A hand groped its way from under the covers, found its target and the ensuing clatter of the telephone as it landed on the floor roused Daniel from the stupor he’d been in since landing.

"Colonel are you awake?" said a small tinny voice from somewhere close to the foot of the bed.

Daniel hung over the side of the bed and took a firm grasp on the wire that led to the telephone and drew it towards him until he could get a grip on the handset of the offending item. "No, the Colonel isn’t awake," Daniel grumbled with sleepy sarcasm.

"Daniel can you wake the Colonel and tell him that Major Ferretti has arrived and has a large crate for him," Sam’s voice seemed to be coming from further than the next room.

Daniel looked up from the handset and glared again at the pile on the next bed. The last time he’d had to wake Jack he’d ended up with a black eye and he’d learned to let sleeping special ops people lie. He caught sight of the telephone directory that was under the shelf where the telephone had been and inspiration struck. Of course to think was to act and the Hertfordshire edition of the telephone directory flew through the air and landed precisely where he’d aimed it.

Jack O’Neill’s arms and legs flailed the air in response to the sneak attack.

Sitting up, O’Neill fixed a glassy stare on Daniel, then as if lead weights had been attached to his shoulders fell backwards back onto the bed and groaned loudly. "God what a nightmare, I’ve just spent the night being chased round a garden by the Gameskeeper, who kept yelling at me that I’d ruined everything," Jack grumbled sleepily.

"Jack, are you awake now?" Daniel blinked, still trying to focus on him.

"Yep! … I think…."

"Sam’s on the other end of this thing, she want’s to know what you want done with the crate that’s been delivered for you." Jackson extended the handset of the telephone towards O’Neill.

"Hi Sam. What time is it?" O’Neill mumbled into the telephone when he finally figured which end to speak into.

"Morning, Jack," Sam’s voice replied cheerfully.

"Is it? Morning, that is?"

"Yes, Colonel, it’s now 0900."

"So, what do you want to know?"

"Major Ferretti has arrived with a large crate of things he said you'd asked for. Do you want to check the contents before we head down to breakfast?"

"No, go ahead Sam and take Ferretti with you. We can check the stuff later."

"Yes sir. We’ll see you at breakfast" Sam commented as she hung up the phone.

O’Neill fumbled to replace the handset of the telephone as he rolled out of bed. "Well, Danny boy, it seems it’s time to get up" he commented as he launched the telephone directory back at Jackson.

Jack O’Neill ambled down the corridor followed closely by Daniel Jackson who gazed around the hotel and wondered if they bought everything in bulk, every hotel he’d been in seemed to have the same furniture.

The clatter of knives and forks hitting plates reached them as they came through the double doors into the restaurant. Jack glanced around the room and spotted Teal’c, Carter and Ferretti sitting at a large round table over near the breakfast bar and gestured to Jackson to follow him. As they approached the table Sam looked up from her healthy version of a continental breakfast and smiled at them.

"Morning Carter. What’s the food like?"

"The food's good around here, but if you want any you’d better hurry up and order."

"And why’s that I ask?" O'Neill studied the amount of food on the table.

"Teal’c and Ferretti are on their second orders now." Sam gestured towards the half empty plates placed in front of the two men.

"Indeed, O’Neill, having a good appetite is the mark of a good warrior," Teal’c stated, gently raising an eyebrow.

"And if you're not a warrior, the old saying 'once past the lips, forever on the hips' comes into operation," Sam stated, smiling at Jack.

Daniel looked around at those seated at the table, it occurred to him that he was on first name terms with all but two of the people. Teal'c as a Jaffa hadn't mentioned a family name, that meant there was only one in their group without a first name. "Ferretti, just out of interest, what is your first name?"

"It’s Top Secret and fortunately you don’t have the security clearance."

Daniel sat there with his jaw unhinged by the remark and Jack O’Neill started to thump Sam's back as she choked on her toast.

"All these years I’ve worked with Ferretti and he’s never told me his name either, and trust me I’ve tried to find out and all he’d tell me was …" Jack chuckled.

"If it was good enough for MacGyver, then it’s good enough for me," Ferretti finished for him.

O’Neill smirked at Ferretti and Teal’c watched while Daniel and Sam tried to regain their composure.

"Back to business, guys. Ferretti did you get everything I asked for?"

"Yes sir, they even have a MH-47E Special Ops Chinook Chopper capable of doing the job over at Mildenhall."

"Sam you’re checked out on that model, aren’t you?" O’Neill asked cautiously.

"Yes sir. That is the model with covert capabilities, isn’t it?" she queried.

"Yep and it has this nifty little hook underneath for carrying things."

"And humongous headlights as well." Ferretti grinned.

"Oh that’s good, I like to see where I’m going when I go shopping," Sam grinned back at him.

"We’ll need someplace to stash the Gate until we can get it planted."

"All taken care of Jack."

"What about tracking the Gate on the way?"

"That’s taken care of as well. We’ve managed to bug the Gate. You just have to remember to unbug it afterwards."

Daniel looked down at his plate and remarked with smile, "Talking planted, Jack, hadn’t you better thank Sam for waking you up?"

O’Neill shuddered dramatically turned to look at Sam, who was gazing at him with a quizzical expression on her face. "You woke me up from one hell of a nightmare. I dreamt I was being chased around a garden by the Gameskeeper who kept yelling at me that I was ruining everything."

"That’s strange. He kept yelling don’t pick the flowers at me," Sam said distastefully.

Jack and Sam both turned to look at Daniel and said in unison. "This is all your fault"

Daniel, Sam and Teal'c stood back as the splinters flew from where O’Neill and Ferretti were levering off the top of the crate. Finally the last nail gave way to the concerted efforts of the two senior officers and they heaved the lid out of the way and stood it gently against the wall.

Jack ambled over and peered into the crate, followed closely by Ferretti. They sighed at the now visible contents of the box. "I think I'm going to kill the person who packed this crate," Jack groaned dramatically.

"Yeah, this is gonna cause one hell of a mess," Ferretti agreed fatalistically.

Daniel looked into the crate and shared a glance with Sam and Teal’c. "The hotel staff are not going to like us and I can say that with some certainty," Daniel said trying to keep calm.

Carter walked over to the telephone, picked it up and dialled a number. "Room Service please. Hi, can I order an industrial strength vacuum cleaner and about," she studied the size of the crate, "A dozen large bags." Sam listened to the person on the other end of the phone. "Yes, that's correct. And do we want anything else? Maybe a pot of coffee for two and tea for three." She put the phone down then turned to look at the group of men standing on the other side of the room. She shrugged at them and said simply, "My father once told me that when in doubt ask Room Service."

The knock on the door followed by a muffled voice calling "Room Service" startled them.

Teal'c moved silently past the others and cautiously edged the door open part way, then relaxed and opened it all the way to reveal a woman dressed in the hotel uniform.

"Here's the first part of your order, sir, the rest will follow in a short while." The hotel employee announced as she handed him a vacuum cleaner and a large bundle of black bags. The door shut gently behind her and Teal'c stood there looking down at the large household appliance he had been left holding.

"You choose your weapons well when fighting an unexpected opponent," Teal'c said as he looked up at Carter with a raised eyebrow.

Daniel and Ferretti looked at each other over the convulsing body of O'Neill, as the sight of Teal'c holding a vacuum cleaner proved to much for his imagination to take.

Carter looked from one to the other of them standing in front of her and prayed for strength. "Oh well, let's get this clean up operation started," she said as she walked over to the crate and studied the ocean of polystyrene bits smothering the contents.

The next part of the mission had gone as planned. The collection of the Helicopter soon after dark from Mildenhall went without hitch. As they stood in the middle of a field, O'Neill and the other men prepared for their part in the downfall of the Excise men. "This’ll teach the Customs people a lesson they won't forget in a hurry. Then hopefully they'll keep their hands off other peoples' property," O’Neill said as he checked to see if everyone was fully dressed for their parts.

"I feel sorry for the men who’re going to be transporting the Gate. I’d hate to fill in their reports after this happens," Daniel said with some sympathy.

"It’s going to get even better when the original destination of the Gate is accidentally leaked to the press," O'Neill replied with a straight face.

"I can see the headlines now ….." Ferretti cut in with a grin.

"Will not Colonel Maybourne object to your plan?" said a voice from the darkness behind them

They turned around and the sight of Teal'c almost sent their hands towards their zat guns in reaction. O'Neill looked at each of his companions, grinned and made a fancy sweeping gesture as he bowed them towards the helicopter. "Let's go and be someone's nightmare come true."

The Chinook Special Ops Helicopter flew low over the Hertfordshire countryside, dodging around the church steeples as they appeared out of the darkness. A sense of purpose was prevalent among those present aboard. There was also a touch of mischief mixed in with it, giving a light hearted concentration to those seated in the body of the chopper. Sam Carter flew the chopper with the light touch of the consummate artiste that she was and kept one eye on the radar.

O’Neill kept a firm grip on the arms of his seat as yet another tower appeared out of nowhere and prayed she wasn’t doing it on purpose just to get back at him for his comment earlier about lady drivers.

A blip flashed up on the screen in front of him. "Are we ready people? The target is now in sight."

"The White Noise generator is working at full capacity and is now blanketing all noise in a fifty metre radius," Daniel said flipping a switch on the unit in front of him.

"The lights are at ready. Just say the word," Ferretti confirmed.

O’Neill studied the screen in front of him, calculating how far away the target was. "Better zip up, guys. The party is about to begin. Ferretti, the word is given"

A blinding light appeared in front of the convoy, and the big truck with its very tall load slowed to a halt, as did the out-riding police cars. The police officers and the driver of the truck slowly got out of their vehicles and gathered in the middle of the deserted stretch of road. The wind blew leaves and dust into their eyes as they struggled to see past the bright light, towards the mysterious object in front of them.

"Hey, Sarge? What do you reckon that is?"

"Well, it could be any number of things"

"Such as?"

"Someone playing silly b’s with a farm tractor. A lot o’ them has headlights on ‘em"

"Can’t hear any tractor up ahead of us, can you?"

"Or it could be some sort of experimental stuff from the place we’re headed."

"OR?"

"It’s a bloody UFO."

There was movement behind the light that hovered just fifty feet away from them. The silence seemed to press in on them, almost as if they had walked into a nightmare. The officers squinted as four large snake-headed figures slowly became visible through the blinding light. The five men could hear nothing. The total silence had an unearthly feel to it and felt eerily unnatural. To be unable to hear even the sound of the pounding beat that was their own hearts unnerved them even further.

They stared as the strange beings walked toward them. Two were carrying long staff's while the other two seemed to be empty-handed.

"Bloody Hell!! It is a UFO!"

With shocking speed, flashes of blue lightning hit the officers one after the other as they stood frozen in shock; until all of the men lay unconscious, far away from the uncertain safety of their vehicles.

The leading alien stood over the bodies of the humans, then turned and gestured the others forward. He reached up to his neck and with a hiss his helmet retracted. "Good job people, let’s get this thing hooked up and out of here," O’Neill looked down at the men lying before him.

"Jack, we should leave proof that it was aliens and not humans dressed up that did this." Daniel remarked thoughtfully.

"Why?"

"If this had happened to you and there was no proof, how would the authorities have treated you?"

"I get the point and what do you suggest?" O’Neill winced at the thought.

"Burn a patch of ground with Teal’c staff weapon. The residue should prove it wasn't of any earthly manufacture."

Carter walked up in time to hear Daniel’s idea. "Sir, it’s a good idea, but it has a drawback, the residue will fade before they can be found."

"Unless we clue them in that it’s happened." O'Neill said slowly as he studied the problem.

"Pardon, Colonel?"

"That would work," Daniel said quietly.

"Anyway, that’s not why I came over," Sam said, smiling through the blacking she had smeared over her face. "Everything’s hooked up and, providing Ferretti doesn't have another accident, we're ready to go when you say the word, Colonel."

Jack looked over his shoulder. He could see Ferretti limping back to the Chopper, helped by Teal’c who had just finished hooking up the Stargate to the Chinook. "How'd he do it?" O'Neill queried.

"You remember that nifty hook you mentioned earlier?" Sam said showing her teeth in a wide grin.

"Yep," Jack said, poker faced.

"Well, he dropped it on his foot," Sam explained, smothering a giggle.

"He comes unscathed through Iraq and ends his perfect record the moment he goes through the Stargate. Now, to add to the indignity, he goes and drops a hook on his foot!" Jack O'Neill just stood there shaking his head in disbelief.

Jack checked that the zat's he'd stuck in his belt were still there and then waved a hand at the helicopter. "O.K. everyone back in the Chopper and let's haul ass out of here."

Sam and Daniel looked at each other and ran back to the Chinook. As the helicopter lifted gently off the ground, O’Neill leaned out carefully to make sure the cables didn’t tangle. When the box was hovering nearly twenty feet from the ground he extended the staff weapon he'd just borrowed from Teal'c and aimed at the furthest car from the unconscious men on the ground below. "Watch your eyes everybody," he warned, as he pressed the trigger on the staff and an intensely bright beam of light shot out to strike the car. The vehicle exploded with a satisfactorily fiery flash of light. The flames illuminated the entire area and exposed the five bodies lying on the ground perfectly.

And the sound of an American voice could be heard fading slowly into the distance. "Jack, I’d love to see Maybourne’s face when he hears that his Stargate was abducted by aliens…"

The helicopter silently vanished into the distance to the fading sound of hysterical laughter.