Well, to be precise - pedantic, even - it was a large chunk of the far wall, which was blown in by a small thunderbolt and hurled across the bedroom to land on Hercules. To the confused demi-god, however, it felt like the ceiling had fallen on him. Groping his way past the chunks of plaster and shattered timber, Hercules stared around in befuddlement until the early morning sun streaming through the impromptu window thus created tipped him off to what had happened.

Muttering darkly under his breath - from the angle of the sunbeams it was way too early considering he'd hoped to lie in - Hercules finished getting out of bed and threw a robe on before going to investigate. The sight of Ares standing in front of the house, casually tossing a fireball from one hand to another, did little to sweeten Hercules' mood.

"What do you want?" he demanded.

Ares paused in mid-toss, the fireball flickering and blazing a hot red-gold. "Wooo, major attitude problem there, bro! You are obviously not a morning person." He resumed tossing the fireball, grinning lazily. "Wanna fight?" he asked hopefully.

"In the first place, that's half-brother," Hercules snarled. "And in the second place, I'm entitled to get annoyed when some half-baked excuse for a god demolishes my bedroom when it's barely past dawn!"

"Cranky, cranky, cranky," Ares chanted in time to his juggling. "Crabby ol' Herky's in a snit!"

Hercules did a double take at that and took a closer look at Ares. At first glance he looked the same, but the grin was perilously close to being goofy. His normally pristine and 'dark 'n dangerous' appearance was also absent. He looked like he'd slept in his leathers just after going a couple of rounds with a Titan or two. All in all, he looked just like…

"Ares, are you drunk?" Hercules demanded.

"Naaaah," Ares drawled, doing something complicated with the fireball. "Just mellow, bro. Whoops, sorry: half-bro." The fireball escaped his reaching hand and zoomed off to explode against the side of a tree, taking a chunk out of it and causing the unfortunate olive to keel over. "Yikes! Never could get the hang of the double-inverted slingshot with backspin, darn it."

"You are drunk!"

"Come down here and say that," Ares said, drawing himself up to his full height and rocking gently on his heels. A stupid smile immediately crossed his face and his eyes half-closed. "Hey, this is fun," he commented as he continued to rock.

"I don’t believe this," Hercules muttered.

"Not, it's the truth; it is fun," Ares assured him.

"I didn't mean that, I meant… oh, never mind, I'll come down," Hercules said in exasperation.

Dressing quickly, he went outside to find Ares still rocking to and fro, although he'd also started to weave from side to side as well. He was singing softly under his breath and giggling occasionally. All things considered, Hercules considered it a pretty nauseating sight.

"All right, what have you been up to?" he demanded.

Ares blinked and visibly struggled to focus on Hercules. "Why are there two of you?" he demanded curiously. "It's bad enough when there's only one."

"There aren't two of me," Hercules growled. "You're drunk."

"Am not."

"Yes, you are."

"Am not." A petulant note had crept into Ares' voice.

"Are too," Hercules shot back without thinking, before pulling in a deep breath and forcing a calm he didn't feel. "Why are you here?"

"I told you." Ares' eyes widened slightly in surprise. "I wanna fight you."

"You always want to fight, Ares," Hercules pointed out in exasperation.

"Yeah," Ares agreed, nodding wisely. Then he giggled. "Just as well, really, seeing as I'm god of war."

Hercules groaned and shook his head, but secretly he was starting to feel a little alarmed. Ares just wasn't acting like his usual bad-tempered homicidal self. Wanting to fight was nothing new, but giggling… At least he seemed to be on his own and with any luck and a lot of patience on Hercules' part, he'd eventually get bored and go off and bother someone else. It was just as well that there were no witnesses to this weirdness-

"Hey, Herc, you're up! Whoa, what's Ares doing here?"

Hercules closed his eyes in acute pain as he heard Iolaus' cheerful voice and wondered what he had ever done to the Fates to get them so consistently determined to make his life miserable.

"Ooooh, look, Herky, the psycho-runt's arrived!" Ares carolled cheerfully, rubbing his hands together. "Now we'll see some fun!"

"What did you call me?"

Neatly evading the grab Hercules automatically made in his direction, Iolaus squared up to Ares and glared up at him. Ares gazed down with an air of homicidal good cheer. Just as Hercules was about to hurl himself forward to prevent the inevitable fight, there was a flare of blue-black light and a stark naked Hades suddenly appeared. He looked around wildly, then swung around to face Ares.

"Don't you dare!" he yelled.

Both Ares and Iolaus froze, identical expressions of guilty surprise on their faces as they turned to face him. The fact that Hades didn't have a stitch of clothing on, beads of water running down his electrum skin, did nothing to detract from his air of command.

"Skinny-dipping with Persephone?" Ares eventually asked.

Hades glowered back. "I was in the shower when I got the word that Iolaus' name had suddenly turned up in the Pending list. Have we forgotten what was decided at the last general meeting?"

Ares grinned at him. "Didn't go," he said brashly. "Had a hot date with some Amazons."

Hades snorted. "Did you read the minutes to the meeting?" he demanded frostily.

"Did I?" Ares mused. "Let's just wrestle with that question for a moment…. Guess what? I used them to set fire to Strife."

"Ares!" Hades yelled.

"Ah, chill out, Uncle. Those things are always so boring. I got way better things to do with my time."

"Well just make sure that sending certain people to me before their time isn't on the list," Hades snapped before blinking out of existence again.

Ares pouted for a moment as he eyed a bewildered Iolaus. Then he shrugged. "Oh, well. Maybe I can't kill you, but Hades never said I couldn't maim you!"

So saying, he took a cheerful swing at Iolaus, who promptly ducked out of the way. Unfortunately, he chose to lunge in the same direction that Hercules had taken to counter Ares' attack. The resulting tangle as they went crashing to the ground was pretty spectacular.

"Hey, no fair!" Ares protested. "I'm the one who wants to fight."

"Look, just shut up and get lost," Hercules said in exasperation.

"Yeah, go find your own fights," Iolaus taunted, 'accidentally' planting an elbow in Hercules' midriff which effectively robbed the demi-god of air.

Ares started to scowl, then paused. "Yeah," he said slowly. "Why not? I've heard Thebes can be pretty happening place if you press the right buttons."

With that, he vanished, leaving Iolaus to forget about him and Hercules to panic - big time.

"Hey!" Iolaus yelled indignantly when Hercules finally lost patience and bodily tossed him to one side. "Whatcha do that for?"

"We have to get after Ares," Hercules told him brusquely as he scrambled to his feet.

"Huh? But you just told him to get lost," Iolaus pointed out. "Changing your mind every ten seconds isn't good for the image, Herc."

"To Hades with my 'image'," Hercules snarled. "If what I suspect is correct, Ares is on his way to demolish Thebes."

"Oh." Iolaus shrugged and stayed sprawled on the ground with loose-limbed ease. "Well, it's not as if the place couldn't use a little urban renewal."

Hercules glowered. "Trash the best drinking places?"

Iolaus winced, but continued to remain where he was. "I know some really good places out of town," he reassured his friend.

Hercules drew in a deep breath and played his trump card. "Debauch all the local women?"

"Styx, Herc, why're you standing there like a stuffed olive?" Iolaus demanded as he shot past the demi-god in the direction of the road to Thebes. "Get your tush in gear and let's go and defend the helpless and downtrodden!"

"Provided, of course," Hercules murmured as he hurtled after the hunter, "that they're female, breathing and have faces that won’t frighten the horses!"

OOO

It proved surprisingly easy to track down Ares once they got to Thebes. A bustling city, especially on days like today when the market was in full flow, Thebes was a seething melting pot of humanity. Ares, however, had a talent for standing out in a crowd, even when he was being invisible. Mainly because said crowd tended to wind up bruised, battered or just plain hysterical once he got to work on them. When Hercules and a slightly winded Iolaus arrived at the city gates, Hercules used all his wits and cunning to track down his half-brother.

He headed for the nearest riot.

Since it was still fairly early in the morning, there were only about half a dozen or so fights going on in the city. Things would get a whole lot livelier as the day progressed, but for now it was relatively simple to zero in on the hapless quarter which Ares had descended upon with all the lip-smacking enthusiasm of a starving wolf coming to say hello to the valley sheep. It was where the loudest sounds of mayhem were coming from.

Pausing to take in the scene when he got there, Hercules gave a grunt of annoyance as he took in the way at least a dozen men had piled on top of some other hapless combatant and were busily trying to hammer him into the ground. That was just the kind of dirty fighting his half-brother encouraged, he mused, just as the entire pile gave one mighty heave before the men went fling in all directions and Ares was revealed as having been the person who had been on the bottom.

"Is that the best you people can do?" he demanded peevishly as he shook himself like some giant hound and peered around himself in disappointment. "And I'd heard such good things about this place."

"Ares!" Hercules shouted as he moved forward. "Get out of Thebes."

"Nyx take me for a lover," Ares sighed, rolling his eyes in elaborate annoyance. "There's just no pleasing you, is there? I show up with a perfectly reasonable request-"

"You wanted to fight me!" Hercules bellowed.

"Like I said, with a perfectly reasonable request. I was even going to promise not to use my full strength on you, just to give you a fighting chance," Ares continued smoothly. "What do I get? Support? Understanding? Filial rapport? Like Tartarus. I get abuse, rejection…. hostility. It was just so damn beautiful I could just cry."

To Hercules' stunned horror, he saw Ares' eyes mist up and for one disbelieving second, he actually thought that the god of war was going to break down right in front of him. "Uh, Ares, I didn't mean-" he began hesitantly.

"Hah, gotcha!" Ares crowed happily as he hurled yet another thunderbolt that sent Hercules flying across the small square to land against the wall of the house opposite. "Man, I can't believe you bought that self-righteous bull! You are so easy."

"Yeah? Well, here's where it gets hard and painful, bro."

With that, Hercules launched himself back across the breadth of the square to hit Ares amidships. Not having bothered to brace himself, Ares flew back against the side of the tavern. Having already suffered considerable abuse in the earlier fight, the put-upon wall promptly collapsed, effectively concealing the two protagonists underneath a choking cloud of dust and plaster. A little taken aback at Hercules' uncharacteristically hostile move, Iolaus hovered a little uncertainly and waited to see what happened next.

The sight of Hercules flying out of the dust cloud to thump against another wall was unsettling, but not altogether a surprise.

"That's half-bro, remember?" Ares reminded him as he came out of the dust cloud and advanced towards Hercules.

"Oh, no you don't!"

Ares' delight at finally getting the fight he had been after all along was sharply curtailed when a spitting bundle of blond fury landed on his back. He looked around in confusion, turning in circles as he tried to work out what had happened. He remembered Iolaus was around at about the same time the hunter realised that he wasn't getting anywhere. Iolaus threw himself off just as Ares hook himself like a great dog. The resulting trajectory was rendered still more spectacular by the number of swear words per degree of the arc travelled that Iolaus managed before he had an argument with the tavern roof which the roof lost.

Ares paused to cast a look of appreciation at the freshly created hole. "Man, he's definitely got a mouth on him," he observed cheerfully.

The next second and he was sent staggering as Hercules tackled him amidships. With a whoop of pure delight, he forgot all about Iolaus and concentrated on having fun. Since Hercules was thoroughly annoyed by this time and had forgotten all about being civilised and reasonable, this proved an easy thing to do.

God and demi-god were soon hurtling and being hurled all over the place. True to his word, Ares held back from using his full strength, which gave Hercules a bit more of an edge than he might have otherwise had. Unfortunately, he didn't possess Ares' immortal invulnerability, so he started to look a little worn around the edges after he'd flattened his third building. That was nothing by comparison to how Thebes was faring. Apart from the buildings that were actively being trashed and dented, there was also the problem of crowds of people stampeding to avoid a Hercules who had apparently gone ever so slightly bonkers - Ares having retained enough control to stay invisible. Carts, market stalls and unwary goats and pigs wound up all over the place, as there was a general mass exodus of the local population.

Matters got even more complicated once Iolaus regained consciousness and clawed his way out of what was left of the tavern. Never one to back away from a fight - especially when a friend was involved - he promptly hurled himself into the fray. While it took a little of the pressure off Hercules, his presence also complicated the choreography of the fight. Ares was obviously having the time of his life. The broad grin on his face as he took on Hercules and Iolaus was bad enough, but the fact that he was singing a bawdy warrior camp-song as he did it added insult to injury. Hercules got really annoyed when Iolaus absent-mindedly joined in at the chorus.

"Iolaus!"

"What?" Iolaus danced away from Ares and gave Hercules a look of confusion.

"Stop. Singing." Hercules ordered through gritted teeth.

"I wasn't!" Iolaus protested.

"Yes, you were," Hercules growled, picking up a small cart and hurling it towards Ares, who promptly turned it into toothpicks and started arranging them into a scale-model of the Great temple to Athena in Athens.

"I was?" Iolaus blinked and considered this for a moment before shrugging. "Hey, what can I say? It's one of my favourites, especially the verse about the warlord, the captive princess and how to-"

"Iolaus!"

"Uh, yeah, okay," Iolaus said hastily, peering up at him worriedly. "You know, you really aren't a morning person, are you, Herc?"

"Give me strength," Hercules muttered under his breath.

Ares had stepped back to admire his perfect model and then gleefully destroyed it with one well-aimed bolt. "Pity I can't do that to the real thing," he mumbled under his breath before returning his attention to Hercules. "You ready to quit yet?" he bellowed.

"Never," Hercules spat back.

"Oh, I am so frightened," Ares cackled. "Give it up, kid. I can outlast you, outfight you and just outdo you any time I feel like it. Just stand there and take your pounding like a good little demi-god."

"Ares, I beat you every time we go head to head," Hercules pointed out.

Ares started to laugh. "You're kidding me, right? I let you win, idiot! Most times I just don’t care enough to pound you and the other times someone comes along and spoils my fun. I promised Dad I wouldn't kill you, so you don’t have to worry about that."

"I'm not worried," Hercules said.

Ares blinked at him. "And you say I'm drunk? Come on, then. To show you what a sport I am, I'll give you one clear shot. Come and get me, little man." He stood with his legs a little apart and pointed at his chin. "Let's see what you can do."

"Uh, Herc, I don’t think that would be a good idea," Iolaus said worriedly.

"Why not?" Hercules demanded, with a distinctly bloodthirsty gleam in his eye as he eyed the tempting target.

"Well, Ares suggested it, and anything he wants you to do is probably a bad idea, right?"

"Most of the time, yeah, but this time it's also something I want to do. Just one clear shot and I'll punch him clean out of Thebes, " Hercules decided.

"Oh, man, I do not think this is a good idea," Iolaus complained softly as Hercules stalked over to a waiting Ares. "Ares drunk is bad enough, but when you lose your temper…. I need some help here."

Watching Hercules move warily into position, Iolaus cast around for a god or goddess which might be able to (a) help and (b) pay attention to him when he called. Hermes would come unless he was really busy, but Iolaus figured that would be exchanging one disaster for another. And who wanted to owe the feathered pervert of Olympus a favour? Not the mortal said pervert had definite designs on, that was for sure! Iolaus had always found Zeus surprisingly approachable, but the King of the Gods was unlikely to want to get directly involved in a fight between the two of his sons he had the most trouble relating to. Hephaestos owed Iolaus a favour but Iolaus couldn't figure how the smithy-god could help in this situation.

Goddesses? Well, that was another whole can of worms. Athena never lost an opportunity to ruin Ares' fun, but she also had a tendency to be a tad impatient with what she saw as macho posturing. Asking her for help would probably lead to a lecture. A looonnnggg lecture. Running down the list of goddesses he had come in contact with over the years, Iolaus found reasons to rule them all out for one reason or another. Finally he only had one name left and, the more he thought about it, the more perfect the choice seemed. Irresponsible, prone to mischief and with a devious streak in her…. Yep, she was the one.

"Aphrodite!" Iolaus yelled. "I could really use your help?"

"Sure, Sweetcheeks, what do you need? Oh, gross, testosterone overload!"

Aphrodite materialised in her usual cascade of golden motes, wearing nothing more than a wisp of cloud and some sweetly scented flowers. She frowned disapprovingly at Hercules and Ares before switching her attention to Iolaus again. She smiled as she saw the way his eyes had immediately glazed over while his gaze was riveted a little lower than her face. She did so love to get the males all revved up and from the way she could practically see steam coming out of his ears, Iolaus approved of the… outfit.

"You wanted something, Cutie?"

"Huh?" Iolaus managed to lift his eyes to her face and made a visible effort to get his mind out of the pleasantly appointed gutter it had dived into with a gleeful cackle. "Oh, yeah," he breathed, then cleared his throat and went a delicate shade of pink. "Uh, that is, I need you to talk some sense into Herc and get Ares to go away. He's acting really weird, even for Ares."

"That'd take some doing," Aphrodite observed wryly. Switching her attention to the other two, she took a closer look at Ares as he pointed at his chin again and Hercules wound up for his punch. "Oh, pits, he's drunk!" she exclaimed.

"I thought gods couldn't get drunk?" Iolaus said in confusion.

"Who told you that?" Aphrodite demanded. "Of course we can get drunk. Dionysus brews a mean little brew and while that wears off pretty quickly, there's always Chaos dew."

"What's that? Some kind of barbarian liquor?" Iolaus asked hopefully.

Aphrodite gave a delicate snort that did wonderful things to her breasts and had Iolaus giving a little strangled whimper. "Hardly. Chaos dew is what it sounds like; the dew that forms whenever Chaos and Harmony touch. It's pretty potent stuff. One drop'd either kill a mortal stone dead or drive him insane, but it makes gods high as kites. How long has Ares been like this?"

"Um, he and Hercules were already squaring up to one another when I arrived and that was about-" Iolaus squinted up at the sun and did some rapid calculation, "-three maybe four hours ago."

"Uh-huh, it's Chaos dew. I wonder where he got it from? Doesn't matter." She watched as Hercules finally walloped Ares right on the jaw. Ares rocked back a little but Hercules started waving his hand around and hopping about, yelling a few choice words as he did so. Aphrodite winced. "That had to hurt," she murmured. "You want me to distract Ares, Sweetcheeks?"

"If you don’t mind," Iolaus said cautiously.

Aphrodite laughed throatily. "Oh, it'll be my pleasure. I know what Ares is like when he's been at the Chaos dew. You'll owe me one, though," she warned.

"I'm good for it," Iolaus assured her.

Aphrodite smirked. "You're good for a whole bunch of other things, as well, Sweetcheeks. Okay, it's ShowTime!"

She undulated forward, leaving a trail of tiny petals in her wake, the flowers magically regenerating themselves as she went. Scent wove its magic through the air and Iolaus was sure he could hear the sounds of birds singing mating calls while the sunlight splintered into rainbows which draped themselves across her divine form. The churned up earth smoothed out and became a mosaic floor, the glowing jewel tiles creating a pattern which teased at the eye and promised the inner part of the mind that secrets were about to be revealed. Ares glanced towards her briefly before going back to gloat over Hercules' discomfort. His double take a second later was a classic and Iolaus figured that it was just as well he was a god otherwise he would have dislocated something.

"Hello, Ares."

Her voice was velvet against the ears, velvet draped over something dark and mysterious. The simple greeting held overtones which left a man gasping, wanting more, wanting to do anything just to make those glorious lips open again and make that sound. Ares tilted his head and gave her a considering look before an entirely different kind of smile swept over his lips and she moved towards her.

"Hello, yourself." He reached out to take one of her extended hands and turned it over to drop a light kiss on the pulse point at the wrist. "You look as marvellous as ever."

"You look… like you could do with a hot bath, a massage and then a few hours in bed," Aphrodite purred.

Ares returned the smile she gave him with interest. "Not necessarily in that order?" he suggested with the lift of one eyebrow.

Aphrodite threw back her head and laughed. "And not necessarily just the one time for each of them, as well. I have several new massage oils I haven't tried out yet."

"A man can always use a back rub," Ares observed, running his own hand down the length of her spine until he caressed a buttock.

"I'll probably get around to your back at some point," Aphrodite agreed a little breathlessly. "Later, Sweetcheeks," she called out carelessly as she and Ares vanished in a swirl of gold and red stars.

"Whew," Iolaus said in relief as he went over to where Hercules was still muttering darkly as he massaged his sore hand. "I'm glad that's over with!"

"I could have taken him," Hercules snapped.

"Yeah, sure, Herc," Iolaus said placatingly. It took a lot to make Hercules lose his temper, but when he did… "Look, Ares was too drunk to realise that he was losing. Just be thankful that Aphrodite decided to take him on in a different kind of battlefield. One where he hasn't got a chance."

"Huh."

Hercules still sounded a little sulky but Iolaus was of the opinion that that was because he didn't often get the opportunity to really cut loose without having to worry about innocents getting in the way. Ares was the perfect target in that he had no redeeming features whatsoever that could make Hercules feel guilty about trying to smash him into the middle of the next millennium. Glancing around himself at the remains of the fight, Iolaus gave a silent whistle and decided that it was just as well that it had been a slow morning in Thebes. He dreaded to think what the damage would have been like if it had been mid-afternoon, with the market in full swing.

There was a tap on his shoulder and he turned to find himself face to face with the irate innkeeper of the tavern he had been tossed into. "Um, hi," Iolaus said brightly.

"Who's going to pay for my damaged roof?" the man demanded.

"Hey, don’t look at me!" Iolaus protested. I'm the one who was tossed through it!"

Hercules glanced around but was soon dealing with the other people who had returned and now wanted to know who was going to repair or pay for the repairs to their broken merchandise or property. Iolaus tried to explain to the innkeeper about how Ares had been here but had been invisible.

"Oh, please," the man said, a pained expression on his face. "I was watching and there was no-one tossing you. You just flew through the air and demolished my roof! Not to mention the tables and chairs you landed on."

"Hey, now wait a second!" Iolaus protested. "I told you he was invisible. Anyway, how could I have flown through the air without someone or something doing the throwing? Do I look like a god?"

"You? A god?" The innkeeper started laughing. "Aren't you a little short to be a god?"

Which is how the second riot started in Thebes that day.

-oooOooo-