The elevator doors opened to reveal two men in green B.D.U.’s. The battle dress uniforms stood out amongst the blue and white dressed people in the Norad control room like an American Footballer on a Rugby field. The two members of SG1 ambled out into the control room to be met by a pair of armed guards and the curious stares of half the people in Norad.

To the knowledge of those in the room no one had ever come out of that elevator in recent history and rumours stated that those that went down never came back.

Colonel Jack O’Neill and Teal’c looked at the guardsmen and then at each other. "This is what happens when you drop in unannounced," O’Neill observed wryly.

"Indeed, unexpected guests always seem to receive a warm welcome," Teal’c commented, lifting an eyebrow.

O’Neill turned to face an approaching officer and put on his official face. "Take me to your leader," he commanded before turning back to Teal’c. "I’ve always liked saying that," he grinned wickedly.

Teal’c watched as the door shut behind O’Neill’s back, leaving him to the tender mercies of the infamous "Typing Pool". He leaned against the wall to the left of the door, waiting for his team leader to return, and studied the people sitting at the group of desks.

There were four right-angle shaped tables arranged into a four pointed star. A glint of colour on the corner of one of the tables caught his eye and he focused on what appeared to be a species of Asgard with green skin.

The Asgard in question was dressed in a black suit that reminded Teal’c of the N.I.D. and the thought of Thor in a black suit sent a well-hidden quiver of hysterical laughter through him. Teal’c raised an eyebrow as he tuned into the debate going on between a male and two female corporals in the office.

"I still say that the merits of bubblewrap far outweigh the disadvantages of having to recycle the remains!" the young man said as he flourished a sheet of bubblewrap in the air and managed to pop a couple of the air pockets as he did so.

"What merit can there be in sitting there and popping little air filled bubbles, when the therapeutic value of slamming these bean bags into the floor or wall is so obvious!" The first female corporal replied with some heat before she threw what appeared to be another Asgard in BDU’s at the wall.

Teal’c gave a start as the toy said "I knew that!!" as it hit the wall and a glimmer of an idea started to percolate through his brain.

"Let’s ask someone who’s completely impartial what he thinks?" said the other female corporal looking directly at Teal’c.

"Well… that went well… didn’t it?" O’Neill said quietly, shutting the door behind him.

Teal’c studied the expression on O’Neill’s face as the Colonel came from the General’s Office. "O’Neill, from the strained expression upon your face, I assume the General did not appreciate the request from General Hammond," Teal’c commented.

He firmly guided Jack O’Neill away from the outer office, praying to higher gods that the human did not spot the soft toys sitting on the secretary’s desk.

"No, Teal’c ‘ole buddy, he didn’t… not one little bit," Jack winced as he remembered General Stratton’s reaction.

A Tour group being escorted by a young Lieutenant around the Norad H.Q. ground to a halt as the young officer spotted the Colonel’s insignia and saluted O’Neill.

Jack saluted back absentmindedly, his mind still in the office where the General had shown that his knowledge of the various human languages exceeded his own. "I think it was the phrase ‘primitive defence facility’ that raised his hackles," O’Neill continued.

Teal’c concentrated on guiding O’Neill back to the safety of the SGC, while listening to some of the comments from the tour party. The description of O’Neill’s attributes as perfectly formed and grab-able struck him as perfect ammunition for later. A gentleman in a cerise coloured shirt just eyed the Colonel's body and nodded frantically in agreement.

As the elevator arrived and Teal’c ushered O’Neill into the car, the doors slowly closed on the strident tones of a sex starved female describing O’Neill as a sex god.

An oblivious Jack O’Neill leaned back against the wall of the car and watched Teal’c.

"Well, what did you think of your first encounter with Norad?" he asked.

"Indeed, this venture has been interesting," Teal’c said softly, concealing a smile and a plastic bag behind his back.

"She said what?!" Jonas said, the eternal smile slipping from his face in shock.

"I repeat, the Tau’ri female described O’Neill as a sex god," Teal’c responded.

Jonas blinked in disbelief and stared at Teal’c seated across the table from him in the commissary. "Was she wearing glasses?" he queried.

"Negative Jonasquinn, in fact she was an extremely comely female," Teal’c stated, checking the contents of the dessert spoon before placing said spoon in his mouth.

"Maybe, it’s just one woman…" Jonas said thoughtfully.

"There were several females and at least one male all of whom were making comments concerning parts of O’Neill’s body," Teal’c replied, peering down into the bowl and checking to see if he’d missed any of the rice pudding, prepared especially for him by the head cook.

"How strange. I wonder if any of the other women or men on this base would say the same?" Quinn said, watching Teal’c scrape the bowl clean.

Teal’c sat back in his chair the finished dessert bowl on the table in front of him. "And what do you suggest?" he said, a raised eyebrow echoing the question mark in his voice.

"Let’s ask Major Carter, I’m sure she’d provide an impartial answer," Jonas said, pushing his chair back and standing up.

Samantha Carter blushed, the red seemed to spread from her cheeks and down past the neckline of her T-shirt. "I’m sorry Jonas, as an officer in the military I’m not allowed to say anything on that subject." Sam said as she scooped up a clipboard and vanished through a doorway into the restricted area of the lab.

Jonas stepped away from the table as Carter removed herself from their presence with extreme haste; he glanced toward Teal’c and shrugged in complete mystification. "Well, that was strange... you don’t think there’s a foothold situation do you?" he said faintly.

"Unlikely, but perhaps it would be prudent to confer with Dr. Fraiser," Teal’c suggested as one eyebrow made a break for freedom.

Janet Fraiser concealed a smile as Jonas explained the situation.

"When we asked Major Carter, all she did was blush and lock herself into the quarantine lab," Jonas said plaintively.

"I’m not surprised, it’s against regulations to say anything like that about a superior officer... you can think it but you definitely can’t say anything," Fraiser replied, a smile finally breaking out on her lips.

Jonas looked up at Teal’c as he shook his head and sighed in frustration, then glanced back at the Doctor. "So how would you go about answering our questions about what would be considered the epitome of male beauty on this planet?" he asked curiously.

"And if O’Neill is considered an outstanding member by the opposite sex?" Teal’c rumbled in the background.

"It’s all down to taste, I could say that the Colonel had the body of an Adonis, but I couldn’t admit he’s to my taste," Janet explained.

Quinn turned back to Teal’c and shrugged helplessly. He was now more confused than ever. This confirmed the fact that the female mind followed no logical path.

Teal’c glanced into the Briefing Room, checking for any signs of life before entering.

He could hear the voice of General Hammond echoing up from the Control Room below. The voices of Jacob Carter and Colonel O’Neill were interwoven around that of the General. Teal’c strode over to the table and bending over, checked the struts beneath.

He glanced towards the stairs as he dropped to one knee and attached two small hooks to the underside of the table. The first was next to his seat at the table and the other was beside Jonas Quinn’s chair. The Jaffa warrior heard the sound of voices getting closer and hurriedly hung two slammers from the hooks. The clang of feet climbing the stairs had him back on his feet and sitting at his place, before General Hammond and his companions appeared at the top of the steps.

As he sat down, the door behind him opened and Major Carter and Jonas Quinn entered the room, discussing the pictures the MALP had sent back from P325 861.

The General, closely followed by Jacob Carter and Colonel O’Neill, clattered up the stairs and upon approaching the table, split up and headed for seats situated at various points. The three Tau’ri and single Tok’ra that gathered amicably around the large table had no idea that the alien members of SG1 had taken upon themselves the task of Stress Relief.

"No, Jack... no can do!" Jacob Carter said forcefully, slamming his hands down on the table.

"Why am I not surprised?" Jack replied sarcastically as he leaned forward over the table toward the Tok’ra.

"The Tok’ra can’t be seen to have any connection to Earth, otherwise the Goa’uld would band together and say to hell with the Asgard agreement and just wipe this planet out!" Jacob growled, trying to make a point.

O’Neill leaned forward, his hands placed firmly on the table, glaring directly into the Tok’ra’s eyes, frustration shortening his temper to the point of explosion.

An object startled them both as it landed on the table between them. As it hit the table the green headed Asgard in the black suit cried out "Houston, we have a problem!".

O’Neill looked down at the small toy that sat equidistant between both himself and Jacob Carter, picked it up and slammed it down on the table again. The impact prompted another outcry from the little toy of "I come in peace..." followed by the sound of a gunshot.

"Cool, I’ve heard of these but I’ve never actually seen one." Jack said, grinning up at Jacob Carter.

"What are these things? I’ve never seen anything like it before. Where can I get one?" Jacob queried, taking the toy from O’Neill and examining it closely.

A second toy Asgard, this time dressed in BDU’s, landed hard on the table between the two men. As it bounced a squeaky voice started to sing "Somewhere over the Rainbow, where blue birds fly…".

O’Neill looked down at the second toy in surprise, as it seemed to answer Jacob’s question at exactly the right time.

Sam reached over and picked up the first of the mysterious toys. She turned it over and studied it carefully. "Sir, it must have a small playback device similar to a cassette player inside it," she said smiling.

"I knew that!" squeaked the second Asgard, as Jack slammed it down against the table, curious to find out the second phrase.

The two alien members of SG1 settled back into their seats; they watched as the stressed expressions on their friends’ faces vanished and the briefing finally dissolved into laughter.

The End

Disclaimer: The slammer's sayings are totally fictitious and therefore are figments of the Author's demented imagination, but if you should ever find one that says "I knew that!" please let her know and she's willing to swap a large amount of chocolate for it!