April 1, 1999 The Voice From Abroad Miss Richfield Gets onto Her Soap Box

For my April column, I am going to turn it over to a friend of mine.
Actually, she's a friend of my friend Russ King. I was a little reluctant to
loose my grip on The Voice From Abroad, but Miss Richfield 1981 assured me
that she would stop leaving singing messages on my answering machine if I let
her speak her mind about her favorite soap stars. And speak she does, but
like Monica Lewinsky, you just don't know how much you should believe. And
with that, I give you Miss Richfield 1981:

Hello to all my readers on both sides of the Pacific! Or, should I say to my
English readers: Cheerio! I've done English muffins, English toffee and now
I'm about to do English Soap Stars, but first a little about myself:

I was crowned Miss Richfield 1981in Augsburg Park on July 4th, where I was
awarded a genuine glass tiara, a hand-glittered sash, and a prize package of a
power lawn mower and a free bus trip to Warroad, Minn., to see the Canadian
border. For the past 19 years, I have dedicated my life to sharing the good
news about Richfield, Minnesota, "where butter is a spice and gravy is a
beverage." This quality first-ring suburb of Minneapolis is fortunate to have
an ambassadoress with a successful career at the United States Postal Service,
staffing the switchboard and directing people to the next available window.
Along with all my civic responsibilities, I also find time to call bingo at
the VFW and pour coffee at many funeral lunches. Copied by many, loved by all,
I am a modern woman of the new millenium.

Now, on to my latest mission of mercy: As a starlet on the stage in
Richfield, Minnesota, USA, I am often requested to serve as a consultant to
the celebrities in the Twin Cities Metropolitan area. Songster Prince
changing his name? It was my dooddle on a cocktail napkin that did the trick.
He was so inspired by my Egyptian drawing, that I didn't have the heart to
tell him it was actually a picture of a socket wrench. And Entertainment
Reporter Eleanor Mondale? It was my suggestion that she meet privately with
the President to see what kind of position he could find for her at the White
House. That advice sure paid off this past year, when she appeared on the
covers of all the newspapers I read in the supermarket check out. I could go
on and blab the advice I gave Bob Dylan, but I am sworn to secrecy on that
one, just think of me the next time you can't figure out his lyrics.

So as the month of fools approaches, I thought April would be a perfect time
to grant this same privilege to you foreigners overseas. Although I don't
understand most of what you people say, I do find myself fascinated by the
show "Eastenders." I feel so comfortable watching it in the lovely trailer I
call home.

So in a spirit of international relations, (and in hopes that can we put the
banana crisis behind us) I have collected some thoughts to help you become the
big stars you want to become, along with some thoughts to improve the show
for us very sophisticated American viewers:

Ross Kemp, you play that slightly psycho Grant Mitchell. Honey, your
insanity is driving us American gals crazy. We love our men nuttier than
fruitcakes, and your character certainly fits the bill there. And I love your
physique--did I spell that right? I mean all those muscles! You sure do fill
the screen. You know what they say about a man who has big biceps: big
sleaves. However the bald look is out over here, think Burt Reynolds, think
William Shatner, so I'm wondering if you've considered a toupee or maybe some
hair plugs. Or perhaps a large tattoo of that English minister Reverend Blair
on the center of your head.

Patsy Palmer, I know that's not your real name. You couldn't use your real
name as an actress due to a higher authority (who shall remain nameless).
Well, let me tell you that I think you're lucky to be done with that marriage.
That Andrew was gone at sea too often. A girl can only wave her hanky so many
times from the pier before she tires of it. So, after the divorce, you found
a new career and,may I say, a less stressful one. You look loads thinner on
EastEnders than when you came over to America and I saw you on Oprah, Regis
and Kathie Lee, Rosie O'Donnell and Diane Sawyer. You didn't have a lot to
say, but you said it often. You were always talking about the dim bulbs at
Buckingham and about that Weight Watchers. I would try Weight Watchers, if I
needed it. Is that what you rely on, or maybe it's that much younger man
you're always chasing about. Hmm? I've heard some gossip that that you're
living with a real charmer who has you wrapped around his finger. Your friend
Barbara should have warned you against this. So, tell this Charley you're
living with that when he expects you to wait on him hand and foot that he must
have you confused with his mother.

Sid Owen, you play that bumbling grease monkey Ricky Butcher. I can only
hope you are as appealing in real life. I've always liked my guys big and
dumb. Sure, some women like the finer things in life; a champagne and cavier
existance, but let me loose on a Big Mac and fries and I'm satisfied. There's
not a lot to what you're getting, but all you need is a car and some spare
change and you can pick one up. Enough said.

Martine, you're pregnant in America; you're flattened by Frank's car in
England. Expecting or dead; both are hard on the figure, and both can be
blamed on men. I'd warn you to be careful with men, but it would fall on deaf
ears, wouldn't it?! My hairdresser told me the latest scuttlebutt he heard
from his roommate's cousin who has a friend on the internet who corresponds
with a postal carrier from Leeds. You've been swinging with a Royal named
Albert Hall. I've never heard of him, but if he's got that blue blood, why
would you want him? Talk to your red-haired co-star for the scoop.

Wendy Richards, what are you thinking??? There you were in the department
store, as cute as a bug's ear, with all sorts of people wanting to know if you
were free. Next thing I know you've been whisked away to Albert Square and
made into a drudge of three surly children. Listen, they have you washing the
laundry, why not have Pauline swipe a better wardrobe? Discard those frumpy
sweaters and oxford shirts for some of Cindy's things that Ian brings in to
get cleaned (the stains must be something terrible) before he ships them off
to the dissadvantaged children of Peru. Don't let those producers dictate
your image. Show some backbone. Show some cleavage. Show some leg. Show us
the Miss Brahms we know and emmulate!

Barbara Windsor, you are the only one on the show doing it right. Obviously,
you were paying attention to the American shows we send over to you people.
You weren't falling asleep when J.R. got shot. You took notes during
Baywatch. Good for you. You might actually make something out of your
career. Except, you are a little too subtle. You need to dress it up a bit
more, Babs. Add another shade of eye shadow and jack that hair up to Jesus. If
you're lucky, you might even get a shot at becoming the next Spice Girl. They
could call you "Old Spice."

And I've been asked by my fans too many times to act as if the thought hadn't
occured to me. Yes, I'm considering becoming the next Spice Girl. The most
frightening aspect would have to be the incredible feritility rate. But, I'm
available and I'm in the book, as long as we only do shows on the weekends.
My first responsibility is to the United States Postal Service and to the
people of Richfield. I realize, however, that this opportunity could be a
great stepping stone to working for the United Nations, where I could really
make some changes. Can't you just see it?!

And finally: Catherine, the Broad with the Voice, wanted me to comment on the
late breaking news of Ross Kemp. She tried to tell me that, while Ross was
recovering from malaria, he decided to leave the show. What should I say?
There's only one thing to say. This is obviously her April Fool's joke."

Next month: Catherine Harty returns with tales to tell of PBS pledging for
EastEnders

The link for Miss Richfield.
http://twincities.sidewalk.com/gaylifebest

Russ King
http://twincities.sidewalk.com/link/22669

English muffins
http://www.wholepop.com/features/toasters/othertoaster3.html

Prince
http://www.love4oneanother.com/

Eleanor Mondale
http://cgi.pathfinder.com/time/daily/0,2960,14809,00.html

newspapers
http://www.nationalenquirer.com/

I don't understand most of what you people say
http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/5708/books.html

Ross Kemp
http://members.aol.com/dportleigh/kemp/drks.html

Patsy Palmer
http://www.royalnetwork.com/rnn/fergiebio.html

you're flattened by Frank's car
http://www.bbc.co.uk/eastenders/update/archive_december/98_12_31q.shtml

Wendy Richards
http://pages.prodigy.net/glc/wrhp/html/home.htm

Miss Brahms
http://www.comedyzone.beeb.com/aybs/index.html

Spice Girl
http://www.virginrecords.com/newspice/index.html