| "Oh, to be in England ...
Now that it's stopped raining, that is."
Alan Titchmarsh glanced over at the camera as he spoke, striding up the
path to the latest of a long line of gardens; all of which had been in
need of a drastic makeover.
"Here in rural Hertfordshire, we
have been asked by the U.S. Airforce to help out with an apology to the
owner of this beautiful old Georgian house in Stevenage."
Alan turned to a man wearing the uniform of a Major in the U.S. Airforce,
who was standing beside the gate to the garden. The Major limped towards
him removing his hat at the same time. "Hello, and your name is?" Alan
said as he extended his hand to shake that of the Major.
"Hi, I'm Major Ferretti, and I'm acting as liaison between the U.S.A.F.
and the BBC." Ferretti commented, shaking Alan's hand.
There were three men and a woman standing behind the American, who all
looked as if they'd just woken up from a night on the tiles.
"And who are these people?" Alan enquired.
Ferretti gestured towards the four people, who were leaning against the
fence on the verge of a distinct slouch. "This is Colonel Jack O'Neill,
Major Samantha Carter, Doctor Daniel Jackson and Teal'c. They answer to a
wide variety of names, but tend to respond best to Jack, Sam, Daniel and
Teal’c."
Alan shook their hands as he was introduced to them and murmured words of
welcome, until he looked up at Teal'c's face. "Just the one name?" Alan
said, trying not to put his foot in it by mentioning the eye catching gold
tattoo.
"Indeed. My people customarily use only one name as an excess is
wasteful."
Alan looked Teal’c in the eye and announced. "You have to have Yorkshire
blood; only Yorkshiremen are as frugal as that."
Jack O’Neill and the rest of SG1 looked at him then at each other and
shook their heads; bemused at the thought of Teal’c wearing a flat cap and
braces.
Alan glanced over at Ferretti as he led the way around the building. "Can
you tell me what happened to start all this?" He turned the corner of the
house to reveal the garden, which stretched out in front of him for at
least a hundred feet.
The large expanse of ground was roughly
fifty feet in width with high red brick walls surrounding the area. There
was a red brick veranda backing onto the house with double glass doors
opening out into the garden about half way along the building. The veranda
was roughly five feet wide with a low balustrade and two steps down to the
garden.
Here were the types of flowers to be found in an English garden.
Everything from Alyssum to Zinnia with a few other varieties in between.
The many rose bushes hidden amongst the profusion of plants were old,
overgrown and hadn't seen a set of pruning shears in years.
A magnificent old Fig Tree grew in the
left-hand corner of the garden and provided dappled shade along that part
of the wall. The red brick path running down the centre led to a small
summerhouse at the far end, behind which could just be seen what looked
like a triffid cowering to avoid discovery.
His overall impression was that of size and depth, so with stunned
disbelief he contemplated the problem - a large crater in the ground. "Oh
my word. What on earth happened here?!"
"We had an unfortunate incident onboard a cargo plane flying over this
spot. As a result of which the plane lost a piece of cargo. As you can see
the force of impact created a large crater."
Alan Titchmarch and Ferretti walked over to the crater and stood looking
down into the hole. "It did indeed make a slight dent in the lawn."
"The U.S. Airforce have admitted liability and as such has agreed to have
the garden landscaped as compensation for the trouble we have caused the
owner."
"And as a matter of interest, where is the owner?"
"At this moment she should be sitting beside the pool of a Superior Class
Hotel in Hawaii, courtesy of the U.S. Airforce."
"Well, she won't be coming back unexpectedly from there; will she!" Alan
looked into the camera with a smile as he spoke, then turned back to the
officer and asked the most important question of all. "Just when is she
due back?"
"The plane is due to land at Heathrow at 1700 hours on Saturday which
gives you approximately six and a half days."
Alan turned to look into the camera again and said, "Well, we couldn't
speak to Mrs. Jones, but we did ask her neighbours and some of her family
what her interests and tastes were and this is what we found out."
'Cut to Video Feed'
Major Ferretti relaxed when the red light on the camera switched off and
the cameraman swung his equipment down off of his shoulder. "Mr.
Titchmarsh, did our people supply enough information for you to come up
with any plans?" Ferretti asked anxiously.
"Please, all of you, call me Alan. Sometimes I hear someone say Mr.
Titchmarch and think they're talking to my father and yes, we have ample
information"
Ferretti smirked at Alan and replied, "If we're all on first name basis
then please call me Ferretti."
Alan looked at him, raising an eyebrow. "Your name is Ferretti Ferretti?"
Alan turned around to look at the other four people, who had followed them
into the garden. "Is this an exception to the rule? Or do Americans do
this often?"
O'Neill studied him with a poker face. "No, Ferretti is the exception to
the rule. We think his first name must be so awful he refuses to use it.
Not that anyone except his mother knows what it is."
Titchmarch looked over towards the rest of the production team and they
made a gesture indicating that they were ready just as the cameraman
hefted his equipment back onto his shoulder. "I think we're ready to
continue. Is everyone else ready?"
There was a flurry of nodding as everyone brought their attention back to
what was about to happen. A member of the crew moved out in front of the
camera with a digital clapperboard. "Scene two, Day one," he said then
scurried back behind the camera.
"Action."
Alan looked around as the gate gave a high pitched squeak to see Charlie
Dimmock, Tommy Walsh and Will Shanahan coming through the gate into the
garden. The rest of the Ground Force team had arrived. "'Bout time you got
here. We were about to start without you," Alan said, smiling at them.
"Have you seen the amount of traffic on the roads today?" Tommy replied
with a grimace.
Charlie looked at them and shook her head "At least you two came up from
London. I had a problem with a diversion between Luton and Bedford that
apparently had something to do with a hijacking last night."
The SG1 team standing in the background instantly looked as innocent as
new born babes. Alan waved them over and started to introduce everyone.
"This is Tommy Walsh, who does all our hard landscaping for us, and Will
Shanahan who's his right hand man. And this is Charlie Dimmock, whose
speciality is water features, but she does turn her hand to other bits in
the garden." Alan indicated Tommy, Will and Charlie in turn. He then
turned and started to introduce the SG team to the Ground Force Team.
"Let's see if I've got this right, Jack, Daniel, Sam, Teal'c and
Ferretti," each of whom nodded when their names were said. "Now that we've
got that out of the way, here's what I have planned." Alan looked at the
SG1 team as he turned the pages on his large artists' book.
"Considering Mrs. Jones is into archaeology in quite a big way, I thought
that a small part of Ancient Egypt would be appropriate for her."
Daniel brightened. "I'd certainly like to see that!"
Alan held up the page with the design. "I did a lot of reading about
garden design in Egypt and apparently the Egyptians were into symmetry and
straight lines in a big way, so Tommy’s spirit level will come in handy."
He glanced at the builder as he spoke. "Now, picture a rectangular pool
covered in blue and white lotus plants with fish swimming gracefully
between the stalks."
Charlie peered over Alan’s shoulder as she cooed into his ear. "Oooh! A
water feature just for little me."
Alan rubbed at his ear with one hand while glaring at Charlie. "As I was
saying; picture a rectangle, in fact picture two, one inside the other
with a gap in the outer rectangle at the bottom and the top missing
altogether. The outer one would be straight beds with lines of trees
planted for shade, with shrubs and smaller plants arranged around them."
Daniel started to nod as the design was explained.
"Then at the far end of the garden we could erect an archway with a small
rill of water running down to the pool through it. The Egyptians would of
course have a canal with boats on it, but we don’t have the space for
anything like that."
"Thank heaven for that," Tommy mumbled.
Alan turned to Sam "I was told that you were bringing in a replica of the
item that caused the hole."
"Actually, it’s a replica of the item inside the crate that caused the
hole," Sam corrected solemnly.
"Yeah, it was an Egyptian artefact discovered on the Giza Plateau back in
the 1930's." Jack commented straight faced as the rest of the team looked
at him with disbelief.
"If you stand it up and then sink it about ten feet in to the ground you
won't have to build an archway either," Daniel said ingeniously.
"How big is this artefact?" Tommy asked.
"It's about twenty feet in diameter, why?"
Tommy started to look thoughtful. "I'm wondering about whether we need
planning permission."
Jack shuddered at the thought of bureaucrats. "I'm sure our people can
talk to your people and sort out anything that comes up."
Alan looked at them with a raised eyebrow "Have you finished 'digging
holes' in my plans? And do you want to hear the rest?"
Charlie bantered with the SG team members "We'd better let him finish or
we'll never hear the end of it," she said lightly.
Alan shook out the pad and smoothed the page down. "Around the pool there
would be slabs of yellow Yorkstone paving, then we would use hybrid trees
and shrubs of the kind usually found in hot dry countries which would give
the effect we would want."
Charlie studied the plan "Umm … what type of plants were you thinking of
for that area?"
Alan peered at her over the top of the pad. "Phoenix theophrastii, the
Cretan Date Palm which is the hardiest of its type in this country and
well suited for the outdoors. The Cytisus battandieri, otherwise known as
the Pineapple or Moroccan Broom, and several other Mediterranean plants,
why?"
Charlie "Dimples" Dimmock smirked. "Just wondered."
The Titchmarsh settled its ruffled feathers and yet again held up the art
pad. "Then this end of the pool dividing the garden in half would be an
Egyptian style Canopus..."
"Pardon?" said eight voices in unison.
With a lofty sniff of disdain Mr. T continued. "A Canopus is a series of
linked arches, in this case a series of stone pillars with the papyrus and
lotus motif around the top of each one and a roof linking all the pillars
together." The pad was shaken out yet again as Alan got back into the
swing of things. "Then on the high walls surrounding the garden itself,
there will be paintings of the pyramids and a few hieroglyphs to add
atmosphere to the whole idea."
Daniel perked up at the last part and asked, "Do you want the hieroglyphs
to say anything in particular?"
Tommy turned to look at Daniel and grinned "Mr. T. woz 'ere," he said as
the others laughed at Daniel's and Alan's expressions.
"How about the story of how all this came about?" Charlie piped up
enthusiastically.
"That I can do," Daniel said thoughtfully as he nodded his agreement.
"And finally from the centre of the garden up to the edge of the veranda
is a pergola with loads of grape vines and clematis climbing through them
to provide some colour on this side of the Canopus. And to finish it off
we lay new turf around the edges of the flower beds and along both sides
of the pergola." Alan closed the pad with a loud snap. "Right, now who's
going to do what? We need to start stripping the lawn, dig up the plants
and transplant the ones we're keeping and also prepare the hole for work."
Jack looked around at the rest of the team. "Okay. Ferretti, go and change
out of that uniform then as you're still limping you can do the things
that require little moving about, so you stick with Alan. Sam, you help
Charlie, Teal'c you help Willie, which leaves Daniel and I to help out
Tommy down in the Pit." O'Neill looked at Alan "Is that okay with you?" he
asked somewhat belatedly.
Alan nodded as he shoved the pad under his arm then rubbed his hands in
glee. "We have the time, the people and a budget the likes of which you
wouldn't believe. Let's get started."
As Ferretti limped back into the garden having changed out of his dress
blues and into jeans and T-shirt, he was astounded at how far the work had
already gone. He could see Sam and Charlie over towards one side of the
garden and from the laughter coming from the pair of them they appeared to
be getting on well with each other. There were also several large black
bags stuffed with weeds and old plants that were starting to form a
pyramid on the lawn that hadn’t been there when he’d gone to change out of
his uniform just a short time ago.
Alan was clearing the garden walls of their growth of moss and trying to
remove at least a century's worth of grime and dirt with a wire brush.
Tommy on the other hand was using a sledgehammer to break up the old
concrete pathway that went straight up the centre of the garden; except
where it was bisected by the crater.
Teal’c had been out the front with Willie helping to unload the hardware
that was needed for this job, which included a miniature digger, a cement
mixer and the weird thing Jack was trying to steer in a straight line that
stripped the turf. Ferretti slowly developed a grin at the sight of Daniel
following Jack's almost straight path around the garden, trying to roll up
the turf that had been cut in the process.
The limp seemed to get worse as Ferretti made his way across the garden,
past Jack and Daniel's meandering path through what had once been a lawn.
As he approached Titchmarch he wondered how long it would take O'Neill to
figure out he hadn't been injured as badly as he was making out.
The strobe effect startled them as lightning flashed overhead and the rain
came down in sheets. The SG1 Team were astounded at the speed the Ground
Force Team had waterproof tenting up and over the areas in the garden they
were working on that needed to be kept dry. Jack looked at Tommy and
wondered about the fact of having so much canvas handy as he helped anchor
the awning over the crater. "Do you have to do this often?" he asked.
Tommy grinned at him as he hammered a stake into the ground. "You get used
to it. After all it’s rained every time we’ve done a garden"
Daniel looked at him quizzically. "Every time?"
Tommy nodded as he tied the rope to his stake "We even did a garden in
South Africa for Nelson Mandela and guess what?"
Jack and Daniel looked at each other and said in chorus. "It rained?"
In another part of the garden Alan was putting the lids back on the tins
to keep the rain from diluting the primer that he and Ferretti had been
slapping on the garden walls. Alan couldn’t believe how inept the American
was at wielding a paint brush, and the sight of him trying to remove the
splodge of primer from the end of his nose seemed to prove this point.
Ferretti on the other hand was remembering old times as he hadn’t painted
any walls since his bad experience with his Uncle Jed’s outhouse, which
according to the base psychiatrists, had badly scarred his mind at an
early age.
"Have you always been this clumsy or did you have to work at it?" Alan
questioned.
Ferretti shook his head as he rubbed his nose with a rag soaked in
thinners. "It’s a long time since I’ve used a brush, and no one would let
me touch one after the last time."
Alan studied him carefully as he queried, "What happened last time?"
Ferretti struggled to hide a developing grin as he remembered what
happened to his poor Cousin Jethro. After all revenge had been sweet.
"During Summer Break one year when I was about eleven, my Mom thought I
should visit some of my cousins up in the Mountains. We took to each other
like a house on fire and where one went the rest would follow. "
Alan looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "And?"
The American looked at Alan as he told the tale with some relish. "One of
our chores was to paint the Outhouse, which we did to the best of our
abilities, every part of the John got two coats of paint. Including the
seat. "
Alan winced at that thought.
"Now, Cousin Jethro himself said we had to use all of the paint on the
Outhouse or he'd see to it we had trouble with our Aunt, so we had to get
rid of the last of the paint, so it got emptied down the hole." Major
Ferretti snorted with laughter as he recounted the misdeeds of his youth.
"I didn’t know that paint fumes were explosive if you struck a match."
Alan winced as the scene ran through his head. "Enough said, I think!"
The American finally got the last of the primer off of his nose as he
looked up at Alan. "The memory of Cousin Jethro being carted off to the
hospital with the seat of the john still attached to him became one of my
fondest memories. That’s probably why I’m so good with explosives."
In the meantime Sam and Charlie had been having fun digging up rose bushes
and as usual the roses were winning. The flash of lightning startled Sam
as she pulled her sleeve away from the grasp of what had to be the Apophis
of rose bushes and relished the chance to get her own back with a pair of
secateurs.
Charlie was also struggling with one of the older rose bushes that hadn’t
been cut back for years. "Just watch yourself with those secateurs.
They've been known to slip when you’re cutting wet roses," she warned
Carter quickly.
Sam nodded as she disentangled herself again. "I’m thinking of bring a Zat
with me tomorrow, ‘cause there has to be an easier way"
Charlie straightened up and looked at Sam. "What’s a Zat?"
Sam thought quickly as she tried to cover her slip. "It’s a type of
flame-thrower that could be used for clearing these blasted rose bushes."
They both turned around and looked at the rest of the garden that had to
be cleared; including what looked like a form of triffid hiding out at the
end of the garden.
"A Zat could prove useful. Any idea where we can get one from?" Charlie
asked hopefully as the rain finally drenched them to the skin.
Willie dragged a bag of cement to the side of the truck, where Teal’c was
waiting to take it from him. They’d already unloaded the larger machinery
that would be needed by Tommy some time in the future and stored it just
inside the garden where there was an awning set up as a shelter. "Teal’c,
if you could help me stack these just inside the garden gate that’ll be a
help," Willie said in his lilting Irish voice.
"Indeed. We must hurry before it is ruined by the rain."
Willie stood upright and looked at Teal’c with a mystified expression as
the sky opened up and the rain started to come down as if for a remake of
the Flood. "Ah! That’s not rain that is just a wee mist. If you want to
see it rain you come to Ireland and I’ll show you rain. "
Teal’c raised his right eyebrow as he remembered with hidden amusement
that Daniel Jackson had warned him that some of the Tau’ri were prone to
exaggeration.
A drenched Alan Titchmarsh turned to face the camera at a throat-cutting
signal from the producer. "Well, it’s nearly 6 o’clock in the evening on
Day One. It’s wet – very. I’m miserable, hungry and could do with a pint
and I’m sure everyone else here agrees with me. So until tomorrow, good
night!"
All four groups of gardeners and landscapers turned as they heard a voice
call "Cut" and the producer squelched his way towards Alan Titchmarsh.
"Alan, that’s it until tomorrow. We're going to have to stop, it's going
to take several hours to dry out the cameras as it is and there's no point
in any of you hanging around and getting pneumonia."
Alan turned to look at both teams "Last one down the pub gets to buy the
drinks."
And led the stampede towards the nearest Public House.
Day Two
The camera panned over the scene as a new day started in Stevenage. As
Alan Titchmarsh led the way up the path towards the garden gate, he could
see assorted bodies just lying on the ground waiting for them.
Tommy walked up to where O'Neill lay flat on the ground with his cap over
his eyes and looked down at him. "What time did you get here?" he queried
as he stood there with his hands stuck in the pockets of his shorts.
Jack reached up and lifted his cap away from one eye to reveal a pair of
dark aviators’ glasses. He looked up at Tommy and squinted in the strong
sunlight, then spoke as he replaced the cap over his glasses. "About two
hours ago. We forgot you were civilians and that you wouldn't get up the
same time as us."
Daniel scrambled to his feet as Charlie reached him. She looked him in the
eye and studied him for some signs of a hangover. "How's the head this
morning?"
Doctor Jackson looked at her mystified, until he remembered the night
before and the amount drunk between them in the Pub. "Considering what we
were drinking last night I'm surprised I feel as well as I do," he
admitted said thankfully.
A grunt from ground level interrupted them. "Speak for yourself," O'Neill
groaned as he dragged himself upright, trying to keep his dark glasses
carefully positioned in front of his aching eyes.
Tommy stood with his thumbs hooked into his tool belt and gazed at the
almost denuded garden in front of him. It was a large expanse of bare
earth with a Fig Tree in one corner and a jagged hole in the centre. "I
wonder why it is that square things that fall from a great height never
seemed to leave a square hole," he mused aloud.
Sam studied the crater. "There is an answer to your question but you’d
need to be an astronomer or a munitions expert to understand it."
"Right, the plan for this morning is to layout the garden, then carry on
with the walls, while Tommy and a couple of volunteers dig out the crater
and a trench for the artefact. As we have more than the usual two days, we
can sort out the rest tomorrow," Alan said breezily. He looked at the
assembled teams and then down at the huge bundle of stakes and string he
held in his arms. "In the meantime, anyone for a Cat's Cradle?"
The four members of SG1 shuddered in unison as they suffered an extreme
case of déjà vu at the mention of the Cat's Cradle, and memories of the
briefing back at Stargate Command sprang into their minds.
Alan studied them curiously for a moment and pondered on why a child's
game would have that effect on them.
Tommy was the first to move and reached over his shoulder to take some of
the stakes and string from him. "Let's get this set out then I'll go and
see to excavating the hole," he announced jauntily.
"Yeah, times a-wasting so let’s get this show on the road," said Charlie
as she took up a ball of string and several stakes of her own.
Tommy stood up to his waist in the middle of the crater, with a spirit
level in one hand and a ball of string and a couple of stakes in the
other, walking around in the middle of the pit to study the angles of the
job ahead of him.
Alan ambled over and stood on the edge behind him. "Being all artistic
now, are we?"
Tommy turned 'round and squinted up at him, slung his level up onto one
shoulder and started to sing with just a touch of sarcasm.
"There I 'woz a digging this hole,
Hole in the ground,
So big and sorta round it 'woz,
And there 'woz I a digging it deep,
It was flat at the bottom and the sides were steep."
He punctuated the song with the spirit level and stakes as if conducting
an orchestra.
"When along comes this bloke in a bowler,
Which he lifted and scratched his head,
Oh, he looked down the hole,
Poor demented soul, and he said..."
Alan joined in by making grand gestures to an invisible orchestra, looking
down at Tommy, then up at the camera.
"Do you mind if I make a suggestion," Alan said using an upper crust
accent, as if he were the gent in question.
"Don’t dig there, dig it elsewhere,
You're digging it round and it ought to be square,
The shape of it's wrong, it's much too long,
And you can't put a hole where a hole don’t belong".
Alan grinned at the camera as he headed back to his wall painting, leaving
behind a stunned Stargate team.
Tommy stood in the centre of the hole and gave a jaundiced look after Mr.
T., turned and looked at Jack and Daniel, then leaned on his shovel and
said. "He's lucky we finished that where we did 'cause I remember the last
lines of that song."
Daniel glanced at Jack then
over at Tommy. "What are the last lines?" he asked curiously.
Tommy grinned as he spoke the last two lines. "Well, it's not there now,
the ground's all flat and beneath it is the bloke in the bowler hat."
Jack turned his head to look at Daniel and groaned. "You would ask,
wouldn't you?"
And retreated, shaking his head in disgust.
As Alan and Tommy stepped back onto the veranda at the back of the house
after finishing the layout of the garden, Ferretti reached into a cooler
that had been strategically placed under one of the tarpaulins with the
cement and sand. He then placed cold beers into the hands of the two
Ground Force members. Alan looked down at his can then up at Ferretti.
"Where on Earth did this come from?" he asked in awe.
Ferretti looked him in the eye, keeping a straight face, as he replied
solemnly, "Jack named me Essential Supplies Officer, then told me to get
on with it."
Tommy grinned as he opened the can and looked out over the garden. The
area was now covered in a maze constructed out of stakes with lengths of
string connecting them.
Charlie leaned back against the house and studied the men covertly while
talking to Sam. "They don't remember, do they?" she asked, restraining a
giggle.
"Nope, not a thing." Sam had more experience at controlling a smirk.
"I don't think the Stevenage Swordsmen will forget last night in a hurry
either." Charlie gave up and started to laugh.
"They were a sight, weren't they? What with their trousers tucked into
their socks and then getting tangled up with the Longswords when they did
that dance!" Sam replied, still trying to control herself and then she
tried to muffle a laugh as the straw that broke the camel's back was
mentioned. "And J..Jack in that blond wig…." she stuttered.
They both needed the wall to stay upright by this time.
"When are you going to get the photographs developed?" Charlie gasped as
the giggles turned to hiccups.
"I don't know, but I'll send you copies when I get them done," Sam said as
she wiped the tears from her eyes.
There was a roar of machinery being started and a miniature digger
trundled around the corner and into the garden and almost ran over
O'Neill, who was sitting on the ground just inside the garden.
Teal'c guided the small machine with the same ease he turned to flying
death gliders.
"My apologies O'Neill, I did not see you down there."
Teal’c was enjoying himself immensely, he had control of a machine the
likes of which he wished he’d had on Chulak in his youth. When he’d been
young, before he’d been picked to serve Apophis, it had been his task to
work on his family’s land and this "digger" would have made life easier
when it was time to dig or clear the irrigation channels in the fields.
And now it was his pleasure to dig out the earth from within the staked
area. He’d already made a good start by filling the hole left by the
crated Stargate with earth dug up from the other end of the pool.
Daniel and Jack stood beside the hole with wheelbarrows, ready to remove
the excess soil to one side of the garden as Teal’c scooped dirt up in the
bucket of his digger and trundled towards them.
"Daniel, did you get a chance to have a look at the measurements for this
little endeavour?" Jack asked as he tried to straighten his back.
Daniel examined the blisters on his hands then looked up at O'Neill. "Oh
yes, according to the plans this is no pond, it's a swimming pool."
The Colonel turned a jaundiced eye on the Archaeologist. "For heaven's
sake just tell me the worst."
Daniel quailed under the Colonel's gaze. " It's got to be 30 feet long and
20 feet wide with a minimum depth around the edges of 18 inches going to a
maximum depth of 24 inches in the middle," he said hurriedly.
O'Neill studied the shallow trench in front of them and pressed his hands
into the centre of his back in an effort to relieve the strained muscles.
"By the time we've finished here, Apophis will be able to just walk in and
just take over 'cause we are gonna be in no shape to oppose him," he
grumbled to himself.
Daniel stepped up beside him to examine the work done so far on the pool.
"I think we may need more help."
Jack gave a wince as his back complained loudly. "Ya think?!"
The screech of brakes engaging, shattered the relative quiet of the
residential area and Willie and Ferretti turned round to stare as two
large trucks pulled up along side them. Willie moved toward the first
truck, announcing to Ferretti "I wondered when they’d get here."
Ferretti studied the writing on the sides of the trucks. "I think we’re
going to need an army to unload this lot and I know exactly where to find
it," he said as he turned to go through the gate into the garden and
stepped carefully over the bags of cement and sand that had slipped down
onto the pavement, when Teal'c had driven past with the Digger. As
Ferretti moved past the obstacle course, the scene of frantic activity
appeared before him.
Charlie and Sam were digging a pit just in front of where the Stargate was
going to be set up while Teal'c was whizzing around nearby on the digger.
Jack and Daniel had formed a convoy of their own with the wheelbarrows and
were moving topsoil to specified places in the garden.
Tommy was digging the holes for the pergola, keeping an exact distance
between where the posts had to be set.
And last but not least, Alan was copying hieroglyphs from sheets of paper
feverishly onto the back wall.
Ferretti studied the two teams who worked so diligently in front of him
and called out to Alan Titchmarsh. "Alan, we have a couple of trucks just
pulled up out front."
Mr. T. dropped his pencil and paintbrush and hurriedly put the lids back
on the tins of paint yelling back at the same time. "’Bout time they got
here!"
He was half way across the garden before he finished the sentence.
"Well, it’s half one on day two and the trucks containing the paving slabs
and turf have arrived. Still no sign of any plants or the Canopus, which
in a way is a good thing, ‘cause we’ve no where to put them," Alan told
the camera wryly. The cameraman focused in on the gardener as Alan
gestured to the huge mound behind him. "Thankfully we don’t have to put
the Canopus up when it arrives as it comes with four men to put all the
bits together and then erect the monument in position."
Muffled cheers could be heard coming from out of camera shot.
Alan turned and looked off camera towards where the rest of the teams were
standing and watching him. "And as for you lot, don't just stand there,
get back to work, and remember that times a-wasting." Pausing, he looked
ruefully back at the camera and muttered in an aside, "I wonder if they
had this much trouble building the pyramids?"
He then stomped back across the garden to carry on painting the wall.
Teal'c glanced around at the rough bottom of the pond, and checked the two
ledges that went all the way round the pool providing steps up to ground
level. He had scooped out as much soil as he could with the digger, trying
to level the three surfaces for the next step that apparently required
much use of soft sand.
Now as he carefully manoeuvred the digger up the slope that Daniel had
built, using broken bricks and earth, Teal'c admitted to himself that that
it had been enjoyable.
Daniel and Jack leapt down into the pit and started to dismantle the slope
to reveal the finished area. "See Jack, I told you archaeological finds
could be useful in modern day society. After all I built the slope after
the fashion of the ancient Egyptians." Daniel enthused smugly.
"Ya mean, like the way the Islanders of Rapa Nui transported the heads
from the quarry to their resting sites using palm trees as rollers and we
still use the same means of transport for large objects today?" Jack said
knowledgeably.
Daniel's jaw dropped as he gazed at O'Neill in shock, his train of thought
having been thoroughly derailed.
"Umm! Yes, exactly. What was I saying?" Daniel mumbled distractedly.
"Touché," murmured O'Neill with a smirk.
Jack, Daniel and Teal'c seemed mesmerised as they stood and watched Tommy,
Alan and Charlie measure the depth of the hole at several places along its
length.
"Okay, it's deep enough and it's level all the way from one end to the
other… 'sorta, but once the sand and the liner's down it'll be just the
right depth on all three levels for the aquatic plants we're expecting."
Charlie stood in the centre of the excavation and looked up at the men
standing above her on the edge of the pool. "Right, bring on the sand,"
she ordered briskly, indicating the mountain of sandbags stacked on the
patio.
"Oh, my aching back," Jack grumbled as he bent over to pick up the first
of many bags.
Daniel picked up the next bag with a grunt of agreement and staggered
after O'Neill.
Teal'c studied the mound of Sandbags and then the digger. "O'Neill, would
it not be easier to load the sand onto the digger and drive it into the
garden?"
O'Neill staggered back up the garden holding his back. "Glad you thought
of that now and not later," he said heading straight for the digger.
"I shall drive this machine as I have prior experience," Teal'c said
firmly, slipping into the seat while Jack was still feet away from the
digger.
O'Neill gave him a wary look and decided from Teal'c expression that the
Jaffa was not going to be parted from his new toy. "Okay, I'll load this
end, you drive down to the other end of the pool before unloading and
Daniel can help Charlie spread the stuff." He decided, still rubbing his
back.
"Agreed, O'Neill, an amicable arrangement," Teal'c said as he started the
motor.
"Right. That's the sand smoothed and I reckon MacGyver would be right
proud of us," Charlie said as she stood back to examine the finished
surface.
"Yeah. Glad I had that idea of attaching those empty bottles to long poles
to use as smoothers," Daniel replied, brushing the sand from his hands and
knees.
"It's a pity Tommy slipped and fell in and we had to do that bit again."
Charlie mused, indicating the top right hand corner. She glanced around
counting heads. "It's going to be all hands on deck getting the liner in
place," she added, rubbing her grubby hands together.
Colonel O’Neill glanced round, checking to see who was close as he
beckoned Sam and Ferretti over to him. "Well people, it’s time to bring in
the Gate."
Sam looked at O’Neill and nodded. "Agreed, Colonel. If Major Ferretti can
acquire the Chopper again?"
O’Neill looked Ferretti in the eye then glanced down at the Major’s foot.
"As you’ve fully recovered from your little encounter with the hook, I’m
sure you and Carter can handle collecting the Gate between you."
Ferretti braced himself and manufactured an innocent expression. "How…?"
O’Neill shook his head and pushed his sunglasses back up his nose. "How
did I know - what’s that quaint phrase they use over here? Oh, yeah! - you
were swinging the lead?"
Ferretti started to relax as it occurred to him that Jack had known about
his foot for quite a while. "Yes sir, how did you know?"
O’Neill smiled as he leaned back against the wall. "When you develop a
limp you really should stick to limping with the same foot!"
Sam tried to conceal a developing grin with her hand, as she saw Ferretti
lose his composure with a flush.
O’Neill straightened up from his slouch against the wall, and clapped his
hands. "Right kiddies, let’s get this show on the road."
A heavily laden truck rumbled slowly down the road and pulled to a stop
with a squeal of brakes outside the house. The door of the cab was thrown
open and the driver climbed down, clutching a bundle of papers. "Is there
a Mr. Titchmarsh around here somewhere? We have a Canopus for him," he
said to a cement covered Willie.
"Yes, he’s round the back in the garden. Hold on and I’ll yell for him,"
Willie answered leaning his shovel back against the wall. "Hey Alan, yer
monuments’ arrived!" Yelled Willie as he brushed some of the cement dust
from his hands.
There was a faint clatter as Alan almost fell off the stepladder from
where he was still painting hieroglyphics on the back wall.
"Well, that got his attention. Do you need a hand with the unloading?"
Willie asked as he turned to the driver and indicated the back of the
truck.
Alan stood back as the four guys manhandled the trolley containing parts
of the Canopus through the gate and into the garden. There were a lot of
stone blocks coming through, each part was a minimum of two feet in
diameter and they made up four circular columns that would stand fourteen
feet tall with papyrus and lotus caps on the top of each.
When the columns had been raised equidistant from each other, there would
at either end a square pillar supporting the flat capstones that joined
the whole Canopus together along the top. Then, when all the columns and
pillars were up, the low wall that connected one side to the other would
be built with a six foot gap in the centre for the path to go through.
Alan watched as the steel rods that supported the columns were sunk seven
feet into the ground, then turned to look into a camera. "They certainly
won't be falling over in a hurry, will they?!" he said wryly.
The Butyl liner was winning, so far it had seven people in its grasp and
it wasn't letting go, it’s relationship to the legendary creature from the
Black Lagoon was obvious to those who were rapidly loosing their grip.
Charlie stood bare footed in the excavation, holding the centre of the
liner. "Okay, Alan and Tommy move in about a foot or two and lower your
edges, the rest of you move towards me slowly and don't fall in! I don't
want the liner ripped with your clod hopping great feet!"
"She's not going to let me forget that you know," Tommy moaned.
"Indeed she will not," Teal'c agreed while holding onto one corner of the
liner.
"It can happen to anyone you know, one moment you step back to admire a
view and the next you're up to your neck in Nile water," Daniel mused.
"Do tell us more," Jack said, holding his edge firmly.
"Is this something you want to tell us DanielJackson?" Teal'c inserted
hastily.
"I had a bad case of De Nile followed by a worse case of Ramesses Runs
after that little mishap," Daniel said with a straight face.
There was a loud cry of "DANIEL!!" accompanied by groans that came from
those holding the liner and the camera crew.
"Daniel, please control yourself … especially while we can't defend
ourselves." O'Neill stated, gritting his teeth.
"Come on guys, let's get this part laid," Charlie said as she stepped on
the liner to start smoothing out the wrinkles.
They started to move forward with the liner as Charlie pushed it into
place up to the edge of the bottom level and up on the ledges with a
shuffling step that reminded Daniel of an old Sand Dance routine.
Finally satisfied, Charlie climbed to her feet and stepped back and
studied the liner that covered the left-hand side of the excavation. "Yep,
that'll do for that side, we just have to lay the other side and bond it
down the centre, then we can fill it."
The muted sound of a helicopter in the distance disturbed the faint
trickle of water filling the pool; it sounded as if a swarm of angry bees
were headed towards them. O’Neill sat back on his heels and absently
tapped his trowel against the flagstone as he looked in the direction of
the faint sound.
Tommy looked up from the paving slab he was manoeuvring into position and
dropped his trowel into the bucket beside him. "What’s up?" he queried as
he tapped the slab into position with a large rubber hammer.
Jack climbed to his feet, brushing off the knees of his trousers as he
did. "If I’m not mistaken, that sounds like Sam and Ferretti in the
distance."
"How can you tell?" Tommy said as he dumped the hammer beside the bucket.
"There’s a big difference in the sound an engine on a Chinook makes when
compared with a small passenger helicopter. Besides a Chinook has two
blades and makes a different sound altogether," O’Neill explained peering
up into the sky.
Tommy stood up and gazed up at the sky in imitation of Jack O’Neill. "I
knew that," he murmured and wondered why the American gave him a strange
look.
They could see a black blob about half an inch across flying towards them
from the direction of St. Albans. As it got closer the blob separated into
two parts, the helicopter and the Stargate suspended beneath.
Alan drifted over to join them from where he’d been studying the finished
Canopus. It had only taken the four men a little over four hours to erect
the Egyptian Arches. He looked up into the sky and focused on the object
suspended below the helicopter. And one thought ran through his head, "By
Eck, that’s some garden ornament!!" he stated in amazement. "I still say
there’s nowt wrong with a gnome!"
Tommy’s eyes flickered between the trench at the head of the water feature
and the incoming Stargate as it became clear that the helicopter was
indeed coming towards them. "Bloody Hell, I hope the hole's deep enough!"
Jack started to walk to the head of the garden, pushing the wheelbarrow
full of cement that he’d hijacked from beside Tommy ahead of him. "Well,
gentlemen I suggest we get into position fast or Sam’s going to drop it
anywhere. And, considering who she has with her up there, she’d probably
like to drop it on Ferretti."
Sam studied the controls before her and wondered if she switched on the
autopilot on the chopper anyone notice her pushing Ferretti out of it from
a great height.
Justifiable Homicide had such a nice ring to it and if the
jury heard the full story she’d probably get off scot-free. The trip down
to Bovingdon Aerodrome would have made a saint commit murder. If Ferretti
hadn’t been her navigator on this little trip he’d never have survived the
trip down the A1 motorway.
He’d been using a form of navigation that had never seen the inside of a
Military Academy. At least none she’d ever heard of. Apparently one of his
cousins who was in the British Navy used it. And if she heard him say
"Left hand down a bit" one more time, she’d show him what he could do with
his book of maps.
If that wasn’t bad enough, he kept saying "Oops" at the most inappropriate
times. Usually as they passed the turn-off they needed.
Once they’d collected the Chopper and flown to Elstree where they picked
up the Stargate, the rest was plain sailing. Sam grinned openly when she
remembered where they’d stashed the Gate. Talk about in plain sight,
everyone just assumed it was a prop for the latest Science Fiction movie
being made at the Studios. Still the end was now in sight; except for
taking the Chopper back and perhaps somehow getting her revenge on the way
back.
Sam glanced out of the cockpit window and down into the garden where she
could see the Colonel pushing a wheelbarrow of what looked like cement
towards the trench prepared for the Stargate.
Willie was shovelling sand and cement into the mixer as if there were no
tomorrow, Charlie was trying to anchor the liner with rocks and Daniel was
helping her.
Alan was standing by the paving that had been laid since they'd left to
collect the Gate.
Which left Tommy and Teal'c standing beside the trench, preparing to guide
the Gate into position.
Ferretti called out to her over the headphones, indicating the ground as
he did so. "They've done a lot since we've been gone haven't they?" he
yelled.
Sam nodded and indicated out of the window "I wonder where that thing came
from?" she said, pointing towards the Canopus that hadn't been there when
they'd left.
The Helicopter hovered over the garden, creating a vortex of turbulence.
Alan could see a helmeted figure leaning out of the side of the vehicle,
as he watched he saw Ferretti throw a cord down to Jack O’Neill.
Jack caught the cord, gave it a good tug and the cover fell billowing
down, looking like a runaway parachute in high winds. He quickly gathered
the cover into a large bundle before a backwash sent it up into the blades
of the helicopter.
The Stargate glittered in the sunlight as the crystals in its makeup
caught the light, then Ferretti threw down two more cords to Tommy and
Teal’c from the Chopper. The new cords were attached to the sides of the
Gate; to be used as guide ropes in the descent as the Stargate was lowered
gently towards the ground.
Jack was directing the operation from the far end of the pool, where he
could see the Gate being lowered into the trench prepared for its arrival.
Finally the Stargate hit the bottom of the trench and the cable attached
to the top slacked off.
Tommy dropped his end of the guide rope and dragging a ladder over to the
back of the Gate, climbed up and unhooked the loop of cable that went
through the Stargate and back over the hook.
Jack saw the cable swing free and waved to Ferretti, indicating the Gate
was clear.
Ferretti waved back and started the winch to rewind the cable as he was
doing this the helicopter started to rise into the sky and turn back in
the direction it had came from.
Alan looked at the Stargate and admired the way it seemed to glitter in
the sun one moment then when a cloud covered the sun seemed to glower
ominously down on them. "That’s some garden ornament, that is!!" he
pronounced firmly.
Jack sank back on his heels yet again and felt entitled to the exhaustion
he was feeling; never let it be said that gardening was a soft option. He
contemplated the paving that now lay from in front of the Stargate, around
the pool, through the Canopus and down the centre of the garden under the
Pergola to the edge of the Patio.
From where he was kneeling he could see Teal’c and Willie finishing off
the cement work around the Stargate. The bottom three to four feet of
which was buried in the cement, leaving seven of the nine chevrons
revealed. As it loomed over the garden, he prayed that Carter had ‘fixed’
the Gate properly or Mrs. Jones would have some interesting visitors
sometime in the future.
Tommy and Charlie were placing the last of the stonework around the edge
of the pool, which had now been filled to within three inches of the top.
And Daniel had got the hang of laying paving slabs with occasional
comments about reverse archaeology, so that between Daniel, Alan and
himself all the slabs had now been laid.
Jack glanced toward the camera crew and noticed several of the technicians
studying their watches. Hopefully it was nearly time for a hot steamy
shower, he thought as he rubbed his aching back yet again. O’Neill
brightened considerably as he thought of the other advantages of quitting
while you’re ahead, namely a thick juicy steak and a pint of Guinness -
even if the beer was warm.
Mr. T. stood back from the wall and tapped the end of the fine brush
against his teeth as he compared the page he'd copied the Egyptian
hieroglyphics from to see if he'd missed anything. Glancing round the
garden, he spotted Jackson standing on the Patio taking a swig from a very
enticing can of beer. Daniel and Jack were cleaning the cement from
Tommy's tools after they'd finished laying the paving slabs. And from what
he could see from this angle, they'd done a very good job; for amateurs.
All that needed to be done now was to raise the Pergola, sort out the rill
that was to run through the Egyptian Gateway and then lay the grass.
And of course hope for some plants to arrive.
Tommy stood with one hand on the Gate, pointing bits out to Charlie, who
was standing next to him considering whether or not to ignore his advice.
As Alan split his attention between contemplating the wall paintings and
wondering where the plants had got too, a sudden burst of activity on the
Patio caught his eye.
Jack leapt from the Patio and raced towards the back wall of the garden
with Daniel in close proximity. Daniel was yelling and waving what looked
like a thin book in the air. O'Neill raced past Alan and took cover behind
Teal'c who was standing on the other side of the Stargate.
Daniel charged up to the group with the book scrunched up in his hand.
"Okay, who gave him this book?!" Daniel screamed in outrage.
Alan looked mystified, Charlie just looked confused and Tommy gained an
innocent verging on shifty expression as he started to sidle away from the
group hoping to get a head start.
Charlie studied the self-satisfied expression on Jack’s face. "What book
did he get?" she asked curiously.
Daniel groaned with what sounded like anguish. "How to Bluff at
Archaeology!"
The Producer waved at Alan and started to make throat-cutting signals at
him.
The faint slam of car doors could be heard coming from the front of the
house, and they could hear the crunch of one and a half pair of footsteps
coming around the side of the house.
"If I'm right that's the sound of our missing pair of helpers, who've
finally found their way back to us," Alan said in the direction of the
camera.
Ferretti limped into the garden with the aid of a pair of crutches as he
reached the edge of the Patio they could see he had one foot in plaster
and a disgusted expression on his face.
Sam Carter strolled along behind him with a mischievous grin spread all
over her face, her body language shouting 'YES!' and 'revenge is sweet' at
them.
"What do you think happened to them?" Tommy said, indicating the missing
pair.
"No idea, but we should have an interesting time trying to get it out of
them over a drink tonight," Alan replied ingenuously.
"It looks like Ferretti got what was coming to him!" Jack commented from
behind them, making Tommy and Alan jump in surprise.
"Indeed, Major Ferretti appears to be suffering from some form of Carter's
Revenge," Teal'c stated solemnly.
"Isn't it time we quit? 'Cause I could do with a pint!" Tommy pleaded.
Alan nodded and looked into the camera. "Well, we've had a good day and
done most of the hard landscaping, so I think I can agree with that
whole-heartedly. The last one down the Pub gets the first round in!" Alan
said, yet again leading the stampede for the Pub.
Part Two
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