Guide to Money Saving Tips
Fed up of seeing adverts in the Sunday press and "laddish" magazines? Fed up with forking out your well earned dosh for a five page photocopied piece of shite??? SHITE like "Forbidden Knowledge", "Incredible New Secrets" or "Wankboys Tool Book". Well, here is everything you always needed to know - and it's FREE!! Just click on the money saving scheme of interest to YOU and by the wonders of magic up pop the insider facts delivered FREE to your screen ! ENJOY!
See the "Real thing" - Total and Utter Bollocks!
Easy - just try any one of the following and you can SPEND, SPEND, SPEND!
1. Buy more lottery tickets - the more you have the bigger odds you have of winning!
2. Get out there and get a better job! What's your problem? Lazy? Idle? Dumb? HUH! No excuse - just get on your bike and find work (as one tory fascist once said!)
3. DOUBLE your money...fold it in half!
HOW TO NEVER LOSE ON THE HORSES
Shallow's proven system just can't fail to work!
1. Don't put the bet on in the first place!
2. Bet on every horse - you're bound to win!
3. Only bet on races that only have one runner. A bit of a rarity this, but hey...
1. Buy a ladder and look through your neighbours bedroom window.
2. Buy some binoculars (an old SHALLOW favourite!)
3. Buy a telescope.
4. Stick twigs in your hair and pretend you a tree (whilst lurking in your nieghbours garden). Doesn't work too well if you want to do your spying in the pub.
1. Catch the bus.
2. Do a runner... but you had better be fast - those drivers often have spanners under the front seat!
1. Mug your dealer
2. Rob the pharmacists
3. Just inhale natures very own whizz... (copyright SHALLOW!)
1. Visit your local massage parlour!
PREMIUM SEX LINES TOO EXPENSIVE?
1. Call your local massage parlour and ask for tonight's "services"
1. Don't, whatever you do, tell your friends!
2. Try tying half a brick to your bell-end. Make sure to remove it if it starts to turn black...
1. Make all your phone calls from work.
2. Borrow a mate's mobile.
3. Shout very loud.
4. Take two empty bean cans, drill a small home in the bottom of each, thread a string through each can and tie off. Hey presto - instant walkie talkie!
1. Go to the pub and watch it.
2. Go round to a mates and watch it.
3. Take the lid of a trash can, take a few screws, a ladder and hey presto....
1. Sit closer to the TV.
2. Borrow a mate's glasses.
3. Buy a magnifying glass.
1. Buy diesel instead...
2. Buy a metre length of plastic hose and suck hard...
1. Start calling yourself Bob (or Venus if you wish) and ask all your mates not to call you Kevin ever again!
1. Get yourself a pub and just help yourself!
2. Constantly blag beer off your mates...although there is no lifetime guarantee with this one!
1. Get yourseld a subservient partner.
2. Kidnap someone, buy a cattle prod and hey presto!
RUN RED LIGHTS AND DON'T GET CAUGHT
1. Don't drive a car when you do it (and make sure your car's number plate isn't written on the heel of your sneakers).
1. Buy an old fob pocket watch, swing it in front of their face and repeat after me "you're feeling sleepy, very very sleepy..."
1. Run like fuck! (another SHALLOW favourite)
2. Buy a big fuck off gun!
1. Put an advert in all the papers along the lines of "Mr. Smith, contact Mssrs Fleece, Rypoff & Scamm for some very good news!" as SHALLOW found to his cost - this works TOO well...
WANT BIGGER WINNINGS ON THE SLOTS MACHINES?
1. Memorise the symbols on the reels.
2. Put more money in them - the more games you play, the more likely you are to win!
3. Bung paper up the payout hole and collect others' winnings later.
GET MORE FROM NUDGES ON THE SLOTS!
1. Memorise the symbols on the reels.
1. Don't speed (see also Running Red Lights).
1. Bugger all (see also Running red Lights and Beat The Police Speed Cameras).
1. Ram raiding.
2. Know a mate who's a lock thingy (can't think of the damn word! oh yes, lock SMITH).