Author: Andy Davies
Priority: Normal
Receipt Requested
Subject: SMART WOMEN
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PLAY A GAME

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would
like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she
politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a
lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know
the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay
you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win
the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be
no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out
a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
He taps into the digital cell phone via infra-red wireless connection
to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends,
clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The
blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde
and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the
lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Author: Robert Muir
Date: 28/10/98 15:50
Priority: Normal
Subject: IJMC - The Perfect Couple
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"The Perfect Couple"

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was,
of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect
couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when
they noticed someone at the side of the roadside in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa
Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions
deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer.)








The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first
place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing
as a perfect man...

Women: stop reading here.
Men: keep scrolling.












So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman
must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
(by the way if you're a woman, and you're reading this...this brings up
another point....women never listen either.......)


\\\\|////
( O O ) Hi.
-------------------------------oOOo--U--oOOo--------------------------------

Author: Andy Davies
Date: 06/11/98 15:33
Priority: Normal
Receipt Requested
Subject: FROG AND HAMSTER
------------------------------- Message Contents -------------------------------

Hamster and Frog

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The
guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you
something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls
out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the
end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps
on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the
hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like
that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy
downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The
guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the
frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous
voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end
of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and
gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The
bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a
singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must
be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Author: Andy Davies
Priority: Normal
Subject: JOKE
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The New Maid




A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The
guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was
her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and
the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple
of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.

"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

Author: Charles Coleman
Priority: Normal
Subject: Engineers
------------------------------- Message Contents -------------------------------
To: Programmers
cc:
From: David Smithers
Date: 15/09/98 15:11:13
Subject: Engineers

There are four engineers travelling in a car: a mechanical engineer, a chemical
engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. Unfortunately, the
car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized up." says the mechanical engineer.
"We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again."

"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be
contaminated. I think we should clean out the fuel system."

"I think it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical engineer, "or
maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has remained silent and say: "Well,
what do you think?"

"Ummm - perhaps it will help if we all get out of the car and then get back in
again?"

Author: Charles Coleman
Priority: Normal
Subject: FW: Not quite what I meant...
------------------------------- Message Contents -------------------------------
> From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
> "Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the
> Church, labelled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'
>
>
> From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in >
Christchurch, New Zealand:
> 'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's >
Office
> return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning
case.' >
>
>
> From The Times
> 'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable
teeth, > was
> rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman >
commented,
> "This sort of thing is all too common these days."' >
>
> From The Gloucester Citizen:
> 'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling
an > 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the
caller > was
> played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs
> around
> the house.
> Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, >
saying,
> "He got what he deserved."'
>
>
> From The Barnsley Chronicle:
> 'Police arrived quickly, to find Mr Melchett hanging by his
fingertips > from the back wall. He had run out of the house when the
owner, Paul
> Finch,
> returned home unexpectedly, and, spotting an intruder in the garden,
> had
> dialled 999. What Mr Finch did not know was that Mr Melchett had
been
> visiting Mrs Finch and, hearing the front door open, had climbed out
of > the
> rear window. But the back wall was 8 feet high and Mr Melchett had
been > unable to get his leg over.'
>
>
> From The Scottish Big Issue:
> 'In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a "My
Name
> is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of
Sydney > of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. "It was a
lie",
> explained Mr Pap, "I'm a Henry and always will be.", whereupon Henry
Pap > attacked
> Henry
> Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull
> them
> apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became
> involved
> and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight.
The > brawl
> was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane."
>
>
> From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 >
Pounds
> to
> Save Prostitutes":
> "... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes'
pocket, > but
> will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be >
training
> them for new positions in hotels." >
>
> From The Derby Abbey Community News:
> "We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated
> that
> 'Mr
> Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a
> typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a
Detective > in the
> Police Farce."
>
>
> From The Guardian:
> "After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year
old > Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to
"Yorkshire
> Bank
> Plc
> are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his
account, > and
> Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made
out > in
> his new name."
>
>
> From The Manchester Evening News:
> "Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly
> Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail
ticket." >
>

Author: Michael Kiteley
Date: 07/10/98 14:28
Priority: Normal
Subject: The Sun........
------------------------------- Message Contents -------------------------------
My daughter told me this joke which appeared in The Current Bun:-

A Christian, who was being chased by a lion, suddenly fell to his
knees and prayed:

"Please God, help make the lion a Christian".

Hearing this request the lion stopped chasing, put his paws together
and said:

"Thank you Lord for what I am about to receive......."

Author: Kez Nwichi
Date: 30/12/98 14:05
Priority: Normal
Subject: It could only happen to Ian...
------------------------------- Message Contents -------------------------------
Ian Anderson my mate is a carpet fitter,
one morning he had a job which required
a new carpet to be fitted to the front room
of a Miss Elliot at no 2 Gretten drive.

Ian found the road and parked his van,
after a short search he found no 2 and upon knocking
he found that the front door was open.

He proceeded into the house reasoning that Mrs Elliot
knew he was there thus the open door. He continued to the
front room where he began moving furniture, starting with
the T.V, then the stereo....

Whilst carrying the very heavy stereo Ian noticed that a man was
standing at the stairs staring at him very angrily and presuming the
man to be Mr Elliot he continued...

"Oii, what are you doing!!", yelled the man as he walked down
the stairs, baseball bat in hand.
Hearing the commotion, the man's wife came downstairs and pleaded
with her husband to let the petrified boy explain.

"This is no 2 gretten drive and you are Mrs Elliot aren't u"
Ian pleaded.

"No this is 2b gretten drive and I'm Mrs Jones!!!" yelled the woman

"Oh sorry, any chance of a cuppa"


Cheek!

Author: Nipam Patel
Date: 22/12/98 14:12
Priority: Normal
Subject: Something
------------------------------- Message Contents -------------------------------
A bloke walks into a pub, walks up to the bar and orders a drink.
As he stands there, waiting for his drink, he notices a large jar
filled with ú10 notes. He says to the barman, "why are there so many
tenners in that jar? The barman replies, "it's a competition, the
winner walks away with the jar full of money".
Clearly interested, the man asks the barman what he has to do to win
the money.
"Well," says the barman, "there are three challenges. Firstly, you
have to drink a jug of vodka in one without pulling a face or throwing
up, secondly, there is a ferocious pit bull outside with a sore tooth.
You have to go out there and pull the tooth out of its mouth. finally,
upstairs there is a 90 year old pensioner who hasn't had any for 60
years and you have to do something about it. If you complete all three
tasks, you will get the jar full of money."
"You're having a laugh says the man, do you think I'm mad?"
Anyway, an hour passes and the man returns to the bar and says to the
barman, "sod it" he says, " I've thought about it and I'm gonna do
it." So, he sits at the bar with a jug of vodka and quickly tries to
down it. Anyway, he manages to down all the vodka without being sick
or pulling a face.
He then goes out the back to face the pitbull. As soon as he walks
outside, there is an almighty noise, the barman stands in the pub
listening to growling,swearing,scratching and loud moaning. After ten
minutes there is silence, followed by whimpering. The man emerges from
the back sweating and covered in blood. "Right", he says, where's this
pensioner with a sore tooth?