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Another List of Things To Do At The Mall If Your Blonde And Beutiful

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Walk up to two people sitting a bench and say, "I'm a Doctor, I need to know what time it is." After one tells you, turn to the other and say, "Would you be willing to give ME a second opinion on THAT?"

Stop at the Athletic Shoe Store, and ask the clerk, "What is the largest size of men's basketball shoes you carry.?" Then, ask him sheepishly, "Could I leave my card, and a note for whoever buys them?"

Wearing a walkman, head into Radio Shack and tell them, "Today, I'm looking for a shack."

Ask the clerk at Fanny Farmer to see either one, and mumble something about false advertising on the way out.

Stand in front of a Victoria's Secret show window with a clipboard. Stop various men, point to a really skimpy item, and ask, "If I was willing to model that for you, would you buy it for me?"

Go into the Armed Services Recruiting Office, and ask if you could set up a desk - just to talk to the rejects.

In the Athletic Wear Store, ask the clerk a question about a particular sweat suit, like, "How much sweat do you think this one will this soak up if I'm really HOT?"

Go into the Earring Store and ask if they pierce other places, like nipples. If they say yes, tell them, "I'll be right back, I just need to go out to the car and get my pregnant pit bull."

Walk into the Jewelry Store, and while unbuttoning your blouse, ask loudly, "How many varieties of nipple rings do you carry?"

In the Sports Collectibles Store, ask, "Do you have nude autographed photos of Dennis Rodman?" If not, ask "Would you take some on consignment?"

In the Book Store, ask for a book about famous Jewish Sports Legends - and get indignant if they only hand you a pamphlet.

Ask the security guard why the "Seeing Eye Dogs Only" sign isn't printed in braille. And, "If I'm not blind, but I brought along my sister's Seeing Eye Dog, would that be OK?"

In the Barbeque Grill Store, ask the clerk if he's got a small one, because, "I'm on my way to the movies and think the concession stand choices are too limited."

The Warner Brothers Store will appreciate you walking in, and asking questions in your best, "P-P-Porky P-P-Pig V-V-Voice."

The Disney Store may wonder whether you are a little too old if you walk in without children, ask for a Mouseketeer Application, and say, "I've been looking for an autographed pair of Cubby's shorts!"

In the Video Store, ask the clerk for that 1950's Black and White Classic, "The Head with Two Things - or, was that The Thing with Two Heads?" Tell him you already have, "The Brain That Wouldn't Die" - and you got it ON SALE.

On a really smooth area of the mall floor, while wearing your old leather-soled slippers, clasp your hands behind your back and walk-slide like you are ice skating.

In the Formal Wear Store, ask, "Do you rent tuxedos for funerals?" Then ask, "How do you get them back?"

In the Linen Department, ask, "Do you have Turkish Towels - from Turkey?"

At the Hamburger Stand, ask, "Are the hamburgers are made of real ham?" And, like, "Why do they go all the way to France to get fries?"

In the Music Store, ask for a CD of "Negro Spirituals Played As Duets On The Accordian By Buddhist Monks."

In the Auto Department, ask, "Do I really need to bring the car in to take advantage of the oil change special, fellas?"

The Card Store clerk will appreciate the question, "What kind of card do you recommend for the terminallly ill?"

Ask the Travel Agent what a round trip to Anchorage would cost, with a stop-over in Fargo. After ten or fifteen minutes, stand up and say, "I've changed my mind, I think I'll winter in my own home town," and leave.

In the Cutlery Store, point to a particluar knife, then ask, "Is this like the one Norman Bates used?" Smile broadly, and ask the clerk, "By the way, are YOU single?"

Over at the Garden Department, ask, "Do you have any of those Half-Bathtubs used as a surround for religious statues?"

In the Swim Suit Department, tell them you are concerned this suit might shrink, but you really like it. Then ask, "If I filled my pool with Dry Ice, could I swim without getting wet?"

Go into the Piano Store, and ask, "If I bought one for Christmas, could you wrap it up so I can't remember what it is when you deliver it?"

Walk into the Cinnamon Bun store, and tell them, "I really like the taste, but I'm wondering if there isn't a way to get one without that awful smell?"

In Starbucks Coffee, order some coffee ice cream.

At Taco Bell, ask them, "Which way is the border?" Then run.

In the Shoe Repair Store, ask if they have anything unclaimed in a man's size 9, and, if they do, ask, "What would you take for just the left one?"

At Christmas time, wait in the line to have "Kids Pictures Taken With Santa." When you reach the head of the line, look around frantically and start yelling, "Johnny, Johnny, where's my Johnny?" as you begin running around the mall.

Go into the Poster Store, and tell them, "I'm pretty sure you've hung a couple of the ones in the Modern Art section upside down."

Ask the Luggage Store clerk, "Geez, wouldn't it just be cheaper for me to mail my stuff to Cleveland?" Then, tell him, "Could I use the dressing room to see whether my clothes will all fit into this one?"

At Mrs. See's Candies, strike up a an extremely detailed conversation about how eating chocolate made your face AND your back break out, and how much money you spent at the dermatologist over the years, not to mention the hours you spent washing blouses, but, you just can't seem to give it up.

In the Fishing Department, ask the clerk, "Is it OK to use a fish scaler on my heels and corns?" If you get a positive answer, begin to remove your shoes and pantyhose.

In the Men's Department, walk up to a total stranger, and ask him to model boxer shorts for you. When he goes into the dressing room, tell the department manager there is a man walking around in his underwear, and leave.

In the Mattress Department, ask the shyest male clerk to to lie on a mattress with you, both as close to the center as possible, and tell him, "There might be something in it for you, if I can get a discount."

Ask a salesperson in the hardware department at Sears, "Just how well do you think this chainsaw may cut through bone? And, by the way, are YOU single?"

Answer any unattended service phones you hear ringing in department stores by saying, "Domino's - please hold." Then, set the handset down, and walk away.

Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. Also ask, "Are these are the only colors you have?"

Come back to the pet store a little later with one of those "invisible dog leashes." Ask the clerk to bring you a dog "that would fit." While waiting, teach the parrots on display "a few new words."

Wear your pink Nikes. At the bottom of an escalator, scream, "MY SHOELACES! AAAUUGH!"

Show department store clerks your driver's license when your hair was still brown, and demand to know, "Have you seen this woman here, today?"

Place plastic vomit on several tables in the Food Court. Stagger around with one hand clamped over your mouth, and one clenching your stomach. This often changes male fantasies about blondes.

Walk over to the coin fountain, splash water on your face, pick up a penny, and yell, "Look what I found! It must be my lucky day!"