"Hermes? I'm outta here," Iolaus muttered as he picked himself up off the ground and turned to run.

Hercules was a little too fast for him and the blond hunter gave a strangled squawk as his escape attempt was aborted by a large hand clamping down on the back of his jerkin and heaving him back. The demi-god was too busy studying the occupants of the chariot to pay much attention to the ferocious mutters that then came from Iolaus, but he was careful to keep a tight grip on the hunter as he dragged him along with him to greet Hermes and Hades.

"I suppose it's too much to ask that this is a purely accidental meeting," he observed a little ruefully.

"Hey, this wasn't my idea," Hades groused, giving up on his attempts to get the reins back from Hermes. "This little trip is all his fault!" he snapped, jerking a thumb in Hermes' direction.

The God of Thieves gave Hercules an amiable smile that turned into a look of slavering appreciation when he moved on to Iolaus. For some reason, the blond mortal always brought out the broad lecherous streak in Hermes, a fact which both annoyed and frightened the wits out of Iolaus. He was currently busy trying to hide himself behind Hercules and failing miserably.

"You're supposed to wait until the owner's away before you steal their chariot, Hermes," Hercules pointed out.

"Oh, don't be silly, Hercules," Hermes said severely, ruining the fact by lifting a hand to waggle his fingers at Iolaus, then smirking at the yelp of alarm the gesture earned him. "I wasn't stealing the chariot. I was kidnapping Hades."

"Shouldn't you have tied him up first?" Iolaus pointed out acidly. "That generally works best when you're kidnapping someone."

"Oh? I'll keep that in mind," Hermes grinned.

"Eek," Iolaus whimpered, realising what he had said and ducking back behind Hercules.

"All right," Hercules said patiently. He had long experience trying to get details out of his Olympian family and a certain blond mortal and knew that the only way to succeed was to keep plugging away until something gave. "You've kidnapped Hades. Any particular reason, or did you just feel like a change of pace?"

"Why would I want to do that?" Hermes demanded. "Anyway, I was doing him a favour."

"You were not!" Hades said hotly. He jumped off the chariot in a swirl of black cape and would have stalked off in a huff if it hadn't been for Hermes reaching out and grabbing said cloak, pulling him back.

"Oh, no you don't," the herald said sweetly. "You're staying right where I can see you until the wedding."

"Wedding?" Light dawned and Hercules gave his uncle an understanding grin. "Pre-wedding jitters, Hades?"

"I can't marry Persephone!" Hades wailed, sitting down abruptly on the tail of the chariot and wringing his hands together.

"That'll take a load off Demeter's mind," Iolaus murmured under his breath, watching with fascination as the Lord of the Underworld went to pieces in front of his eyes.

"Hush, Iolaus," Hercules growled. "You're not helping." He went over to stand beside Hades, feeling a little helpless. He wasn't used to giving one of the gods a pep talk. "Look, you and Persephone both love one another..." he began.

"That's the problem!" Hades said fretfully. "I love her too much to marry her."

"That's a new one," Iolaus observed with interest as he came to join them while keeping a wary eye on Hermes. "Loving someone is usually a good reason to want to marry them."

He looked a little pensive at that and Hercules gave him a thoughtful glance. If ever there had been a love match, it had been the marriage between Iolaus and Ania. It had nearly killed the blond to lose her in childbirth and he still refused to talk about her, distracting himself with a string of superficial relationships which rarely lasted long enough for the woman concerned to get under his skin.

Not that Hercules had married for any different reason. Despite knowing the risks, he hadn't been able to bear the thought of living without Deianara. When she had accepted his proposal he had realised that he had never known the true meaning of happiness until that moment. Even now, with the pain of being parted from her by death forever in his heart, he could still wrap the memory of the time they had had together around him like a warm blanket against the cold.

"It's all right for you," Hades snapped, glowering at Iolaus and dragging Hercules' attention back to the present. "You're just a mortal. You wouldn't understand."

"What d'you mean, just a mortal?" Iolaus demanded belligerently. "And I can't understand if you don't explain, can I?"

Hades drooped visibly. "I thought I could go through with it, but when everyone started planning and talking and telling me what to do, I just.... just..."

"-panicked," Iolaus said flatly.

"No, I did not!" Hades said huffily.

"Yes, you did," Hermes corrected him. He swung his attention to Hercules. "You should have seen him, Herc. Pacing to and fro like some lion in a cage, wringing his hands and moaning that he should have never asked such a sweet, innocent, loving, etc., etc., maiden to marry a gloomy, introverted, dull-"

"I never said dull!" Hades yelped indignantly.

"-god with no fashion sense and a kingdom which gives a new definition to the word boring," Hermes finished remorselessly. "After a while I just couldn't take it any more. His minions are just as bad. Their idea of decorating for a wedding looks more like a funeral through the eyes of a mushroom smoker!"

"Well, you can't blame them," Hades said desperately. "They haven't had much experience with weddings."

"No excuse," Hermes said quellingly. "Now, Herc, I need a favour."

Here it comes, Hercules thought with resignation. "Yes?"

"I want you to keep an eye on Hades, here, while I go back and do a spot of reorganising at his palace. Once I've got the decorations and food right, I'll come back for Hades in time for the ceremony."

"You want me to keep Hades in line?" Hercules demanded incredulously. "How am I going to be able to stop him if he takes it into his head to just leave?"

"Because I'm going to make Hades promise, by the River Styx, that he stays with you and obeys your orders," Hermes assured him blithely. He reached out the nudge Hades with his foot. "Aren't you, Hades?"

"Why should I?" Hades snarled. Then, when he received another, harder poke with the foot: "Oh, all right, you dratted menace! I promise, by the River Styx, that I will remain with Hercules and obey his orders, until you get back from completely disrupting my kingdom."

"That's a good God of the Underworld," Hermes said in satisfaction. "Now, if you'll just get up and let me leave.... Thank you. Won't be long, Herc," he informed the demi-god brightly. "Just try and keep Haddy from coming to the boil too often, there's a good half-brother. Bye!"

So saying, he shook the reins and gave a bright chirrup of sound. The horses promptly threw up their heads and lunged against the traces, moving into a racing gallop from a standing start. The last thing Hercules and Iolaus heard before the earth opened up again and the chariot vanished was Hermes' yelp of surprise and a snatched comment about stabilisers. Hades cast a jaundiced look at where the ground had surged back into place after his vehicle.

"If he so much as scratches the paintwork, he's working the Tartarus shift for the next thousand years," he growled. He gave Hercules a dark look. "So what do we do now?" he demanded.

"I have no idea," Hercules confessed.

"We have a stag party," Iolaus said brightly.

God and demi-god gawped at the mortal. "A what?" they both chorused.

Iolaus gave them a look of bewilderment. "A stag party, of course. You can't have someone getting married without giving him a proper send-off."

Hercules didn't know whether to laugh or yell. He settled for a glare. "Iolaus, you know perfectly well-" he began.

"What's a stag party?" Hades asked curiously.

Now it was the turn of Iolaus and Hercules to stare at him. "You're kidding, right?" Iolaus demanded.

"About what? I just wanted to know what a stag party was," Hades protested.

Iolaus transferred his attention to Hercules and raised an eyebrow.

"How should I know?" Hercules said defensively. "You know I don't mix with my family unless I have to. Maybe they don't have stag parties."

"Hey, we don't have weddings all that often, either!" Hades protested. "Most of us prefer to stay single. At least, until we find the right woman." His gaze became a little abstracted and his eyes started to glaze over.

"Well, that doesn't mean you should miss out on a decent stag party," Iolaus said firmly. "Hercules and I will soon fix you up."

Hercules snorted. "Considering the state you got me into on my stag night, I think it might be wiser to just go somewhere quiet and just relax."

Iolaus gave him a look of withering scorn. "Wimp."

Hades, on the other hand, was beginning to look interested. "So what's a stag party?" he pressed. "Will it take my mind off the wedding?"

"If Iolaus is in charge of it, you won't have a mind to worry about after a few hours," Hercules said in resignation. "I didn't."

"You never had a mind to start with," Iolaus retorted, before giving Hades one of his most ingenuous and brilliant smiles. "I guarantee you won't keep worrying about your wedding once we get started, Hades," he said earnestly. "Trust me."

oooOooo

"And like a fool, I did," Hercules groaned when he opened his eyes the following morning to find that Phoebus had apparently decided to hover directly over him and shine straight into his eyes.

Screwing them shut again, Hercules groped for his pillow and pulled it over his face while he wondered if his head would fall off if he actually tried to move it. He had a nasty feeling it would stay firmly attached and continue to make his every moment a living Tartarus.

"Hades!"

Thinking about Tartarus reminded him of his uncle and Hercules sat bolt upright, looking around himself wildly. He regretted the abrupt motion almost immediately but the only person he saw was his mother. Alcmene advanced on him with an expression of resigned amusement on her face, as she extended a beaker to him.

"Here. There's no need to swear, Hercules. I was bringing you something for your head."

"What? Oh, no, I wasn't swearing," Hercules assured her as he absently gulped down the potion in the beaker, making a small face at the taste that was still detectable beneath the honey. "I was wondering where Hades was."

Alcmene's eyebrows rose. "Hangover that bad?" she inquired.

"No, I mean...." Hercules paused and gave her a helpless look. "What happened last night?"

"Before or after you woke me up by forgetting where the door was and coming through the wall?" Alcmene said wryly. She started laughing at the horrified look that earned her. "Oh, don't look so tragic! You can mend it later. It was nice to see you so relaxed and happy for once."

"Er... was there anyone with me?" Hercules asked cautiously.

"No, Iolaus decided that discretion was the better part of valour and stayed at the gate along with the other man you'd been with," Alcmene chuckled. "Must have been some party. I haven't heard you sing those songs in years."

Hercules groaned and sank his head in his hands. The potion was starting to work and his mind was clearing, although the memories that came back were unwelcome and fuzzy, viewed through a haze of alcohol. He was pretty certain of the sequence of events right up until the time Iolaus had decided to teach Hades some barbarian dances he had learned while on his travels. Hercules didn't believe for one second that Hades had wound up dancing on the tables while warbling the lyrics to a song that would have shocked most sailors Hercules knew. That had to be the product of a drunken imagination.

The last thing he really remembered was sitting slumped between two pretty serving wenches while Hades blearily confided in Iolaus that he was afraid Persephone would be disappointed in him. That she would find him dull and boring after the more carefree gods of Olympus. The demi-god had focused a little blearily on the slow smile which had worked its way across Iolaus' face and alarm bells had gradually begun to penetrate his alcohol-sodden mind. Then one of the serving maids had handed him another tankard of ale and the next thing he knew he had been waking up in Alcmene's home, with no memory of where Iolaus and Hades had got to.

With a heartfelt groan, Hercules flopped back on the bed and dragged the pillow back across his face. "They're going to kill me," he whimpered.

oooOooo

"What d'you mean, 'you've lost him'? How can you lose one of the three eldest gods of Olympus?"

Hercules winced as Hermes' voice rose in incredulous wrath. "Not so loud, not so loud," he groaned, clutching his still-tender head. "I haven't lost him, exactly, just misplaced him and Iolaus."

"You do not 'misplace' Iolaus, Hercules," Hermes enunciated clearly, swinging his staff around and making his snakes hiss giddily. "You turn your back on him, he vanishes, but you do not lose him. He's up to something. Trouble is, he's up to something with a bridegroom who's due at his ceremony in less than an hour!"

"Can't you find him?" Hercules asked plaintively. "You know, do some god thing and locate Hades?"

Hermes favoured him with a withering glare. "'Some god thing'?" he echoed. "And what 'god thing' would that be, then?"

Hercules fidgeted uncomfortably. "I don't know. I'm not a god."

"Then quit it with the back-chariot driving," Hermes snapped. "As a matter of fact, I've already tried, but Hades is too powerful to be tagged by a mere location spell. Not unless he wanted to be found, and it looks like he doesn't."

"Maybe he's decided not to go through with the wedding?" Hercules suggested nervously. "Last minute nerves and all that?"

Hermes turned an appalled look on him. "Brother dearest-"

"Half-brother," Hercules interjected, but his heart wasn't in it.

"-all of Olympus, plus most of the other deities are currently gathered at the Asphodel Meadows to witness this wedding. The wedding gifts have all arrived, been noted and thank-you letters drafted. Hestia has made enough food to feed the entire mortal population, Hera, Ares and Eris have promised by the Styx that they will behave and last, but not least, Persephone is standing before the altar wearing a new dress and mildly curious as to where her husband to be is! Last minute nerves are not allowed!"

Hermes' voice had risen steadily throughout the summation until he was close to shouting at the end. Hercules gave a moan of distress and mentally resolved to (a) never touch a drop of alcohol ever again, and (b) slaughter Iolaus if the blond was ever stupid enough to come anywhere near him again. After a moment, he felt a light tap on his head and his mind cleared as if by magic. He gave Hermes a grateful look as the herald lifted his staff away and eyed him in annoyance.

"By rights I should leave you to suffer, but I need your help. Where would Iolaus take Hades?"

"That depends on which particular maggot has got into his brain," Hercules replied. "And before you ask, no, I don't know."

"Call yourself a heroic demi-god?" Hermes sniffed. "Come along, then."

"Where are we going?"

The herald gave Hercules a pitying look. "Where d'you think? All the places Iolaus might have taken Hades."

"All of them?" Hercules squawked in disbelief. "Hermes, there isn't time to visit that many places!"

"There is if you use the fast lane. Hang on, Herc, it's going to be a bumpy ride."

"I hate my family," Hercules moaned, then yelped as Hermes grabbed him by the arm and took off without warning.

oooOooo

"What do you mean, 'you've lost him'? How can you possibly lose someone like Hades?"

Hermes shuffled his feet, sending his winged sandals into a small frenzy, and did the first thing he could think of. "It was Hercules' fault! I told him to keep an eye on Hades and he didn't."

Hercules winced as Persephone turned huge, reproachful eyes in his direction. Giving his half-brother a dirty look, he did his best to explain despite the way his stomach was still churning with air-sickness. They'd finally given up and come back to own up barely a half hour before the ceremony was due to start and Hercules was a little taken aback to see how many of the Olympian pantheon had decided to turn up to honour Hades and Persephone as they took their eternal vows. Even some of the Elder Gods were here.

"Look, I know it seems bad, Persephone," he started a little desperately, "but I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation. You see, Hades was a little, well, nervous about the coming ceremony-"

"He didn't want to marry me?" Persephone asked in a small voice, her lip trembling a little.

"Don't be silly," Hermes jumped in hastily. "Hercules is just using the wrong words. Who wouldn't want to marry a wonderful girl like you?"

He had something there, Hercules had to admit. While Persephone had done her bit to complicate his life, right now she was looking positively radiant. In deference to her future husband's tastes, she had chosen to wear a dress of deep emerald green, rather than the pale golds and greens she usually favoured. A wreath of poppies and leaves crowned her glowing hair, while more poppies intertwined with her girdle. She wore the rich ruby and gold necklace Hades had given her as a betrothal gift while matching earrings hung from her ears to brush her shoulders. She already looked every inch a queen, even though her king had apparently decided not to show up.

"What's the hold-up?"

Athena's sudden arrival brought the awful moment of disclosure that little bit closer and Hercules wished that he had managed to persuade Hermes to drop him off somewhere rather than come here. Hermes had appealed to his sense of justice not to leave the herald in the lurch on his own and, like a fool, Hercules had fallen for it. Right now he wished he'd been a little more selfish.

"Um, there's been a slight hiccup to the proceedings," Hermes said glumly.

"Oh?" Athena raised delicate eyebrows and made an elaborate show of looking around. "There seems to be something missing," she mused. "Or, rather, someone. Where's Hades?"

"That's the slight hiccup," Hermes sighed.

"You're kidding?" Athena stared at him in amazement. "You're not kidding? Hoo, boy, this is going to make life interesting!"

"'Interesting', she says!" Hermes yelped. "I'm going to get toasted by at least three gods and one goddess and you think that's interesting? I hate intellectuals," he muttered.

"Ah, is liddle Hermey-wermey feeling thweatened?" Athena said mockingly. "Never mind. I can think of one goddess who'll be getting down on her knees to thank you, if Hades does get cold feet."

She nodded her head to where Demeter was gazing at them suspiciously. Hercules was relieved to see that she hadn't gone through with her threat of wear mourning clothes, but her lack of enthusiasm was obvious to anyone with half an eye. Hercules sighed, feeling his headache starting to come back.

"So why the glum faces? This little gathering is just, like, bristling with negative waves, you know? Chill out, people!"

Aphrodite appeared in a shower of gold and beamed at them. She loved weddings and had gone all out for this one, judging by her outfit. At first glance the flowing dress seemed totally transparent. It was only when you took another, closer look that shimmers of pink and gold light suddenly blurred the view, leaving a person with only a tempting glimpse of the perfection which lay beneath the cloth. Hercules felt his blood pressure rising and hastily averted his eyes while Hermes and Athena brought their sister up to date and Persephone looked as though she was going to burst into tears at any moment.

"Uh-uh, no way, nix on that idea," Aphrodite said firmly once she had grasped what they were trying to tell her. "If there's one thing this babe knows about, it's that true love jazz. Hades is so gone on Kore that he wouldn't notice if his drab little kingdom fell down around his ears."

"Then why isn't he here?" Persephone wailed. "The ceremony should have started ten minutes ago!"

"And here comes Father to see what the delay's all about," Hermes gulped. "Oh, help!"

Hercules stiffened as he saw that Zeus was, indeed, coming towards them. Although his initial antagonism towards his father had faded as time went by, he still didn't particularly want to come face to face with him just yet. Fortunately for his peace of mind, a sudden disturbance close by the altar distracted Zeus and everyone else as a ball of light suddenly flared into being and then vanished to reveal Hades and Iolaus.

"Hubba hubba, as the barbarians say," Aphrodite murmured to herself.

Hercules hadn't the faintest idea what the term meant, but he had a pretty good idea, judging from the way all the other gods and goddesses were reacting. "So much for thinking he'd run out on us," he murmured to himself.

Gone were the black leathers and cape. Instead Hades was clad, head to toe, in soft white leather, edged with purple silk ribbon and decorated with purple and black embroidery. Amethyst and jet beads caught the light as he moved, while his belt buckle was a huge amethyst carved in the shape of a dragon with a pearl held safely within its mouth. The entire ensemble was finished off by a sweeping cloak of white cloth on which had been painted irises and anemones. His only jewellery was a simple gold band across his forehead and a gold torc about his throat into which had been set another amethyst.

"Hades?"

Persephone wasn't the only one to say that in a stunned voice. She recovered quickly as Hades walked up to her, taking her hand and smiling down at her with such a besotted expression on his face that the last of Hercules' doubts was blown away.

"I didn't want to disappoint you on our wedding day," he explained, reddening slightly as she continued to stare at him. "I wanted to please you by looking nice."

Persephone gave him a slow smile and then laughed. "Well, you succeeded! I've never seen you look so spectacular and I think half the women here are thoroughly jealous of me!"

Athena snorted. "Make that most of the women, not to mention several of the men! Come on, you," she said, giving a dazed looking Hermes a brisk poke in the ribs. "Time to get the ceremony started."

"What? Oh, yes, I suppose so. Um, Hades, I don't suppose you'd be willing to give me the name of your tailor?" Hermes inquired carelessly.

Hades shrugged and smiled, never taking his eyes off Persephone's radiant face. "Haven't a clue who he was. It was someone Iolaus knew. Why don't you ask him?"

"Ask... Iolaus?" Hermes brightened. "Oh, that would be such a hardship. Where is the little darling?"

"Over there," Hades gestured vaguely. "I asked him to be best man."

"I never knew you had such good taste!" Hermes exclaimed in delight. His sandals lifted him a couple of feet off the ground and he scanned the crowd eagerly. "Yes, there he is. I'll just pop over and-urrk!"

"Urk?" Hercules echoed, then grinned when he saw that Athena had grabbed Hermes by one of his winged sandals and was towing him remorselessly behind her.

"You haven't time for that," she said severely. "The ceremony has to begin. You can talk to Iolaus later."

"Oh, all right," Hermes said sulkily. "A herald's work is never done. See you later, Herc."

Laughing quietly to himself, Hercules drifted back until he had a good view of the coming proceedings without being too obvious. Maybe later he would go up to his father and make an effort to be civil, but for now he just wanted to savour the unusual sight of all of the Olympians socialising without the usual bickering. Maybe the gods should get married more often? Hercules smirked to himself as he watched Hades happily embrace and kiss Persephone. Maybe he should suggest that to Hermes. He was certain his half-brother would be able to think of someone he'd be willing to propose to - although what kind of proposal it would be was another matter entirely!

-o-o-oooOooo-o-o-