER: Your satanic cultists have some sharp little teeth.
HARTWELL: What satanic cultists?
MULDER: Go ahead, tell him your, uh, (he makes his little fingers go into quotation marks with a goofy look on his face) "theory."
SCULLY: Well, my theory has evolved. Basically, I think that we're looking for someone who has seen one too many Bela Lugosi movies. He believes he is a vampire, therefore...
HARTWELL: They act like one. Yeah. Yeah. That makes a whole lot of sense. I think she's right.
(Scully smiles and looks down in almost embarrassment, but none the less, happy as Mulder looks bewildered)
MULDER: What about the fang marks?
SCULLY: Well, someone so obsessed might well file down their incisors. I think that a moulage casting should help us make an identification.
HARTWELL: Moulage casting, that's a good idea. (Scully is very happy. She finally has someone think she's right) Now ... now, isn't there some kind of disease that makes a person think that they're a vampire?
(Lucien walks closer to Scully, leaving no room for Mulder next to her anymore and he moves back and looks at the two of them)
SCULLY: Well, there is a psychological fixation called hematodipsia which causes the sufferer to gain erotic satisfaction from consuming human blood.
HARTWELL: Erotic. Yeah.
SCULLY: Mmm. There are also genetic afflictions which cause a heightened sensitivity to light, uh, to garlic -- porphyria, xeroderma pigmentosum.
HARTWELL: You really know your stuff, Dana.
(Mulder cuts off Scully in mid story)
MULDER: Dana?! (he laughs) He never even knew your first name.
SCULLY: You're gonna interrupt me or what?
MULDER: No. Go ahead ..... Dana.
SCULLY: Anyway ... that's when you had your big ... breakthrough ... whatever.
HARTWELL: Agent Scully, you really know your stuff.
MULDER: Sheriff, you say this man is exactly as you found him?
HARTWELL: Yes, sir, to the letter.
MULDER: Have you noticed that this man's shoes are untied? (In a voice like "Eureka! I've found the answer!)
HARTWELL: Yeah, they sure are.
SCULLY: Mulder, what's your point?
MULDER: This means something. Sheriff, do you have an old cemetery in town off the beaten path, the creepier the better?
HARTWELL: Uh, yeah.
MULDER: Take me there now. (he snaps his fingers at the sheriff)
SCULLY: Mulder ...
MULDER: Scully, we're going to need a complete autopsy on this man, the sooner the better.
SCULLY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What am I even looking for? (She walks to Mulder, who puts his hands on her shoulders and pulls her close)
MULDER: I don't know.
(He releases her and walks out. She smiles at Lucien)
SCULLY: He does that.
MULDER: Come on, Sheriff Hartwell.
(He walks by Scully and tips his hat to her)
LATER (Scully is in scrubs. She rolls a tray of surgical tools to the corpse. She talks into a micro tape recorder)
SCULLY: 4:54 PM, begin autopsy on white male, age 60, who is arguably having a worse time in Texas than I am ... although not by much. (She holds a scalpel in her hand) I'll begin with the "y" incision. (The blade falls to the floor) Yee-haw. (very unenthusiastically)
LATER (Scully plunks his heart into a scale tray and looks up at the readout)
SCULLY: Heart weighs 370 grams, tissue appears healthy. (She plunks a lung into the tray and looks at the readout) Left lung weighs 345 grams, tissue appears healthy. (She plops large intestines in the tray, it slops around over the edges and she pushes it back on the tray, looks at the readout) Large intestine ... 890 grams, yada yada yada.
LATER (The corpse is splayed open and Scully in hunched over him looking in the stomach)
SCULLY: Stomach contents show last meal close to the time of death, consisting of ... pizza. Topped with pepperoni, green peppers, mushrooms ... mushrooms ... That sounds really good. (She works the kinks out of her neck and continues)
(Scully's voice over continues)
SCULLY: Having completed the autopsy I checked into the Davey Crockett Motor Court.
MULDER: The name of it was actually the Sam Houston Motor Lodge. (The name onscreen changes to Sam Houston Motor Lodge.)
(Scully puts money in the "Magic Fingers" box, causing the bed to begin vibrating, she lays back, in heaven. She kicks off her shoes. Mulder opens the door and looks at her)
SCULLY: Chloral hydrate.
MULDER: What? (He enters)
SCULLY: What the hell happened to you? (She sits up on the bed. The whole front of his jacket and pants is full of mud)
MULDER: Nothing. Chloral hydrate?
(Scully's voice vibrates as she talks)
SCULLY: Yeah. That thing that you didn't know that you were looking for -- chloral hydrate -- more colorfully known as knockout drops. I found it in abundance when I sent the tox screen in on our murder victim. Now, seriously, Mulder. What happened to you?
MULDER: Nothing. Who slipped him the mickey?
SCULLY: My ... (She makes her fingers into quotation marks) "theory?" Your vampire. He found it necessary to dope poor Mr. Funt to the gills before he was able to extract his blood ... Probably did it to the cows, too.
MULDER: What kind of vampire would do that?
MULDER: We got another dead tourist. You got to do another autopsy.
SCULLY: Tonight? I just put money in the magic fingers!
MULDER: I won't let it go to waste.
(Mulder jumps on the bed, landing next to Scully, she wrinkles her nose at his stench. He laughs in glee as she gets out of bed and puts on her shoes. He's still laughing when she takes her coat and walks to the door)
SCULLY: This one's my room, Mulder. Don't get mud everywhere.
MULDER: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
OUTSIDE (The pizza delivery man walks to her door with the pizza as she exits)
RONNIE: Excuse me, ma'am, did you order a pizza?
SCULLY: Yeah. The guy in there'll pay for it. (She walks to the car as the delivery boy turns and we see it's the teen from the beginning of the show)
(Scully's doing another autopsy as she talks in voice over. She's not in a good mood. She goes through the motions, very sloppily)
SCULLY: Foregoing both dinner and sleep, I was soon back at the funeral home examining one Mr. Paul Lombardo from Naples ... (She slaps the objects in the tray this time) Florida. Heart ... lung... large intestine. (The large intestines slop out of the tray and to the floor, she just watches, not caring and obviously tired and put out. She has really bad neck problems as she works the kinks out as she talks slowly) As with the previous victim, it appears that the subject was most likely incapacitated with chloral hydrate, and then exsanguinated. (Her cell phone rings) The drug was either injected or ingested. I'm not sure which. (Phone rings again. She answers it) Scully. (She only hears breathing) Hello? Hello? (She hangs up, sighs, then puts on new latex gloves) Where was I? Stomach contents. (She hunches over the corpse) Stomach contents include ... pizza ... (She gasps) Chloral hydrate's in the pizza. The pizza guy. (Gasps again) Mulder!
(Scully kicks in the door with her gun drawn)
(The half eaten pizza vibrates off the bed. She sees Mulder's feet on the floor on the other side of the bed. Ronnie comes out from the side of the bed and hisses. Scully fires at him. He leaps over the bed and across the room, knocking her down. He runs outside. She rolls across the floor to the door and fires into the night)
(Mulder has his head on the desk)
MULDER: That's it?
SCULLY: Well, luckily, I'd gotten there in time. I mean, though you were drugged, you were ... more or less unharmed.
(Scully walks to the other side of the bed. Mulder's on the floor)
SCULLY: Mulder? Are you okay? (She turns his face to her and softly slaps it to wake him up. He wakes up and sings)
MULDER: Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks? (falsetto) Shaft! Can you dig it? They say this cat Shaft is a bad mother ... (falsetto) Shut your mouth! Talkin' 'bout Shaft.
(Mulder bolts out of his chair)
MULDER: I did not!
(Scully's expression seems to convey, yes you did, I saw it and you'll never live it down)
SCULLY: Long story short. Though my first four shots obviously missed Ronnie Strickland entirely, with my fifth I was able to shoot out a tire on his car, forcing him to escape on foot. I left you behind and I entered the woods in pursuit. I assumed that you were incapacitated. Then I heard screaming. When I arrived in the clearing, I found that you had caught up with him first and had ... over reacted. And that his vampire teeth were fake.
MULDER: That's what you're going to tell Skinner?
SCULLY: Well, I'm going to argue that we caught a killer -- an utterly non-supernatural killer, but a killer nonetheless. And that your zeal to catch up with him was augmented by the chloral hydrate you were given.
MULDER: You are afraid to tell the truth. (points his finger at her)
SCULLY: Excuse me?
MULDER: That's not the way it happened at all. I mean, what are you afraid of? That if you tell it the way it really happened, that you'll look like an idiot, like me?
SCULLY: Mulder? (She looks at the 'idiot') Why don't you tell me the way you think it happened? Starting at the beginning.
MULDER: You're damn right. Yesterday morning began like any other morning. You arrived at the office characteristically less than exuberant.
(Mulder gently places the ticket on the desk)
MULDER: I hope you brought your cowboy boots.
SCULLY: Why are we going to Dallas?
(In this version, Mulder is calm, collected and gives Scully every opportunity to speak her mind. Scully on the other hand is quick to grunt and be her not believing self, exaggerated)
MULDER: Actually, it's a little town just south of there called Chaney, Texas. They've had some incidents down there recently, which I think you'll agree, are pretty unusual.
SCULLY: Like what?
MULDER: Well, I-I brought some slides with which to better illustrate. Here we go. (He turns to the first slide.)
SCULLY: It's a dead cow.
MULDER: It's actually six dead cows. And here's the really interesting thing ...
SCULLY: Why am I looking at six dead cows?
MULDER: Um, well, because of the manner in which they died. All six were mysteriously exsanguinated.
MULDER: And two little puncture marks right here on the neck. Look, I got a slide of that. (He goes through each slide of the six dead cows, slowly, embarassed that she has to put up with all this. Scully looks at him to maybe speed it up and little. He finally gets to the puncture marks. She nods sharply, Yep, there it is) And, um, one dead human victim. Last night -- a vacationer from New Jersey. His body completely drained of blood and two little puncture wounds on his neck. Okay, look, Scully I-I don't want to jump to any hasty conclusions, but on the strength of the evidence that we have here, I think that what we *may* be looking at is what *appears* to be a series of vampire or *vampire-like* acts.
SCULLY: On what do you base that?!
MULDER: Uh ... well, on the corpses drained of blood and the fang marks on the neck. (She rolls her eyes and he gives a soft chuckle) But, as always, I'm very eager to hear your opinion.
SCULLY: Well, it's obviously not a vampire.
MULDER: Well, why not?
SCULLY: Because they don't exist?
MULDER: Well ... that's ... one opinion, and I respect that. Nonetheless, I'm thinking a murder has been committed here and we can go down there and help bring a killer to justice in whatever form -- mortal or ... immortal he may take.
SCULLY: It's not that Mexican goat sucker, either.
(Same scene, Mulder's take on it)
MULDER VOICE OVER: Upon arriving at the funeral home I made an interesting observation. One which you apparently didn't hear.
MULDER TALKING TO MORTICIAN: That's a whole lot of caskets.
MORTICIAN: Largest in-stock selection in the state.
MULDER: Why would a town with a population of only 361 need that?
MORTICIAN: Repeat business. (He's the only one who chuckles) Mortician humor. Excuse me. (He leaves)
MULDER VOICE OVER: Apparently your mind was somewhere else. (Sheriff Hartwell walks in. Scully is dazzled)
SCULLY: Hoo, boy.
(Mulder's version is somewhat the same in appearance, except for when he speaks, he's got massive buck teeth)
HARTWELL: Y'all must be the gov'ment people. (Mulder makes a scared face with his lips apart like Mulder's version of poor Lucien) I'm Lucien Hartwell. (They all smile at each other, Lucien in welcome, Mulder in horror, and Scully with pleasure)
SCULLY: He had big buck teeth?
MULDER: He had a slight over bite.
SCULLY: No, he didn't. (Mulder shrugs) And that's significant? How?
MULDER: I'm just trying to be thorough. So, anyway, then we went to take a look at the body.
(During this same scene, Scully is swooning over the handsome sheriff with the horrific teeth)
HARTWELL: Here we go.
MULDER: (professionally) No exam has been done?
HARTWELL: No, sir. This is just like we found him in the motel room as is.
SCULLY: (Dreamily gazing at the sheriff, repeats) No exam has been done?
HARTWELL: Uh ... No, ma'am. Once I heard y'all was interested I figured we'd best leave it to the experts. (Scully smiles broadly) Now, uh ... that can't be what it looks like, right?
MULDER: That depends on what you think it looks like, Sheriff Hartwell. Vampires have always been with us, in ancient myths and stories passed down from early man. (Scully stands behind Mulder, smiling, eyes wide, rocks from side to side, goofing around) From the Babylonian Ekimu to the Chinese Kuang-Shi to Motetz Dam of the Hebrews, the Mormo of ancient Greece and Rome to the more familiar Nosferatu of Transylvania.
HARTWELL: Mormo. Yeah.
SCULLY: In short, Sheriff, no. This can't be what it looks like. I think what we're dealing with here is simply a case of some lunatic. (She chuckles) Who, uh, has watched too many Bela Lugosi movies. He wishes that he could transfigure himself into a creature of the night.
HARTWELL: Yeah. Okay. Uh ... what she said, that's what I'm thinking, and, uh ... Yeah. (Scully loves being right)
MULDER: Still, that leaves us in something of a quandary because there are as many different kinds of vampires as there are cultures that fear them. (Scully yawns and covers her mouth) Some don't even subsist on blood. The Bulgarian Ubour, for example, eats only manure.
SCULLY: (sarcastically) Thank you.
MULDER: To the Serbs, a prime indicator of vampirism is red hair. (raises his hand to Scully's head) Some vampires are thought to be eternal. Others are thought to have a life span of only 40 days. (Scully's pointing at her watch, rolling her eyes, carrying on.) Sunlight kills certain vampires while others come and go as they please, day or night.
(Scully sighs deeply from boredom).
SCULLY: If there's a point, Mulder, please feel free to come to it.
MULDER: My point is that we don't know exactly what we're looking for. What kind of vampire, or if you prefer, what kind of vampire this killer wishes himself to be.
(Mulder notices the untied shoes on the corpse and stands with his head between his feet)
SCULLY: Now, why is it so important that his shoes were untied?
MULDER: I'm getting to it.
CEMETERY - DAY
MULDER VOICE OVER: So, while you stayed behind to do the autopsy, the Sheriff drove me to the town cemetery.
(Hartwell opens the gate and they walk through. This cemetery is certainly not off the beaten path, the creepier the better)
HARTWELL: Agent Mulder, you mind me asking you why we're out here?
MULDER: Historically, cemeteries were thought to be a haven for vampires as are castles, catacombs and swamps, but unfortunately, you don't have any of those.
HARTWELL: We used to have swamps only the EPA made us take to calling them wetlands.
MULDER: Yeah. So, we're out here looking for any signs of vampiric activity.
HARTWELL: Which would be like, uh...?
MULDER: Broken or shifted tombstones. The absence of birds singing.
HARTWELL: There you go. Cuz I ain't hearing any birds singing. Right? Course, it's winter, and we ain't got no birds. Is there anything else?
MULDER: A faint groaning coming from under the earth. The sound of manducation -- of the creature eating its own death shroud.
HARTWELL: Nope. No manuh... ma-ma...
HARTWELL: Manducation. No.
MULDER: Now, Sheriff, I know my methods may seem a little odd to you, but..
HARTWELL: Hey, look, y'all work for the federal guv'mint and that's all I need to know. I mean, CIA, Secret Service -- y'all run the show, so --
MULDER: It's just that my gut instinct tells me that the killer will visit this place. That it may well hold some fascination -- some kind of siren call for him, you know. (A horn honks)
RONNIE: Howdy, Sheriff.
(The teen delivery boy is in a red car on the street, a Gremlin)
HARTWELL: Oh, hey, Ronnie. How's it going?
RONNIE: Can't complain.
HARTWELL: Well, all right, then. (Ronnie drives off)
MULDER: Maybe after nightfall, Sheriff, but he'll come. Oh, he'll come.
(we watch the car drive off down the road)
(Mulder looking around with his flashlight)
MULDER VOICE OVER: So, we staked out the cemetery.
SCULLY: Mulder, shoelaces?
SCULLY: On the corpse. You were going to tell me what was meaningful about finding untied shoelaces.
MULDER: I'm getting to it.
(Mulder is spreading sunflower seeds around the cemetery, he gets into Sheriff's car)
MULDER: Sunflower seed? (He accidently drops some) Sorry.
HARTWELL: No, thanks. Do you mind ... (he picks up a seed that fell from Mulder's bag and tosses it) do you mind me asking you what you were ...
MULDER: Historically, certain types of seeds were thought to fascinate vampires. Chiefly oats and millet, but you make do with what you have. Remember when I said before that we didn't know what type of vampire we were looking for?
MULDER: Well, oddly enough, there seems to be one obscure fact which in all the stories told by the different cultures is exactly the same, and that's that vampires are really, really obsessive-compulsive. Yeah, you toss a handful of seeds at one, no matter what he's doing he's got to stop and pick it up. If he sees a knotted rope, he's got to untie it. It's in his nature. In fact, that's why I'm guessing that our victim's shoelaces were untied.
HARTWELL: Yeah, obsessive... Like Rain Man. (Mulder nods) It's like when that old boy dropped them matchsticks, he had to pick them all up. Same thing, right?
MULDER: Well, he didn't actually pick them up. He counted them.
HARTWELL: Oh, yeah. 247. Right off the top of your head.
MULDER: Well, if he had picked them up he would have been a vampire.
HARTWELL: Yeah. I'll tell you what. I know I'm in law enforcement, but I'd like to take him to Vegas myself. Am I right?
MULDER: Well, that would be illegal, right?
HARTWELL: He's like a little calculator.
CHARLENE (Over dispatch): Sheriff, you got your radio on?
HARTWELL: Excuse me. Hey, Charlene, what's up?
CHARLENE: I just got a call from the RV park. They got something of a situation there. Sounds like you might wanna have a look.
(They take off, lights flashing)
(There's a motor home in reverse going in circles. People watch. Sheriff and Mulder arrive. They get out of the car and watch it go by. Ronnie walks up to them)
RONNIE: Hey, again, sheriff.
HARTWELL: Hey, again, Ronnie.
RONNIE: I guess you got yourselves a runaway, uh?
HARTWELL: Well, yeah, Ronnie, I guess we do. [to Mulder] What do ya think? We ought to shoot the tires out?
MULDER VOICE OVER: Anyway, skipping ahead...
SCULLY: Why skip ahead? What happened then? (silence) Mulder? You shot out the tires, and what then?
(The motor home is still going full speed in circles, in reverse. Mulder and the Sheriff fire at the tires)
MULDER VOICE OVER: Here's something you may not know: Shooting out the tires on a runaway RV is a lot harder than it looks. (Didn't slow it down at all) I then tried a different approach. Help! (Mulder's hanging on for dear life to the back ladder, body flat to the ground. That's how he got muddy!)
HARTWELL: Come on, bird dog it! Attaway!
MULDER: Help! (He lets go, the momentum rolls him away, landing in a mud puddle. The people walk to him)
HARTWELL: Ow. How you doin' there?
(the sheriff helps him up, they stand and watch as the RV slows to a halt in front of them)
MULDER VOICE OVER: Finally, we prevailed.
(It's run out of gas. They open the door and the upper part of a man's body falls out. It's got puncture marks on the neck)
HARTWELL: That's the same as the others.
MULDER: Right down to the shoes. (They are untied)
MULDER VOICE OVER: We interviewed everyone present. No one had seen anything.
(Mulder's peaceful, tired, serene face as he talks in voice over.)
MULDER'S VOICE OVER: Tired, frustrated and lacking a solid lead, I just wanted to get cleaned up. I had the sheriff drop me at the motel, which is where I ran into you.
(At the sound of her voice, his head snaps up)
SCULLY: What do you mean you want me to do another autopsy?! (Scully is sitting on the side of the vibrating bed, screaming and talking fast, her voice vibrating ) And why do I have to do it right now?! I just spent hours on my feet doing an autopsy, all for you. I do it all for you, Mulder. You know, I haven't eaten since 6:00 this morning, and all that was, was a half a cream cheese bagel, and it wasn't even real cream cheese, it was light cream cheese. And now you want me to run off and do another autopsy? (She notices the mud) What the hell happened to you? (Scully gets up and walks to the door)
MULDER VOICE OVER: Finally... you left.
SCULLY: Don't you touch that bed.
(She slams the door behind her and the picture on the wall comes loose on the left side and swings. Mulder turns on the TV. He takes his coat off and puts it on the chair, takes off his suit jacket and drops it on the floor. He goes into the bathroom.)
LATER (Mulder's muddy shoes are on the floor)
RONNIE: Hello? Hello? Ah, hey, again. (Mulder comes out of the bathroom with just his underwear and undershirt) The lady outside, she said that, um, you'd pay for this.
MULDER: She ordered a pizza from you? Excellent. How much?
MULDER: Let me get my wallet. (He goes into the bathroom and comes out with it) How much?
RONNIE: It's 12.98.
MULDER: Okay, there's $13.
RONNIE: Okay, then. Enjoy. (The teen leaves. He opens the pizza)
MULDER: Ah, Scully.
LATER (The pizza is on the vibrating bed, two pieces missing. Mulder takes another and has trouble getting it in his mouth as his arm is locked under him on the magic fingers bed)
MULDER VOICE OVER: So, I ate your dinner. (The vibrating stops and he reaches behind him to deposit more money) And that's when I saw it. (He sees his shoes) But by then it was too late. (He realizes he's been drugged and reaches for the phone. He falls off the bed. He dials the phone)
SCULLY (on the phone): Scully. Hello? (Mulder just groans) Hello? (he sees Ronnie's shadow at the window, then he walks in the door) ... Creep. (She hangs up. Ronnie comes in. Mulder throws the phone at him and falls on the floor. Ronnie moves closer. His eyes are glow in the dark green. He hisses, and he has fangs. Mulder's hand reaches up to the night stand and grabs some sunflower seeds and throws them at Ronnie)
RONNIE: Oh, man! What'd you have to go and do that for? You are in big trouble.
(Ronnie stoops to pick them up. Mulder tries to stand up but falls on the floor)
MULDER VOICE OVER: Then I was out cold. I don't know for how long, but when I finally came to ... (Ronnie is bent over him, eyes glowing, teeth flaring, ready to bite)
(Ronnie looks at the door and stands. Scully's shots hit Ronnie square in the chest. Ronnie leaps across the bed.)
SCULLY: You're saying that I actually hit him two times?
MULDER: Square in the chest. No effect.
SCULLY: And then he sort of flew at me like a flying squirrel?
MULDER: Well, I don't think I'll use the phrase "flying squirrel" when I talk to Skinner, but ... yeah, that's what happened.
(Mulder is breaking up a wooden chair during voice over)
MULDER VOICE OVER: You checked on me, then left to pursue Ronnie Strickland into the woods. Once I recovered I knew what I had to do. (He picks up a leg shaped like a stake as it broke off, splintered)
(Ronnie running through the woods )
MULDER VOICE OVER: I caught sight of him, chased him over hill and dale, and in the end... (He puts the stake through Ronnie's heart)
SCULLY: Mulder, it's not just me. Nobody in their right mind will ever believe that story.
MULDER: Well, they'll have to, once they examine Ronnie Strickland's body.
(They both look at their watches anxiously. The meeting with Skinner is coming up)
(The coroner walks in with a clip board and walks to a slab. He turns on the tape recorder)
CORONER: Case 0026198, Ronald Lavelle Strickland. (We see Ronnie's sheet covered body with a high dome on the chest. 'Course, if you didn't know which end was up, it would look like ... oh, let's not go there! The coroner pulls the sheet back. The stake is still in his chest) Probable cause of death ... (He looks at the stake) Gee, that's a tough one.
(He pulls the stake out and walks to a table. In the background, Ronnie sits up. The coroner, hearing a noise, turns and Ronnie, eyes green. Ronnie licks his fangs, and is surprised to find he has no fangs! He attacks him anyway.)
(Kimberly, the secretary is at her desk. Mulder and Scully are sitting on the couch, waiting for the principle. Scully leans over to straighten Mulder's tie. He pushes her hands away. The phone rings, secretary answers it)
KIMBERLY: Assistant Director Skinner's office. Oh, I'm sorry, he's about to go into a meeting. Yes, it may last several hours. (Scully hears and reacts, Oh boy) You're welcome. (Scully leans over to whisper to Mulder)
SCULLY: Mulder, please just keep reminding him you were drugged.
MULDER: Would you stop that?
SCULLY: It wouldn't hurt.
MULDER: Stop it. (Skinner opens his door and sticks his head out)
SKINNER: Scully, Mulder ... (They stand quickly)
MULDER: I was drugged!
SKINNER: I want you back in Texas. Ronnie Strickland's body has disappeared from the morgue. Apparently in conjunction with this, a coroner's been attacked ... his throat was ... bitten.
MULDER: The coroner's dead?
SKINNER: No, his ... throat was bitten. It was sort of ... gnawed on. Daylight's burning, agents.
(He goes back into his office, leaving Mulder and Scully standing there in shock for a minute)
SCULLY: But ... he was dead.
MULDER: I noticed that.
SCULLY: With a stake through his heart.
MULDER: I noticed that, too.
(Mulder and Scully walk through the cemetery with their flashlights as they talk)
SCULLY: So we should find Ronnie out here because ...?
MULDER: Because tradition states that a vampire needs to sleep in his native soil.
SCULLY: But Mulder, he had fake fangs. Why would a real vampire need fake fangs? I mean, for the sake of argument.
MULDER: Fangs are very rarely mentioned in the folklore. Real vampires aren't actually thought to have them. It's more an invention of Bram Stoker's. I think maybe you were right before when you said that this is just a guy who's watched too many Dracula movies. He just happens to be a real vampire. (She looks around)
SCULLY: Well, so where the hell is he?
MULDER: What about his family -- the ones who are going to sue us for 446 million?
SCULLY: Well, an aunt and an uncle. Their mail comes general delivery to a local post office.
MULDER: No home address? (A car pulls up) That's the sheriff.
(they walk out of the gate to meet him, Scully smiling)
SCULLY: Sheriff Hartwell. (Sheriff gets out of the car)
HARTWELL: Evening, agents. I heard y'all were back in town. Thought I might be of some assistance. (As he talks, Scully flashes her teeth to Mulder and points to them. Hartwell, in fact, does not have buck teeth)
MULDER: Yeah, actually you can. You can stay behind here with Agent Scully and keep an eye on things while I check something out. (He puts his hand on her shoulder, says quietly in exaggerated Southern accent) Don't say I never did nothing for ya.
SCULLY: Where are you going?
MULDER: Where might you be living if your mail came general delivery around here?
HARTWELL: The RV park.
MULDER: You're good.
(Mulder leaves, Scully and the sheriff smile at each other)
(Hartwell pours coffee for Scully)
HARTWELL: You're very welcome. (She drinks) So what do you think about vampires?
SCULLY: You mean aside from the fact that I don't believe in them?
HARTWELL: Yeah, aside from that.
SCULLY: Well ... they're supposed to be extremely charming. Seductive. (She drinks) No, I mean ... even if they did really exist, who's to say they'd actually be like that? As Agent Mulder says, there are many different kinds of vampires.
HARTWELL: Yup. Sure are. I really need to apologize to you about Ronnie. He makes us all look bad. He's just not who we are anymore. (She realizes she's been drugged and begins to show the effects) I mean, we pay taxes, we're good neighbors. Old Ronnie, he just ... he can't quite seem to grasp the concept of ... low profile. (Scully's head falls to the seat back. Hartwell takes the coffee cup and looks away) But though he may be a moron, he is one of our own. ( He turns back to her and his eyes are glow in the dark green)
(Mulder walks up by it and steps on a pizza thingy that keeps the cheese from melting to the top of the box. He opens the door and walks in. He finds a coffin.)
MULDER: Hello? (He opens it. Ronnie's inside, headphones on and listening to something rocky) Sleeping late. (Ronnie bolts up. Mulder slams the cover shut and gets on top. The cover rocks up and down as Ronnie tries to get out.) Ronnie Strickland ... you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Come on, cut it out, Ronnie. (He looks out the window and sees the town folk walking to the motor home. Eyes glowing.) Oh damn... (He hooks his handcuffs on the handles to lock Ronnie in. He shines his flashlight around the trailer and spots some garlic bread sticks, grabs two and goes out. He shapes the bread sticks into a cross and thrusts it at the people) Back! (Doesn't work) Ahh! No!! Aaaaahh! (They all crowd around him, he's lost in a sea of vampires)
(Mulder's shoes are sticking out the driver's side. A sheriff's badge on a coat appears in the window)
SCULLY: Mulder? (Scully's wearing the sheriff's coat)
MULDER: Scully, what happened?
SCULLY: I came to in the cemetery. That's all I know.
(Mulder checks his neck in the rear view window. It's clean. He gets out of the car and looks at Scully. Mulder checks Scully's neck. It's clean. He looks down at the coat, decides to not say anything then looks around at the deserted trailer park)
MULDER: They pulled up stakes. (Mulder's all muddy and his shoes are untied. She stoops to tie them)
(Skinner's sitting behind his desk. Not amused.)
SKINNER: So, that's it? They simply disappeared without a trace. And that's exactly the way it happened from start to finish? (Mulder and Scully are sitting in chairs across from him)
SCULLY: Well, I can neither confirm nor deny agent Mulder's version of events which occurred outside my presence.
MULDER: And I can neither confirm nor deny agent Scully's version of events, but, um...
SCULLY: Anyway... I was drugged.
MULDER: That is ... essentially, exactly the way it happened.
FADE TO BLACK
MULDER VOICE OVER: Except for the part about the buck teeth.